What would you do if your spouse drank every night?

[Anonymous]

I told him it concerned me and he stopped.

My mom is an alcoholic (sober seven years though) and I told him that I didn't like seeing it become a habit.

We drink occasionally (last weekend at my birthday dinner, for example, before that probably a Super Bowl party), so when he started doing it daily during COVID I brought it up.

In my opinion, anyone who drinks every day has a serious alcohol problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just one drink a day is bad for your health. A lot of research out there on this. Google it.

I don’t think it makes a person an alcoholic. And I’m not offended or judgmental about it like OP. But do it knowing what you’re doing and comparing it to a daily coffee habit is silly.

Why is it silly? Addiction is a dependency on something. I hear a lot more people saying they can’t function without coffee than without booze.

I am definitely ok with being addicted to coffee. Who cares? Yes I need it to wake up, no I have no intentions of changing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it wasn't problematic at least some of the time you wouldn't be posting about it. You should probably check out Al-anon with the caveat that it can be hard to find a good meeting from what I hear. (I'm in the other program).

OP sounds like she is posting about it for her own issues, not her spouse’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you have time. Many people have a glass of wine at dinner or a beer after work. One is no big deal it becomes a problem when it creeps to 2 or 3 or more and they get that fat alcohol belly. One a night is fine.

No, I don't have time. By the time the kids are off to bed, the house is cleaned up, the dog is walked, I want to get in bed and read a book, not get a buzz on.

You're not making the time for it, you mean. Which, by the way, is a totally fine choice, but it's not that you don't have the time, it's that you don't prioritize it to make the time. I feel like maybe part of your problem is that you're coming at this from a position of superiority, which I get, because being addicted to drinking isn't a good look. But I don't think it'll help your conversation with your husband if you bring it up. Also, if you're the one putting the kids to bed, cleaning the house, and walking the dog while he sits on the couch and drinks beer, your problem isn't actually the drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told him it concerned me and he stopped.

My mom is an alcoholic (sober seven years though) and I told him that I didn't like seeing it become a habit.

We drink occasionally (last weekend at my birthday dinner, for example, before that probably a Super Bowl party), so when he started doing it daily during COVID I brought it up.

In my opinion, anyone who drinks every day has a serious alcohol problem.

Are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In my opinion, anyone who drinks every day has a serious alcohol problem.

And? Why would your opinion matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you have time. Many people have a glass of wine at dinner or a beer after work. One is no big deal it becomes a problem when it creeps to 2 or 3 or more and they get that fat alcohol belly. One a night is fine.

No, I don't have time. By the time the kids are off to bed, the house is cleaned up, the dog is walked, I want to get in bed and read a book, not get a buzz on.

You're not making the time for it, you mean. Which, by the way, is a totally fine choice, but it's not that you don't have the time, it's that you don't prioritize it to make the time. I feel like maybe part of your problem is that you're coming at this from a position of superiority, which I get, because being addicted to drinking isn't a good look. But I don't think it'll help your conversation with your husband if you bring it up. Also, if you're the one putting the kids to bed, cleaning the house, and walking the dog while he sits on the couch and drinks beer, your problem isn't actually the drinking.

Yes to the bold!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you have time. Many people have a glass of wine at dinner or a beer after work. One is no big deal it becomes a problem when it creeps to 2 or 3 or more and they get that fat alcohol belly. One a night is fine.

No, I don't have time. By the time the kids are off to bed, the house is cleaned up, the dog is walked, I want to get in bed and read a book, not get a buzz on.

This is different than not having time. It’s actually possible to have a beer WHILE reading a book.

Will it make reading the book better? In my experience, it will just add calories and make it harder to sleep.

For you. Some people don't have negative reactions to alcohol, either because they actually need it (i.e. are dependent on it) or because they process it differently. I personally don't drink much, but don't assume that your experience is everyone's experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a glass of wine almost every night with my spouse. It’s pretty much a ritual for us. Everyone I know does this. Seems odd to me to have an issue with it.

That's the definition of alcoholism. I don't know anyone who does it.

I know someone who does it and they are most definitely an alcoholic. I am quite certain they would be very sick if they didn't drink every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told him it concerned me and he stopped.

My mom is an alcoholic (sober seven years though) and I told him that I didn't like seeing it become a habit.

We drink occasionally (last weekend at my birthday dinner, for example, before that probably a Super Bowl party), so when he started doing it daily during COVID I brought it up.

In my opinion, anyone who drinks every day has a serious alcohol problem.

Wrong. I drink a scotch nightly. I did an entire dry January without any issue. I am definitely not an alcoholic because otherwise I would have had an issue doing so. To be honest, I just didn’t see the health effects dry January promised. I didn’t sleep better, have clearer skin etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not talking huge amounts, but habitual daily drinking? He's 42 and is still drinking beer daily... college was fun, but that was more than two decades ago, why won't he grow up?

This happened to me and it only got worse. I drink very little and realize I'm not the norm in our social circles. So I framed it for myself not to make it an issue unless it interfered with daily life. But then it started to. That was in our 40s as well. That caused marital problems, but you haven't mentioned that. So I'll just focus on health.

My husband is now in his 60s and it has taken a toll on his health, including diabetes and heart and liver. He's been sober for 2 years, but the damage is done. Oh, and you could mention that it interferes with sex. Because it can. That's probably my husband's biggest regret, more than the other health issues.

It all depends on your husband's outlook and your relationship. Can you approach it as a health issue? There are some really great non-alcoholic drinks out there now. But maybe fill that time with something else? Boring, I know, but my husband and i walk the dog together in the evenings after dinner. If he were a gym person, I'd take him to the gym with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it wasn't problematic at least some of the time you wouldn't be posting about it. You should probably check out Al-anon with the caveat that it can be hard to find a good meeting from what I hear. (I'm in the other program).

OP sounds like she is posting about it for her own issues, not her spouse’s.

Al-anon literally exists for those who love someone with a flawed relationship with alcohol to work on themselves. They will stop you if you start talking about working on the alcoholic (or in OP's case, the person with a possibly concerning relationship to alcohol). They want you to focus on you - your boundaries, your communication skills, your need to change your ways of relating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a glass of wine almost every night with my spouse. It’s pretty much a ritual for us. Everyone I know does this. Seems odd to me to have an issue with it.

That's the definition of alcoholism. I don't know anyone who does it.

I know someone who does it and they are most definitely an alcoholic. I am quite certain they would be very sick if they didn't drink every day.

I bet they are drinking more than a glass and you just don’t know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it wasn't problematic at least some of the time you wouldn't be posting about it. You should probably check out Al-anon with the caveat that it can be hard to find a good meeting from what I hear. (I'm in the other program).

OP sounds like she is posting about it for her own issues, not her spouse’s.

Al-anon literally exists for those who love someone with a flawed relationship with alcohol to work on themselves. They will stop you if you start talking about working on the alcoholic (or in OP's case, the person with a possibly concerning relationship to alcohol). They want you to focus on you - your boundaries, your communication skills, your need to change your ways of relating.

Theres no evidence OP’s spouse has a “flawed relationship with alcohol.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a glass of wine almost every night with my spouse. It’s pretty much a ritual for us. Everyone I know does this. Seems odd to me to have an issue with it.

That's the definition of alcoholism. I don't know anyone who does it.

I know someone who does it and they are most definitely an alcoholic. I am quite certain they would be very sick if they didn't drink every day.

Then they drink more than one beer every day.
- someone who has taken a loved one to the ER who was in alcohol withdrawal