My 8yo DD has become a spoiled brat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's environmental: screens or divorce, or whatever else people always like to point to.

My kids are terminally online and are very calm people. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times (combined) they've had tantrums in their lives - and they're 19 and 14.

Personality and volatility are mostly determined by genetic predisposition, so look to the parents. Were any of you volatile? Could you have been but were disciplined so much you were controlled by fear instead?

Impulsivity and anger like this is are red flags for hyperactive ADHD and anxiety. A neurotypical 9 year old does not have full blown tantrums like this, OP. You should have your daughter evaluated by a psychologist, because if she has ADHD, anxiety, or something else that's diagnosable, it's not going to go away by itself. It will need a specific parental approach, and quite likely therapy and medication.

Me again. I would also like to point out that adults are most likely to divorce if there are mental health issues in the relationship, theirs or their spouse's. So if OP's husband is impulsive and prone to anger, and they got divorced, etc, then OP's child exhibits the same psychological profile... it's not because they divorced that's she like this. It's because she inherited these personality traits from her father.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I always find it so distressing when I try to do something nice for my kids and it ends up backfiring. Like you give and you give and you give for nothing. DH is a lot stricter than I am and the kids don't pull the same stunts with him, so I have learned to set better boundaries and also not bear the burden of their feelings. I think some parenting training or counseling would be helpful. I find it most stressful when the kids do something and I have no clue how to respond. So just to have guidance about what to do, even if it's not a magic bullet, will take away some of that second guessing.

We also used to do 123 magic with early elementary age, and it was very helpful. It won't prevent the meltdowns/bratty behavior, but it makes family life smoother. It has been several years - they are now teens/preteens, but it is still - come up for dinner - "Yes mom!" - Time to set the table "yes mom!" - Can you go walk the dog "Yes mom!" It is just kind of automatic and we don't have to deal with grumbling, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, don’t understand all the activities on a weekend. Whatever happened to we will clean up the house until noon and then, head to the park or a hike for a few hours. Your job is not to entertain your child on the weekend. Instead, allow them to play, have a friend over and do their homework.

We do spend the morning cleaning and hanging out, although there’s not much to clean since it’s just us. By noon she’s complaining she’s bored.

We live in a really bad area in the middle of nowhere, so parks aren’t always the best option. It’s not uncommon for there to be homeless people, people using drugs, armed robbery, etc. So we usually try to go places that are safer.

Her school doesn’t give homework. We have play dates sometimes but her friends don’t always come from the best families. Like last time she went to play with a friend, the mom left the kids to go bail someone out of jail and brought him back to the house.

Unfortunately that’s just the reality of wheee we live.

Here's what me and my non spoiled 9 year old did this Saturday. Cleaned/did chores. Grocery store together. Came home, she had 1 hour of tv while I did the taxes. Then she whined at me that she was bored for 15 minutes until she wandered around and found a craft. She busied herself with various things for awhile, listened to an audio book, whined some more about being bored, found something else to do, then she and I played cards for awhile before dinner.

This cost Zero dollars (well, outside groceries). And YES she was bored. SHE FIGURED IT OUT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's environmental: screens or divorce, or whatever else people always like to point to.

My kids are terminally online and are very calm people. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times (combined) they've had tantrums in their lives - and they're 19 and 14.

Personality and volatility are mostly determined by genetic predisposition, so look to the parents. Were any of you volatile? Could you have been but were disciplined so much you were controlled by fear instead?

Impulsivity and anger like this is are red flags for hyperactive ADHD and anxiety. A neurotypical 9 year old does not have full blown tantrums like this, OP. You should have your daughter evaluated by a psychologist, because if she has ADHD, anxiety, or something else that's diagnosable, it's not going to go away by itself. It will need a specific parental approach, and quite likely therapy and medication.

You’re a moron. You’d rather medicate kids than improve their lifestyle? No wonder you raised screen-addicted dummies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD will be 9 in May. She’s gotten progressively worse over the last 2 years, constantly angry and upset, lashing out, making sarcastic comments. We can have a great day of going to the movies, the arcade, dinner, and I’ll say no to buying one toy and she goes into a full meltdown crying, yelling, screaming it’s the worst day ever and she wishes I weren’t her mom.

Her dad and I are divorced and I understand she has a lot of emotion and struggle with that. I have tried to be patient. For years I have let her express her emotions and tried to be patient. I have ignored her bad behavior and tried to reinforce the good, pleasant behavior. I listen when she needs to talk but she just gets more and more angry when I listen and will start bringing up things from 2-3 years ago.

I finally snapped today. I took her to buy plants (which she loves), took her to see the new Minecraft movie, she was throwing a fit and being a brat the whole day, then when we were standing in line to go to Chuck E. Cheese she made sarcastic comments towards me and I was just done. We turned around and left.

I recognize a lot of this is also from watching YouTube (which her dad lets her watch with zero limits, and I recognize the things she says are from YouTube videos) and her peer group. The kids in her class are extremely foul-mouthed and also spend huge amounts of time on TikTok and YouTube.

When we got home I told her there will be absolutely zero screens, zero buying things, zero playdates until her behavior changes. I drew up daily calendars for her that she will follow down to the minute. I signed her up for 2 afterschool classes per day so she can be around better peers with more attentive parents.

I know I probably went overboard but I am so frustrated. The more understanding and gentle I try to be, the worse she gets. I feel like I am living with Veruca Salt, nothing is ever good enough.

She needs more down time. This is frankly crazy. Shopping, movie, Chuck E Cheese in one day? I'm exhausted just reading about all of this.

And now you're making it worse by trying to DO MORE to correct the problem. Two classes per afternoon? A daily schedule to follow down to the minute? (???) I think this is going to make things worse. She's only 8. I get you're frustrated, but she sounds entirely overstimulated, and now you're over-scheduling her to make up for it. Can the two of you just...hang out? Not do a million activities or classes? Talk? Read? Have a play date with a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD will be 9 in May. She’s gotten progressively worse over the last 2 years, constantly angry and upset, lashing out, making sarcastic comments. We can have a great day of going to the movies, the arcade, dinner, and I’ll say no to buying one toy and she goes into a full meltdown crying, yelling, screaming it’s the worst day ever and she wishes I weren’t her mom.

Her dad and I are divorced and I understand she has a lot of emotion and struggle with that. I have tried to be patient. For years I have let her express her emotions and tried to be patient. I have ignored her bad behavior and tried to reinforce the good, pleasant behavior. I listen when she needs to talk but she just gets more and more angry when I listen and will start bringing up things from 2-3 years ago.

I finally snapped today. I took her to buy plants (which she loves), took her to see the new Minecraft movie, she was throwing a fit and being a brat the whole day, then when we were standing in line to go to Chuck E. Cheese she made sarcastic comments towards me and I was just done. We turned around and left.

I recognize a lot of this is also from watching YouTube (which her dad lets her watch with zero limits, and I recognize the things she says are from YouTube videos) and her peer group. The kids in her class are extremely foul-mouthed and also spend huge amounts of time on TikTok and YouTube.

When we got home I told her there will be absolutely zero screens, zero buying things, zero playdates until her behavior changes. I drew up daily calendars for her that she will follow down to the minute. I signed her up for 2 afterschool classes per day so she can be around better peers with more attentive parents.

I know I probably went overboard but I am so frustrated. The more understanding and gentle I try to be, the worse she gets. I feel like I am living with Veruca Salt, nothing is ever good enough.

She needs more down time. This is frankly crazy. Shopping, movie, Chuck E Cheese in one day? I'm exhausted just reading about all of this.

And now you're making it worse by trying to DO MORE to correct the problem. Two classes per afternoon? A daily schedule to follow down to the minute? (???) I think this is going to make things worse. She's only 8. I get you're frustrated, but she sounds entirely overstimulated, and now you're over-scheduling her to make up for it. Can the two of you just...hang out? Not do a million activities or classes? Talk? Read? Have a play date with a friend?

Yep. This is nuts.

[Anonymous]

I thought i had written the first paragraph myself. We arent divorced but my 8year old DD is very similar.

A lot is personality. A lot.

My 4 year old DD has been raised exactly the same and is chill, respectful and mature.

FWIW my DD8 was just diagnosed with ADHD and ASD level one (we were shocked as she is top of her grade academically and has friends). But a lot of her rudeness was due to her inability to continue to mask her ASD as she for older.

[Anonymous]

No one here is commenting that this kid bailed someone out of jail while at a playdate? Wild.

[Anonymous]

I’m doing a lot of reading between the lines, but it seems like you don’t have template for a good, stable relationship. You are surrounded by people who live fairly chaotic lives. It sounds like you live kind of a chaotic life.

It would probably be good for you to go to therapy with you can and develop a good relationship with your therapist.
Barring that, read the stuff on this thread, watch Family Ties and the like, and try to emulate it. This really is how a lot of people live most of their lives. It’s just kind of boring and pleasant.

[Anonymous]

NP agreeing with others that your daughter is completely overstimulated and needs a lot more downtime. Buy some good books or visit the library. Nobody can be bored with books around.

[Anonymous]

At 8 years old, this is a you (and your ex) problem - not the kid. You two need to parent together even if you are not married anymore. This means consistent rules and behavior expectations, as well as disciplining.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you have absolutely no idea how to spend quality time with a child OP. It hasn’t nothing to do with leaving the house for spending money.

It sounds like this poor child is completely devoid of true parental connection to either parent. Spend actual real time with her instead of signing the poor thing up for more activities away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one here is commenting that this kid bailed someone out of jail while at a playdate? Wild.

The kid didn't do it. The other mom at the playdate left the kids (presumably both 8) to go bail someone out of jail. Can you imagine as a mom hearing that at pick-up time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you have absolutely no idea how to spend quality time with a child OP. It hasn’t nothing to do with leaving the house for spending money.

It sounds like this poor child is completely devoid of true parental connection to either parent. Spend actual real time with her instead of signing the poor thing up for more activities away from you.

Sadly, this. OP, can we ask what your cultural background is? Maybe we can help you to understand how a child should be raised if we understood how you were raised.

[Anonymous]

When was the last time you played board games with her?