Why is my husband so nasty to me when I get sick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on whether this is just part of a larger pattern and whether he can discuss it honestly when you tell him it hurts your feelings.

My xDH did/does this. It’s like he specifically amps up the nastiness at the moment I am most vulnerable. He also does it to our child. He appears to have a total inability to support others when they need him. After years of taking my sick kid to the doctor or ER in an uber by myself and being the only parent caring for our child when sick, you can imagine how our relationship deteriorated.

Part of the issue is plain selfishness and lack of empathy. But another part is being affirmatively triggered into hostility when he saw us sick. If I had to guess, I would say it was part of his overall inability to deal with any sort of demand or conflict - he saw a sick family member as making a demand on him and it made him angry.

My exDH was also like this. Even his hangovers - he was once so hungover after a wedding about 45-60 min away (I stayed back in the hotel room with our toddler after the ceremony) that he refused to wake up in time to leave for another commitment that morning. I also developed pink eye overnight and had to drive like that in my glasses b/c he was too drunk/hungover to drive back. Then he slept til dinner time. He was like that when sick, too. Of course, if I even touched my stomach b/c it hurt, he'd yell at me.

The worst part in all this is now seeing how it's bled onto DC. He has told them outright they don't have an illness when they do and now DC feel compelled to always be "healthy" around him. There is no other option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on whether this is just part of a larger pattern and whether he can discuss it honestly when you tell him it hurts your feelings.

My xDH did/does this. It’s like he specifically amps up the nastiness at the moment I am most vulnerable. He also does it to our child. He appears to have a total inability to support others when they need him. After years of taking my sick kid to the doctor or ER in an uber by myself and being the only parent caring for our child when sick, you can imagine how our relationship deteriorated.

Part of the issue is plain selfishness and lack of empathy. But another part is being affirmatively triggered into hostility when he saw us sick. If I had to guess, I would say it was part of his overall inability to deal with any sort of demand or conflict - he saw a sick family member as making a demand on him and it made him angry.

My boyfriend is this way too. You phrased it perfectly. Why the hell are some people so screwed up? Their lives are so much harder as a result, so it's stupid as a coping mechanism.

Why is he still your boyfriend?!?! You could be free!

[Anonymous]

My ex wife was like OP's husband. I did a lot around the house and worked much harder outside the house. Glad we are done.

[Anonymous]

Who will take care of all his needs and wants when you're sick? Waah!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been going on for 10 years. When I get sick he gets very upset that I’m not running around like my normal self. A few months ago I had the flu with a 103 fever and he was so irritated.

I don’t ask for anything when I’m sick. But he’s constantly asking what my problem is, making comments like “you’re allegedly sick,” etc.

I just caught whatever he recovered from. When he was sick I brought him meds, fluids, took care of the kids and house. Now the at I’m in the same boat he’s angry. It’s like he only keeps me around to do dishes and laundry and when I can’t do that, it’s like a personal attack on him.

This deeply affects the way I think about our marriage. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he says I’m not doing enough to get better. I mean, I take medicine, hydrate, rest. Idk what else I’m supposed to be doing.

Well, express how you feel and ask him how he feels about it. Clear and kind communication can solve 50% of every couple's marital problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:anxiety/ childhood trauma involving illness

Most likely. He needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is a fair weather spouse. I had to call out this double standard and set hard boundaries early in my marriage about this as well. My husband improved, but only because I am not a doormat.

He’ll still leave you if you ever get really sick, you realize that right?

He’s masking so he doesn’t lose his bangmaid, but the moment you actually need help, he’ll be the person he’s always been.

[Anonymous]

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll

Are you calling all the women reporting similar behavior in this thread trolls, or just the initial poster?

[Anonymous]

Because, OP, you are there to be his nursemaid, not the other way around. Sounds like he's upset his bangmaid is sick.

[Anonymous]

How are all other parts of the marriage? Is he ever caring, doing house chores? Cooking, cleaning, helping with the kids? Is he ever kind?

[Anonymous]

OP is clearly another troll, like the one with a horrible DH in a recent thread. Posts and then disappears.

[Anonymous]

I reported to Jeff. if you see this thread disappear, it is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on whether this is just part of a larger pattern and whether he can discuss it honestly when you tell him it hurts your feelings.

My xDH did/does this. It’s like he specifically amps up the nastiness at the moment I am most vulnerable. He also does it to our child. He appears to have a total inability to support others when they need him. After years of taking my sick kid to the doctor or ER in an uber by myself and being the only parent caring for our child when sick, you can imagine how our relationship deteriorated.

Part of the issue is plain selfishness and lack of empathy. But another part is being affirmatively triggered into hostility when he saw us sick. If I had to guess, I would say it was part of his overall inability to deal with any sort of demand or conflict - he saw a sick family member as making a demand on him and it made him angry.

My boyfriend is this way too. You phrased it perfectly. Why the hell are some people so screwed up? Their lives are so much harder as a result, so it's stupid as a coping mechanism.

Why is he still your boyfriend?!?! You could be free!

Because his companionship is still better than no companionship, and it's slim pickins out there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been going on for 10 years. When I get sick he gets very upset that I’m not running around like my normal self. A few months ago I had the flu with a 103 fever and he was so irritated.

I don’t ask for anything when I’m sick. But he’s constantly asking what my problem is, making comments like “you’re allegedly sick,” etc.

I just caught whatever he recovered from. When he was sick I brought him meds, fluids, took care of the kids and house. Now the at I’m in the same boat he’s angry. It’s like he only keeps me around to do dishes and laundry and when I can’t do that, it’s like a personal attack on him.

This deeply affects the way I think about our marriage. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he says I’m not doing enough to get better. I mean, I take medicine, hydrate, rest. Idk what else I’m supposed to be doing.

This is very, very common when people have a narcissistic personality disorder. They literally cannot handle when their partner is sick.