Why is my husband so nasty to me when I get sick?

[Anonymous]

This has been going on for 10 years. When I get sick he gets very upset that I’m not running around like my normal self. A few months ago I had the flu with a 103 fever and he was so irritated.

I don’t ask for anything when I’m sick. But he’s constantly asking what my problem is, making comments like “you’re allegedly sick,” etc.

I just caught whatever he recovered from. When he was sick I brought him meds, fluids, took care of the kids and house. Now the at I’m in the same boat he’s angry. It’s like he only keeps me around to do dishes and laundry and when I can’t do that, it’s like a personal attack on him.

This deeply affects the way I think about our marriage. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he says I’m not doing enough to get better. I mean, I take medicine, hydrate, rest. Idk what else I’m supposed to be doing.

[Anonymous]

Because he's an ahole and doesn't like that he has to take on any of the work that you can't do because you're sick.

[Anonymous]

I would divorce over this. This is the guy who leaves you when you get cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would divorce over this. This is the guy who leaves you when you get cancer.

+1 leave him ASAP before you get REALLY sick when you’re older and he leaves you high and dry for the next younger model. I’m sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DH here and have the same dynamic in the opposite direction. DW will accuse me of "man flu." I can be visibly shuddering with a fever and moaning in pain and she'll ask, "so, when will you be taking Larla to soccer?" We also have vastly different ways of handling possible contagion. When she's sick, I *want* her to disappear to the basement to keep the rest of us healthy. But she never seems to get as sick as any of the rest of us, so she doesn't view the risk the same.

That said, despite the facial similarity to your situation, I've never described it like this: <i>"It’s like he only keeps me around to do dishes and laundry and when I can’t do that, it’s like a personal attack on him. This deeply affects the way I think about our marriage."</i>

So that speaks to a potentially deeper issue. Are there other issues in your marriage and the way that you handle the work of running the family that are causing you to draw this conclusion?

And when he is sick, is turnabout fair play? Do you take care of him when he is sick because it's in your nature, or because he's asking for it? Could you treat him the same way he treats you, and if you did, would you feel any better about it?

[Anonymous]

I am related to a (now deceased) woman who could NOT handle death. Like, she passed out at funeral services, and when family would get together if talk turned toward the family cemetery plot she'd have to leave the room.

A friend of mine can't handle being scared or when people are sick, so she yells at them and says viscous things.

Maybe your husband's fear of your sickness leading to death comes out as anger. Yes, that's quite a leap.

During a healthy, calm time I'd tell him that the way he treats you is unacceptable and needs to change, or you will re-evaluate your marriage because that's just how serious this is. But you'd rather he change his attitude.

[Anonymous]

My husband was similar and it took some time/energy to figure out but he was triggered him based on bad history with his mother. Once he figured that out his behavior totally shifted. Absent something like that, your DH’s behavior is not cool.

[Anonymous]

Ughhh. Divorce.
He clearly lacks empathy.

[Anonymous]

I cannot get past that this has been going on for TEN YEARS! Why are you mad now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot get past that this has been going on for TEN YEARS! Why are you mad now?

That part.

[Anonymous]

He needs to stop blaming you and start questioning why there is such a double standard. This would make me think he is a Fair-weather spouse and not trust him.

[Anonymous]

anxiety/ childhood trauma involving illness

[Anonymous]

He is a fair weather spouse. I had to call out this double standard and set hard boundaries early in my marriage about this as well. My husband improved, but only because I am not a doormat.

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this. In his head, there’s only two possibilities: either I’m functioning at 100% or I should go to the hospital. From a man who wouldn’t go to a doctor if he was bleeding from his orifices, but will take to his bed for a hangnail.

And yes, he has a ton of unresolved childhood trauma revolving around medical emergencies. You have my sympathies.

[Anonymous]

He's nasty to you because it gets him what he wants . . . your labor and attention. If he had more self-awareness, empathy, and integrity, he wouldn't do this. But he doesn't. He functions like a child.

With a person like this, you look at their actions; you don't listen to their words, which are just nonsense to justify their manipulations.