Why do teens start hating their loving parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too many parents micromanaging their teens today and using apps like Life360 and find my friends to track them. I have a friend that still checks in on her college teens aka “young adults” on Life360!!!We all grew up without that.

Nothing wrong with using Life 360

Using Life360 on older teens can result in issues of distrust and resentment. I would have hated to have my parents monitoring me in late high school and college - esp after age 17.

Agree. Our parents had no idea where we were all day at age 7-8. I think it’s developmentally appropriate to give your teenagers more freedom so if you monitor and try to control in that way, even “nicely” their instincts as humans who instinctually seek freedom to “leave the nest” can grow to hate their parents, without fully understanding even why.

I think the freedom that we had is why some parents grew up to go overboard with this stuff. I know I got into some pretty scary situations as a kid and my parents had no idea.

[Anonymous]

We have gone through this the last few years with one of our kids. I don’t think it happens with all kids as our other child has a completely loving and respectful relationship with us. Unless there is a change, I plan to distance and not financially support this kid anymore. The level of pain this kid has caused been off the charts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too many parents micromanaging their teens today and using apps like Life360 and find my friends to track them. I have a friend that still checks in on her college teens aka “young adults” on Life360!!!We all grew up without that.

Nothing wrong with using Life 360

Uh, yes there is developmentally.

[Anonymous]

I'm Gen X. We had a lot of freedom as children (typical roaming the neighborhood stuff), but my parents weirdly got strict when we became teens (fear of bad peer group, drinking, pregnancy, etc. I think). I rebelled hard against that and couldn't stand it.

Now that I have teens, I give them a lot more space and freedom. That's what I wanted too. I had a job and good grades. I didn't need to be micromanaged.

So far, my kids have been OK. A few eye rolls here and there and they definitely are more private, but I think that's natural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have gone through this the last few years with one of our kids. I don’t think it happens with all kids as our other child has a completely loving and respectful relationship with us. Unless there is a change, I plan to distance and not financially support this kid anymore. The level of pain this kid has caused been off the charts.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this issue. I can definitely relate. I have one 18 year old who is unbelievably disrespectful. I am at my wits end. We've tried being firm, being nice and seeing a family therapist. Nothing is working. Like you, our other child has never acted anything remotely like the 18 year old.

[Anonymous]

Serious hugs and empathy for everyone going though this.

Whatever crumbs of pleasant attitude my 18 year old shows, I feel like I’m just there beaming with every kernel. But it’s so few and far between.

[Anonymous]

It’s just nature, op. Teenage elephants start hating their loving parents too!

[Anonymous]

Why do kids, who were so sweet growing up, turn into such A-holes in their teens?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your implication of poverty being a reason a child might hate their parents is very offensive.

It is very offensive.

Having been there, it's a very real teen emotion. Sorry it offends you.

[Anonymous]

It may just be me but I didn’t like my mother since I was 9. She would vehemently deny any abuse, and she indeed was a very sacrificing mother, but she was also a hoarder who I think also suffered from depression and anxiety, was very set in her ways, and I knew very early on that the way she made us all live was wrong. She wouldn’t have it so we fought.
I did crave her love though but I think she just couldn’t get over my criticism of her and her ways, and couldn’t really give it to me.
So yes I think there’s never just hate, there’s always that deep yearning for connection and understanding and yes, love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may just be me but I didn’t like my mother since I was 9. She would vehemently deny any abuse, and she indeed was a very sacrificing mother, but she was also a hoarder who I think also suffered from depression and anxiety, was very set in her ways, and I knew very early on that the way she made us all live was wrong. She wouldn’t have it so we fought.
I did crave her love though but I think she just couldn’t get over my criticism of her and her ways, and couldn’t really give it to me.
So yes I think there’s never just hate, there’s always that deep yearning for connection and understanding and yes, love.

To add, my brother had a much better relationship with her. He just went along with how she set up our lives so they didn’t clash so much. So yes it can be very different with different kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may just be me but I didn’t like my mother since I was 9. She would vehemently deny any abuse, and she indeed was a very sacrificing mother, but she was also a hoarder who I think also suffered from depression and anxiety, was very set in her ways, and I knew very early on that the way she made us all live was wrong. She wouldn’t have it so we fought.
I did crave her love though but I think she just couldn’t get over my criticism of her and her ways, and couldn’t really give it to me.
So yes I think there’s never just hate, there’s always that deep yearning for connection and understanding and yes, love.

Sounds like the child was indeed the problem here to "a very sacrificing mother." Cut your mother some slack so she was a hoarder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have gone through this the last few years with one of our kids. I don’t think it happens with all kids as our other child has a completely loving and respectful relationship with us. Unless there is a change, I plan to distance and not financially support this kid anymore. The level of pain this kid has caused been off the charts.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this issue. I can definitely relate. I have one 18 year old who is unbelievably disrespectful. I am at my wits end. We've tried being firm, being nice and seeing a family therapist. Nothing is working. Like you, our other child has never acted anything remotely like the 18 year old.

Time for them to move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Especially within a healthy and loving environment (in that there is no physical, sexual, or mental abuse and no drugs, neglect, poverty, abandonment, or even divorce), why do some teens start to despise their parents? I don't mean the common conflict about parents being strict (i.e. curfew or not letting their kids go to a party), but where they just seem mean and have a hatred for the parents. I've experienced this with my 17 year old and I know at least 2 people who have 18 years old that are currently experiencing this behavior. When I was a teen, my parents certainly were not perfect (no parent is), but I don't remember absolutely hating them. Even when there was conflict, I always loved them deep inside (even if I was angry at the moment). One of my friends, who has one of the 18 year olds, has been dealing with this issue for the past year and she fears that her son will never love her again. My own son (17) just ignores me and refuses to have any conversation (even ones that I thought he might be interested in like cool places to eat on our vacation). My son has friends and is doing well in school (and to my knowledge no bullying or girl issues). For those who went through this experience, how long did it last? Did your child ever explain why they acted this way?

I once read that this is biologically driven. From an evolutionary standpoint, when children became of childbearing age, they were not supposed to procreate with members of their own tribe/family, so they are biologically programmed to seek members of other tribes/ families to procreate with, hence the aversion to their own parents/ tribe members. This is only temporary as they reconcile with their own tribes in later years. You also have to remember that hundreds/ thousands of years ago, people used to have children in their teens as life expectancy was significantly shorter. I know it sounds odd but I feel there is some logic to that explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your implication of poverty being a reason a child might hate their parents is very offensive.

Beyond offensive and I’m well off!