Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a LOT of men like this, including my H, my brother, and a couple ex-boyfriends.

I really think it all comes down to a lack of consequences. Someone is always there to save them, whether it’s a mom, girlfriend, or wife.

My H never did domestic work and I paid 75% of the bills, despite making half what he did. One day I decided if I had to go another day living like that, I’d run my car off a bridge. So I stopped. Stopped cooking, cleaning, covering his half of bills.

He tried calling my bluff by pulling the same “I don’t have money for bills this month, sorry”. So I put all his gym equipment up for sale on FB and sold it all by the time he got home from work. Told him I’d keep selling his stuff if he can’t pay his share. When he protested I packed my stuff up and had my attorney draw up a custody arrangement. Also made a Google Sheets adding up the amount of free time and extra money I’d have if I moved out (it was a lot) and sent it to him.

Money hasn’t been an issue since. He actually got a much higher paying job. I haven’t cleaned the house in over a year - he does it all. He cooks 4-5 nights a week.

It sucks, but you gotta treat these men the same way a boss would treat them. If they can’t fulfill their job, they don’t get to stay there anymore.

That being said, I had to hit my own rock bottom. I really couldn’t stand the idea of 40 more years of that life. I have zero doubt I would have died if I had to spend my life caring for an adult man.

WTF? I know you think you’re some #girlboss but you are the useless one in this relationship. It won’t be long before he realizes that not only are you a mean, bitter AH, but you no longer do jacksh!t at home AND he makes more than twice what you do. I suspect you’re not going to be allowed to “stay there” much longer…

I make the same as he does now, and I’m right now negotiating for a position where I’ll make 50% more than him.

Our domestic load is equal now. I don’t want to clean anymore so I don’t. Instead, I spend more time doing childcare. I take the kids out in the afternoons and evenings, he cleans and makes dinner.

I was bitter for a long time but we’re past it. Our relationship has gotten deeper because I don’t enable him anymore. We’ve had to rebuild something not based on me taking care of him. He fully admits that he was wrong and he works hard now to be a fully functioning partner.

Ignore that poster, she was out of line and clearly doesn't get it. I'm impressed by you. You changed the whole dynamic of your family and he's better off too. And if you weren't at your limit, you may not have had the guts. What you have now is much healthier.

I'm glad you brought up that the OP has a choice to resent him or not. Your context explained it much better than I could have. It's one of those things that's by definition true but so hard to accept if that's all you know and have had modeled for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

+1 I also have ADHD and even though I don't always succeeding in managing things I understand it is my job as an adult and parent. It would certainly be nice to dump all my life admin on my spouse and just assume I don't have to do anything but I also understand that I can't do that. I would not be able to respect myself and I could not do that to my partner.

What are you talking about? Her husband did complete the task - he didn’t dump anything on OP. His kid got to the party, the birthday kid got a cash gift.

That's one task-- OP says he does almost nothing unless she reminds him a million times and gives him lots of guidance. She had to cajole him into taking their son to the party and then remind him multiple times about the gift. And if he wanted to give cash he could have told OP the first time "I have already figured the gift out-- were just going to do a card with some cash." Instead he let her remind him over and over while he did nothing. The fact that he was able to figure something out last minute is good but doesn't change a dynamic where he relies on OP to figure everything out and then ask him to "help "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a LOT of men like this, including my H, my brother, and a couple ex-boyfriends.

I really think it all comes down to a lack of consequences. Someone is always there to save them, whether it’s a mom, girlfriend, or wife.

My H never did domestic work and I paid 75% of the bills, despite making half what he did. One day I decided if I had to go another day living like that, I’d run my car off a bridge. So I stopped. Stopped cooking, cleaning, covering his half of bills.

He tried calling my bluff by pulling the same “I don’t have money for bills this month, sorry”. So I put all his gym equipment up for sale on FB and sold it all by the time he got home from work. Told him I’d keep selling his stuff if he can’t pay his share. When he protested I packed my stuff up and had my attorney draw up a custody arrangement. Also made a Google Sheets adding up the amount of free time and extra money I’d have if I moved out (it was a lot) and sent it to him.

Money hasn’t been an issue since. He actually got a much higher paying job. I haven’t cleaned the house in over a year - he does it all. He cooks 4-5 nights a week.

It sucks, but you gotta treat these men the same way a boss would treat them. If they can’t fulfill their job, they don’t get to stay there anymore.

That being said, I had to hit my own rock bottom. I really couldn’t stand the idea of 40 more years of that life. I have zero doubt I would have died if I had to spend my life caring for an adult man.

WTF? I know you think you’re some #girlboss but you are the useless one in this relationship. It won’t be long before he realizes that not only are you a mean, bitter AH, but you no longer do jacksh!t at home AND he makes more than twice what you do. I suspect you’re not going to be allowed to “stay there” much longer…

I make the same as he does now, and I’m right now negotiating for a position where I’ll make 50% more than him.

Our domestic load is equal now. I don’t want to clean anymore so I don’t. Instead, I spend more time doing childcare. I take the kids out in the afternoons and evenings, he cleans and makes dinner.

I was bitter for a long time but we’re past it. Our relationship has gotten deeper because I don’t enable him anymore. We’ve had to rebuild something not based on me taking care of him. He fully admits that he was wrong and he works hard now to be a fully functioning partner.

LOL. Typical DCUM harpy who, when called out on her BS, conveniently adds (read: fabricates) details that make her look better…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a LOT of men like this, including my H, my brother, and a couple ex-boyfriends.

I really think it all comes down to a lack of consequences. Someone is always there to save them, whether it’s a mom, girlfriend, or wife.

My H never did domestic work and I paid 75% of the bills, despite making half what he did. One day I decided if I had to go another day living like that, I’d run my car off a bridge. So I stopped. Stopped cooking, cleaning, covering his half of bills.

He tried calling my bluff by pulling the same “I don’t have money for bills this month, sorry”. So I put all his gym equipment up for sale on FB and sold it all by the time he got home from work. Told him I’d keep selling his stuff if he can’t pay his share. When he protested I packed my stuff up and had my attorney draw up a custody arrangement. Also made a Google Sheets adding up the amount of free time and extra money I’d have if I moved out (it was a lot) and sent it to him.

Money hasn’t been an issue since. He actually got a much higher paying job. I haven’t cleaned the house in over a year - he does it all. He cooks 4-5 nights a week.

It sucks, but you gotta treat these men the same way a boss would treat them. If they can’t fulfill their job, they don’t get to stay there anymore.

That being said, I had to hit my own rock bottom. I really couldn’t stand the idea of 40 more years of that life. I have zero doubt I would have died if I had to spend my life caring for an adult man.

WTF? I know you think you’re some #girlboss but you are the useless one in this relationship. It won’t be long before he realizes that not only are you a mean, bitter AH, but you no longer do jacksh!t at home AND he makes more than twice what you do. I suspect you’re not going to be allowed to “stay there” much longer…

I make the same as he does now, and I’m right now negotiating for a position where I’ll make 50% more than him.

Our domestic load is equal now. I don’t want to clean anymore so I don’t. Instead, I spend more time doing childcare. I take the kids out in the afternoons and evenings, he cleans and makes dinner.

I was bitter for a long time but we’re past it. Our relationship has gotten deeper because I don’t enable him anymore. We’ve had to rebuild something not based on me taking care of him. He fully admits that he was wrong and he works hard now to be a fully functioning partner.

Ignore that poster, she was out of line and clearly doesn't get it. I'm impressed by you. You changed the whole dynamic of your family and he's better off too. And if you weren't at your limit, you may not have had the guts. What you have now is much healthier.

I'm glad you brought up that the OP has a choice to resent him or not. Your context explained it much better than I could have. It's one of those things that's by definition true but so hard to accept if that's all you know and have had modeled for you.

Thank you! It did really change everything, even with my kids. I really think women are socialized to be caregivers and most don’t do it out of love. Which is good! Love is so much deeper than caretaking. My own kids are much happier that I spend my time actually enjoying their company rather than doing every little thing for them.

H and I are both much happier, too. I’ve been able to focus on my career and grow my salary, which means we get to do things that are important for us as a family, like travel. H would much rather have a rich wife who can take him on vacation than a wife who cooks every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in charge of 95%+ of the household admin and am the main breadwinner. I am constantly resentful bc I am always either working, doing admin or at best telling dh to do things bc he does not initiate the need to do or buy anything that needs to be bought or happen. He took ds to an 8th birthday party today while I took other dc on overnight for travel sport. I reminded him multiple times about party and that he would need a gift; he said he would get the gift. ds tells me this evening that they were late to the party bc dh overslept and had no gift so gave kid money in envelope.
yes dh has adhd. yes is on meds.
I just don't get the mentality. Is it an assumption that I'll just do it? Or weaponized incompetence or like - what is benefit to dh of being like this? I do not understand.

His brain never fully developed so he can’t figure things out, can’t remember what he’s told, can’t do things the correct way. Rinse & repeat.

Get a sitter next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Maybe adhd should have disclosed that more and not had kids. Or not gotten married nor had kids.

At least the current kids will be on the lookout for this and avoid it in a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the ADHD/ASD profile. There aren't enough neurotransmitters when you need them (for my husband to remember to prepare taxes well in advance of the deadline, for example), and there can be too many at inopportune times, like at midnight playing video games (that's my ADHD/ASD college son).

What has destroyed our marriage isn't the mistakes and forgotten widgets. It's the gaslighting and scapegoating when he realizes he's made a mistake, or when he misinterprets what I say and automatically sees it as an attack.

After 20 years of trying, I am done with this relationship.

+1 million

It’s his asd/adhd mistakes and mishaps followed by his lying, arguing and gaslighting about them. The latter makes him look like a psychotic fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

No

It’s set an alarm to buy a present and card.

Set an alarm to leave house and take child to the party.

Set an alarm to pick up child from the party.

He’s old enough to know if he can’t hold the above in his head or in a calendar, then set all those dumb@$$ alarms all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

Oh boy 😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

They don’t. ADHD is really just that people were never taught executive functioning skills as children. Especially boys, who generally are held to much lower standards than girls and observed that their own fathers never did anything around the house.

Yup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him.

If my husband felt I was a pathetic useless waste of space who brings nothing of value and intentionally drags the family down, I would far rather he just divorce me than spend his time mocking me online and having a bunch of men agreeing and talking about how pathetic I am.

Once this level of disdain and resentment is there, move on rather than just bashing your spouse.

Exactly. The kids will just have to deal with it and missing ECs and losing things during delinquent dad time.

[Anonymous]

Another day, another person discovers traditional marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

+1 I also have ADHD and even though I don't always succeeding in managing things I understand it is my job as an adult and parent. It would certainly be nice to dump all my life admin on my spouse and just assume I don't have to do anything but I also understand that I can't do that. I would not be able to respect myself and I could not do that to my partner.

What are you talking about? Her husband did complete the task - he didn’t dump anything on OP. His kid got to the party, the birthday kid got a cash gift.

That's one task-- OP says he does almost nothing unless she reminds him a million times and gives him lots of guidance. She had to cajole him into taking their son to the party and then remind him multiple times about the gift. And if he wanted to give cash he could have told OP the first time "I have already figured the gift out-- were just going to do a card with some cash." Instead he let her remind him over and over while he did nothing. The fact that he was able to figure something out last minute is good but doesn't change a dynamic where he relies on OP to figure everything out and then ask him to "help "

He didn’t ask her to do that. She chose to nag him. He doesn’t need to clear the intended gift with her if it’s his responsibility.

OP, like so many of you on this board, needs to get over herself. She’s just not that important.

[Anonymous]

“Creating a framework”— yeah, it’s called making a list.
How come these guys seem to remember when the big game is on TV? Most men today get married later. They haven’t gone from their parent’s home to their married couple home. How did they manage to go to work and pay bills too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

op - HARD no.
I too have ADHD but I still have to step up because it actually is possible to do so when you need to be the adult in the room. so sit down.

Oh you are back. Every thread where ADHD is mentioned, you show up to pretend you have it so you can say that it doesn’t impact people’s lives and it’s just bad choices. Go away.

i have never ever done that. i almost never come to relationships. it is possible that someone else also has adhd and still needs to do adult tasks. I'm sorry if this is an inconvenient truth for you.

We all have to do adult tasks but when you have adhd, your ability to do those tasks is affected and you don’t think and act the way people without adhd do. If your functioning isn’t affected, you don’t have adhd - it is required for a diagnosis. It’s like asking why does your wife walk slower and slow you down. Is it on purpose, does she get something out of it? Sure she has cerebral palsy but she is an adult and needs to speed up and keep up and never slow your family down.

Lol. DP, but chiming in as an actual person with CP and this is bullshit.

If my family wants to go on a hike, I figure out how to make it work, with accommodations if necessary. I don’t just make excuses, pretend it doesn’t have consequences for the rest of the family and opt out of existence. ADHD is a thing, but it’s up to the person with the diagnosis to acknowledge it and work to compensate for it.