Why do teens start hating their loving parents?

[Anonymous]

I think this is generational. Gen x and millennial parents try to be their kids friends so they take the normal teenage crap as “hate”. This generation of parents tied their whole identity on being a good involved parent so it feels like a “betrayal” but I think teenagers resent that their parents have so much focus on them and this is a part of the push back. We didn’t have to do this bc our boomer (or silent gen) parents had their own lives and little interest in us lol. Which also isn’t ideal but what we are seeing is an over correction.

That said my kids don’t and have never hated me.

[Anonymous]

I will also add that this younger generation has been taught a victim mindset a bit - everything is the fault of your teachers or peers (no friends? It’s bc all the other kids are MEAN GIRLS! Mean teachers who aren’t accommodating your adhd!) so the attitude their parents give them that their problems are not they’re fault and they are the victim, eventually gets turned around on the parents. I think if you keep your kid accountable to everyone not just their parents, this won’t happen as much.

[Anonymous]

Their not they’re oops

[Anonymous]

Maybe they aren't so loving, mine told me they hoped I got into a Dv relationship and that no one loved me when I tried to move away, but if you are actually loving then must just be trying to mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is generational. Gen x and millennial parents try to be their kids friends so they take the normal teenage crap as “hate”. This generation of parents tied their whole identity on being a good involved parent so it feels like a “betrayal” but I think teenagers resent that their parents have so much focus on them and this is a part of the push back. We didn’t have to do this bc our boomer (or silent gen) parents had their own lives and little interest in us lol. Which also isn’t ideal but what we are seeing is an over correction.

That said my kids don’t and have never hated me.

very interesting perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

My parents never divorced but I relate so much to what you say here. Just emotionally immature parents who were very focused on themselves and their own issues and didn't really do any guiding or supporting during the tween/teen years. They were incredibly judgmental and once I was 8 or 9, seemed to decide they were done parenting and they just criticized.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom seemed to realize that her relationship with me was totally broken and tried to make amends. I resented that even more because at that point years had gone by where I'd just felt totally ignored or judged and had not felt loved at all. I could not accept what she offered, and she also basically didn't know me as a person at all so her efforts often hit the wrong note. She'd bring up the one thing I felt most insecure or self-conscious about and be surprised when I had a strong defensive reaction, for instance.

30 years later, I can have some empathy for my mom making those efforts and not getting far with me -- that must have been hard for her and she must have just been baffled because she really was trying and I was not receptive at all. But she was also conveniently forgetting a whole host of things she'd said and done to me over the previous years, just deeply cutting and mean things, being very condescending and dismissive, refusing to help even when I approached and asked kindly. Even now she doesn't really remember that. She was going through a hard time in her life and taking it out on me but it was not conscious for her and while those are formative memories for me, she didn't retain them.

Parenting is hard. You have to work at it all the way through. And if you make deep mistakes, the only way to truly repair them is if you are self aware and can really take responsibility for it. If my mom had come to me and said "look, I know I haven't been there for you in recent years and I'm sorry, but I really want to be there for you now" the ice would have thawed. But that's the level of awareness it would have taken. And she truthfully just didn't have the skills for it.

May your kids be as full of judgement toward you as you are toward your mom. They most likely will, apple => tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

My parents never divorced but I relate so much to what you say here. Just emotionally immature parents who were very focused on themselves and their own issues and didn't really do any guiding or supporting during the tween/teen years. They were incredibly judgmental and once I was 8 or 9, seemed to decide they were done parenting and they just criticized.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom seemed to realize that her relationship with me was totally broken and tried to make amends. I resented that even more because at that point years had gone by where I'd just felt totally ignored or judged and had not felt loved at all. I could not accept what she offered, and she also basically didn't know me as a person at all so her efforts often hit the wrong note. She'd bring up the one thing I felt most insecure or self-conscious about and be surprised when I had a strong defensive reaction, for instance.

30 years later, I can have some empathy for my mom making those efforts and not getting far with me -- that must have been hard for her and she must have just been baffled because she really was trying and I was not receptive at all. But she was also conveniently forgetting a whole host of things she'd said and done to me over the previous years, just deeply cutting and mean things, being very condescending and dismissive, refusing to help even when I approached and asked kindly. Even now she doesn't really remember that. She was going through a hard time in her life and taking it out on me but it was not conscious for her and while those are formative memories for me, she didn't retain them.

Parenting is hard. You have to work at it all the way through. And if you make deep mistakes, the only way to truly repair them is if you are self aware and can really take responsibility for it. If my mom had come to me and said "look, I know I haven't been there for you in recent years and I'm sorry, but I really want to be there for you now" the ice would have thawed. But that's the level of awareness it would have taken. And she truthfully just didn't have the skills for it.

May your kids be as full of judgement toward you as you are toward your mom. They most likely will, apple => tree.

Whoa! pp was being honest and the tone was forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Evolution. For the species to continue, we have to venture out, mate. Nature pushes them out.

[Anonymous]

Too many parents micromanaging their teens today and using apps like Life360 and find my friends to track them. I have a friend that still checks in on her college teens aka “young adults” on Life360!!!We all grew up without that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too many parents micromanaging their teens today and using apps like Life360 and find my friends to track them. I have a friend that still checks in on her college teens aka “young adults” on Life360!!!We all grew up without that.

Nothing wrong with using Life 360

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

My parents never divorced but I relate so much to what you say here. Just emotionally immature parents who were very focused on themselves and their own issues and didn't really do any guiding or supporting during the tween/teen years. They were incredibly judgmental and once I was 8 or 9, seemed to decide they were done parenting and they just criticized.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom seemed to realize that her relationship with me was totally broken and tried to make amends. I resented that even more because at that point years had gone by where I'd just felt totally ignored or judged and had not felt loved at all. I could not accept what she offered, and she also basically didn't know me as a person at all so her efforts often hit the wrong note. She'd bring up the one thing I felt most insecure or self-conscious about and be surprised when I had a strong defensive reaction, for instance.

30 years later, I can have some empathy for my mom making those efforts and not getting far with me -- that must have been hard for her and she must have just been baffled because she really was trying and I was not receptive at all. But she was also conveniently forgetting a whole host of things she'd said and done to me over the previous years, just deeply cutting and mean things, being very condescending and dismissive, refusing to help even when I approached and asked kindly. Even now she doesn't really remember that. She was going through a hard time in her life and taking it out on me but it was not conscious for her and while those are formative memories for me, she didn't retain them.

Parenting is hard. You have to work at it all the way through. And if you make deep mistakes, the only way to truly repair them is if you are self aware and can really take responsibility for it. If my mom had come to me and said "look, I know I haven't been there for you in recent years and I'm sorry, but I really want to be there for you now" the ice would have thawed. But that's the level of awareness it would have taken. And she truthfully just didn't have the skills for it.

May your kids be as full of judgement toward you as you are toward your mom. They most likely will, apple => tree.

Whoa! pp was being honest and the tone was forgiving.

Exactly! Definitely a bit harsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too many parents micromanaging their teens today and using apps like Life360 and find my friends to track them. I have a friend that still checks in on her college teens aka “young adults” on Life360!!!We all grew up without that.

Nothing wrong with using Life 360

Using Life360 on older teens can result in issues of distrust and resentment. I would have hated to have my parents monitoring me in late high school and college - esp after age 17.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too many parents micromanaging their teens today and using apps like Life360 and find my friends to track them. I have a friend that still checks in on her college teens aka “young adults” on Life360!!!We all grew up without that.

Nothing wrong with using Life 360

Using Life360 on older teens can result in issues of distrust and resentment. I would have hated to have my parents monitoring me in late high school and college - esp after age 17.

Agree. Our parents had no idea where we were all day at age 7-8. I think it’s developmentally appropriate to give your teenagers more freedom so if you monitor and try to control in that way, even “nicely” their instincts as humans who instinctually seek freedom to “leave the nest” can grow to hate their parents, without fully understanding even why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is generational. Gen x and millennial parents try to be their kids friends so they take the normal teenage crap as “hate”. This generation of parents tied their whole identity on being a good involved parent so it feels like a “betrayal” but I think teenagers resent that their parents have so much focus on them and this is a part of the push back. We didn’t have to do this bc our boomer (or silent gen) parents had their own lives and little interest in us lol. Which also isn’t ideal but what we are seeing is an over correction.

That said my kids don’t and have never hated me.

I don't think it's generational, it's about emotional maturity. My parents were boomers and struggled with this, and I know from talking to them later that THEIR parents (greatest generation) struggled with it too. This is really nothing new. It was probably new in the 20th century simply because the concept of an extended adolescence and a "teenager" who was not an adult and still totally dependent on parents, basically didn't exist until then -- before that it was normal for people to have adult responsibility, get married and have kids, by 17 or 18 years old.

But this is not a problem invented by Gen X or millenial parents. Also that line about parents trying to be their kids friends? That got lobbed at boomer parents in the 70s and 80s too! Everything old is new again, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too many parents micromanaging their teens today and using apps like Life360 and find my friends to track them. I have a friend that still checks in on her college teens aka “young adults” on Life360!!!We all grew up without that.

I don’t use it. My kids want me to use it. This young generation likes it. Tonight my kids’ friend texted they knew we were at a smoothie shop. I thought, is she here too? No, they share location all the time.