Estranged sibling sends birthday cards to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids aren’t you.

The job of a parent is to protect their children. If someone doesn't want you around their children, whether or not you agree, you should respect that. If you know there is real abuse then you report it. Unless these children are home-schooled, the school system will report any signs as well. If you think their lives will be filled with longing without you, just know in the age of phones and social media, it will be easy for them to find you later on if they truly want you in their lives. Sending gifts when you have been cut off is just creepy and makes the kids uncomfortable. Keep your stuff and let the ball be in their court. Respect the boundaries.

This. Fantasizing that your nieces and nephews really need you in their lives is creepy and highly suspect. Worse, you’re putting the kids right in the middle of your own sh!t. Just stop it.

[Anonymous]

The estranged sibling is trying to make it all about herself. Whether she’s innocent or guilty we’ll never know. What we do know that she’s telling herself the kids need her, when right now they barely know her. Maybe? So let them call her, or even let them start a relationship when they move out or go to college.

Or maybe the kids have other adults in their lives, like their dad or other aunts or uncles, and estranged sister is really surplus to the case. She’s fooling herself about her role when it’s really about her own neediness.

What’s sick is that estranged sister has no compunction about putting the kids right in the middle. Estranged siblings is asking the kids to defy their mother by enjoying the presents, or to pretend they don’t really care about the presents when they’re in front of their mother. That’s cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The estranged sibling is trying to make it all about herself. Whether she’s innocent or guilty we’ll never know. What we do know that she’s telling herself the kids need her, when right now they barely know her. Maybe? So let them call her, or even let them start a relationship when they move out or go to college.

Or maybe the kids have other adults in their lives, like their dad or other aunts or uncles, and estranged sister is really surplus to the case. She’s fooling herself about her role when it’s really about her own neediness.

What’s sick is that estranged sister has no compunction about putting the kids right in the middle. Estranged siblings is asking the kids to defy their mother by enjoying the presents, or to pretend they don’t really care about the presents when they’re in front of their mother. That’s cruel.

Are you my mother?..

This is the exact kind of manipulative BS she would spew .
Glad my aunt sent us cards and gifts.

My siblings and I didn't think too much of it as kids it was just another gift except mom would sulk and get pouty if we happened to like it

But mom would often sulk and point. She also had a list of people who were supposed to like, interestingly as I got older I noticed that these people would change and drop out of our lives with vague explanation from mom. They just weren't good people. Took me until I was 25 and decided I wanted to do something different with my life than what my mom decided that I realized being a good person or someone she included in her circle meant she has to have complete control.

Interestingly in the years since I've started forming a relationship with my aunt she's never spoken and I'll word about my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The estranged sibling is trying to make it all about herself. Whether she’s innocent or guilty we’ll never know. What we do know that she’s telling herself the kids need her, when right now they barely know her. Maybe? So let them call her, or even let them start a relationship when they move out or go to college.

Or maybe the kids have other adults in their lives, like their dad or other aunts or uncles, and estranged sister is really surplus to the case. She’s fooling herself about her role when it’s really about her own neediness.

What’s sick is that estranged sister has no compunction about putting the kids right in the middle. Estranged siblings is asking the kids to defy their mother by enjoying the presents, or to pretend they don’t really care about the presents when they’re in front of their mother. That’s cruel.

Are you my mother?..

This is the exact kind of manipulative BS she would spew .
Glad my aunt sent us cards and gifts.

My siblings and I didn't think too much of it as kids it was just another gift except mom would sulk and get pouty if we happened to like it

But mom would often sulk and point. She also had a list of people who were supposed to like, interestingly as I got older I noticed that these people would change and drop out of our lives with vague explanation from mom. They just weren't good people. Took me until I was 25 and decided I wanted to do something different with my life than what my mom decided that I realized being a good person or someone she included in her circle meant she has to have complete control.

Interestingly in the years since I've started forming a relationship with my aunt she's never spoken and I'll word about my mother.

What about “let the kids decide whether to initiate a relationship” is manipulative? In fact, it sounds like the gifts and your mother’s reactions actually did make child-you uncomfortable. Which was my whole point. Sorry about your relationship with your mother, but it’s really besides the point here, the point being whether an aunt has a right to make a child uncomfortable by putting them in the middle. Also, whether or not this applies to you, you’re not the entire world (believe it or not), and some of the aunts here may be trying to manipulate with presents with no concern about how this puts the child in the middle. Also, it really isn’t savior behavior if the nieces and nephews already have a father or other aunts or uncles closer by, and they don’t need auntie.

Again, let the nieces and nephews decide whether they need auntie in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The estranged sibling is trying to make it all about herself. Whether she’s innocent or guilty we’ll never know. What we do know that she’s telling herself the kids need her, when right now they barely know her. Maybe? So let them call her, or even let them start a relationship when they move out or go to college.

Or maybe the kids have other adults in their lives, like their dad or other aunts or uncles, and estranged sister is really surplus to the case. She’s fooling herself about her role when it’s really about her own neediness.

What’s sick is that estranged sister has no compunction about putting the kids right in the middle. Estranged siblings is asking the kids to defy their mother by enjoying the presents, or to pretend they don’t really care about the presents when they’re in front of their mother. That’s cruel.

Are you my mother?..

This is the exact kind of manipulative BS she would spew .
Glad my aunt sent us cards and gifts.

My siblings and I didn't think too much of it as kids it was just another gift except mom would sulk and get pouty if we happened to like it

But mom would often sulk and point. She also had a list of people who were supposed to like, interestingly as I got older I noticed that these people would change and drop out of our lives with vague explanation from mom. They just weren't good people. Took me until I was 25 and decided I wanted to do something different with my life than what my mom decided that I realized being a good person or someone she included in her circle meant she has to have complete control.

Interestingly in the years since I've started forming a relationship with my aunt she's never spoken and I'll word about my mother.

What about “let the kids decide whether to initiate a relationship” is manipulative? In fact, it sounds like the gifts and your mother’s reactions actually did make child-you uncomfortable. Which was my whole point. Sorry about your relationship with your mother, but it’s really besides the point here, the point being whether an aunt has a right to make a child uncomfortable by putting them in the middle. Also, whether or not this applies to you, you’re not the entire world (believe it or not), and some of the aunts here may be trying to manipulate with presents with no concern about how this puts the child in the middle. Also, it really isn’t savior behavior if the nieces and nephews already have a father or other aunts or uncles closer by, and they don’t need auntie.

Again, let the nieces and nephews decide whether they need auntie in their lives.

PS. I posted at 22:31 about how my estranged, probably BPD sister makes contact with my now-adult kids once in a blue moon. And I’m fine with it. I did tell them not to tolerate her trying to re-litigate the estrangement, or to let her talk about me, because often she lies. And they report that she tries talk about me but they don’t let her. Which is MUCH better for them and it’s weird you refuse to see that. I didn’t mention in my post above that they’ve reported back some bizarre sh!t she’s done in their own contacts with her—they have eyes of their own. News flash: you’re not the center of every discussion because not every relationship is identical to your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep adult issues between adults. Keep kids out of it. What are you thinking OP??

They are keeping their kids from their beloved aunt -- OP is not thinking, she's weird and mean.

The kids haven't seen their aunt since they were small. There is no relationship.

+1 I'd put the money into an account for them and put the cards away, not putting much further thought into it. The only thing I wouldn't want is for them to be in the middle of a messy estranged sibling situation. They have no real relationship with the aunt, so there is no point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep adult issues between adults. Keep kids out of it. What are you thinking OP??

They are keeping their kids from their beloved aunt -- OP is not thinking, she's weird and mean.

The kids haven't seen their aunt since they were small. There is no relationship.

+1 I'd put the money into an account for them and put the cards away, not putting much further thought into it. The only thing I wouldn't want is for them to be in the middle of a messy estranged sibling situation. They have no real relationship with the aunt, so there is no point.

💯 Let the kids reach out if they really want to know their aunt better. Let them decide whether the aunt’s claim they “need” her is actually true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how the kids feel about it. It would feel weird to get cards from a stranger who disrespected your mother - and invasive

My kids would be like, thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s manipulative.

I agree. What is the goal of the estranged aunt? Does she somehow imagine that sending cards/money to these kids will someday make them want to have a relationship with her when they get older? Does she have visions of the kids visiting her, sitting around and maybe listening to her bash their own mother?

That is not normal thinking. Who wants to get in between a mother and her children? A manipulative person, that's who.

Np. My brother estranged my whole family. I knew the kids so for a few birthdays/xmas I send cards and gifts. My motivation was to show that I loved them and was thinking about them. I hope when adults we can have a relationship seperate from my sibling / their parent but i don't have much hope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Estranged sibling has been hurt. Whether anyone else thinks their hurt warrants estrangement is immaterial. We’ll never fully know why, probably. We’ll never know the path that took them to estrangement.

It doesn’t mean they don’t care about nieces and nephews. One estranged sibling told me the hardest part was losing contact with nieces and nephews they cared about.

Estranged sibling may be hurt for whatever reason. But she shouldn’t be trying to center herself here, that’s gross and she should put the kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s manipulative.

I agree. What is the goal of the estranged aunt? Does she somehow imagine that sending cards/money to these kids will someday make them want to have a relationship with her when they get older? Does she have visions of the kids visiting her, sitting around and maybe listening to her bash their own mother?

That is not normal thinking. Who wants to get in between a mother and her children? A manipulative person, that's who.

Np. My brother estranged my whole family. I knew the kids so for a few birthdays/xmas I send cards and gifts. My motivation was to show that I loved them and was thinking about them. I hope when adults we can have a relationship seperate from my sibling / their parent but i don't have much hope

Tut ! Tut! pp ddon'tyou know you are encouraging the children to defy their parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The estranged sibling is trying to make it all about herself. Whether she’s innocent or guilty we’ll never know. What we do know that she’s telling herself the kids need her, when right now they barely know her. Maybe? So let them call her, or even let them start a relationship when they move out or go to college.

Or maybe the kids have other adults in their lives, like their dad or other aunts or uncles, and estranged sister is really surplus to the case. She’s fooling herself about her role when it’s really about her own neediness.

What’s sick is that estranged sister has no compunction about putting the kids right in the middle. Estranged siblings is asking the kids to defy their mother by enjoying the presents, or to pretend they don’t really care about the presents when they’re in front of their mother. That’s cruel.

Are you my mother?..

This is the exact kind of manipulative BS she would spew .
Glad my aunt sent us cards and gifts.

My siblings and I didn't think too much of it as kids it was just another gift except mom would sulk and get pouty if we happened to like it

But mom would often sulk and point. She also had a list of people who were supposed to like, interestingly as I got older I noticed that these people would change and drop out of our lives with vague explanation from mom. They just weren't good people. Took me until I was 25 and decided I wanted to do something different with my life than what my mom decided that I realized being a good person or someone she included in her circle meant she has to have complete control.

Interestingly in the years since I've started forming a relationship with my aunt she's never spoken and I'll word about my mother.

What about “let the kids decide whether to initiate a relationship” is manipulative? In fact, it sounds like the gifts and your mother’s reactions actually did make child-you uncomfortable. Which was my whole point. Sorry about your relationship with your mother, but it’s really besides the point here, the point being whether an aunt has a right to make a child uncomfortable by putting them in the middle. Also, whether or not this applies to you, you’re not the entire world (believe it or not), and some of the aunts here may be trying to manipulate with presents with no concern about how this puts the child in the middle. Also, it really isn’t savior behavior if the nieces and nephews already have a father or other aunts or uncles closer by, and they don’t need auntie.

Again, let the nieces and nephews decide whether they need auntie in their lives.

You keep proving me right that you are the toxic abusive person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s manipulative.

I agree. What is the goal of the estranged aunt? Does she somehow imagine that sending cards/money to these kids will someday make them want to have a relationship with her when they get older? Does she have visions of the kids visiting her, sitting around and maybe listening to her bash their own mother?

That is not normal thinking. Who wants to get in between a mother and her children? A manipulative person, that's who.

Np. My brother estranged my whole family. I knew the kids so for a few birthdays/xmas I send cards and gifts. My motivation was to show that I loved them and was thinking about them. I hope when adults we can have a relationship seperate from my sibling / their parent but i don't have much hope

Tut ! Tut! pp ddon'tyou know you are encouraging the children to defy their parents!

How? I never said anything negative about my sibling to them... ever. I was just trying to show them that I loved them and since I was cut off and no longer able to take them anywhere ( used to give experiences as gifts) this was the only way to show them. Then I only sent birthday cards ( no gifts) because I did not want to manipulate them. It is a complicated situation but I wish everyone ( sibling included) a long and happy life. Is it so wrong to hope for a reconciliation?

I never asked anything of my nephew/neice so how was I asking the children to defy their parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The estranged sibling is trying to make it all about herself. Whether she’s innocent or guilty we’ll never know. What we do know that she’s telling herself the kids need her, when right now they barely know her. Maybe? So let them call her, or even let them start a relationship when they move out or go to college.

Or maybe the kids have other adults in their lives, like their dad or other aunts or uncles, and estranged sister is really surplus to the case. She’s fooling herself about her role when it’s really about her own neediness.

What’s sick is that estranged sister has no compunction about putting the kids right in the middle. Estranged siblings is asking the kids to defy their mother by enjoying the presents, or to pretend they don’t really care about the presents when they’re in front of their mother. That’s cruel.

Are you my mother?..

This is the exact kind of manipulative BS she would spew .
Glad my aunt sent us cards and gifts.

My siblings and I didn't think too much of it as kids it was just another gift except mom would sulk and get pouty if we happened to like it

But mom would often sulk and point. She also had a list of people who were supposed to like, interestingly as I got older I noticed that these people would change and drop out of our lives with vague explanation from mom. They just weren't good people. Took me until I was 25 and decided I wanted to do something different with my life than what my mom decided that I realized being a good person or someone she included in her circle meant she has to have complete control.

Interestingly in the years since I've started forming a relationship with my aunt she's never spoken and I'll word about my mother.

What about “let the kids decide whether to initiate a relationship” is manipulative? In fact, it sounds like the gifts and your mother’s reactions actually did make child-you uncomfortable. Which was my whole point. Sorry about your relationship with your mother, but it’s really besides the point here, the point being whether an aunt has a right to make a child uncomfortable by putting them in the middle. Also, whether or not this applies to you, you’re not the entire world (believe it or not), and some of the aunts here may be trying to manipulate with presents with no concern about how this puts the child in the middle. Also, it really isn’t savior behavior if the nieces and nephews already have a father or other aunts or uncles closer by, and they don’t need auntie.

Again, let the nieces and nephews decide whether they need auntie in their lives.

You keep proving me right that you are the toxic abusive person.

NP here. PP you are replying to sounds reasonable. Why are you trying to make it out that she is wrong?

Every situation is different. In my family, the estranged sister has serious mental problems. Sometimes there are very good reasons to keep apart from people. One of my kids, when he became an adult, did have a relationship with my sister for a while. Sadly, he found out what she was really like and has warned his siblings about her. So, yes, sometimes it is better to keep a separation.

[Anonymous]

Nieces and nephews should not be caught in the cross fire. I think it’s sweet of your sibling to be in touch with your kids.