Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

Gee, it's almost like you're two totally different people who have totally different strengths and totally different weaknesses.
It's almost like each person's experiences are subjective, huh?

Maybe you should stop comparing yourself to your husband?

How's that been working out for you thus far?

Just because you also have ADHD, doesn't mean that your type resembles his type in any way, shape, or form.

You don't get to place the expectations you have for yourself onto your husband -- that's extremely unfair to him and it's a recipe for disaster for your marriage.

You need to meet him where he's at, not where you're at or where you're expecting him to be at.
No wonder you're so bitter and resentful.

So, why did you marry him if he's always been like this?
Please don't try to say that he used to be different/better, as people with ADHD have great difficulty hiding their challenges for any great length of time.

You need to stop placing the high expectations you have for yourself onto him.
It's not fair, it's not nice, and you're going to single handedly corode your marriage with toxicity, bitterness and resentment.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you’re thinking about it wrong. Like PP upthread said the benefit, if there is one, is that he just doesn’t have to do much that doesn’t directly help himself. Cash in an envelope at a kids party (blech, btw, everyone who thinks this is great is wtf. It’s not the end of the world but come on people, way to lower the bar) is a great example. He was able to sleep in, didn’t have to wrap anything, etc.

But the real answer is not what the benefit is for him, but what the consequences are. Which is to say, none. Unfortunately, everything is taken care of by you so there’s no fallout for him. You have my sympathy because as a single mom who does it all, I couldn’t imagine another adult in my house sitting around benefiting from my labor. My 12-year-old DD functions like a mini adult to help with chores, her own responsibilities, etc. I’m raising her this way intentionally. When I read threads about husbands that are like this (I assume they think all they need to do is earn money? Which I do as well, so yeah, it’s not enough if you want a family), I feel deep empathy because that sounds really hard.

Everyone says “just let him feel the consequences“ but the truth is that in a family, the people who will really feel it will be the kids. So I’m not sure what the answer is except marriage counseling, and being prepared to walk away if you have to. But that’s also not an easy answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you’re thinking about it wrong. Like PP upthread said the benefit, if there is one, is that he just doesn’t have to do much that doesn’t directly help himself. Cash in an envelope at a kids party (blech, btw, everyone who thinks this is great is wtf. It’s not the end of the world but come on people, way to lower the bar) is a great example. He was able to sleep in, didn’t have to wrap anything, etc.

But the real answer is not what the benefit is for him, but what the consequences are. Which is to say, none. Unfortunately, everything is taken care of by you so there’s no fallout for him. You have my sympathy because as a single mom who does it all, I couldn’t imagine another adult in my house sitting around benefiting from my labor. My 12-year-old DD functions like a mini adult to help with chores, her own responsibilities, etc. I’m raising her this way intentionally. When I read threads about husbands that are like this (I assume they think all they need to do is earn money? Which I do as well, so yeah, it’s not enough if you want a family), I feel deep empathy because that sounds really hard.

Everyone says “just let him feel the consequences“ but the truth is that in a family, the people who will really feel it will be the kids. So I’m not sure what the answer is except marriage counseling, and being prepared to walk away if you have to. But that’s also not an easy answer.

I struggled with that and thought the right thing was to protect my kids. But reality is, if dad doesn’t give AF, they WILL feel it eventually whether they’re 10 or 40. At some point they figure out dad just doesn’t care and I’m not sure if delaying that as long as possible is the best thing for them.

Also, kids learn from what they observe. I don’t want my daughters to learn they need to behave this way for their own husbands someday.

[Anonymous]

NP here, a female with adhd. It’s not an excuse. I had to find tricks to make life work, not excuses. We don’t get to work less, we have to work harder. Your dh doesn’t want to, it’s that simple, because you do it all.

[Anonymous]

I do think life has gotten more complex though. The amount of deadlines and tasks to do are varied and complex. People still live on farms and do the same thing every year. I think a lot of men are not into the kids details and not able to switch from category to category in life. Men enjoy the simple life more. This task just isn't something he was ever taught and if you think about it no other generation of Men had to consider it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you’re thinking about it wrong. Like PP upthread said the benefit, if there is one, is that he just doesn’t have to do much that doesn’t directly help himself. Cash in an envelope at a kids party (blech, btw, everyone who thinks this is great is wtf. It’s not the end of the world but come on people, way to lower the bar) is a great example. He was able to sleep in, didn’t have to wrap anything, etc.

But the real answer is not what the benefit is for him, but what the consequences are. Which is to say, none. Unfortunately, everything is taken care of by you so there’s no fallout for him. You have my sympathy because as a single mom who does it all, I couldn’t imagine another adult in my house sitting around benefiting from my labor. My 12-year-old DD functions like a mini adult to help with chores, her own responsibilities, etc. I’m raising her this way intentionally. When I read threads about husbands that are like this (I assume they think all they need to do is earn money? Which I do as well, so yeah, it’s not enough if you want a family), I feel deep empathy because that sounds really hard.

Everyone says “just let him feel the consequences“ but the truth is that in a family, the people who will really feel it will be the kids. So I’m not sure what the answer is except marriage counseling, and being prepared to walk away if you have to. But that’s also not an easy answer.

He didn't lower the gift bar. You and OP have a different bar for gifts than he does, which is okay, but neither of you believe it is. That's fine as your preference, but it's your responsibility to own it and not martyr yourselves.

If she wanted an expensive wrapped gift that reflected the kid's interests and was the right color, size, and brand (see how many burdens we can add to ourselves?), she could have gotten it herself. Instead she's choosing to blame him.

Relatedly, she doesn't have a choice to make him buy the "right" kind of gift or get there on time. She can only control her and what she controls is her actions and her reactions. She could change her viewpoint to any number of other ways of looking at this, but she doesn't want to. This is not blaming her, it's just explaining how the world actually works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you’re thinking about it wrong. Like PP upthread said the benefit, if there is one, is that he just doesn’t have to do much that doesn’t directly help himself. Cash in an envelope at a kids party (blech, btw, everyone who thinks this is great is wtf. It’s not the end of the world but come on people, way to lower the bar) is a great example. He was able to sleep in, didn’t have to wrap anything, etc.

But the real answer is not what the benefit is for him, but what the consequences are. Which is to say, none. Unfortunately, everything is taken care of by you so there’s no fallout for him. You have my sympathy because as a single mom who does it all, I couldn’t imagine another adult in my house sitting around benefiting from my labor. My 12-year-old DD functions like a mini adult to help with chores, her own responsibilities, etc. I’m raising her this way intentionally. When I read threads about husbands that are like this (I assume they think all they need to do is earn money? Which I do as well, so yeah, it’s not enough if you want a family), I feel deep empathy because that sounds really hard.

Everyone says “just let him feel the consequences“ but the truth is that in a family, the people who will really feel it will be the kids. So I’m not sure what the answer is except marriage counseling, and being prepared to walk away if you have to. But that’s also not an easy answer.

I struggled with that and thought the right thing was to protect my kids. But reality is, if dad doesn’t give AF, they WILL feel it eventually whether they’re 10 or 40. At some point they figure out dad just doesn’t care and I’m not sure if delaying that as long as possible is the best thing for them.

Also, kids learn from what they observe. I don’t want my daughters to learn they need to behave this way for their own husbands someday.

I would bet their kid doesn't care that Dad gave cash, or at least wouldn't care if OP hadn't taught him her definition of a perfect gift. He also probably wouldn't care a ton about being late outside of maybe the exact moment but happened if it's not harped on. Things happen, people can move on.

The resentment from Mom isn't good for the kids either. You don't know that their takeaway will only be dad doesn't care. It might be that mom was too critical, Dad was more approachable, dad modeled messing up and moving on without beating himself up, dad cared about some other set of things I care about that were important to me than gifts for someone I won't even have class with next year, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

It’s not a disability in the vast majority of cases. These men can figure out expectations at work and meet them. At home they have exceedingly low expectations for themselves and have “trained” their wives to do everything (because they do nothing.)

The birthday example in isolation seems like not a big deal - but in the bigger picture it’s pretty antisocial and fails to support the kids into integrating into normal social groups and expectations. It’s fine if OP’s kid showed up late with cash once, but what if all kids did that? What if OP’s kid did that every time? How will OP’s kid learn the valuable skill of thinking about what a friend might like? Of being a good guest? This is basic manners not a “disability.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

I recently started reading r/psychiatry (the reddit forum for psychiatrists.) people seeking out spurious ASHD and ASD diagnoses is a THING. as is people armchair diagnosising their relatives.

I’m sorry to say that the problem with men like OP’s husband is that they are exceedingly lazy and do not care that their wives pick up the slack. Let that sink in: they don’t care that their wife is doing all the work. They just don’t.

I got rid of my lazy, user DH. Guess what- he’s now actually doing some of the work he pushed onto me for a decade. Trash person.

[Anonymous]

Weaponized incompetence. He knows you're going to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think life has gotten more complex though. The amount of deadlines and tasks to do are varied and complex. People still live on farms and do the same thing every year. I think a lot of men are not into the kids details and not able to switch from category to category in life. Men enjoy the simple life more. This task just isn't something he was ever taught and if you think about it no other generation of Men had to consider it either.

Yes BUT (double ADHD marriage here):

My DH allows himself to just do what he wants in order to deal with that complexity. Going to work is the only obligation he actually forces himself to do. Otherwise he simply does what he wants and skips any task that isn't appealing enough to motivate him on it's own. Do he doesn't go to he dentist, he doesn't look into solutions when our DC is struggling at school, he doesn't do yard work, he doesn't gas up the car, etc. He wants to watch TV, do Duo Lingo, read Twitter, cook meals he enjoys ,(doesn't care if DC will eat them), etc.

Whereas I *suffer* a lot more through my ADHD because I actually accept that I have obligations beyond just taking care of my own needs. I work but I also prioritize a lot of stress off for our kid and our household because I know it has to be done. I don't always do it well and some stuff doesn't get done because of the ADHD. But I'm out here making lists and trying. There are many times when his lack of interest in something necessary (like signing our kid up for aftercare or responding to a teacher's email or making sure our kid learns to swim) actively thwarts me trying to do it because he's annoyed about any disruption to his priorities even if the disruption is just me talking about it or saying I can't do XYZ with him because I need to do it.

It has gotten a little better over the years because I've forced the issue. One way we deal with it is to find more kid and household stuff he likes do that he'll do them and that lightens my load some. So like he takes DD to the playground a lot which at least freese up to do household admin. He's also taken on one cleaning task (the kitchen, since he likes cooking anyway) which helps.

But I'm still always the one who forces myself to care about the state of that mist be done but neither of us likes. All the school admin and doctors appointments and playdates etc. I don't like that stuff anymore than DH does but I'm willing to make it a priority. I'm willing to sacrifice in other areas to get it done. And he's just not.

I really do not think that I have less severe ADHD than him or am better at multitasking. I just think that he allows himself to view this stuff as optional for him and I don't. It's not that he doesn't care about DD or me -- and know he does. But he views out needs as outside his purview. He assumes someone else will take care of them, and that someone is me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a LOT of men like this, including my H, my brother, and a couple ex-boyfriends.

I really think it all comes down to a lack of consequences. Someone is always there to save them, whether it’s a mom, girlfriend, or wife.

My H never did domestic work and I paid 75% of the bills, despite making half what he did. One day I decided if I had to go another day living like that, I’d run my car off a bridge. So I stopped. Stopped cooking, cleaning, covering his half of bills.

He tried calling my bluff by pulling the same “I don’t have money for bills this month, sorry”. So I put all his gym equipment up for sale on FB and sold it all by the time he got home from work. Told him I’d keep selling his stuff if he can’t pay his share. When he protested I packed my stuff up and had my attorney draw up a custody arrangement. Also made a Google Sheets adding up the amount of free time and extra money I’d have if I moved out (it was a lot) and sent it to him.

Money hasn’t been an issue since. He actually got a much higher paying job. I haven’t cleaned the house in over a year - he does it all. He cooks 4-5 nights a week.

It sucks, but you gotta treat these men the same way a boss would treat them. If they can’t fulfill their job, they don’t get to stay there anymore.

That being said, I had to hit my own rock bottom. I really couldn’t stand the idea of 40 more years of that life. I have zero doubt I would have died if I had to spend my life caring for an adult man.

I am amazed this actually worked, congratulations. The problem is that most of these men also get poisonously angry when confronted. Sounds like your DH actually wanted to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Disagree. Yes they might have it harder but that just means they need to work harder to gain executive skills. Or medicate.

Ah yes, the old “just work harder!” People with ADHD already are working five times as hard as neurotypicals just to not be homeless. Not saying OP’s DH can’t do better but OP sounds like one of those people who truly believe ADHD doesn’t exist and anyone who doesn’t function like her is lazy and inferior. She sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so kids that age love money and would consider it a thrilling gift. Your DH probably thought that money is fine, and it is.

This is a horrible idea. I would be pissed if some random dad brought money in an envelop and gave it to my kid.