What would you do if your spouse drank every night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One beer or three or five?

Depends on the night, but I don't have time to drink anything. I'm a grown-up.

Only grown ups can legally drink. It’s definitely a grown up thing to do.

I assume you knew he drank alcohol when you met him? If you are anti drinking you should have married someone who also didn’t drink.

I'm not anti-drinking, I'm just in my mid-40s. I enjoy the taste of cocktails and wine and some beer, and if we're out to dinner or hanging with friends, it's nice to have some, but who just drinks at home for no reason?

Also, now that we're learning about the link between alcohol and cancer and seeing how many 40-somethings who were "fun" in their 20s and 30s are now turning into functioning (sometimes) alcoholics, I am kind of becoming anti-alcohol. Aren't you?

I’m becoming kind of anti-you, if I’m being honest. I think I understand why your husband drinks. I wish I could buy him a beer.

😭

[Anonymous]

If it wasn't problematic at least some of the time you wouldn't be posting about it. You should probably check out Al-anon with the caveat that it can be hard to find a good meeting from what I hear. (I'm in the other program).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One beer or three or five?

Depends on the night, but I don't have time to drink anything. I'm a grown-up.

You don't have time to drink anything? Not even water?

[Anonymous]

Are you an alcoholic, OP? I am, and people like my husband who can drink just one are not the problem.

I don’t drink at all. Because alcoholic. But my husband having a beer a day and a few occasionally is not a concern to me. If I felt drawn to it or having it in the house was a problem for me he would stop, but I am OK with it in my recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One beer or three or five?

Depends on the night, but I don't have time to drink anything. I'm a grown-up.

Only grown ups can legally drink. It’s definitely a grown up thing to do.

I assume you knew he drank alcohol when you met him? If you are anti drinking you should have married someone who also didn’t drink.

I'm not anti-drinking, I'm just in my mid-40s. I enjoy the taste of cocktails and wine and some beer, and if we're out to dinner or hanging with friends, it's nice to have some, but who just drinks at home for no reason?

Also, now that we're learning about the link between alcohol and cancer and seeing how many 40-somethings who were "fun" in their 20s and 30s are now turning into functioning (sometimes) alcoholics, I am kind of becoming anti-alcohol. Aren't you?

Um, no. You sound annoying. If I were him and you made a fuss about this, I'd leave your nagging ass.

[Anonymous]

OP has lost her audience here by insisting that someone who has one drink a day is a “compulsive” drinker and an alcoholic. This kind of catastrophizing attitude is a lot worse for you than one drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it wasn't problematic at least some of the time you wouldn't be posting about it. You should probably check out Al-anon with the caveat that it can be hard to find a good meeting from what I hear. (I'm in the other program).

So hard to find a good meeting. And so many fewer options than the other program.

But I think in-person is important for Al-Anon and due to my spouse's drinking habits I could only do online. Can't leave your kids with a drunk spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a glass of wine almost every night with my spouse. It’s pretty much a ritual for us. Everyone I know does this. Seems odd to me to have an issue with it.

That's the definition of alcoholism. I don't know anyone who does it.

I'm married to an alcoholic and having one glass of wine with dinner is absolutely not the definition of alcoholism. It would not trip the CAGE test. It would not trip the 12 question test that talks about being compulsively unable to stop and interfering with daily function and relationships. It would not trip any of that.

Maybe, maybe, it could eventually shade over into minor alcohol misuse if PP and her husband started having issues with sleep because of it (some people do with just one glass) but refused to stop or something. Maybe.

But alcohol use disorder, aka alcoholism? No.

[Anonymous]

This thread has devolved into an unnecessary debate about alcoholism. I think this is more about “how do I want my life to look.”

My husband and I explicitly discussed the role of alcohol in our lives before marriage. I had a dad who became on alcoholic mid-life and my husband grew up in a teetotaler house. We both drink, but it is limited to a night out, fun occasion, etc. We might have 20 drinks a year. We agreed that we didn’t want to drink regularly at home especially once we had kids. If my husband suddenly changed and started having a beer every night, I would be concerned. I am glad we planned to this way, because we ended up with one kid with profound special needs and one with cancer, and I can see how drinking one drink a night could have turned into a bottle a night under that kind of stress. But our life just wasn’t set up in a way that this was a risk.

In this situation, it sounds like OP married a guy that drank regularly and is now dismayed to find he still drinks regularly when they have gotten older and busier. It isn’t clear to me if she is worried about his health (which I think is legit even if you are not an alcoholic) or frustrated that he seems to still feel he can relax each night while she never feels she can relax. Or maybe both. Or maybe he is really drinking a lot more than one beer a night and addiction is a concern. She needs to figure that out first. She also needs to recognize that she was fine with this arrangement in earlier years and habits are really hard to break. With all that in mind, maybe then she can have a more constructive conversation with her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has devolved into an unnecessary debate about alcoholism. I think this is more about “how do I want my life to look.”

My husband and I explicitly discussed the role of alcohol in our lives before marriage. I had a dad who became on alcoholic mid-life and my husband grew up in a teetotaler house. We both drink, but it is limited to a night out, fun occasion, etc. We might have 20 drinks a year. We agreed that we didn’t want to drink regularly at home especially once we had kids. If my husband suddenly changed and started having a beer every night, I would be concerned. I am glad we planned to this way, because we ended up with one kid with profound special needs and one with cancer, and I can see how drinking one drink a night could have turned into a bottle a night under that kind of stress. But our life just wasn’t set up in a way that this was a risk.

In this situation, it sounds like OP married a guy that drank regularly and is now dismayed to find he still drinks regularly when they have gotten older and busier. It isn’t clear to me if she is worried about his health (which I think is legit even if you are not an alcoholic) or frustrated that he seems to still feel he can relax each night while she never feels she can relax. Or maybe both. Or maybe he is really drinking a lot more than one beer a night and addiction is a concern. She needs to figure that out first. She also needs to recognize that she was fine with this arrangement in earlier years and habits are really hard to break. With all that in mind, maybe then she can have a more constructive conversation with her husband.

It really read to me like OP was the one attacking those who were talking about a regular one-drink-a-night habit as alcoholism. If it was OP, than the debate is valid because OP is the one trying to make the conversation go this way.

But your points are insightful and useful regardless.

[Anonymous]

Id join them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has devolved into an unnecessary debate about alcoholism. I think this is more about “how do I want my life to look.”

My husband and I explicitly discussed the role of alcohol in our lives before marriage. I had a dad who became on alcoholic mid-life and my husband grew up in a teetotaler house. We both drink, but it is limited to a night out, fun occasion, etc. We might have 20 drinks a year. We agreed that we didn’t want to drink regularly at home especially once we had kids. If my husband suddenly changed and started having a beer every night, I would be concerned. I am glad we planned to this way, because we ended up with one kid with profound special needs and one with cancer, and I can see how drinking one drink a night could have turned into a bottle a night under that kind of stress. But our life just wasn’t set up in a way that this was a risk.

In this situation, it sounds like OP married a guy that drank regularly and is now dismayed to find he still drinks regularly when they have gotten older and busier. It isn’t clear to me if she is worried about his health (which I think is legit even if you are not an alcoholic) or frustrated that he seems to still feel he can relax each night while she never feels she can relax. Or maybe both. Or maybe he is really drinking a lot more than one beer a night and addiction is a concern. She needs to figure that out first. She also needs to recognize that she was fine with this arrangement in earlier years and habits are really hard to break. With all that in mind, maybe then she can have a more constructive conversation with her husband.

It really read to me like OP was the one attacking those who were talking about a regular one-drink-a-night habit as alcoholism. If it was OP, than the debate is valid because OP is the one trying to make the conversation go this way.

But your points are insightful and useful regardless.

I agree with both of these PPs. Very insightful and helpful. Hopefully OP is still reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One beer or three or five?

Depends on the night, but I don't have time to drink anything. I'm a grown-up.

Only grown ups can legally drink. It’s definitely a grown up thing to do.

I assume you knew he drank alcohol when you met him? If you are anti drinking you should have married someone who also didn’t drink.

I'm not anti-drinking, I'm just in my mid-40s. I enjoy the taste of cocktails and wine and some beer, and if we're out to dinner or hanging with friends, it's nice to have some, but who just drinks at home for no reason?

Also, now that we're learning about the link between alcohol and cancer and seeing how many 40-somethings who were "fun" in their 20s and 30s are now turning into functioning (sometimes) alcoholics, I am kind of becoming anti-alcohol. Aren't you?

No. You seem uptight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand anyone who drinks every night. Drink a glass of water before bed. wtf is the point of a beer every night? Sorry, I would have a serious talk with him about it. If he could not cut it out, then I would divorce.

Absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a glass of wine almost every night with my spouse. It’s pretty much a ritual for us. Everyone I know does this. Seems odd to me to have an issue with it.

That's the definition of alcoholism. I don't know anyone who does it.

It literally is not: Alcoholism, also known as alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a medical condition characterized by an inability to control drinking despite negative consequences, such as health issues or problems in personal relationships.