Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a LOT of men like this, including my H, my brother, and a couple ex-boyfriends.

I really think it all comes down to a lack of consequences. Someone is always there to save them, whether it’s a mom, girlfriend, or wife.

My H never did domestic work and I paid 75% of the bills, despite making half what he did. One day I decided if I had to go another day living like that, I’d run my car off a bridge. So I stopped. Stopped cooking, cleaning, covering his half of bills.

He tried calling my bluff by pulling the same “I don’t have money for bills this month, sorry”. So I put all his gym equipment up for sale on FB and sold it all by the time he got home from work. Told him I’d keep selling his stuff if he can’t pay his share. When he protested I packed my stuff up and had my attorney draw up a custody arrangement. Also made a Google Sheets adding up the amount of free time and extra money I’d have if I moved out (it was a lot) and sent it to him.

Money hasn’t been an issue since. He actually got a much higher paying job. I haven’t cleaned the house in over a year - he does it all. He cooks 4-5 nights a week.

It sucks, but you gotta treat these men the same way a boss would treat them. If they can’t fulfill their job, they don’t get to stay there anymore.

That being said, I had to hit my own rock bottom. I really couldn’t stand the idea of 40 more years of that life. I have zero doubt I would have died if I had to spend my life caring for an adult man.

I am amazed this actually worked, congratulations. The problem is that most of these men also get poisonously angry when confronted. Sounds like your DH actually wanted to change.

It didn’t work. That post is 100% troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you’re thinking about it wrong. Like PP upthread said the benefit, if there is one, is that he just doesn’t have to do much that doesn’t directly help himself. Cash in an envelope at a kids party (blech, btw, everyone who thinks this is great is wtf. It’s not the end of the world but come on people, way to lower the bar) is a great example. He was able to sleep in, didn’t have to wrap anything, etc.

But the real answer is not what the benefit is for him, but what the consequences are. Which is to say, none. Unfortunately, everything is taken care of by you so there’s no fallout for him. You have my sympathy because as a single mom who does it all, I couldn’t imagine another adult in my house sitting around benefiting from my labor. My 12-year-old DD functions like a mini adult to help with chores, her own responsibilities, etc. I’m raising her this way intentionally. When I read threads about husbands that are like this (I assume they think all they need to do is earn money? Which I do as well, so yeah, it’s not enough if you want a family), I feel deep empathy because that sounds really hard.

Everyone says “just let him feel the consequences“ but the truth is that in a family, the people who will really feel it will be the kids. So I’m not sure what the answer is except marriage counseling, and being prepared to walk away if you have to. But that’s also not an easy answer.

I struggled with that and thought the right thing was to protect my kids. But reality is, if dad doesn’t give AF, they WILL feel it eventually whether they’re 10 or 40. At some point they figure out dad just doesn’t care and I’m not sure if delaying that as long as possible is the best thing for them.

Also, kids learn from what they observe. I don’t want my daughters to learn they need to behave this way for their own husbands someday.

I would bet their kid doesn't care that Dad gave cash, or at least wouldn't care if OP hadn't taught him her definition of a perfect gift. He also probably wouldn't care a ton about being late outside of maybe the exact moment but happened if it's not harped on. Things happen, people can move on.

The resentment from Mom isn't good for the kids either. You don't know that their takeaway will only be dad doesn't care. It might be that mom was too critical, Dad was more approachable, dad modeled messing up and moving on without beating himself up, dad cared about some other set of things I care about that were important to me than gifts for someone I won't even have class with next year, etc.

Oh that’s rich. “Mom did everything and got mad. Bad mom for modeling ‘resentment’! Good dad for modeling ‘moving on’.”

Dad just cares about other things; mom
must do everything AND suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Disagree. Yes they might have it harder but that just means they need to work harder to gain executive skills. Or medicate.

Ah yes, the old “just work harder!” People with ADHD already are working five times as hard as neurotypicals just to not be homeless. Not saying OP’s DH can’t do better but OP sounds like one of those people who truly believe ADHD doesn’t exist and anyone who doesn’t function like her is lazy and inferior. She sounds like a nightmare.

Enjoy being divorced if your ADHD is that severe, is all I can say. If you’re truly that disabled then you need to accept that your disability means you won’t be able to get married and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in charge of 95%+ of the household admin and am the main breadwinner. I am constantly resentful bc I am always either working, doing admin or at best telling dh to do things bc he does not initiate the need to do or buy anything that needs to be bought or happen. He took ds to an 8th birthday party today while I took other dc on overnight for travel sport. I reminded him multiple times about party and that he would need a gift; he said he would get the gift. ds tells me this evening that they were late to the party bc dh overslept and had no gift so gave kid money in envelope.
yes dh has adhd. yes is on meds.
I just don't get the mentality. Is it an assumption that I'll just do it? Or weaponized incompetence or like - what is benefit to dh of being like this? I do not understand.

Did you not know him before getting married? You are acting like he just changed overnight.
You picked the wrong man. What are you going to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried couples counseling? I agree that cash in an envelope is fine, and I realize you told him to get a present but it’s micromanaging to be upset that the present is cash. So maybe you need to take a step back and see what you can delegate that will allow the standards to slip a bit but that’s ok. Obvy 95 % is not sustainable. Find a couples counselor who can help you divvy up better.

[Anonymous]

You are stressed out because you have poor boundaries as well as unreasonable expectations. A reality check would serve you well. When you are realistic about your circumstances, expectations and your own limits, life becomes much more pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the ADHD/ASD profile. There aren't enough neurotransmitters when you need them (for my husband to remember to prepare taxes well in advance of the deadline, for example), and there can be too many at inopportune times, like at midnight playing video games (that's my ADHD/ASD college son).

What has destroyed our marriage isn't the mistakes and forgotten widgets. It's the gaslighting and scapegoating when he realizes he's made a mistake, or when he misinterprets what I say and automatically sees it as an attack.

After 20 years of trying, I am done with this relationship.

Yes. This is the same for me too. I could overlook the forgetfulness or mistakes but to then turn around and treat me badly due to his own in security? No thanks. He can find someone else to care for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

They don’t. ADHD is really just that people were never taught executive functioning skills as children. Especially boys, who generally are held to much lower standards than girls and observed that their own fathers never did anything around the house.

Or it's both where executive function is diminished and instead of their parents working with them to create systems which are super important for people who have executive function issues they just basically let them get away with whatever.
And maybe they're able to implement some type of rigidity when they're at school and there's a basic schedule but then once that falls apart and they're on their own they can't integrate any other systems because either one they think it doesn't matter or two it takes too much work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is literally poor executive functioning. This task would have taken multiple executive functions: planning, organization, making goals, task initiation, time management, flexibility to deal with you being gone, problem solving (actually he did that, just not how you would have), maybe self-restraint. It's everything he struggles with.

oh yeah it’s such a struggle to go to Target and buy a toy, and show up at the Trampoline park on time 🙄 this dude didn’t care - it’s not adhd.

How late was the kid to the party?

Is it true it was because doofus dad forgot and fell asleep that afternoon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

What gave you that impression? The people complaining about people who have it don't have it. The people asking for advice because they are blindsided by a kid who has it don't have it.

But a lot of people have experience with someone who has it, diagnosed or not. ~12% of children and ~4% of adults have an actual diagnosis; the number of people who never pursue a diagnosis and simply fail to function adequatley is estimated to bring the total closer to 20% of the population. That makes it highly likely that most people have lived with or worked with someone who has it and can talk about ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in charge of 95%+ of the household admin and am the main breadwinner. I am constantly resentful bc I am always either working, doing admin or at best telling dh to do things bc he does not initiate the need to do or buy anything that needs to be bought or happen. He took ds to an 8th birthday party today while I took other dc on overnight for travel sport. I reminded him multiple times about party and that he would need a gift; he said he would get the gift. ds tells me this evening that they were late to the party bc dh overslept and had no gift so gave kid money in envelope.
yes dh has adhd. yes is on meds.
I just don't get the mentality. Is it an assumption that I'll just do it? Or weaponized incompetence or like - what is benefit to dh of being like this? I do not understand.

I think by calling it a mentality you're acting like it's something people are CHOOSING to do. I have a friend who is always late. ALWAYS. I've left her behind for things before and we just don't wait for her anymore, but it's one of her only faults and she says she can't help it, it's just the way her brain works, and I've decided to accept it. She actually does care very much about letting people down but there is something that always convinces her that she has time for X, Y, and Z before leaving the house and she just doesn't but she cannot learn that. One time she said she was sorry she was late but she had to vacuum before she came to dinner. I said oh did something spill? No, she just needed to vacuum.

So it's possible your husband might just be incapable of remembering and planning things. Or it's possible that he's a complete jerk and he's trying to weaponize his incompetence so that he doesn't have to do anything. My husband isn't anything like that but he also likes to have things in the actual calendar because he doesn't have the virtual calendar in his head that I do, which is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that everyone on DCUM has ADHD/ASD?

What gave you that impression? The people complaining about people who have it don't have it. The people asking for advice because they are blindsided by a kid who has it don't have it.

But a lot of people have experience with someone who has it, diagnosed or not. ~12% of children and ~4% of adults have an actual diagnosis; the number of people who never pursue a diagnosis and simply fail to function adequatley is estimated to bring the total closer to 20% of the population. That makes it highly likely that most people have lived with or worked with someone who has it and can talk about ADHD.

overdiagnosis of these conditions is rampant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the ADHD/ASD profile. There aren't enough neurotransmitters when you need them (for my husband to remember to prepare taxes well in advance of the deadline, for example), and there can be too many at inopportune times, like at midnight playing video games (that's my ADHD/ASD college son).

What has destroyed our marriage isn't the mistakes and forgotten widgets. It's the gaslighting and scapegoating when he realizes he's made a mistake, or when he misinterprets what I say and automatically sees it as an attack.

After 20 years of trying, I am done with this relationship.

I can see this. OP what what his response to the party situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in charge of 95%+ of the household admin and am the main breadwinner. I am constantly resentful bc I am always either working, doing admin or at best telling dh to do things bc he does not initiate the need to do or buy anything that needs to be bought or happen. He took ds to an 8th birthday party today while I took other dc on overnight for travel sport. I reminded him multiple times about party and that he would need a gift; he said he would get the gift. ds tells me this evening that they were late to the party bc dh overslept and had no gift so gave kid money in envelope.
yes dh has adhd. yes is on meds.
I just don't get the mentality. Is it an assumption that I'll just do it? Or weaponized incompetence or like - what is benefit to dh of being like this? I do not understand.

I think by calling it a mentality you're acting like it's something people are CHOOSING to do. I have a friend who is always late. ALWAYS. I've left her behind for things before and we just don't wait for her anymore, but it's one of her only faults and she says she can't help it, it's just the way her brain works, and I've decided to accept it. She actually does care very much about letting people down but there is something that always convinces her that she has time for X, Y, and Z before leaving the house and she just doesn't but she cannot learn that. One time she said she was sorry she was late but she had to vacuum before she came to dinner. I said oh did something spill? No, she just needed to vacuum.

So it's possible your husband might just be incapable of remembering and planning things. Or it's possible that he's a complete jerk and he's trying to weaponize his incompetence so that he doesn't have to do anything. My husband isn't anything like that but he also likes to have things in the actual calendar because he doesn't have the virtual calendar in his head that I do, which is fine.

your friend chooses to be late because she has learned that you tolerate it. ask her if she’s late to jury duty, work, daycare pickup …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Disagree. Yes they might have it harder but that just means they need to work harder to gain executive skills. Or medicate.

Ah yes, the old “just work harder!” People with ADHD already are working five times as hard as neurotypicals just to not be homeless. Not saying OP’s DH can’t do better but OP sounds like one of those people who truly believe ADHD doesn’t exist and anyone who doesn’t function like her is lazy and inferior. She sounds like a nightmare.

Honestly, why is ADHD considered the disorder? Whatever perfectionism OP (and her many apologists in this thread) suffers from is clearly toxic and will undoubtedly negatively impact her relationships. Why are people like OP not considered “disordered”?

(And if the dismissive term for men with ADHD is “lazy” then I submit that the equivalent dismissive term for women with perfectionism is “b! +ch”)