Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

[Anonymous]

I am in charge of 95%+ of the household admin and am the main breadwinner. I am constantly resentful bc I am always either working, doing admin or at best telling dh to do things bc he does not initiate the need to do or buy anything that needs to be bought or happen. He took ds to an 8th birthday party today while I took other dc on overnight for travel sport. I reminded him multiple times about party and that he would need a gift; he said he would get the gift. ds tells me this evening that they were late to the party bc dh overslept and had no gift so gave kid money in envelope.
yes dh has adhd. yes is on meds.
I just don't get the mentality. Is it an assumption that I'll just do it? Or weaponized incompetence or like - what is benefit to dh of being like this? I do not understand.

[Anonymous]

The benefit is he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to, and has more free time. Lowering your expectations makes him less likely to fail.

Of course, he doesn't see that it's destroying your marriage. Because he doesn't want to see that.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so kids that age love money and would consider it a thrilling gift. Your DH probably thought that money is fine, and it is.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

[Anonymous]

I’m female and super organized. I think women take on too much. Cash in a card sounds way more efficient and is less waste than another toy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

[Anonymous]

It's the ADHD/ASD profile. There aren't enough neurotransmitters when you need them (for my husband to remember to prepare taxes well in advance of the deadline, for example), and there can be too many at inopportune times, like at midnight playing video games (that's my ADHD/ASD college son).

What has destroyed our marriage isn't the mistakes and forgotten widgets. It's the gaslighting and scapegoating when he realizes he's made a mistake, or when he misinterprets what I say and automatically sees it as an attack.

After 20 years of trying, I am done with this relationship.

[Anonymous]

ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Disagree. Yes they might have it harder but that just means they need to work harder to gain executive skills. Or medicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the ADHD/ASD profile. There aren't enough neurotransmitters when you need them (for my husband to remember to prepare taxes well in advance of the deadline, for example), and there can be too many at inopportune times, like at midnight playing video games (that's my ADHD/ASD college son).

What has destroyed our marriage isn't the mistakes and forgotten widgets. It's the gaslighting and scapegoating when he realizes he's made a mistake, or when he misinterprets what I say and automatically sees it as an attack.

After 20 years of trying, I am done with this relationship.

op - he def does not have ASD.
sorry you are dealing with another tricky situation. it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

+1 I also have ADHD and even though I don't always succeeding in managing things I understand it is my job as an adult and parent. It would certainly be nice to dump all my life admin on my spouse and just assume I don't have to do anything but I also understand that I can't do that. I would not be able to respect myself and I could not do that to my partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the ADHD/ASD profile. There aren't enough neurotransmitters when you need them (for my husband to remember to prepare taxes well in advance of the deadline, for example), and there can be too many at inopportune times, like at midnight playing video games (that's my ADHD/ASD college son).

What has destroyed our marriage isn't the mistakes and forgotten widgets. It's the gaslighting and scapegoating when he realizes he's made a mistake, or when he misinterprets what I say and automatically sees it as an attack.

After 20 years of trying, I am done with this relationship.

Me again. I have mild ADHD. All these mental disorders exist on a spectrum, OP. I have nowhere near the level of disability that my husband has. I don't have autism either, which means that when I procrastinate or forget things, I have the emotional quotient and executive function to apologize/reason/plan my way back to a good place. When it happens to him (a lot more often than it does to me), he's stuck at the emotional level of a teen, and instantly feels angry and wants to point fingers at someone else. He hyperfocused his way into dating me, because at the time it was a priority for him, and he was capable of running a couple's household without any issues. But once two kids came along, he couldn't deal, organizationally or emotionally. He's slowly fallen apart ever since, and now the default is a punitive, angry response every time he messes up.

So yes, the severity of the disorder matters a lot. As does intrinsic personality, I suppose. My ADHD/ASD son is never vindictive or angry. But maybe life hasn't beaten him down yet...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

Oh you are back. Every thread where ADHD is mentioned, you show up to pretend you have it so you can say that it doesn’t impact people’s lives and it’s just bad choices. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

Oh you are back. Every thread where ADHD is mentioned, you show up to pretend you have it so you can say that it doesn’t impact people’s lives and it’s just bad choices. Go away.

i have never ever done that. i almost never come to relationships. it is possible that someone else also has adhd and still needs to do adult tasks. I'm sorry if this is an inconvenient truth for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

Oh you are back. Every thread where ADHD is mentioned, you show up to pretend you have it so you can say that it doesn’t impact people’s lives and it’s just bad choices. Go away.

i have never ever done that. i almost never come to relationships. it is possible that someone else also has adhd and still needs to do adult tasks. I'm sorry if this is an inconvenient truth for you.

We all have to do adult tasks but when you have adhd, your ability to do those tasks is affected and you don’t think and act the way people without adhd do. If your functioning isn’t affected, you don’t have adhd - it is required for a diagnosis. It’s like asking why does your wife walk slower and slow you down. Is it on purpose, does she get something out of it? Sure she has cerebral palsy but she is an adult and needs to speed up and keep up and never slow your family down.