If your spouse has much higher or lower energy than you do, how do you handle?

[Anonymous]

First off, this is a first world non divorce worthy post so let's take that off the table.

My spouse has always had lower energy and drive, but in the past couple of years it's really become a problem for me. I appreciate that he is unlikely to change such a fundamental characteristic, but does anyone have any suggestions to make our lives together less frustrating?

To his credit, he's fine with me being as busy as I like with work, friends, etc. My problem is that I'd like to have more in common with him and do more things together. For travel and socializing, I tell him which things are "must do" and leave him home the rest of the time. I'm fine doing more with friends but at some point don't we need to keep growing together?

[Anonymous]

What does he want?

[Anonymous]

Wait, what makes you think he's not growing? That's very weird. He's growing in his own way.

I think you need to accept this as fundamental to him and not say rude and hurtful things like that. Do you want him to accept you as you are, and not say "When will my wife stop running around doing all kinds of pointless exhausting things, so that we can spend time at home together"?

[Anonymous]

It's odd that you think being busy = growing. Whatever that even means. Growth can be contemplative and introspective, and people don't grow when they're forced onto another person's activity level. They just get tired and crabby.

There's a book about introverts, it's called Quiet, I think it would help you to read it.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is us, too. I'm not even especially high energy but it's much higher than my spouse.

There are times I get very frustrated and even upset. Like I see other couples going for hikes and bike rides, and I feel sad that this is never going to be us. I love hiking and bike riding, and I can't even get my spouse to come walk the dog with me very often.

And again - I'm not even especially high energy! I love my down time. I work from home and like to stay home a lot at night, too.

I deal with it by making other friends to go do active things with. I have my paddleboarding buddies, and stuff. My spouse also knows that I need SOME time together going out to do things - we find things we can both enjoy. Wandering around a city or town; going to check out a cool store somewhere; going to the movies.

I also try really hard to remind myself that no one person is going to be everything to me. The person I dated for five years before I met my husband - we LOVED going hiking and diving and biking and all that. We both LOVED adventure travel and went all over the world to go to all kinds of things. But also we had a really hard time just living happily together - we got bored talking to each other; there was too much drinking.

I'll choose being a little understimulated but having a partner who I can live in the same house with and always be able to talk to over having someone who meets these other desires. Not everyone has to make that choice, I guess - they like talking to their spouse and also going for bike rides. But it is helpful for me to think in these terms.

[Anonymous]

Some day you may be lower-energy, OP. Life is full of surprises. How would you like to be treated if that happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what makes you think he's not growing? That's very weird. He's growing in his own way.

I think you need to accept this as fundamental to him and not say rude and hurtful things like that. Do you want him to accept you as you are, and not say "When will my wife stop running around doing all kinds of pointless exhausting things, so that we can spend time at home together"?

Growing to me is gaining insight and new ways to look at the world and yourself. I try to grow by volunteering and "travelling local." I've picked up a foreign language in the last few years and spend time visiting and learning about the country where the language is spoken. I work with a not for profit near to my heart.

He doesn't think what I do is pointless or exhausting for me. He has no interest in joining groups or volunteering, and doesn't really like talking as recreation. He's content with me reading on the sofa while he watches TV or surfs the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

I'm this person in my marriage, and it's because I have to manage my activity level and physical strain pretty carefully or I pay a price for it the next day. You're asking him to give you a lot more of his energy, and you need to recognize that it will come at a cost for him even though it doesn't for you. For example if I go on a long hike with my husband, I know I will have a flare-up of nerve pain and it will bother me for a week. I'm willing to do it sometimes, but sometimes not, if I don't feel like I can handle the consequences without other problems arising.

I think your willingness to carefully titrate his energy usage and to accept that he needs recovery time will help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what makes you think he's not growing? That's very weird. He's growing in his own way.

I think you need to accept this as fundamental to him and not say rude and hurtful things like that. Do you want him to accept you as you are, and not say "When will my wife stop running around doing all kinds of pointless exhausting things, so that we can spend time at home together"?

Growing to me is gaining insight and new ways to look at the world and yourself. I try to grow by volunteering and "travelling local." I've picked up a foreign language in the last few years and spend time visiting and learning about the country where the language is spoken. I work with a not for profit near to my heart.

He doesn't think what I do is pointless or exhausting for me. He has no interest in joining groups or volunteering, and doesn't really like talking as recreation. He's content with me reading on the sofa while he watches TV or surfs the internet.

Well yay for you, but that's not "growing" for everyone.

Maybe you should be grateful for your good fortune in being born a high-energy person. Not everyone is so lucky. And maybe your judgmental attitude is not increasing his desire to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that you married someone you're fundamentally incompatible with in this way. Maybe you need to own that choice and be at peace with it. Because you did choose it.

I'm really not understanding why you need him to be your travel and socializing buddy. Does time together and things in common need to be on your terms exclusively?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's odd that you think being busy = growing. Whatever that even means. Growth can be contemplative and introspective, and people don't grow when they're forced onto another person's activity level. They just get tired and crabby.

There's a book about introverts, it's called Quiet, I think it would help you to read it.

I read it, at my husband's request. It helped me understand he's wired differently than I am. I am asking how other couples with an energy disparity handle it successfully so that both partners' needs are met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

I'm this person in my marriage, and it's because I have to manage my activity level and physical strain pretty carefully or I pay a price for it the next day. You're asking him to give you a lot more of his energy, and you need to recognize that it will come at a cost for him even though it doesn't for you. For example if I go on a long hike with my husband, I know I will have a flare-up of nerve pain and it will bother me for a week. I'm willing to do it sometimes, but sometimes not, if I don't feel like I can handle the consequences without other problems arising.

I think your willingness to carefully titrate his energy usage and to accept that he needs recovery time will help you.

How will it help me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's odd that you think being busy = growing. Whatever that even means. Growth can be contemplative and introspective, and people don't grow when they're forced onto another person's activity level. They just get tired and crabby.

There's a book about introverts, it's called Quiet, I think it would help you to read it.

I read it, at my husband's request. It helped me understand he's wired differently than I am. I am asking how other couples with an energy disparity handle it successfully so that both partners' needs are met.

Okay, well I think the first step would be to stop viewing him as inferior, lazy, stagnant, and worthy of contempt. Because even though you haven't literally said those things, that's what I think you've got in your head.

Second, carefully plan around his energy levels and accept his need for recovery. Don't overschedule him and prioritize sleep and rest.

Third, you chose him, so remember that. You did this to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that you married someone you're fundamentally incompatible with in this way. Maybe you need to own that choice and be at peace with it. Because you did choose it.

I'm really not understanding why you need him to be your travel and socializing buddy. Does time together and things in common need to be on your terms exclusively?

Because sitting on the couch night after night to spend time with him and bond in a way that works for him but does nothing for me makes me want to spend time in ways that do actually fulfill my needs.