Why is my husband so nasty to me when I get sick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there was a thread on the parenting forum (I think) a while back about some mom feeling annoyed when her family is sick. Basically it was because her mom treated her that way when she was a child. I had a similar experience and I have to control the annoyance I feel when my kids or husband get sick. So to answer your question, look into his childhood.

np.. sigh.. this explains my own life and reactions so much. I have had to learn to be a better parent over the course of 20 years. I cringe when I think about some of the way I parented when the kids were younger.

I'm going through a divorce so I've been doing a lot of reading, and one exercise that really stood out to me was to imagine if you had been properly parented by healthy and whole people. And imagine if your parents had been parented by healthy and whole people, and so on. Since I'm divorcing, I applied it to my STBX too, since I am lucky that I was parented pretty well. It really helps me to have compassion for myself and my parents and my ex. I hope you can have compassion for yourself too. <3

And to be clear, this advice is NOT for someone whose spouse is being a total a-hole to a sick person. You don't need to do compassion exercises while you're convalescing and being emotionally abused. If you are an in emotionally unhealthy relationship, then you need to put on your oxygen mask and focus on yourself until you have solid boundaries and supports in place, or until you leave. After that, you can worry about viewing the unhealthy person with compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would divorce over this. This is the guy who leaves you when you get cancer.

+10000 op how can you trust this guy?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was similar and it took some time/energy to figure out but he was triggered him based on bad history with his mother. Once he figured that out his behavior totally shifted. Absent something like that, your DH’s behavior is not cool.

Do you mind sharing what exactly your DH uncovered with the history with mother that related to this behavior? I’m very curious and have had similar experiences as OP

[Anonymous]

Weird.

I’m definitely not nasty to my DH when he is sick, but I am usually not very sympathetic at all. Mine exaggerates, whines, and always pretends to be sicker than he is, sicker than all of the rest of us of course! It is extremely annoying and I have to force myself at times to be reasonably nice during this. God forbid my DH ever develops an actual health issue…

I doubt this is the case with you though…usually seems to be more of a guy thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on whether this is just part of a larger pattern and whether he can discuss it honestly when you tell him it hurts your feelings.

My xDH did/does this. It’s like he specifically amps up the nastiness at the moment I am most vulnerable. He also does it to our child. He appears to have a total inability to support others when they need him. After years of taking my sick kid to the doctor or ER in an uber by myself and being the only parent caring for our child when sick, you can imagine how our relationship deteriorated.

Part of the issue is plain selfishness and lack of empathy. But another part is being affirmatively triggered into hostility when he saw us sick. If I had to guess, I would say it was part of his overall inability to deal with any sort of demand or conflict - he saw a sick family member as making a demand on him and it made him angry.

My boyfriend is this way too. You phrased it perfectly. Why the hell are some people so screwed up? Their lives are so much harder as a result, so it's stupid as a coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

My STBX was like this. He left me (and had an affair) when I developed a chronic illness and sadly doesn’t take proper care of our child with a chronic illness when she is under his care.

[Anonymous]

Well, for one thing, you should stop taking care of him while he's sick. That's how you catch whatever he has! Why are you sacrificing your own health when he clearly doesn't appreciate it?

Next time he gets sick, distance yourself. Sleep in another room. Take the kids out for dinner and let him fend for himself. If he complains? "Honey, I know it bothers you when I get sick. I'm just trying to make sure that doesn't happen."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would divorce over this. This is the guy who leaves you when you get cancer.

Sorry to say this, but he doesn't actually like you.

[Anonymous]

What f**kface. Are you bring a doormat, OP? Why do you tolerate it? Have you told him it’s impacting the way you see your marriage? If my DH treated me like that when I had a high fever, I’d tell him to kindly F off.

[Anonymous]

Meant - what a f**kface.^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:anxiety/ childhood trauma involving illness

My guess was anxiety as well. It’s not always manifested in a nice way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Write down everything you did for him while he's sick and give it to him and say that you expect the same care back.

I would write the list but not make the demands. However the next time he says you aren’t doing enough, pull out the list and ask him why he has those expectations of you when you don’t have the support he had when sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:anxiety/ childhood trauma involving illness

My guess was anxiety as well. It’s not always manifested in a nice way.

Can we stop diagnosing everything as anxiety? Sometimes an assh*le is just an assh*le.

Don’t be a doormat OP. Ignore him when he’s sick. No more coddling.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't like you OP.

Start treating him exactly like he treats you. See if he likes it. Point out when he's being a jerk to you. Bring it to his attention. Above all stand up for yourself. You teach people how to treat you. If he treats you bad move on. Don't put up with it.

[Anonymous]

How is he otherwise?

This sounds pretty awful, tbh.