Why is my husband so nasty to me when I get sick?

[Anonymous]

This is bad. Men are much more likely to leave their spouses if they get a chronic illness. You really need to be able to talk about this dynamic in an open and honest way. I think he could still change if he realized what he was doing. If he won’t respond to a real conversation with you about this (except blaming you for not getting better faster), then you should engage a marriage counselor to help facilitate that conversation.

From the sounds of it, he will not be a reliable partner as you age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been going on for 10 years. When I get sick he gets very upset that I’m not running around like my normal self. A few months ago I had the flu with a 103 fever and he was so irritated.

I don’t ask for anything when I’m sick. But he’s constantly asking what my problem is, making comments like “you’re allegedly sick,” etc.

I just caught whatever he recovered from. When he was sick I brought him meds, fluids, took care of the kids and house. Now the at I’m in the same boat he’s angry. It’s like he only keeps me around to do dishes and laundry and when I can’t do that, it’s like a personal attack on him.

This deeply affects the way I think about our marriage. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he says I’m not doing enough to get better. I mean, I take medicine, hydrate, rest. Idk what else I’m supposed to be doing.

Because he doesn't love you as a person, he loves you as a WIFE. When you're not providing wifely services, he is angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is bad. Men are much more likely to leave their spouses if they get a chronic illness. You really need to be able to talk about this dynamic in an open and honest way. I think he could still change if he realized what he was doing. If he won’t respond to a real conversation with you about this (except blaming you for not getting better faster), then you should engage a marriage counselor to help facilitate that conversation.

From the sounds of it, he will not be a reliable partner as you age.

This is very good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this. In his head, there’s only two possibilities: either I’m functioning at 100% or I should go to the hospital. From a man who wouldn’t go to a doctor if he was bleeding from his orifices, but will take to his bed for a hangnail.

And yes, he has a ton of unresolved childhood trauma revolving around medical emergencies. You have my sympathies.

Eww

[Anonymous]

If tell him to F off. I have a fever and am sick. I am allowed to be sick too. I’m sorry you have to run the house for a couple days but I did it for you. It’s your turn to step up. Then isolate away from them and ignore.

[Anonymous]

I’d leave ahead of him leaving you, because he will. I spent 20 years like this. When the worst year of my life happened (relocation, death of mother, work issues), he went and had an affair and made it “my fault” because I had mental health issues. Glad he can sleep at night with her because I still can’t breathe.

[Anonymous]

Depends on whether this is just part of a larger pattern and whether he can discuss it honestly when you tell him it hurts your feelings.

My xDH did/does this. It’s like he specifically amps up the nastiness at the moment I am most vulnerable. He also does it to our child. He appears to have a total inability to support others when they need him. After years of taking my sick kid to the doctor or ER in an uber by myself and being the only parent caring for our child when sick, you can imagine how our relationship deteriorated.

Part of the issue is plain selfishness and lack of empathy. But another part is being affirmatively triggered into hostility when he saw us sick. If I had to guess, I would say it was part of his overall inability to deal with any sort of demand or conflict - he saw a sick family member as making a demand on him and it made him angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d leave ahead of him leaving you, because he will. I spent 20 years like this. When the worst year of my life happened (relocation, death of mother, work issues), he went and had an affair and made it “my fault” because I had mental health issues. Glad he can sleep at night with her because I still can’t breathe.

you’re better off without him hun!

[Anonymous]

Stunted/lack of emotional and social maturity.

[Anonymous]

OP there was a thread on the parenting forum (I think) a while back about some mom feeling annoyed when her family is sick. Basically it was because her mom treated her that way when she was a child. I had a similar experience and I have to control the annoyance I feel when my kids or husband get sick. So to answer your question, look into his childhood.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a real ahole. Sorry you have to deal with him when you are sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP there was a thread on the parenting forum (I think) a while back about some mom feeling annoyed when her family is sick. Basically it was because her mom treated her that way when she was a child. I had a similar experience and I have to control the annoyance I feel when my kids or husband get sick. So to answer your question, look into his childhood.

Yeah, with my husband, it’s that he exaggerates his own sicknesses because he generally works himself to death and sickness is a guilt-free reason to give himself the self-care he ordinarily denies himself. And from his childhood experiences, he has an underlying assumption that when a woman gets sick she dies. You put those two together and his man-math works out that either I’m faking how sick I am or I’m going to die. Yes, he’s in therapy. No, it isn’t helping ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP there was a thread on the parenting forum (I think) a while back about some mom feeling annoyed when her family is sick. Basically it was because her mom treated her that way when she was a child. I had a similar experience and I have to control the annoyance I feel when my kids or husband get sick. So to answer your question, look into his childhood.

np.. sigh.. this explains my own life and reactions so much. I have had to learn to be a better parent over the course of 20 years. I cringe when I think about some of the way I parented when the kids were younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there was a thread on the parenting forum (I think) a while back about some mom feeling annoyed when her family is sick. Basically it was because her mom treated her that way when she was a child. I had a similar experience and I have to control the annoyance I feel when my kids or husband get sick. So to answer your question, look into his childhood.

np.. sigh.. this explains my own life and reactions so much. I have had to learn to be a better parent over the course of 20 years. I cringe when I think about some of the way I parented when the kids were younger.

I'm going through a divorce so I've been doing a lot of reading, and one exercise that really stood out to me was to imagine if you had been properly parented by healthy and whole people. And imagine if your parents had been parented by healthy and whole people, and so on. Since I'm divorcing, I applied it to my STBX too, since I am lucky that I was parented pretty well. It really helps me to have compassion for myself and my parents and my ex. I hope you can have compassion for yourself too. <3

[Anonymous]

Write down everything you did for him while he's sick and give it to him and say that you expect the same care back.