Just found out my ex is trans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you have to process? It doesn’t affect you. It was somebody you knew 20 years ago. Are usually this self-centered?

+1 I can’t imagine finding anything to ‘process’ about a relationship I had with some 20 years ago unless it came to light he was a mass murder or some other horrific criminal while I knew him.

Weird exception since his becoming a mass murderer or criminal *also* would be 100% NOT about you….
So again—why is this something that OP needs to process? It isn’t about her and doesn’t impact her. It’s gossip about someone she used to know, and she finds it curious and titillating….but it literally has no impact on her at all.

Different pp here. I agree with you that that she obviously finds it titillating for some reason but she frames it as something that needs to be processed (How do I process this?). Yes it would be an interesting thing about someone I used to date but that would be it.

Here's what I think is happening, the OP is a bisexual woman in a straight marriage. Many bisexual people are in straight marriages because it's easier to have kids that way and the straight dating pool is a lot larger. It's also easier to just fit into society since it was basically made for straight people to exist. This leads a lot of bisexual people to feel erased. They're still queer but they feel like they aren't seen and may even feel invalid or "not queer enough" compared to other people that are either in same sex relationships or are trans (asexual people often feel this way too). Her ex is going to be living as a queer person in the world. It's obviously not easy to be a trans woman but there are in-group benefits that a visibly queer person gets that a bisexual in a straight marriage does not.

So my guess is that she's titillated by it and probably somewhat jealous even if she doesn't say it in her post because her ex who she thought was cis is now going to be living a completely different lifestyle than her and while I'm sure she's satisfied with where she's at, there's always going to be questions of what her life could have been if she had gone down a different path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gender dysphoria at a late age is extremely unusual, made even more so because OP had a relationship with this guy.

There are many middle aged men who come out as trans mid-life. Many of them appear to be very masculine, had military careers, long marriages with children, etc. AGP is a very powerful motivator.

This is what happened in my marriage. My husband didn’t disclose anything prior to getting married. He was masculine and started off his career in the military. I discovered later into the marriage he was secretly cross dressing. He has no desire to transition now because of our family but still struggles with gender issues. He admits it is all due to autogynephilia (agp) which is a paraphilia. It takes root when they are younger and unfortunately never goes away often times intensifying with age. Most activists pretend it isn’t a real thing but I assure you it very much is. It took him a while to admit this to himself because of the deep shame and embarrassment. It’s a horrible situation for wives to be put in.

So, did your ex transition? You kind of left out the important bit.

No he has not transitioned and does not have a desire to do so at this point in his life. He knows it wouldn’t be fair to me or the kids.

Why would you want to stay with a closeted trans woman? Most marriages fail over something as mundane as money problems. This is a huge and valid reason to be divorced. You’re a straight woman in a queer marriage with a closeted trans woman. You should have the opportunity to find someone new and your partner should be able to transition and find someone that is interested in them as a trans woman. It was a lot harder to be trans 20 years ago and a lot of people didn’t even really understand what they were feeling. As they age as a man, they’re going to become more dysphoric and feel an even stronger need to transition. Would you rather be single now or in your 60’s?

You aren’t protecting your kids by keeping your marriage together. Many kids have out queer parents (especially in the DC metro area) and many have divorced parents. They will be fine. You’re preventing a transgender person from transitioning and being happy and you’re not giving yourself a chance to find someone new while you’re still young.

[Anonymous]

You process it by sending flowers and a nice card addressed to the person’s new name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you have to process? It doesn’t affect you. It was somebody you knew 20 years ago. Are usually this self-centered?

No one can help the emotions they feel. If she was calling this person up and asking them to explain to appease her issues then she'd be making it about her. She found something out, is having an unexpected emotional reaction and posting on an anonymous message board about it. That is dealing with something like this the way it should be dealt with, quietly and on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend just let me know that my college boyfriend came out as trans. Mind you, this is someone I dated 20+ years ago but I’m a bit in shock. I myself am bi, so maybe this makes sense, but he never struck me as effeminate in any way.

Has anyone else btdt? How do I process this?

(I’m happily married and that relationship ended really poorly, but it was my first serious relationship and I’m just in shock right now)

So cool! Half our school in DC is trans as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people coming down on OP so hard? she's allowed to have mixed feelings about someone she was involved with changing genders. It's a normal part of processing massive change

but this person isn't in her life and hasn't been for 20 years. What change is there for oP exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You process it by sending flowers and a nice card addressed to the person’s new name.

What?? No, that's way weird if OP hasn't spoken to this person in decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gender dysphoria at a late age is extremely unusual, made even more so because OP had a relationship with this guy.

There are many middle aged men who come out as trans mid-life. Many of them appear to be very masculine, had military careers, long marriages with children, etc. AGP is a very powerful motivator.

This is what happened in my marriage. My husband didn’t disclose anything prior to getting married. He was masculine and started off his career in the military. I discovered later into the marriage he was secretly cross dressing. He has no desire to transition now because of our family but still struggles with gender issues. He admits it is all due to autogynephilia (agp) which is a paraphilia. It takes root when they are younger and unfortunately never goes away often times intensifying with age. Most activists pretend it isn’t a real thing but I assure you it very much is. It took him a while to admit this to himself because of the deep shame and embarrassment. It’s a horrible situation for wives to be put in.

So, did your ex transition? You kind of left out the important bit.

No he has not transitioned and does not have a desire to do so at this point in his life. He knows it wouldn’t be fair to me or the kids.

Why would you want to stay with a closeted trans woman? Most marriages fail over something as mundane as money problems. This is a huge and valid reason to be divorced. You’re a straight woman in a queer marriage with a closeted trans woman. You should have the opportunity to find someone new and your partner should be able to transition and find someone that is interested in them as a trans woman. It was a lot harder to be trans 20 years ago and a lot of people didn’t even really understand what they were feeling. As they age as a man, they’re going to become more dysphoric and feel an even stronger need to transition. Would you rather be single now or in your 60’s?

You aren’t protecting your kids by keeping your marriage together. Many kids have out queer parents (especially in the DC metro area) and many have divorced parents. They will be fine. You’re preventing a transgender person from transitioning and being happy and you’re not giving yourself a chance to find someone new while you’re still young.

Op is a straight woman married to a straight man with a paraphelia. She is protecting her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people coming down on OP so hard? she's allowed to have mixed feelings about someone she was involved with changing genders. It's a normal part of processing massive change

but this person isn't in her life and hasn't been for 20 years. What change is there for oP exactly?

People have weird feelings when they find out things about people they had very influential relationships with. And it is frequently difficult to parse out exactly why.

I think people feel like, when they find out someone they were in a serious relationship had a different se*uality or something like this, it makes you doubt yourself. How did I not see that? I thought I knew them well? What does this mean about me? Was I subconsciously attracted to that part of them?

All kinds of random weird thoughts because we think of attraction and this kind of stuff as very private and there is a lot of shame about it in our culture (on every angle of the spectrum) and so questioning what you thought about your own inclinations and judgement happens.

I think this is NBD and OP will quickly get over it. This just made them reexamine a probably profoundly impactful relationship and wonder what it means about them. The answer is likely nothing! But dredging up old feelings is always disconcerting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gender dysphoria at a late age is extremely unusual, made even more so because OP had a relationship with this guy.

There are many middle aged men who come out as trans mid-life. Many of them appear to be very masculine, had military careers, long marriages with children, etc. AGP is a very powerful motivator.

This is what happened in my marriage. My husband didn’t disclose anything prior to getting married. He was masculine and started off his career in the military. I discovered later into the marriage he was secretly cross dressing. He has no desire to transition now because of our family but still struggles with gender issues. He admits it is all due to autogynephilia (agp) which is a paraphilia. It takes root when they are younger and unfortunately never goes away often times intensifying with age. Most activists pretend it isn’t a real thing but I assure you it very much is. It took him a while to admit this to himself because of the deep shame and embarrassment. It’s a horrible situation for wives to be put in.

So, did your ex transition? You kind of left out the important bit.

No he has not transitioned and does not have a desire to do so at this point in his life. He knows it wouldn’t be fair to me or the kids.

Why would you want to stay with a closeted trans woman? Most marriages fail over something as mundane as money problems. This is a huge and valid reason to be divorced. You’re a straight woman in a queer marriage with a closeted trans woman. You should have the opportunity to find someone new and your partner should be able to transition and find someone that is interested in them as a trans woman. It was a lot harder to be trans 20 years ago and a lot of people didn’t even really understand what they were feeling. As they age as a man, they’re going to become more dysphoric and feel an even stronger need to transition. Would you rather be single now or in your 60’s?

You aren’t protecting your kids by keeping your marriage together. Many kids have out queer parents (especially in the DC metro area) and many have divorced parents. They will be fine. You’re preventing a transgender person from transitioning and being happy and you’re not giving yourself a chance to find someone new while you’re still young.

Op is a straight woman married to a straight man with a paraphelia. She is protecting her kids.

That’s not the OP. Way to not read the thread.

And this person is a closeted trans woman. Telling a closeted trans woman to stay closeted because you want to stay in a “straight marriage” is pretty messed up and doomed to failure. The marriage will likely fail eventually and the pp will be wishing that she had divorced and moved on when she was in her 40’s. A straight woman should not stay married to a trans woman. That ridiculous. How is this “protecting the kids”? Better to just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You process it by sending flowers and a nice card addressed to the person’s new name.

What?? No, that's way weird if OP hasn't spoken to this person in decades.

It no weirder than needing to process this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people coming down on OP so hard? she's allowed to have mixed feelings about someone she was involved with changing genders. It's a normal part of processing massive change

but this person isn't in her life and hasn't been for 20 years. What change is there for oP exactly?

People have weird feelings when they find out things about people they had very influential relationships with. And it is frequently difficult to parse out exactly why.

I think people feel like, when they find out someone they were in a serious relationship had a different se*uality or something like this, it makes you doubt yourself. How did I not see that? I thought I knew them well? What does this mean about me? Was I subconsciously attracted to that part of them?

All kinds of random weird thoughts because we think of attraction and this kind of stuff as very private and there is a lot of shame about it in our culture (on every angle of the spectrum) and so questioning what you thought about your own inclinations and judgement happens.

I think this is NBD and OP will quickly get over it. This just made them reexamine a probably profoundly impactful relationship and wonder what it means about them. The answer is likely nothing! But dredging up old feelings is always disconcerting.

This exactly. The people suggesting OP is weird to 'have feelings' about this are being purposefully obtuse, and dare I say, 'woke'!

OP has learned that a core and fundamental part of her ex was essentially a facade. You would have to be an unfeeling robot to not want to reflect on that. The facade was obviously not nefarious or purposeful. But it's still a very big deal to find this out. A person's gender is fundamental to an intimate, sexual relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend just let me know that my college boyfriend came out as trans. Mind you, this is someone I dated 20+ years ago but I’m a bit in shock. I myself am bi, so maybe this makes sense, but he never struck me as effeminate in any way.

Has anyone else btdt? How do I process this?

(I’m happily married and that relationship ended really poorly, but it was my first serious relationship and I’m just in shock right now)

Well, not all women are effeminate so there’s that.

Also, they were probably really good at hiding it, for all the reasons that humans needed to hide it 20 years ago, and continue to hide these feelings. Maybe 20 years ago they had no idea they were trans, because most people didn’t have that literacy or understanding of what trans means or that it was an option.

How do you “process” it? What do you feel you need to process?

Maybe education would help. Read some books. I really liked the book “Both Sides Now”. Get some therapy. Try to figure out why you’re making this about what you need to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people coming down on OP so hard? she's allowed to have mixed feelings about someone she was involved with changing genders. It's a normal part of processing massive change

but this person isn't in her life and hasn't been for 20 years. What change is there for oP exactly?

People have weird feelings when they find out things about people they had very influential relationships with. And it is frequently difficult to parse out exactly why.

I think people feel like, when they find out someone they were in a serious relationship had a different se*uality or something like this, it makes you doubt yourself. How did I not see that? I thought I knew them well? What does this mean about me? Was I subconsciously attracted to that part of them?

All kinds of random weird thoughts because we think of attraction and this kind of stuff as very private and there is a lot of shame about it in our culture (on every angle of the spectrum) and so questioning what you thought about your own inclinations and judgement happens.

I think this is NBD and OP will quickly get over it. This just made them reexamine a probably profoundly impactful relationship and wonder what it means about them. The answer is likely nothing! But dredging up old feelings is always disconcerting.

This exactly. The people suggesting OP is weird to 'have feelings' about this are being purposefully obtuse, and dare I say, 'woke'!

OP has learned that a core and fundamental part of her ex was essentially a facade. You would have to be an unfeeling robot to not want to reflect on that. The facade was obviously not nefarious or purposeful. But it's still a very big deal to find this out. A person's gender is fundamental to an intimate, sexual relationship.

But OP claims she is bi, so there would be more fluidity in this. Under her own pretence it shouldn’t matter. Maybe she was attracted to the more female traits that this person had.

Also, Gender identify and sexual preference have nothing to do with each other. You can prefer the opposite or same sex, even if trans.

There may have not been a facade at that time. Or maybe there was. But the relationship didn’t last, and this may have been the reason. It’s been 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people coming down on OP so hard? she's allowed to have mixed feelings about someone she was involved with changing genders. It's a normal part of processing massive change

but this person isn't in her life and hasn't been for 20 years. What change is there for oP exactly?

People have weird feelings when they find out things about people they had very influential relationships with. And it is frequently difficult to parse out exactly why.

I think people feel like, when they find out someone they were in a serious relationship had a different se*uality or something like this, it makes you doubt yourself. How did I not see that? I thought I knew them well? What does this mean about me? Was I subconsciously attracted to that part of them?

All kinds of random weird thoughts because we think of attraction and this kind of stuff as very private and there is a lot of shame about it in our culture (on every angle of the spectrum) and so questioning what you thought about your own inclinations and judgement happens.

I think this is NBD and OP will quickly get over it. This just made them reexamine a probably profoundly impactful relationship and wonder what it means about them. The answer is likely nothing! But dredging up old feelings is always disconcerting.

This exactly. The people suggesting OP is weird to 'have feelings' about this are being purposefully obtuse, and dare I say, 'woke'!

OP has learned that a core and fundamental part of her ex was essentially a facade. You would have to be an unfeeling robot to not want to reflect on that. The facade was obviously not nefarious or purposeful. But it's still a very big deal to find this out. A person's gender is fundamental to an intimate, sexual relationship.

But OP claims she is bi, so there would be more fluidity in this. Under her own pretence it shouldn’t matter. Maybe she was attracted to the more female traits that this person had.

Also, Gender identify and sexual preference have nothing to do with each other. You can prefer the opposite or same sex, even if trans.

There may have not been a facade at that time. Or maybe there was. But the relationship didn’t last, and this may have been the reason. It’s been 20 years.

Honestly? It sounds like the OP just likes drama. She’s probably a bisexual woman in a straight marriage.