Why do teens start hating their loving parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have gone through this the last few years with one of our kids. I don’t think it happens with all kids as our other child has a completely loving and respectful relationship with us. Unless there is a change, I plan to distance and not financially support this kid anymore. The level of pain this kid has caused been off the charts.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this issue. I can definitely relate. I have one 18 year old who is unbelievably disrespectful. I am at my wits end. We've tried being firm, being nice and seeing a family therapist. Nothing is working. Like you, our other child has never acted anything remotely like the 18 year old.

Time for them to move out.

The fear in doing this is that if you kick out your kid, you may never see them again. Like someone else mentioned, it's relatively easy to cut out people in your life, but it gets so complicated and difficult when it's your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Especially within a healthy and loving environment (in that there is no physical, sexual, or mental abuse and no drugs, neglect, poverty, abandonment, or even divorce), why do some teens start to despise their parents? I don't mean the common conflict about parents being strict (i.e. curfew or not letting their kids go to a party), but where they just seem mean and have a hatred for the parents. I've experienced this with my 17 year old and I know at least 2 people who have 18 years old that are currently experiencing this behavior. When I was a teen, my parents certainly were not perfect (no parent is), but I don't remember absolutely hating them. Even when there was conflict, I always loved them deep inside (even if I was angry at the moment). One of my friends, who has one of the 18 year olds, has been dealing with this issue for the past year and she fears that her son will never love her again. My own son (17) just ignores me and refuses to have any conversation (even ones that I thought he might be interested in like cool places to eat on our vacation). My son has friends and is doing well in school (and to my knowledge no bullying or girl issues). For those who went through this experience, how long did it last? Did your child ever explain why they acted this way?

I once read that this is biologically driven. From an evolutionary standpoint, when children became of childbearing age, they were not supposed to procreate with members of their own tribe/family, so they are biologically programmed to seek members of other tribes/ families to procreate with, hence the aversion to their own parents/ tribe members. This is only temporary as they reconcile with their own tribes in later years. You also have to remember that hundreds/ thousands of years ago, people used to have children in their teens as life expectancy was significantly shorter. I know it sounds odd but I feel there is some logic to that explanation.

I have read this too. I don't necessarily know if I agree with it, but possibly.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have a teen who acts like a complete jerk when you are nice to them?

[Anonymous]

Not even sure if anyone will read this 7 pages in but this is developmentally normal. There are a million podcasts from neuropsychiatrist about the evolution of this. It is normal, appropriate, and will pass. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a point in time when my DD was 17 and would not listen to a thing we would say. She'd destroy her room out of anger and physically attack us. We tried to get her help but docs said everything was good, now she's 23 graduated college (thankfully) but moved back in and is very lazy, not sure what's going on with her and we've tried to figure that out but if your teens are acting belligerent 7/10 something else is wrong.

You better get her out of your house, it will start again. How did you handle the physically attack you part? I live in fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may just be me but I didn’t like my mother since I was 9. She would vehemently deny any abuse, and she indeed was a very sacrificing mother, but she was also a hoarder who I think also suffered from depression and anxiety, was very set in her ways, and I knew very early on that the way she made us all live was wrong. She wouldn’t have it so we fought.
I did crave her love though but I think she just couldn’t get over my criticism of her and her ways, and couldn’t really give it to me.
So yes I think there’s never just hate, there’s always that deep yearning for connection and understanding and yes, love.

Did you end up repairing your relationship. Where do you stand now, your ages?

[Anonymous]

This is awful. My son doesn't want to be around me all the time and often he's a little distant but he loves me and he gives me hugs and he's a normal human being. He also doesn't trash the room and do the other things that other posters mentioned above. I don't understand these dysfunctional relationships. I have done nothing special and neither has my husband. We yell at our kids we give them consequences but we also have fun with them and we try to be their supporters. I don't get this sorry. But I do feel sorry for everyone who is going through this and I hope things get better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have gone through this the last few years with one of our kids. I don’t think it happens with all kids as our other child has a completely loving and respectful relationship with us. Unless there is a change, I plan to distance and not financially support this kid anymore. The level of pain this kid has caused been off the charts.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may just be me but I didn’t like my mother since I was 9. She would vehemently deny any abuse, and she indeed was a very sacrificing mother, but she was also a hoarder who I think also suffered from depression and anxiety, was very set in her ways, and I knew very early on that the way she made us all live was wrong. She wouldn’t have it so we fought.
I did crave her love though but I think she just couldn’t get over my criticism of her and her ways, and couldn’t really give it to me.
So yes I think there’s never just hate, there’s always that deep yearning for connection and understanding and yes, love.

Did you end up repairing your relationship. Where do you stand now, your ages?

No we didn’t repair it even though I tried but I was always let down by her. She was mentally ill as I now understand. The last try was when I just had a child and she was happy to help me and babysit etc etc. She ended up stealing random things from me though.

She is thankfully dead now and I am in my 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may just be me but I didn’t like my mother since I was 9. She would vehemently deny any abuse, and she indeed was a very sacrificing mother, but she was also a hoarder who I think also suffered from depression and anxiety, was very set in her ways, and I knew very early on that the way she made us all live was wrong. She wouldn’t have it so we fought.
I did crave her love though but I think she just couldn’t get over my criticism of her and her ways, and couldn’t really give it to me.
So yes I think there’s never just hate, there’s always that deep yearning for connection and understanding and yes, love.

Sounds like the child was indeed the problem here to "a very sacrificing mother." Cut your mother some slack so she was a hoarder.

Her hoarding caused me a lot of pain and shame and I am still dealing with the consequences. She was also very selfish in her hoarding (if you can say that of a mentally ill person) as she blamed it on everyone but herself and almost literally pushed me out of the house. You have no idea.