Estranged sibling sends birthday cards to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep adult issues between adults. Keep kids out of it. What are you thinking OP??

They are keeping their kids from their beloved aunt -- OP is not thinking, she's weird and mean.

The kids haven't seen their aunt since they were small. There is no relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am estranged from my sister. A card with or without money to my child would be unwelcome and returned to sender. My teenager has unfortunately been witness to some outbursts from my former sibling and would be also weirded out by the attempt at contact.

It’s an attempt to keep the line (no matter how thin) of connection/communication open.

Agree. I have a sister who wrote to tell me she wanted nothing to do with me, but continued to send things to my kids. I realized from her letter that she was a bully and completely untrustworthy, so did not want her in a position to treat my kids the way she had treated me.

I wrote “Return to Sender” on everything she sent. She eventually got the idea and stopped sending things. I was not going to let her use money and gifts to manipulate my children, which I knew was her goal from talking to other relatives.

There is so much pain in this post as well as assumptions. We tend to make up stories in our head to help cope with the pain. And then there’s paranoia which begs the question, at what point does this behavior/thinking cross over to clinical mental illness? In our family it was our mother that controlled and created this dysfunction fed by her paranoia.

I’m the immediate PP here, not sure if your comment refers to my post. I can’t tell whether you are indicating that I or my sibling was making up stories, but I had no need to make up stories in my head because I have the letter my sibling wrote and there are numerous relatives who have been witnesses to her behavior.

There does tend to be agreement among family and friends that she appears to be mentally ill, but you can’t get help for someone who doesn’t want help. She can come across as bright and personable for a time, but if someone crosses her in any way, she can lose it. She will scream at people who are trying to help her. At one point, in a public place, security guards had to be called to escort her from the premises. Yes, very possibly some paranoia there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am estranged from my sister. A card with or without money to my child would be unwelcome and returned to sender. My teenager has unfortunately been witness to some outbursts from my former sibling and would be also weirded out by the attempt at contact.

It’s an attempt to keep the line (no matter how thin) of connection/communication open.

Agree. I have a sister who wrote to tell me she wanted nothing to do with me, but continued to send things to my kids. I realized from her letter that she was a bully and completely untrustworthy, so did not want her in a position to treat my kids the way she had treated me.

I wrote “Return to Sender” on everything she sent. She eventually got the idea and stopped sending things. I was not going to let her use money and gifts to manipulate my children, which I knew was her goal from talking to other relatives.

There is so much pain in this post as well as assumptions. We tend to make up stories in our head to help cope with the pain. And then there’s paranoia which begs the question, at what point does this behavior/thinking cross over to clinical mental illness? In our family it was our mother that controlled and created this dysfunction fed by her paranoia.

I’m the immediate PP here, not sure if your comment refers to my post. I can’t tell whether you are indicating that I or my sibling was making up stories, but I had no need to make up stories in my head because I have the letter my sibling wrote and there are numerous relatives who have been witnesses to her behavior.

There does tend to be agreement among family and friends that she appears to be mentally ill, but you can’t get help for someone who doesn’t want help. She can come across as bright and personable for a time, but if someone crosses her in any way, she can lose it. She will scream at people who are trying to help her. At one point, in a public place, security guards had to be called to escort her from the premises. Yes, very possibly some paranoia there.

That sounds horrendous. I suspect the PP was trying to gaslight. People don't want to think that someone can behave in an abusive or deranged way so they turn it on the victim. I did that plenty to myself. I even did it in therapy. I would describe a situation using only facts and the therapist looks horrified and then I would try to convince her no, it just sounds bad and I would make excuses because that's all everyone did in my family. Even when her ex took out a restraining order the story got re-written by family to sound like no big deal. It's a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am estranged from my sister. A card with or without money to my child would be unwelcome and returned to sender. My teenager has unfortunately been witness to some outbursts from my former sibling and would be also weirded out by the attempt at contact.

It’s an attempt to keep the line (no matter how thin) of connection/communication open.

Agree. I have a sister who wrote to tell me she wanted nothing to do with me, but continued to send things to my kids. I realized from her letter that she was a bully and completely untrustworthy, so did not want her in a position to treat my kids the way she had treated me.

I wrote “Return to Sender” on everything she sent. She eventually got the idea and stopped sending things. I was not going to let her use money and gifts to manipulate my children, which I knew was her goal from talking to other relatives.

There is so much pain in this post as well as assumptions. We tend to make up stories in our head to help cope with the pain. And then there’s paranoia which begs the question, at what point does this behavior/thinking cross over to clinical mental illness? In our family it was our mother that controlled and created this dysfunction fed by her paranoia.

I’m the immediate PP here, not sure if your comment refers to my post. I can’t tell whether you are indicating that I or my sibling was making up stories, but I had no need to make up stories in my head because I have the letter my sibling wrote and there are numerous relatives who have been witnesses to her behavior.

There does tend to be agreement among family and friends that she appears to be mentally ill, but you can’t get help for someone who doesn’t want help. She can come across as bright and personable for a time, but if someone crosses her in any way, she can lose it. She will scream at people who are trying to help her. At one point, in a public place, security guards had to be called to escort her from the premises. Yes, very possibly some paranoia there.

Borderline personality disorder

[Anonymous]

Estranged sibling has been hurt. Whether anyone else thinks their hurt warrants estrangement is immaterial. We’ll never fully know why, probably. We’ll never know the path that took them to estrangement.

It doesn’t mean they don’t care about nieces and nephews. One estranged sibling told me the hardest part was losing contact with nieces and nephews they cared about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s manipulative.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your kids aren’t you.

[Anonymous]

Hi, it's you, OP. You're the problem.

[Anonymous]

My brother and SIL divorced when kids were in ES. SIL cut off all contact when she remarried. I regret that I didn’t continue some sort of contact. The kids are great and I deeply regret that they think we don’t care about them. I think about them often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am estranged from my sister. A card with or without money to my child would be unwelcome and returned to sender. My teenager has unfortunately been witness to some outbursts from my former sibling and would be also weirded out by the attempt at contact.

It’s an attempt to keep the line (no matter how thin) of connection/communication open.

Agree. I have a sister who wrote to tell me she wanted nothing to do with me, but continued to send things to my kids. I realized from her letter that she was a bully and completely untrustworthy, so did not want her in a position to treat my kids the way she had treated me.

I wrote “Return to Sender” on everything she sent. She eventually got the idea and stopped sending things. I was not going to let her use money and gifts to manipulate my children, which I knew was her goal from talking to other relatives.

There is so much pain in this post as well as assumptions. We tend to make up stories in our head to help cope with the pain. And then there’s paranoia which begs the question, at what point does this behavior/thinking cross over to clinical mental illness? In our family it was our mother that controlled and created this dysfunction fed by her paranoia.

I’m the immediate PP here, not sure if your comment refers to my post. I can’t tell whether you are indicating that I or my sibling was making up stories, but I had no need to make up stories in my head because I have the letter my sibling wrote and there are numerous relatives who have been witnesses to her behavior.

There does tend to be agreement among family and friends that she appears to be mentally ill, but you can’t get help for someone who doesn’t want help. She can come across as bright and personable for a time, but if someone crosses her in any way, she can lose it. She will scream at people who are trying to help her. At one point, in a public place, security guards had to be called to escort her from the premises. Yes, very possibly some paranoia there.

That sounds horrendous. I suspect the PP was trying to gaslight. People don't want to think that someone can behave in an abusive or deranged way so they turn it on the victim. I did that plenty to myself. I even did it in therapy. I would describe a situation using only facts and the therapist looks horrified and then I would try to convince her no, it just sounds bad and I would make excuses because that's all everyone did in my family. Even when her ex took out a restraining order the story got re-written by family to sound like no big deal. It's a big deal.

This is a lot of crazy going on. I believe the devil comes in the form of confusion. You decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am estranged from my sister. A card with or without money to my child would be unwelcome and returned to sender. My teenager has unfortunately been witness to some outbursts from my former sibling and would be also weirded out by the attempt at contact.

It’s an attempt to keep the line (no matter how thin) of connection/communication open.

Agree. I have a sister who wrote to tell me she wanted nothing to do with me, but continued to send things to my kids. I realized from her letter that she was a bully and completely untrustworthy, so did not want her in a position to treat my kids the way she had treated me.

I wrote “Return to Sender” on everything she sent. She eventually got the idea and stopped sending things. I was not going to let her use money and gifts to manipulate my children, which I knew was her goal from talking to other relatives.

There is so much pain in this post as well as assumptions. We tend to make up stories in our head to help cope with the pain. And then there’s paranoia which begs the question, at what point does this behavior/thinking cross over to clinical mental illness? In our family it was our mother that controlled and created this dysfunction fed by her paranoia.

I’m the immediate PP here, not sure if your comment refers to my post. I can’t tell whether you are indicating that I or my sibling was making up stories, but I had no need to make up stories in my head because I have the letter my sibling wrote and there are numerous relatives who have been witnesses to her behavior.

There does tend to be agreement among family and friends that she appears to be mentally ill, but you can’t get help for someone who doesn’t want help. She can come across as bright and personable for a time, but if someone crosses her in any way, she can lose it. She will scream at people who are trying to help her. At one point, in a public place, security guards had to be called to escort her from the premises. Yes, very possibly some paranoia there.

That sounds horrendous. I suspect the PP was trying to gaslight. People don't want to think that someone can behave in an abusive or deranged way so they turn it on the victim. I did that plenty to myself. I even did it in therapy. I would describe a situation using only facts and the therapist looks horrified and then I would try to convince her no, it just sounds bad and I would make excuses because that's all everyone did in my family. Even when her ex took out a restraining order the story got re-written by family to sound like no big deal. It's a big deal.

This is a lot of crazy going on. I believe the devil comes in the form of confusion. You decide.

Can you give more detail, PP? Which poster are you replying to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL divorced when kids were in ES. SIL cut off all contact when she remarried. I regret that I didn’t continue some sort of contact. The kids are great and I deeply regret that they think we don’t care about them. I think about them often.

This makes no sense. I assume your brother had some custody? If so, you saw the kids unless you are estranged from your brother. Are you estranged from him? If you are, then it's best you leave the kids alone.

[Anonymous]

NP. I estranged myself from my sister when she shoved me into a bookcase and screamed “insane c@nt” at me for 4 (yes four) hours, at least 100 times, on the day we brought my mother back to her apartment for home hospice. Now estranged Sis is circling my children who are in their twenties.

A few takeaways. First, don’t underestimate the ability of someone with probable BPD to make up complete lies about the estrangement.

Most important, set your kids up to learn how to manage the relationship for themselves. You won’t always be around to run interference, and my kids were nearly adults when it happened. My kids don’t talk to estranged Sis often, but here’s what I do and what I encourage them to do.
- I haven’t told my kids much about the estrangement. No need for you to drag them in.
- Encourage your kids not to tolerate any talk about you. Period. No letting her try to talk about you. DD says she always shuts down Sis’ attempts to talk about me.
- More specifically, I tell my kids not to believe whatever they might hear from estranged sis, should Sis manage to sneak something in anyway.
- Your kids have eyes and ears. They can see that I’m the one who gets invited to the cousins’ weddings (bringing the kids along) and asked to speak at cousins’ parents’ funerals. Yes, Sis has said and done things to alienate our cousins, too. It’s hard to be patient, but give it time and everyone, including your kids, will get Sis’s number.

[Anonymous]

My sister is a nightmare. I did what I could to maintain a relationship with my niece and nephew because they are not her and I also knew that the day would come they'd realize for themselves what a nightmare she is and they'd need support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids aren’t you.

The job of a parent is to protect their children. If someone doesn't want you around their children, whether or not you agree, you should respect that. If you know there is real abuse then you report it. Unless these children are home-schooled, the school system will report any signs as well. If you think their lives will be filled with longing without you, just know in the age of phones and social media, it will be easy for them to find you later on if they truly want you in their lives. Sending gifts when you have been cut off is just creepy and makes the kids uncomfortable. Keep your stuff and let the ball be in their court. Respect the boundaries.