Why is my husband so nasty to me when I get sick?

[Anonymous]

Because you become a burden. It’s clear that he doesn’t have any affection for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH here and have the same dynamic in the opposite direction. DW will accuse me of "man flu." I can be visibly shuddering with a fever and moaning in pain and she'll ask, "so, when will you be taking Larla to soccer?" We also have vastly different ways of handling possible contagion. When she's sick, I *want* her to disappear to the basement to keep the rest of us healthy. But she never seems to get as sick as any of the rest of us, so she doesn't view the risk the same.

That said, despite the facial similarity to your situation, I've never described it like this: <i>"It’s like he only keeps me around to do dishes and laundry and when I can’t do that, it’s like a personal attack on him. This deeply affects the way I think about our marriage."</i>

So that speaks to a potentially deeper issue. Are there other issues in your marriage and the way that you handle the work of running the family that are causing you to draw this conclusion?

And when he is sick, is turnabout fair play? Do you take care of him when he is sick because it's in your nature, or because he's asking for it? Could you treat him the same way he treats you, and if you did, would you feel any better about it?

This suggests a lot actually. Like she still does soccer when she is shaking with fever and you don’t notice because she “doesn’t get as sick as the rest of us”.
Food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on whether this is just part of a larger pattern and whether he can discuss it honestly when you tell him it hurts your feelings.

My xDH did/does this. It’s like he specifically amps up the nastiness at the moment I am most vulnerable. He also does it to our child. He appears to have a total inability to support others when they need him. After years of taking my sick kid to the doctor or ER in an uber by myself and being the only parent caring for our child when sick, you can imagine how our relationship deteriorated.

Part of the issue is plain selfishness and lack of empathy. But another part is being affirmatively triggered into hostility when he saw us sick. If I had to guess, I would say it was part of his overall inability to deal with any sort of demand or conflict - he saw a sick family member as making a demand on him and it made him angry.

My boyfriend is this way too. You phrased it perfectly. Why the hell are some people so screwed up? Their lives are so much harder as a result, so it's stupid as a coping mechanism.

Why is he still your boyfriend?!?! You could be free!

Because his companionship is still better than no companionship, and it's slim pickins out there!

Geezzz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH here and have the same dynamic in the opposite direction. DW will accuse me of "man flu." I can be visibly shuddering with a fever and moaning in pain and she'll ask, "so, when will you be taking Larla to soccer?" We also have vastly different ways of handling possible contagion. When she's sick, I *want* her to disappear to the basement to keep the rest of us healthy. But she never seems to get as sick as any of the rest of us, so she doesn't view the risk the same.

That said, despite the facial similarity to your situation, I've never described it like this: <i>"It’s like he only keeps me around to do dishes and laundry and when I can’t do that, it’s like a personal attack on him. This deeply affects the way I think about our marriage."</i>

So that speaks to a potentially deeper issue. Are there other issues in your marriage and the way that you handle the work of running the family that are causing you to draw this conclusion?

And when he is sick, is turnabout fair play? Do you take care of him when he is sick because it's in your nature, or because he's asking for it? Could you treat him the same way he treats you, and if you did, would you feel any better about it?

This suggests a lot actually. Like she still does soccer when she is shaking with fever and you don’t notice because she “doesn’t get as sick as the rest of us”.
Food for thought.

+1000

She probably IS just as sick as the rest of you.

Also he described “visibly shuddering with fever” and “moaning in pain” (massive eye roll) with sickness. That pretty much tells me he is a massive exaggerator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is a fair weather spouse. I had to call out this double standard and set hard boundaries early in my marriage about this as well. My husband improved, but only because I am not a doormat.

He’ll still leave you if you ever get really sick, you realize that right?

He’s masking so he doesn’t lose his bangmaid, but the moment you actually need help, he’ll be the person he’s always been.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm not that nice to my husband when he's sick. Every groan and moan irritate me.

Why? Because he has the exact same cold everyone else in our house has gotten. But i know from the first exaggerated sniffle that he's going to spend the next five days in bed. FIVE DAYS? Sometimes seven days.

I don't think he thinks he's faking. But as adults with kids and a house, etc., sometimes you have to get out of bed even when you have a stuffy nose. Crazy, I know.

I'm not talking about really bad colds or the flu or whatever. I mean literally a regular cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you become a burden. It’s clear that he doesn’t have any affection for you.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Did he have a parent die when he was young? Was a parent sick/depressed during his childhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not that nice to my husband when he's sick. Every groan and moan irritate me.

Why? Because he has the exact same cold everyone else in our house has gotten. But i know from the first exaggerated sniffle that he's going to spend the next five days in bed. FIVE DAYS? Sometimes seven days.

I don't think he thinks he's faking. But as adults with kids and a house, etc., sometimes you have to get out of bed even when you have a stuffy nose.
Crazy, I know.

I'm not talking about really bad colds or the flu or whatever. I mean literally a regular cold.

This. It’s infuriating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been going on for 10 years. When I get sick he gets very upset that I’m not running around like my normal self. A few months ago I had the flu with a 103 fever and he was so irritated.

I don’t ask for anything when I’m sick. But he’s constantly asking what my problem is, making comments like “you’re allegedly sick,” etc.

I just caught whatever he recovered from. When he was sick I brought him meds, fluids, took care of the kids and house. Now the at I’m in the same boat he’s angry. It’s like he only keeps me around to do dishes and laundry and when I can’t do that, it’s like a personal attack on him.

This deeply affects the way I think about our marriage. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he says I’m not doing enough to get better. I mean, I take medicine, hydrate, rest. Idk what else I’m supposed to be doing.

You need to kick his azz. Why are you tolerating this?