If your spouse has much higher or lower energy than you do, how do you handle?

[Anonymous]

Daytime activity, evening at home = a totally normal way to live. It's fine. It's weird that you think that's a problem, OP.

You're trying to make him seem like the bad guy, like he's boring, he's not learning and growing, he's denying you what you think you're entitled to in a marriage, yada yada yada. Well, there are plenty of ways to put a bad spin on how you are. Dependent, needy, can't entertain herself, uncomfortable with solitude, always chasing after the next thing, whatever. Can't you accept him and make plans with others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

I'm this person in my marriage, and it's because I have to manage my activity level and physical strain pretty carefully or I pay a price for it the next day. You're asking him to give you a lot more of his energy, and you need to recognize that it will come at a cost for him even though it doesn't for you. For example if I go on a long hike with my husband, I know I will have a flare-up of nerve pain and it will bother me for a week. I'm willing to do it sometimes, but sometimes not, if I don't feel like I can handle the consequences without other problems arising.

I think your willingness to carefully titrate his energy usage and to accept that he needs recovery time will help you.

How will it help me?

OP, in this whole thread you are constantly thinking about ME, ME, ME. How is this fun for me? I want to do more (and he should come along). I want to do this, I want to go out, I want to see my friends....nothing even trying to meet him in the middle (which can look like going out with friends and leaving him behind).

Perhaps you should consider a paid companion whose job it is to focus on you all the time. That's what you seem to want out of your husband.

Why shouldn't OP think about herself? Yes, she wants to do more and socialize more! Her husband is happy with the status quo and she is not - that's the f'in point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

I'm this person in my marriage, and it's because I have to manage my activity level and physical strain pretty carefully or I pay a price for it the next day. You're asking him to give you a lot more of his energy, and you need to recognize that it will come at a cost for him even though it doesn't for you. For example if I go on a long hike with my husband, I know I will have a flare-up of nerve pain and it will bother me for a week. I'm willing to do it sometimes, but sometimes not, if I don't feel like I can handle the consequences without other problems arising.

I think your willingness to carefully titrate his energy usage and to accept that he needs recovery time will help you.

How will it help me?

OP, in this whole thread you are constantly thinking about ME, ME, ME. How is this fun for me? I want to do more (and he should come along). I want to do this, I want to go out, I want to see my friends....nothing even trying to meet him in the middle (which can look like going out with friends and leaving him behind).

Perhaps you should consider a paid companion whose job it is to focus on you all the time. That's what you seem to want out of your husband.

Why shouldn't OP think about herself? Yes, she wants to do more and socialize more! Her husband is happy with the status quo and she is not - that's the f'in point.

Because she says he wants "to do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it." And she says that like it's a bad thing. But that's exactly what she wants from him for herself, and she's not self-aware enough to realize it.

[Anonymous]

Are you kind to your husband when you do these activities? Do you make them as easy for him as possible? Do you make the atmosphere tense and intense, or is it a hike/show/dinner out at a relaxed pace and just enjoying the time together? As a quieter person, going out and doing something with someone who is barking at me like a drill sergeant, yeah, I'd rather stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

I'm this person in my marriage, and it's because I have to manage my activity level and physical strain pretty carefully or I pay a price for it the next day. You're asking him to give you a lot more of his energy, and you need to recognize that it will come at a cost for him even though it doesn't for you. For example if I go on a long hike with my husband, I know I will have a flare-up of nerve pain and it will bother me for a week. I'm willing to do it sometimes, but sometimes not, if I don't feel like I can handle the consequences without other problems arising.

I think your willingness to carefully titrate his energy usage and to accept that he needs recovery time will help you.

How will it help me?

OP, in this whole thread you are constantly thinking about ME, ME, ME. How is this fun for me? I want to do more (and he should come along). I want to do this, I want to go out, I want to see my friends....nothing even trying to meet him in the middle (which can look like going out with friends and leaving him behind).

Perhaps you should consider a paid companion whose job it is to focus on you all the time. That's what you seem to want out of your husband.

Why shouldn't OP think about herself? Yes, she wants to do more and socialize more! Her husband is happy with the status quo and she is not - that's the f'in point.

No it isn’t. He should do what makes him happy and she should do what makes her happy.

What she is insisting is that she can only be happy if he comes along with her, and that is unfair. If she wants to socialize more, she is free to do it but not insist he go along too.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks.

I will make more plans with friends and for volunteer activities so DH doesn't feel any pressure to do things very often with me. I'm going to travel without him also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

I'm this person in my marriage, and it's because I have to manage my activity level and physical strain pretty carefully or I pay a price for it the next day. You're asking him to give you a lot more of his energy, and you need to recognize that it will come at a cost for him even though it doesn't for you. For example if I go on a long hike with my husband, I know I will have a flare-up of nerve pain and it will bother me for a week. I'm willing to do it sometimes, but sometimes not, if I don't feel like I can handle the consequences without other problems arising.

I think your willingness to carefully titrate his energy usage and to accept that he needs recovery time will help you.

How will it help me?

OP, in this whole thread you are constantly thinking about ME, ME, ME. How is this fun for me? I want to do more (and he should come along). I want to do this, I want to go out, I want to see my friends....nothing even trying to meet him in the middle (which can look like going out with friends and leaving him behind).

Perhaps you should consider a paid companion whose job it is to focus on you all the time. That's what you seem to want out of your husband.

Why shouldn't OP think about herself? Yes, she wants to do more and socialize more! Her husband is happy with the status quo and she is not - that's the f'in point.

Because she says he wants "to do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it." And she says that like it's a bad thing. But that's exactly what she wants from him for herself, and she's not self-aware enough to realize it.

She wants a husband she can go do some things with - see some friends, go have a little outing or whatever. It's not like she's crying because she wants him to bring home $5 million tomorrow and he just won't figure out how. She sounds frustrated - yes. She probably is frustrated that she wants a partner to enjoy life with and instead has someone who only wants to sit at home.

I'm the one with the lower energy spouse who posted on the first page - and this has been an issue in my marriage, too! But luckily my spouse and I work together so that both our needs are met - I don't badger him to go out with friends all the time but only make plans for the two of us to see other people a couple of times a month, which he can manage; and he knows that I need some fun with him and usually once a week or once every two weeks he will find a little thing for us to do. This way we both feel taken care of, and we're working together to have a happy home - it doesn't work if OP is the only one who is compromising or considering her spouse's needs. Her husband has to give something, too. And in the meantime, yes, she's frustrated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

I'm this person in my marriage, and it's because I have to manage my activity level and physical strain pretty carefully or I pay a price for it the next day. You're asking him to give you a lot more of his energy, and you need to recognize that it will come at a cost for him even though it doesn't for you. For example if I go on a long hike with my husband, I know I will have a flare-up of nerve pain and it will bother me for a week. I'm willing to do it sometimes, but sometimes not, if I don't feel like I can handle the consequences without other problems arising.

I think your willingness to carefully titrate his energy usage and to accept that he needs recovery time will help you.

How will it help me?

OP, in this whole thread you are constantly thinking about ME, ME, ME. How is this fun for me? I want to do more (and he should come along). I want to do this, I want to go out, I want to see my friends....nothing even trying to meet him in the middle (which can look like going out with friends and leaving him behind).

Perhaps you should consider a paid companion whose job it is to focus on you all the time. That's what you seem to want out of your husband.

Why shouldn't OP think about herself? Yes, she wants to do more and socialize more! Her husband is happy with the status quo and she is not - that's the f'in point.

No it isn’t. He should do what makes him happy and she should do what makes her happy.

What she is insisting is that she can only be happy if he comes along with her, and that is unfair. If she wants to socialize more, she is free to do it but not insist he go along too.

Why bother getting married if your entire lives are going to be separate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you kind to your husband when you do these activities? Do you make them as easy for him as possible? Do you make the atmosphere tense and intense, or is it a hike/show/dinner out at a relaxed pace and just enjoying the time together? As a quieter person, going out and doing something with someone who is barking at me like a drill sergeant, yeah, I'd rather stay home.

Why does your husband bark at you when you're out on dates? Is your relationship just always tense and intense? Of course doing things together won't help your relationship nor satisfy the more active spouse, but I've never heard someone comment that you should be kind to your spouse when out and about. That seems like a huge "duh."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you kind to your husband when you do these activities? Do you make them as easy for him as possible? Do you make the atmosphere tense and intense, or is it a hike/show/dinner out at a relaxed pace and just enjoying the time together? As a quieter person, going out and doing something with someone who is barking at me like a drill sergeant, yeah, I'd rather stay home.

Why does your husband bark at you when you're out on dates? Is your relationship just always tense and intense? Of course doing things together won't help your relationship nor satisfy the more active spouse, but I've never heard someone comment that you should be kind to your spouse when out and about. That seems like a huge "duh."

PP here. You would think.

[Anonymous]

We are both retired and I'm like the energizer bunny and my husband is not. But he worked his tail off for 40 years and he enjoys his golf, his reading, some handy man projects, board and charity work. Some times I envy him then he reminds me that I'm the one to blame and he's right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this is us, too. I'm not even especially high energy but it's much higher than my spouse.

There are times I get very frustrated and even upset. Like I see other couples going for hikes and bike rides, and I feel sad that this is never going to be us. I love hiking and bike riding, and I can't even get my spouse to come walk the dog with me very often.

And again - I'm not even especially high energy! I love my down time. I work from home and like to stay home a lot at night, too.

I deal with it by making other friends to go do active things with. I have my paddleboarding buddies, and stuff. My spouse also knows that I need SOME time together going out to do things - we find things we can both enjoy. Wandering around a city or town; going to check out a cool store somewhere; going to the movies.

I also try really hard to remind myself that no one person is going to be everything to me. The person I dated for five years before I met my husband - we LOVED going hiking and diving and biking and all that. We both LOVED adventure travel and went all over the world to go to all kinds of things. But also we had a really hard time just living happily together - we got bored talking to each other; there was too much drinking.

I'll choose being a little understimulated but having a partner who I can live in the same house with and always be able to talk to over having someone who meets these other desires. Not everyone has to make that choice, I guess - they like talking to their spouse and also going for bike rides. But it is helpful for me to think in these terms.

I don't get it - what was he like when you were dating him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's odd that you think being busy = growing. Whatever that even means. Growth can be contemplative and introspective, and people don't grow when they're forced onto another person's activity level. They just get tired and crabby.

There's a book about introverts, it's called Quiet, I think it would help you to read it.

I read it, at my husband's request. It helped me understand he's wired differently than I am. I am asking how other couples with an energy disparity handle it successfully so that both partners' needs are met.

I am more extroverted and more high energy than my husband and always have been. We handle it by discussing the things that "need" to happen (he is open to hosting parties at our house every few months, we travel with friends, he attends all school and sports functions, we do lunches or dinners with friends regularly) and we both show up for those. Then the things that we "want" to happen, we make happen. If there's a party that he doesn't want to go to I'll go alone, for example. When at a sporting event together I will go talk to people and he will spend more time focusing on watching the kids.

I think we probably do slightly less than I would chose were it entirely up to me and I imagine he feels like we do slightly more than he would chose, but we're both ok making that sacrifice for the other. I think the key is understanding who you're married to. I knew my husband was quieter and less outgoing than me when we dated. But I also knew that he was willing to step up and do things he wouldn't normally if it mattered to me. And I was willing to step away from things I would normally do if it mattered to him that we not do it. So there's give and take. But what there isn't is insisting that there is something wrong with either of us for wanting things the way we want them. I'm not any more "right" to want to do things and he's not any more "right" to want to do less. (Hint, OP, you're not right in wanting to be busier). As a result, we're able to compromise and find a happy medium.

It sounds like maybe OP you think your husband should be higher energy than he is, and that way of thinking may have caused him to react resentfully and want to do less with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that you married someone you're fundamentally incompatible with in this way. Maybe you need to own that choice and be at peace with it. Because you did choose it.

I'm really not understanding why you need him to be your travel and socializing buddy. Does time together and things in common need to be on your terms exclusively?

Because sitting on the couch night after night to spend time with him and bond in a way that works for him but does nothing for me makes me want to spend time in ways that do actually fulfill my needs.

Well, you want him to do things that work for you but do nothing for him (or worse, are actually stressful and depleting to him). So you're just as bad.

Ok I see, thank you. I just need to find other people to fulfill many of my needs, no one has offered another solution.

I mean, yes, I think to a certain extent most happily married people do this. Obviously not all their needs...but my husband likes to do things I don't (i.e. watch football games of teams I don't care about), so he does those things with his friends. I like to do things he doesn't (i.e. wander around antique stores), so I do those things with my friends. We do stuff together, of course, but I think expecting your spouse to fulfill you 100% in all ways is a recipe for disaster. We've been together almost two decades and have kids and both work and are very happily married.

[Anonymous]

Did/do you both work, OP?