My 8yo DD has become a spoiled brat

[Anonymous]

DD will be 9 in May. She’s gotten progressively worse over the last 2 years, constantly angry and upset, lashing out, making sarcastic comments. We can have a great day of going to the movies, the arcade, dinner, and I’ll say no to buying one toy and she goes into a full meltdown crying, yelling, screaming it’s the worst day ever and she wishes I weren’t her mom.

Her dad and I are divorced and I understand she has a lot of emotion and struggle with that. I have tried to be patient. For years I have let her express her emotions and tried to be patient. I have ignored her bad behavior and tried to reinforce the good, pleasant behavior. I listen when she needs to talk but she just gets more and more angry when I listen and will start bringing up things from 2-3 years ago.

I finally snapped today. I took her to buy plants (which she loves), took her to see the new Minecraft movie, she was throwing a fit and being a brat the whole day, then when we were standing in line to go to Chuck E. Cheese she made sarcastic comments towards me and I was just done. We turned around and left.

I recognize a lot of this is also from watching YouTube (which her dad lets her watch with zero limits, and I recognize the things she says are from YouTube videos) and her peer group. The kids in her class are extremely foul-mouthed and also spend huge amounts of time on TikTok and YouTube.

When we got home I told her there will be absolutely zero screens, zero buying things, zero playdates until her behavior changes. I drew up daily calendars for her that she will follow down to the minute. I signed her up for 2 afterschool classes per day so she can be around better peers with more attentive parents.

I know I probably went overboard but I am so frustrated. The more understanding and gentle I try to be, the worse she gets. I feel like I am living with Veruca Salt, nothing is ever good enough.

[Anonymous]

First, the day you had sounds horrible for anyone, buying plants, going to the movies and she was being a brat so you decided to take her to Chuck E. Cheese? That is a lot of stimulation in one day. Stop blaming her dad. You both are her parents. She is old enough to understand consequences. What are the consequences when she acts the way that she does?

[Anonymous]

It's the screens and too much stuff going on. 3 activities in a weekend day? You are clearly trying to make up for the divorce. Do some crafts at home, read books together etc.

[Anonymous]

She needs consequences for her actions. You both feel guilty for getting divorced and are also probably both trying to be the fun parent.
Talk to your spouse about behavior and consequences and what you need to do to turn this around.
Any kinda screaming/crying from a 9yo should result in immediate removal from wherever you are and loss of phone/screen privileges.
If she has screens make her earn them. They’re a privilege not a right.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you also need to get her out of that school she is attending.

[Anonymous]

She is spoiled as you spoil her and don't say no. This is your parenting. Stop blaming dad as it sounds like you have custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD will be 9 in May. She’s gotten progressively worse over the last 2 years, constantly angry and upset, lashing out, making sarcastic comments. We can have a great day of going to the movies, the arcade, dinner, and I’ll say no to buying one toy and she goes into a full meltdown crying, yelling, screaming it’s the worst day ever and she wishes I weren’t her mom.

Her dad and I are divorced and I understand she has a lot of emotion and struggle with that. I have tried to be patient. For years I have let her express her emotions and tried to be patient. I have ignored her bad behavior and tried to reinforce the good, pleasant behavior. I listen when she needs to talk but she just gets more and more angry when I listen and will start bringing up things from 2-3 years ago.

I finally snapped today. I took her to buy plants (which she loves), took her to see the new Minecraft movie, she was throwing a fit and being a brat the whole day, then when we were standing in line to go to Chuck E. Cheese she made sarcastic comments towards me and I was just done. We turned around and left.

I recognize a lot of this is also from watching YouTube (which her dad lets her watch with zero limits, and I recognize the things she says are from YouTube videos) and her peer group. The kids in her class are extremely foul-mouthed and also spend huge amounts of time on TikTok and YouTube.

When we got home I told her there will be absolutely zero screens, zero buying things, zero playdates until her behavior changes. I drew up daily calendars for her that she will follow down to the minute. I signed her up for 2 afterschool classes per day so she can be around better peers with more attentive parents.

I know I probably went overboard but I am so frustrated. The more understanding and gentle I try to be, the worse she gets. I feel like I am living with Veruca Salt, nothing is ever good enough.

This cannot be for real. Two afternooon classes per day - she's exhausted. Shopping, movie and chuckie cheese... this is all on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, the day you had sounds horrible for anyone, buying plants, going to the movies and she was being a brat so you decided to take her to Chuck E. Cheese? That is a lot of stimulation in one day. Stop blaming her dad. You both are her parents. She is old enough to understand consequences. What are the consequences when she acts the way that she does?

+1

I agree with this and another post which said something similar.

It is a lot for one day. She was overstimulated and you may be spoiling her a bit. My kids would get one warning and then we would leave. No screen time when we get home obviously (and screen time should always be limited and earned at this age). And I would outline clear behavioral expectations for future fun outings (once you follow through, she will know she can no longer get away with it).

All in all, this is not a huge deal. Normal bratty behavior that most kids will try to pull at this age- you just need to set limits going forward. Time to stop feeling guilty about the divorce and be careful not to spoil. It isn’t her dad’s fault or her peers etc…this is normal kid stuff.

[Anonymous]

If she was being a brat I would’ve taken her home immediately and left her in her room with books until dinner or an apology, whichever came first. I wouldn’t have taken her to Chuck E. Cheese.

[Anonymous]

Why are you acting like "Daddy Disney"? Why are you constantly taking her to do fun things centered around her? Plants, movie, AND Chuckee Cheese all in one day? Movie arcade AND dinner all in one day?

OP, pace yourself! You are really feeding into her sense of entitlement. I can't even tell you how many hours I spent following my dad around hardware stores being bored on weekends, and rushing through the chore list my mom drew up so I could go read or dance around to music as a kid. The household did not revolve around me and/or my brother.

You've ignored bad behavior for years, but now are blaming screens and her dad and her school - everyone but your own parenting. You have dropped the ball. You need to change your parenting. Tell her that from now on no screens while at your house and that it's not a punishment but a technique to help her have better behavior and this is not up for debate. In addition, from now on she has to earn going to do fun things by having good behavior - no whining, no fits, being helpful and pleasant, etc.

Give her less, so she can appreciate more.

[Anonymous]

I, too, don’t understand all the activities on a weekend. Whatever happened to we will clean up the house until noon and then, head to the park or a hike for a few hours. Your job is not to entertain your child on the weekend. Instead, allow them to play, have a friend over and do their homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD will be 9 in May. She’s gotten progressively worse over the last 2 years, constantly angry and upset, lashing out, making sarcastic comments. We can have a great day of going to the movies, the arcade, dinner, and I’ll say no to buying one toy and she goes into a full meltdown crying, yelling, screaming it’s the worst day ever and she wishes I weren’t her mom.

Her dad and I are divorced and I understand she has a lot of emotion and struggle with that. I have tried to be patient. For years I have let her express her emotions and tried to be patient. I have ignored her bad behavior and tried to reinforce the good, pleasant behavior. I listen when she needs to talk but she just gets more and more angry when I listen and will start bringing up things from 2-3 years ago.

I finally snapped today. I took her to buy plants (which she loves), took her to see the new Minecraft movie, she was throwing a fit and being a brat the whole day, then when we were standing in line to go to Chuck E. Cheese she made sarcastic comments towards me and I was just done. We turned around and left.

I recognize a lot of this is also from watching YouTube (which her dad lets her watch with zero limits, and I recognize the things she says are from YouTube videos) and her peer group. The kids in her class are extremely foul-mouthed and also spend huge amounts of time on TikTok and YouTube.

When we got home I told her there will be absolutely zero screens, zero buying things, zero playdates until her behavior changes. I drew up daily calendars for her that she will follow down to the minute. I signed her up for 2 afterschool classes per day so she can be around better peers with more attentive parents.

I know I probably went overboard but I am so frustrated. The more understanding and gentle I try to be, the worse she gets. I feel like I am living with Veruca Salt, nothing is ever good enough.

It’s just that modern parenting advice is bad. Catering to our kids makes them miserable and entitled and empathizing with every feeling just teaches them that their feelings are always the most important thing.

It’s a recipe for disaster.

Acknowledge to her that you were on the wrong track and that things will be changing. ADHD Dude has great scripts for this on “stepping into your parental authority.”

[Anonymous]

You set her up for failure.

And 9yr old at Chuck e cheese? Try Dave & Busters next time. Fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, too, don’t understand all the activities on a weekend. Whatever happened to we will clean up the house until noon and then, head to the park or a hike for a few hours. Your job is not to entertain your child on the weekend. Instead, allow them to play, have a friend over and do their homework.

We do spend the morning cleaning and hanging out, although there’s not much to clean since it’s just us. By noon she’s complaining she’s bored.

We live in a really bad area in the middle of nowhere, so parks aren’t always the best option. It’s not uncommon for there to be homeless people, people using drugs, armed robbery, etc. So we usually try to go places that are safer.

Her school doesn’t give homework. We have play dates sometimes but her friends don’t always come from the best families. Like last time she went to play with a friend, the mom left the kids to go bail someone out of jail and brought him back to the house.

Unfortunately that’s just the reality of wheee we live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, don’t understand all the activities on a weekend. Whatever happened to we will clean up the house until noon and then, head to the park or a hike for a few hours. Your job is not to entertain your child on the weekend. Instead, allow them to play, have a friend over and do their homework.

We do spend the morning cleaning and hanging out, although there’s not much to clean since it’s just us. By noon she’s complaining she’s bored.

We live in a really bad area in the middle of nowhere, so parks aren’t always the best option. It’s not uncommon for there to be homeless people, people using drugs, armed robbery, etc. So we usually try to go places that are safer.

Her school doesn’t give homework. We have play dates sometimes but her friends don’t always come from the best families. Like last time she went to play with a friend, the mom left the kids to go bail someone out of jail and brought him back to the house.

Unfortunately that’s just the reality of wheee we live.

You have to let her be bored. Even if she complains and whines. She has to learn how to entertain herself. My DD9 has spent the morning reading and making friendship bracelets. When she’s not at play dates or activities she likes to bake, do her nails, do arts and crafts like making slime, do legos, etc.