Reply to Just found out my ex is trans

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why are people coming down on OP so hard? she's allowed to have mixed feelings about someone she was involved with changing genders.  It's a normal part of processing massive change[/quote]

but this person isn't in her life and hasn't been for 20 years. What change is there for oP exactly? [/quote]

People have weird feelings when they find out things about people they had very influential relationships with. And it is frequently difficult to parse out exactly why.

I think people feel like, when they find out someone they were in a serious relationship had a different se*uality or something like this, it makes you doubt yourself. How did I not see that? I thought I knew them well? What does this mean about me? Was I subconsciously attracted to that part of them?

All kinds of random weird thoughts because we think of attraction and this kind of stuff as very private and there is a lot of shame about it in our culture (on every angle of the spectrum) and so questioning what you thought about your own inclinations and judgement happens.

I think this is NBD and OP will quickly get over it. This just made them reexamine a probably profoundly impactful relationship and wonder what it means about them. The answer is likely nothing! But dredging up old feelings is always disconcerting.[/quote]

This exactly. The people suggesting OP is weird to 'have feelings' about this are being purposefully obtuse, and dare I say, 'woke'!

OP has learned that a core and fundamental part of her ex was essentially a facade. You would have to be an unfeeling robot to not want to reflect on that. The facade was obviously not nefarious or purposeful. But it's still a very big deal to find this out. A person's gender is fundamental to an intimate, sexual relationship.    
[/quote]

But OP claims she is bi, so there would be more fluidity in this. Under her own pretence it shouldn’t matter. Maybe she was attracted to the more female traits that this person had.

Also, Gender identify and sexual preference have nothing to do with each other. You can prefer the opposite or same sex, even if trans.

There may have not been a facade at that time. Or maybe there was. But the relationship didn’t last, and this may have been the reason. It’s been 20 years.

[/quote]

Honestly? It sounds like the OP just likes drama. She’s probably a bisexual woman in a straight marriage.[/quote]

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