My 8yo DD has become a spoiled brat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD will be 9 in May. She’s gotten progressively worse over the last 2 years, constantly angry and upset, lashing out, making sarcastic comments. We can have a great day of going to the movies, the arcade, dinner, and I’ll say no to buying one toy and she goes into a full meltdown crying, yelling, screaming it’s the worst day ever and she wishes I weren’t her mom.

Her dad and I are divorced and I understand she has a lot of emotion and struggle with that. I have tried to be patient. For years I have let her express her emotions and tried to be patient. I have ignored her bad behavior and tried to reinforce the good, pleasant behavior. I listen when she needs to talk but she just gets more and more angry when I listen and will start bringing up things from 2-3 years ago.

I finally snapped today. I took her to buy plants (which she loves), took her to see the new Minecraft movie, she was throwing a fit and being a brat the whole day, then when we were standing in line to go to Chuck E. Cheese she made sarcastic comments towards me and I was just done. We turned around and left.

I recognize a lot of this is also from watching YouTube (which her dad lets her watch with zero limits, and I recognize the things she says are from YouTube videos) and her peer group. The kids in her class are extremely foul-mouthed and also spend huge amounts of time on TikTok and YouTube.

When we got home I told her there will be absolutely zero screens, zero buying things, zero playdates until her behavior changes. I drew up daily calendars for her that she will follow down to the minute. I signed her up for 2 afterschool classes per day so she can be around better peers with more attentive parents.

I know I probably went overboard but I am so frustrated. The more understanding and gentle I try to be, the worse she gets. I feel like I am living with Veruca Salt, nothing is ever good enough.

Children are born feral and it is the parents responsibility to teach them. If your child is a spoiled brat then the blame is on you and only you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you also need to get her out of that school she is attending.

+1

[Anonymous]

How long have you been divorced? Has she seen a counselor?

Other than that I agree with everyone else. Too much for one day, and you should have taken her home as soon as she acted up. Get her out of one of those after school classes, it's too much after a full day of school.

She needs consequences for her behavior. Immediate consequences, not a trip to Chuck E Cheese.

[Anonymous]

A kid like yours needs A LOT of calm, screen-free, outdoor time to detox from life at her dad’s house. Buying plants is good, but not the movie or Chuck E cheese.

Next time, you should spend the rest of the day actually planting the plants. Or throw on a light raincoat and go for a hike. Even if it takes you an hour to drive to a safe hikeable place, it’s okay. You can chat in the car or listen to music/audiobooks or let her stare out the window.

[Anonymous]

You're placing a lot of blame on everything else. Where you live, the other kids, the other parent, YouTube. You need to accept some of the blame. You said your kid was acting like a brat all day....why did you take her to a movie and then to an arcade?! If she was acting like a brat after the plants, you go home.

And she needs to be bored. Kids need to be bored. They need to learn how to entertain themselves. Do arts and crafts, Legos , puzzles, board games....throw an at home movie day. Bake or do fun recipes. Go online and find activities to do at home with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A kid like yours needs A LOT of calm, screen-free, outdoor time to detox from life at her dad’s house. Buying plants is good, but not the movie or Chuck E cheese.

Next time, you should spend the rest of the day actually planting the plants. Or throw on a light raincoat and go for a hike. Even if it takes you an hour to drive to a safe hikeable place, it’s okay. You can chat in the car or listen to music/audiobooks or let her stare out the window.

ETA. Your new “ultimatum” regime seems too far in the opposite direction. I would suggest:

- Only schedule the afternoon classes if it’s to replace screen time. Otherwise, keep that time unstructured and if needed, spend it with her to help her figure out ways to spend it productively without screens
- Instead of a full screen ban, show her how to use them in a positive way. So instead of YouTube or TikTok, watch a movie together to relax after a full day of outdoor/physical time

[Anonymous]

“ I have ignored her bad behavior “

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Ugh, it sounds like you do too much so she expects more, more, more. Try less, OP. One activity per day, not four.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the screens and too much stuff going on. 3 activities in a weekend day? You are clearly trying to make up for the divorce. Do some crafts at home, read books together etc.

I have an 8yo daughter and we often have 2-3 things going on. I have 3 kids though so the 8yo may be going to sibling’s games.

I’m not sure why OP would take her kid to Chuck E Cheese.

I don’t think it is fair OP is making up for divorce. We know kids who are only children and parents fill the day more than kids with multiple siblings.

My 8yo is a dream. I never buy her random things. I try hard NOT to spoil her.

[Anonymous]

Pp here.. my post probably wasn’t helpful. I would try doing things together. I baked with my 8yo together, rode bikes, did a little math, went to a birthday party. There was no yelling, no getting upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're placing a lot of blame on everything else. Where you live, the other kids, the other parent, YouTube. You need to accept some of the blame. You said your kid was acting like a brat all day....why did you take her to a movie and then to an arcade?! If she was acting like a brat after the plants, you go home.

And she needs to be bored. Kids need to be bored. They need to learn how to entertain themselves. Do arts and crafts, Legos , puzzles, board games....throw an at home movie day. Bake or do fun recipes. Go online and find activities to do at home with your kid.

Yeah, I’m not sure why OP is blaming everyone else. I would say divorce may be partly to blame for bad behavior.

I often think bad girl behavior comes from the mother or an older sister or both. They learn from your behavior.

[Anonymous]

Please be kind to your child. Divorce is hard on a child and this trauma can result in behavioral issues.

Is she the only child? How is her life with her father? Do you think therapy will help you both?

[Anonymous]

I think that you could benefit from a parenting class about how to best support children of divorce. Perhaps you could find one online. She sounds like she’s really struggling with a lot of emotions and hounded helpin helping her. Focus on one behavior at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that you could benefit from a parenting class about how to best support children of divorce. Perhaps you could find one online. She sounds like she’s really struggling with a lot of emotions and hounded helpin helping her. Focus on one behavior at a time.

Yeah, this seems like a lot of pent up frustration. It is probably less about being actually spoiled.

We know some teen girls who are spoiled divorced kids and that doesn’t turn out well either. They are always the first to have a phone.

[Anonymous]

I really don't think it's environmental: screens or divorce, or whatever else people always like to point to.

My kids are terminally online and are very calm people. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times (combined) they've had tantrums in their lives - and they're 19 and 14.

Personality and volatility are mostly determined by genetic predisposition, so look to the parents. Were any of you volatile? Could you have been but were disciplined so much you were controlled by fear instead?

Impulsivity and anger like this is are red flags for hyperactive ADHD and anxiety. A neurotypical 9 year old does not have full blown tantrums like this, OP. You should have your daughter evaluated by a psychologist, because if she has ADHD, anxiety, or something else that's diagnosable, it's not going to go away by itself. It will need a specific parental approach, and quite likely therapy and medication.