Reply to DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us."

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's not about who you love more. You need to understand that if your mom is unable to live alone, guess what, she's not going to miraculously be independent when living with you. It's not as much about where she lives, but how. Who is going to prepare foods, feed her, take her to bathroom, wash her, do all the other basic things that we, independent adults, do ourselves? Add in medical issues, and someone has to take care of those as well. [b]Would you become a full-time nurse/caretaker to your mother? If yes, you move in with her in her house and have a go. [/b]I think most men approach eldercare completely unrealistically. [/quote]

But that wouldn't be fair to OP's wife either.   Presumably, right now there are things that OP does that he wouldn't be able to if he's a full time caretaker to his mother.    OP would have to quit his job, so that would be less household income.    If they have more than one kid, and they usually need to each drive a kid to various activities in the afternoon/on weekends, now OP won't be able to do his share of the driving, so what happens?  Do they hire a driver or tell the kids they can no longer do activities?
Maybe OP is the one in charge of mowing the lawn or cooking dinner each night while the wife has other household chores--if OP is taking care of his mom and can't do that, now the wife will have to do double the amount of chores or they will have to hire help (with the much lower income since OP has quit his job...)
So OP taking on all this additional work on his own isn't even a fair solution.[/quote]

Sure, but normally by the time grandparents are at a stage where they cannot live by themselves, the kids are already out of the house or in high school, at the minimum. Of course it's not fair. But eldercare has to be done by someone, if one cannot manage themselves. The questions is who, right? It's not about "moving in" as such, but all the care that is required and comes with it. [/quote]

Not always.  
Especially in DCUM world, where a lot of people don't have kids until their mid 30's or later.   "Grandma" will be in her 80s when the grandkids are in elementary school.
Even if there are no young kids at home, OP quitting his job to care for his mother will still place a burden on his wife.[/quote]

Completely agree, which is why I tried to say that OP's understanding of "love" or it's just about "moving in" is naive and unrealistic. It's about eldercare. The wife is able to foresee that MIL requires extensive care in the near future and doesn't want to be responsible for it, while the OP talks about who he loves more and about "moving in", as if he's offering to move in an independent self-sufficient individual, who just takes up space and is no bother to anyone else in the house. Men are unrealistic about caretaking, whether it's the kids or the elderly. Everybody just gets fed and cleaned with a magic wand. [b]That said, if I was in this position and someone had to quit a job, I'd not want to quit MY job to care for a MIL. [/b]I'm sure if DH quit his job to take care of his mom, he'd find other arrangements real fast. [/quote]

No one "has to quit a job."   OP's mom can live in an assisted living community.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics