DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about who you love more. You need to understand that if your mom is unable to live alone, guess what, she's not going to miraculously be independent when living with you. It's not as much about where she lives, but how. Who is going to prepare foods, feed her, take her to bathroom, wash her, do all the other basic things that we, independent adults, do ourselves? Add in medical issues, and someone has to take care of those as well. Would you become a full-time nurse/caretaker to your mother? If yes, you move in with her in her house and have a go. I think most men approach eldercare completely unrealistically.

But that wouldn't be fair to OP's wife either. Presumably, right now there are things that OP does that he wouldn't be able to if he's a full time caretaker to his mother. OP would have to quit his job, so that would be less household income. If they have more than one kid, and they usually need to each drive a kid to various activities in the afternoon/on weekends, now OP won't be able to do his share of the driving, so what happens? Do they hire a driver or tell the kids they can no longer do activities?
Maybe OP is the one in charge of mowing the lawn or cooking dinner each night while the wife has other household chores--if OP is taking care of his mom and can't do that, now the wife will have to do double the amount of chores or they will have to hire help (with the much lower income since OP has quit his job...)
So OP taking on all this additional work on his own isn't even a fair solution.

Sure, but normally by the time grandparents are at a stage where they cannot live by themselves, the kids are already out of the house or in high school, at the minimum. Of course it's not fair. But eldercare has to be done by someone, if one cannot manage themselves. The questions is who, right? It's not about "moving in" as such, but all the care that is required and comes with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about who you love more. You need to understand that if your mom is unable to live alone, guess what, she's not going to miraculously be independent when living with you. It's not as much about where she lives, but how. Who is going to prepare foods, feed her, take her to bathroom, wash her, do all the other basic things that we, independent adults, do ourselves? Add in medical issues, and someone has to take care of those as well. Would you become a full-time nurse/caretaker to your mother? If yes, you move in with her in her house and have a go. I think most men approach eldercare completely unrealistically.

But that wouldn't be fair to OP's wife either. Presumably, right now there are things that OP does that he wouldn't be able to if he's a full time caretaker to his mother. OP would have to quit his job, so that would be less household income. If they have more than one kid, and they usually need to each drive a kid to various activities in the afternoon/on weekends, now OP won't be able to do his share of the driving, so what happens? Do they hire a driver or tell the kids they can no longer do activities?
Maybe OP is the one in charge of mowing the lawn or cooking dinner each night while the wife has other household chores--if OP is taking care of his mom and can't do that, now the wife will have to do double the amount of chores or they will have to hire help (with the much lower income since OP has quit his job...)
So OP taking on all this additional work on his own isn't even a fair solution.

Sure, but normally by the time grandparents are at a stage where they cannot live by themselves, the kids are already out of the house or in high school, at the minimum. Of course it's not fair. But eldercare has to be done by someone, if one cannot manage themselves. The questions is who, right? It's not about "moving in" as such, but all the care that is required and comes with it.

Not always.
Especially in DCUM world, where a lot of people don't have kids until their mid 30's or later. "Grandma" will be in her 80s when the grandkids are in elementary school.
Even if there are no young kids at home, OP quitting his job to care for his mother will still place a burden on his wife.

[Anonymous]

Totally depends on your situation OP.

Don't have kids living at home and have extra space? Mom moving in might work.

Have kids? Not a good idea.

I grew up with my grandma living with us, it wasn't a great situation. Brought all the extended family dysfunctional drama into our house and I felt like my sibling and I were eventually driven out in favor of grandma. Never moved back to the area.

[Anonymous]

In law apartment or accessory dwelling unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

I’m sorry for your loss. Does your mother feel no guilt or shame about outliving two of her children?

[Anonymous]

How old is your mother? If she’s at-least 80, she’s already lived a full life and shouldn’t want you to make sacrifices to enable her to live longer than she already has. If, however, she’s younger than 80, you really need to put her before your wife until she is 80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

Omg I agree with you!! And of course forget about generational wealth because all is spent on elder care.
My living parent is more or less of sound mind but he is dependent on me for things and I don’t want to care for them in my 70s!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

I’m sorry for your loss. Does your mother feel no guilt or shame about outliving two of her children?

Her mom has dementia what are you talking about?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

+1
We keep prolonging life too long. 80 is a great age for a good long life. 10-15 years of retirement is plenty.

You should listen to my parent of that age proclaiming they plan to live to 100. I bite my tongue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

+1. I also think it doesn't allow for any quality time if you are caregiving for someone elderly with high needs (if that is in fact OP's potential situation). Def better to have an aide or assisted living doing that piece of it. And the family can try to focus on social needs.

This. Caregiving can be traumatic for inexperienced caregivers. An outside aide can be kind and attentive without being emotionally invested and quick to get into arguments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about who you love more. You need to understand that if your mom is unable to live alone, guess what, she's not going to miraculously be independent when living with you. It's not as much about where she lives, but how. Who is going to prepare foods, feed her, take her to bathroom, wash her, do all the other basic things that we, independent adults, do ourselves? Add in medical issues, and someone has to take care of those as well. Would you become a full-time nurse/caretaker to your mother? If yes, you move in with her in her house and have a go. I think most men approach eldercare completely unrealistically.

But that wouldn't be fair to OP's wife either. Presumably, right now there are things that OP does that he wouldn't be able to if he's a full time caretaker to his mother. OP would have to quit his job, so that would be less household income. If they have more than one kid, and they usually need to each drive a kid to various activities in the afternoon/on weekends, now OP won't be able to do his share of the driving, so what happens? Do they hire a driver or tell the kids they can no longer do activities?
Maybe OP is the one in charge of mowing the lawn or cooking dinner each night while the wife has other household chores--if OP is taking care of his mom and can't do that, now the wife will have to do double the amount of chores or they will have to hire help (with the much lower income since OP has quit his job...)
So OP taking on all this additional work on his own isn't even a fair solution.

Sure, but normally by the time grandparents are at a stage where they cannot live by themselves, the kids are already out of the house or in high school, at the minimum. Of course it's not fair. But eldercare has to be done by someone, if one cannot manage themselves. The questions is who, right? It's not about "moving in" as such, but all the care that is required and comes with it.

Based on the stories in my family, a good number of relatives lived in the same neighborhood so there were multiple people to rely on (assuming they're all semi-decent human beings who don't want to dump all duties on one sibling-- that's what happened to my grandmother).

Also, if there's money for assisted living or an aide, it has to be spent. The elderly parent shouldn't be holding an inheritance over the kid's head saying you're going to care for my yourself, my way, no strangers in my house, or you get nothing. At some point the money isn't worth it if this goes on for a decade or more and you reach age 70, parent dies, and you have a load of health issues brought on by the stress of eldercare. And because of those health issues, you're not traveling, not taking on a part time job you may enjoy, not moving to a nice, more affordable retirement destination because your number one priority is doctors.

[Anonymous]

its your mom, doo you now have any other family to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about who you love more. You need to understand that if your mom is unable to live alone, guess what, she's not going to miraculously be independent when living with you. It's not as much about where she lives, but how. Who is going to prepare foods, feed her, take her to bathroom, wash her, do all the other basic things that we, independent adults, do ourselves? Add in medical issues, and someone has to take care of those as well. Would you become a full-time nurse/caretaker to your mother? If yes, you move in with her in her house and have a go. I think most men approach eldercare completely unrealistically.

But that wouldn't be fair to OP's wife either. Presumably, right now there are things that OP does that he wouldn't be able to if he's a full time caretaker to his mother. OP would have to quit his job, so that would be less household income. If they have more than one kid, and they usually need to each drive a kid to various activities in the afternoon/on weekends, now OP won't be able to do his share of the driving, so what happens? Do they hire a driver or tell the kids they can no longer do activities?
Maybe OP is the one in charge of mowing the lawn or cooking dinner each night while the wife has other household chores--if OP is taking care of his mom and can't do that, now the wife will have to do double the amount of chores or they will have to hire help (with the much lower income since OP has quit his job...)
So OP taking on all this additional work on his own isn't even a fair solution.

Sure, but normally by the time grandparents are at a stage where they cannot live by themselves, the kids are already out of the house or in high school, at the minimum. Of course it's not fair. But eldercare has to be done by someone, if one cannot manage themselves. The questions is who, right? It's not about "moving in" as such, but all the care that is required and comes with it.

Not always.
Especially in DCUM world, where a lot of people don't have kids until their mid 30's or later. "Grandma" will be in her 80s when the grandkids are in elementary school.
Even if there are no young kids at home, OP quitting his job to care for his mother will still place a burden on his wife.

Completely agree, which is why I tried to say that OP's understanding of "love" or it's just about "moving in" is naive and unrealistic. It's about eldercare. The wife is able to foresee that MIL requires extensive care in the near future and doesn't want to be responsible for it, while the OP talks about who he loves more and about "moving in", as if he's offering to move in an independent self-sufficient individual, who just takes up space and is no bother to anyone else in the house. Men are unrealistic about caretaking, whether it's the kids or the elderly. Everybody just gets fed and cleaned with a magic wand. That said, if I was in this position and someone had to quit a job, I'd not want to quit MY job to care for a MIL. I'm sure if DH quit his job to take care of his mom, he'd find other arrangements real fast.

[Anonymous]

I would not recommend it. Assisted living period or in-home care at their residence. I ended up taking care of my FIL for six month after he needed major emergency surgery. He came to visit us for the Holidays and ended up staying until he was fixed up/recovered. My mother then decided to stay with us and "help" with the kids. She never really helped, overstayed her stay for 10 months (including surgery and recovery time)/ It was a huge burden and all the work and appointment handling/driving fell on me with both BIL and my mother. DH and his three brothers never helped. It's all going to fall on you and you will be resentful and will regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about who you love more. You need to understand that if your mom is unable to live alone, guess what, she's not going to miraculously be independent when living with you. It's not as much about where she lives, but how. Who is going to prepare foods, feed her, take her to bathroom, wash her, do all the other basic things that we, independent adults, do ourselves? Add in medical issues, and someone has to take care of those as well. Would you become a full-time nurse/caretaker to your mother? If yes, you move in with her in her house and have a go. I think most men approach eldercare completely unrealistically.

But that wouldn't be fair to OP's wife either. Presumably, right now there are things that OP does that he wouldn't be able to if he's a full time caretaker to his mother. OP would have to quit his job, so that would be less household income. If they have more than one kid, and they usually need to each drive a kid to various activities in the afternoon/on weekends, now OP won't be able to do his share of the driving, so what happens? Do they hire a driver or tell the kids they can no longer do activities?
Maybe OP is the one in charge of mowing the lawn or cooking dinner each night while the wife has other household chores--if OP is taking care of his mom and can't do that, now the wife will have to do double the amount of chores or they will have to hire help (with the much lower income since OP has quit his job...)
So OP taking on all this additional work on his own isn't even a fair solution.

Sure, but normally by the time grandparents are at a stage where they cannot live by themselves, the kids are already out of the house or in high school, at the minimum. Of course it's not fair. But eldercare has to be done by someone, if one cannot manage themselves. The questions is who, right? It's not about "moving in" as such, but all the care that is required and comes with it.

Not always.
Especially in DCUM world, where a lot of people don't have kids until their mid 30's or later. "Grandma" will be in her 80s when the grandkids are in elementary school.
Even if there are no young kids at home, OP quitting his job to care for his mother will still place a burden on his wife.

Completely agree, which is why I tried to say that OP's understanding of "love" or it's just about "moving in" is naive and unrealistic. It's about eldercare. The wife is able to foresee that MIL requires extensive care in the near future and doesn't want to be responsible for it, while the OP talks about who he loves more and about "moving in", as if he's offering to move in an independent self-sufficient individual, who just takes up space and is no bother to anyone else in the house. Men are unrealistic about caretaking, whether it's the kids or the elderly. Everybody just gets fed and cleaned with a magic wand. That said, if I was in this position and someone had to quit a job, I'd not want to quit MY job to care for a MIL. I'm sure if DH quit his job to take care of his mom, he'd find other arrangements real fast.

No one "has to quit a job." OP's mom can live in an assisted living community.