My 8yo DD has become a spoiled brat

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Has she been in therapy? A divorce for a kid that age is a lot to process - she may be blaming herself, etc. I would strongly encourage you to get someone for her to talk to. Maybe frame as you want her to have access to someone she can go to discuss things she can't with you and you understand that because you're her mom and it's ok to be angry with your mom but understandably that's hard for you to hear and process so having a third person would be helpful for both of you.

Also, something I started recently with my 10-year-old twin girls is a gratitude exercise every evening. You say 3-5 things you're grateful for and they can be little things or big things, silly things or serious things. My husband and I felt like both our girls had gotten into a bit of "spoiled brat" territory where we felt like they didn't appreciate their amazing lives (we're married, they have the pets they want, they live in a big house with separate bedrooms, they attend an amazing school, they have lots of friends, they get to travel a lot, they got a lot of what they want - not everything, but a lot, they have ponies for crying out loud) and yet they'd sometimes focus on negative things that seemed insignificant to us. We recognize that we have two different viewpoints, and having grown up UMC as well, I know now how little I understood about how lucky I was, but it was dragging us all down. One of my kids went from saying on Sunday night that she wishes she could do homeschool (because the boys at school are annoying) to being grateful she's at such a good school.

I typed all the above while on hold for a work call so I'm probably not portraying it correctly and I'm sure I'll get flayed for something or the other, but OP my point is perhaps doing something like that with your daughter would help her see all the things you think she should be grateful for and turn her framing around. Good luck, this age is hard and you're a good mom to do so much with her and to care.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses but people are really piling on the OP.

Change schools? It sounds like she's in public school, so you want the single mom to just go buy a house in a new city?

Enforce the screen time? OP sounds like she does but her ex doesn't. I've never had to coparent with an ex but I have friends who have and it's not like snapping your fingers.

OP, ignore the mean comments. Are you giving your child too much/overstimulating her? Probably, but you can fix that. It's also ok to be bored, she needs to learn that.

I would have both of you talk to someone on a regular basis. You each have a lot to deal with right now and it's only going to get harder as she gets older and the hormones kick in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced? Has she seen a counselor?

Other than that I agree with everyone else. Too much for one day, and you should have taken her home as soon as she acted up. Get her out of one of those after school classes, it's too much after a full day of school.

She needs consequences for her behavior. Immediate consequences, not a trip to Chuck E Cheese.

I also think the child of divorced parents needs compassion and understanding, but go ahead and try locking her in her room to see if that fixes everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the screens and too much stuff going on. 3 activities in a weekend day? You are clearly trying to make up for the divorce. Do some crafts at home, read books together etc.

I have an 8yo daughter and we often have 2-3 things going on. I have 3 kids though so the 8yo may be going to sibling’s games.

I’m not sure why OP would take her kid to Chuck E Cheese.

I don’t think it is fair OP is making up for divorce. We know kids who are only children and parents fill the day more than kids with multiple siblings.

My 8yo is a dream. I never buy her random things. I try hard NOT to spoil her.

To be clear, your 8 year old may have learned that her only option was to be a dream because she has two older siblings whose games she is constantly made to attend and she's learned that no one listens to her or cares what she thinks she's since the third child.

I'm not saying any of that is true, by the way, I'm just saying that people are criticizing a lot of OP's choices while acting like somehow they deserved the wonderful children they got and (a) kids aren't always as you think they are - see as exhibits all the people who post on here and say they had unhappy childhoods when I'm sure their parents told everyone their childhood was magical and (b) kids aren't the same so the same input isn't going to get the same output every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's environmental: screens or divorce, or whatever else people always like to point to.

My kids are terminally online and are very calm people. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times (combined) they've had tantrums in their lives - and they're 19 and 14.

Personality and volatility are mostly determined by genetic predisposition, so look to the parents. Were any of you volatile? Could you have been but were disciplined so much you were controlled by fear instead?

Impulsivity and anger like this is are red flags for hyperactive ADHD and anxiety. A neurotypical 9 year old does not have full blown tantrums like this, OP. You should have your daughter evaluated by a psychologist, because if she has ADHD, anxiety, or something else that's diagnosable, it's not going to go away by itself. It will need a specific parental approach, and quite likely therapy and medication.

And one of the biggest triggers for meltdowns in kids who are neurodiverse is exhaustion and overstimulation. And I can guarantee a kid with two daily afterschool activities and three "fun" activities on one weekend day is both exhausted and overstimulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're placing a lot of blame on everything else. Where you live, the other kids, the other parent, YouTube. You need to accept some of the blame. You said your kid was acting like a brat all day....why did you take her to a movie and then to an arcade?! If she was acting like a brat after the plants, you go home.

And she needs to be bored. Kids need to be bored. They need to learn how to entertain themselves. Do arts and crafts, Legos , puzzles, board games....throw an at home movie day. Bake or do fun recipes. Go online and find activities to do at home with your kid.

Yeah, I’m not sure why OP is blaming everyone else. I would say divorce may be partly to blame for bad behavior.

I often think bad girl behavior comes from the mother or an older sister or both. They learn from your behavior.

Ask yourself honestly, do you think any of this is helpful? Do you think OP posted on here hoping to get rude comments from people about how her divorce messed up her child (you have no idea why she got divorced or if it was even her choice) and that her kid is a brat because the mom is a brat. Do you hear yourself?

I'm all for people taking accountability for their actions, but you didn't even try to couch your response by saying that OP needs to examine the situation she and her daughter are in to identify the factors that could be causing this. Nope, you just said it's her fault for everything and that's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're placing a lot of blame on everything else. Where you live, the other kids, the other parent, YouTube. You need to accept some of the blame. You said your kid was acting like a brat all day....why did you take her to a movie and then to an arcade?! If she was acting like a brat after the plants, you go home.

And she needs to be bored. Kids need to be bored. They need to learn how to entertain themselves. Do arts and crafts, Legos , puzzles, board games....throw an at home movie day. Bake or do fun recipes. Go online and find activities to do at home with your kid.

Yeah, I’m not sure why OP is blaming everyone else. I would say divorce may be partly to blame for bad behavior.

I often think bad girl behavior comes from the mother or an older sister or both. They learn from your behavior.

Ask yourself honestly, do you think any of this is helpful? Do you think OP posted on here hoping to get rude comments from people about how her divorce messed up her child (you have no idea why she got divorced or if it was even her choice) and that her kid is a brat because the mom is a brat. Do you hear yourself?

I'm all for people taking accountability for their actions, but you didn't even try to couch your response by saying that OP needs to examine the situation she and her daughter are in to identify the factors that could be causing this. Nope, you just said it's her fault for everything and that's that.

I think there was some good advice in this thread. For example, divorced parents or not, it is generally not a good idea for most kids to have them in 2 activities each day after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced? Has she seen a counselor?

Other than that I agree with everyone else. Too much for one day, and you should have taken her home as soon as she acted up. Get her out of one of those after school classes, it's too much after a full day of school.

She needs consequences for her behavior. Immediate consequences, not a trip to Chuck E Cheese.

I also think the child of divorced parents needs compassion and understanding, but go ahead and try locking her in her room to see if that fixes everything.

Uh do what now? I am a single mom and you can be darn sure I maintain proper expectations for my child and institute consequences as needed. Divorce is not an excuse not to parent your child properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, don’t understand all the activities on a weekend. Whatever happened to we will clean up the house until noon and then, head to the park or a hike for a few hours. Your job is not to entertain your child on the weekend. Instead, allow them to play, have a friend over and do their homework.

We do spend the morning cleaning and hanging out, although there’s not much to clean since it’s just us. By noon she’s complaining she’s bored.

We live in a really bad area in the middle of nowhere, so parks aren’t always the best option. It’s not uncommon for there to be homeless people, people using drugs, armed robbery, etc. So we usually try to go places that are safer.

Her school doesn’t give homework. We have play dates sometimes but her friends don’t always come from the best families. Like last time she went to play with a friend, the mom left the kids to go bail someone out of jail and brought him back to the house.

Unfortunately that’s just the reality of wheee we live.

If you can drive to a plant store, the movies and Chuck E Cheese, you can drive to a nicer park. You’re making a lot of excuses OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's environmental: screens or divorce, or whatever else people always like to point to.

My kids are terminally online and are very calm people. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times (combined) they've had tantrums in their lives - and they're 19 and 14.

Personality and volatility are mostly determined by genetic predisposition, so look to the parents. Were any of you volatile? Could you have been but were disciplined so much you were controlled by fear instead?

Impulsivity and anger like this is are red flags for hyperactive ADHD and anxiety. A neurotypical 9 year old does not have full blown tantrums like this, OP. You should have your daughter evaluated by a psychologist, because if she has ADHD, anxiety, or something else that's diagnosable, it's not going to go away by itself. It will need a specific parental approach, and quite likely therapy and medication.

Me again. I would also like to point out that adults are most likely to divorce if there are mental health issues in the relationship, theirs or their spouse's. So if OP's husband is impulsive and prone to anger, and they got divorced, etc, then OP's child exhibits the same psychological profile... it's not because they divorced that's she like this. It's because she inherited these personality traits from her father.

OP, feel free to ignore people like this who had two kids and that that they are the example of all children everywhere and any child that isn't like this has something wrong with them.

And PP, having a kid who is "terminally online" isn't exactly parenting goals for most of us. At least OP is willing to look for help.

[Anonymous]

How does OP live "in a really bad area in the middle of nowhere" but still have easy access to shopping, chuck-e-cheese, and two activities a day for her kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're placing a lot of blame on everything else. Where you live, the other kids, the other parent, YouTube. You need to accept some of the blame. You said your kid was acting like a brat all day....why did you take her to a movie and then to an arcade?! If she was acting like a brat after the plants, you go home.

And she needs to be bored. Kids need to be bored. They need to learn how to entertain themselves. Do arts and crafts, Legos , puzzles, board games....throw an at home movie day. Bake or do fun recipes. Go online and find activities to do at home with your kid.

Yeah, I’m not sure why OP is blaming everyone else. I would say divorce may be partly to blame for bad behavior.

I often think bad girl behavior comes from the mother or an older sister or both. They learn from your behavior.

Ask yourself honestly, do you think any of this is helpful? Do you think OP posted on here hoping to get rude comments from people about how her divorce messed up her child (you have no idea why she got divorced or if it was even her choice) and that her kid is a brat because the mom is a brat. Do you hear yourself?

I'm all for people taking accountability for their actions, but you didn't even try to couch your response by saying that OP needs to examine the situation she and her daughter are in to identify the factors that could be causing this. Nope, you just said it's her fault for everything and that's that.

I think there was some good advice in this thread. For example, divorced parents or not, it is generally not a good idea for most kids to have them in 2 activities each day after school.

In the thread, sure. In that post, no. That was the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced? Has she seen a counselor?

Other than that I agree with everyone else. Too much for one day, and you should have taken her home as soon as she acted up. Get her out of one of those after school classes, it's too much after a full day of school.

She needs consequences for her behavior. Immediate consequences, not a trip to Chuck E Cheese.

I also think the child of divorced parents needs compassion and understanding, but go ahead and try locking her in her room to see if that fixes everything.

Uh do what now? I am a single mom and you can be darn sure I maintain proper expectations for my child and institute consequences as needed. Divorce is not an excuse not to parent your child properly.

Good for you. Just tell OP everything you do so she can do the same and I'm sure it'll work like a charm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced? Has she seen a counselor?

Other than that I agree with everyone else. Too much for one day, and you should have taken her home as soon as she acted up. Get her out of one of those after school classes, it's too much after a full day of school.

She needs consequences for her behavior. Immediate consequences, not a trip to Chuck E Cheese.

I also think the child of divorced parents needs compassion and understanding, but go ahead and try locking her in her room to see if that fixes everything.

Uh do what now? I am a single mom and you can be darn sure I maintain proper expectations for my child and institute consequences as needed. Divorce is not an excuse not to parent your child properly.

Good for you. Just tell OP everything you do so she can do the same and I'm sure it'll work like a charm.

Serious question, do you just let your kids run wild because you’re divorced? If so you are doing them a disservice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced? Has she seen a counselor?

Other than that I agree with everyone else. Too much for one day, and you should have taken her home as soon as she acted up. Get her out of one of those after school classes, it's too much after a full day of school.

She needs consequences for her behavior. Immediate consequences, not a trip to Chuck E Cheese.

I also think the child of divorced parents needs compassion and understanding, but go ahead and try locking her in her room to see if that fixes everything.

I agree with this, and will also note that with divorced parents, strict discipline won't work if the other parent isn't following at least a similar approach. Sounds like OP and her ex need to work together to address this, and I'd start with a therapist for the girl to help her process the divorce, her feelings, and to get an adult involved who can be more neutral and more exclusively focused on the child's needs.