If your spouse has much higher or lower energy than you do, how do you handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old? Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it.

[Anonymous]

We keep a logbook.

So if they get 2 hours a night of Me Time, then so do I. We just hire more sitters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old? Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it.

Daytime on the weekends. I'm old enough that most people have kids in high school who transport themselves to activities, or in college.

Monthly happy hour is just an example, you could easily have more than one recurring event with different groups. Pickleball 3x a week, choir once a week, whatever. I just find it less hassle if I don't have to plan it each time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old? Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it.

Also, these ideas to make it daytime and routine are for him-- he might find social occasions less draining that way. Because that's what you want, right? Him to socialize more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old? Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it.

Daytime on the weekends. I'm old enough that most people have kids in high school who transport themselves to activities, or in college.

Monthly happy hour is just an example, you could easily have more than one recurring event with different groups. Pickleball 3x a week, choir once a week, whatever. I just find it less hassle if I don't have to plan it each time.

Is the not wanting to plan an introvert thing, or something else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old? Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it.

Also, these ideas to make it daytime and routine are for him-- he might find social occasions less draining that way. Because that's what you want, right? Him to socialize more?

Yes. The last time we did a daytime activity (apple picking/hayride) he sat in his chair and drank that evening. That's not fun for me. I think the next time we do a daytime activity, I'll plan something with friends for that evening and DH can recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old? Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it.

Daytime on the weekends. I'm old enough that most people have kids in high school who transport themselves to activities, or in college.

Monthly happy hour is just an example, you could easily have more than one recurring event with different groups. Pickleball 3x a week, choir once a week, whatever. I just find it less hassle if I don't have to plan it each time.

Is the not wanting to plan an introvert thing, or something else?

I think it's more a low-energy thing. The more advanced planning he has to do, the more communicating with people, and the more dealing with unknown things like new locations, traffic, parking, etc., the more of his energy it will take. If he has to actually make the plan himself and invite people, that's definitely an introvert thing.

Think of him as having a certain budget for activities and social interaction. It's a limited budget-- yours is too, it's just a bigger amount. If planning takes up a lot of energy, there's less left over for the activity itself. And because his budget is so small, he has to be really careful about what he says yes to, so he wants to be certain that he'll enjoy the event. He doesn't want to use scarce time and energy on something that ends up not being fun. Routinizing something he consistently enjoys will feel more comfortable to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old? Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it.

Also, these ideas to make it daytime and routine are for him-- he might find social occasions less draining that way. Because that's what you want, right? Him to socialize more?

Yes. The last time we did a daytime activity (apple picking/hayride) he sat in his chair and drank that evening. That's not fun for me. I think the next time we do a daytime activity, I'll plan something with friends for that evening and DH can recover.

It sounds like you really just don't like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

I'm this person in my marriage, and it's because I have to manage my activity level and physical strain pretty carefully or I pay a price for it the next day. You're asking him to give you a lot more of his energy, and you need to recognize that it will come at a cost for him even though it doesn't for you. For example if I go on a long hike with my husband, I know I will have a flare-up of nerve pain and it will bother me for a week. I'm willing to do it sometimes, but sometimes not, if I don't feel like I can handle the consequences without other problems arising.

I think your willingness to carefully titrate his energy usage and to accept that he needs recovery time will help you.

How will it help me?

OP, in this whole thread you are constantly thinking about ME, ME, ME. How is this fun for me? I want to do more (and he should come along). I want to do this, I want to go out, I want to see my friends....nothing even trying to meet him in the middle (which can look like going out with friends and leaving him behind).

Perhaps you should consider a paid companion whose job it is to focus on you all the time. That's what you seem to want out of your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old? Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it.

Also, these ideas to make it daytime and routine are for him-- he might find social occasions less draining that way. Because that's what you want, right? Him to socialize more?

Yes. The last time we did a daytime activity (apple picking/hayride) he sat in his chair and drank that evening. That's not fun for me. I think the next time we do a daytime activity, I'll plan something with friends for that evening and DH can recover.

You say this like you think he'll care or feel left out. He'll be relieved to have you out of his hair I bet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

Are you trying to get him to fill the void of your children being gone? Because that's not fair, it's too much to ask. Get some friends.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

To do exactly what he's doing now and for me to like it, not just accept it.

I'm this person in my marriage, and it's because I have to manage my activity level and physical strain pretty carefully or I pay a price for it the next day. You're asking him to give you a lot more of his energy, and you need to recognize that it will come at a cost for him even though it doesn't for you. For example if I go on a long hike with my husband, I know I will have a flare-up of nerve pain and it will bother me for a week. I'm willing to do it sometimes, but sometimes not, if I don't feel like I can handle the consequences without other problems arising.

I think your willingness to carefully titrate his energy usage and to accept that he needs recovery time will help you.

How will it help me?

OP, in this whole thread you are constantly thinking about ME, ME, ME. How is this fun for me? I want to do more (and he should come along). I want to do this, I want to go out, I want to see my friends....nothing even trying to meet him in the middle (which can look like going out with friends and leaving him behind).

Perhaps you should consider a paid companion whose job it is to focus on you all the time. That's what you seem to want out of your husband.

This. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to do things with OP.

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Anonymous wrote:I'm the lower-energy spouse so you apparently don't want to hear from me (which really says a lot about why you're having trouble in your marriage) but here are a few things that worked for us.

1) Not too much on the calendar. One social engagement per weekend. We don't just say yes to everything that pops up, we consider the totality.

2) My DH getting treated for ADHD, which makes him hyper, impulsive, and constantly craving stimulation to regulate. He hasn't been as antsy and has made better scheduling decisions since he got on meds. He used to just say yes to everything and then life was way too hectic and we wasted time on things that were not actually worth it.

3) Consistent sleep and wake times-- this attention to sleep hygiene has benefited both of us. We don't agree to early wake-ups and late night things except when it's really important. This means a lot of our socializing is during the day.

4) Travel stuff. We don't go places together where food poisoning is common, because I always get it. Expensive restaurants happen early in the trip because I hate sitting through some absurd fancy meal while I have food poisoning. We plan time to adjust to the time zone. I have an expensive inflatable mattress pad to improve my sleep quality in strange beds.

5) Pre- and post-travel. One thing I hate about travel is how he leaves his suitcase half-unpacked for a week following a trip. I hate how we are always in a rush to get to the airport due to his poor sense of time. I hate coming back to a messy house and no groceries and tired kids and the stress that places on us the following week. I also hate having to make all the reservations and I hate packing for the kids and unpacking, but they're so little that they can't do it themselves. So he's agreed to take on a much larger share of that kind of tedious crap. Because he's the one that wants to travel so he should do it. Again, getting him on ADHD meds has made a big difference here. Traveling with kids is just not something you can be disorganized about.

OP here. I would be happy with one social engagement per week but my H is interested in something once or twice a month. Our kids are college age/grown.

You could try to align them better with his circadian rhythms. I'm much more socially energetic in the day.

I also find repeating events less depleting. If it's a consistent thing, there's less planning work and less unpredictability. So like a monthly happy hour for example.

I work during the day. Most of our friends work and have childrens' activities on weekend days. Who are you socializing with during the day, or are you over 60 years old? Thanks about the repeating thing - never heard that. I like to see all my friends though so only socializing with the same people once a month isn't really going to do it.

Also, these ideas to make it daytime and routine are for him-- he might find social occasions less draining that way. Because that's what you want, right? Him to socialize more?

Yes. The last time we did a daytime activity (apple picking/hayride) he sat in his chair and drank that evening. That's not fun for me. I think the next time we do a daytime activity, I'll plan something with friends for that evening and DH can recover.

Yes, OP, this is what you need to do. My sister has this dichotomy in her marriage. She has a calendar full of activities and most of it doesn't include her DH. He is more of a homebody. You were hoping for more active companionship in your marriage like some of the people in your circle have but you can still be happy in your marriage by accepting your husband's greater need for downtime.