Son (20) can fit in at large state school. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. Maybe encourage him to keep trying grouos. Sounds like faith is a big deal, and he's a non drinker, so maybe join a Bible study or Christian fellowship group or a substance free interest group? Theatre kids are usually inclusive. Always need help with tech, management.

Hang in there.

Thank you!
In order to really answer this, I think I’m just going to say he goes to Madison ( this also answers other posters). Maybe it’s something about Madison being so liberal, but it seems that the Catholic organizations there are pretty conservative. My son was very weirded out by the priests, as well as members of a Catholic organization, who both grumbled about atheists “infiltrating” the Church and other nonsense which neither me or my son is amused by. So basically, he became further isolated from them too. He still goes to church, but only when he comes home ( only an hour and twenty away).

So really, I think he needs to find a kind of community he has in high school ( which, btw, was all boys). A big part of this would be spending a lot of time with a smaller amount of people to get to know them. The tricky thing is, though, my son’s abstinence from drinking and I think that has made him hesitant to go to many parties with people he’s met in class or a club. I just don’t know if Madison is designed for a kid like my son? But, given the cheapness of the tuition, I really can’t see another viable option. A small midwestern college like st Olaf or Oberlin may be nice, but it’s probably too expensive ( we’re in the middle income bracket where we can comfortably afford in-state tuition, but private school tuition just can’t be an option). I’ve also heard transfer students get much worse financial aid.

[Anonymous]

I am not trying to “convert” DC but maybe he could participate with a non-denominational faith group or a different faith group which he finds more socially welcoming ?

Example: At UVa, there were several non-Methodist students who showed up for the Wesley Foundation’s Thursday evening dinners. They did not attend the church service or in anything else; they just came to the Thursday night dinner. Everyone was fine with that.

[Anonymous]

In any case, plan right now to visit DS some weekend this month, perhaps next weekend.

It can be very hard to gauge mental health remotely, even with Facetime and such like. Being there for him in person both will help him and also will let you more closely evaluate how he is doing.

Also, if he is in any college dorm, there will be some sort of RA in the building, maybe on his hallway. If you were to reach out to the Dean of Students office and explain the situation to a professional staffer there, they could alert the RA to keep an eye on DS.

[Anonymous]

Can he get small part time job or do work study? The workplace is always a great and easy place to find friendships with like minded peers. An on campus job would get him out of his shell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not trying to “convert” DC but maybe he could participate with a non-denominational faith group or a different faith group which he finds more socially welcoming ?

Example: At UVa, there were several non-Methodist students who showed up for the Wesley Foundation’s Thursday evening dinners. They did not attend the church service or in anything else; they just came to the Thursday night dinner. Everyone was fine with that.

This is a good idea. FWIW, I was raised Catholic but now go to a Methodist Church. There are many former Catholics there. The traditional Methodist service feels very familiar and there's a similar focus on social justice. And it's not evangelical, they aren't going to try to convert him or disparage Catholics (as I found in some other denominations as I was searching for a church home).

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm sorry, OP. Maybe encourage him to keep trying grouos. Sounds like faith is a big deal, and he's a non drinker, so maybe join a Bible study or Christian fellowship group or a substance free interest group? Theatre kids are usually inclusive. Always need help with tech, management.

Hang in there.[/quote]

Thank you!
In order to really answer this, I think I’m just going to say he goes to Madison ( this also answers other posters). Maybe it’s something about Madison being so liberal, but it seems that the Catholic organizations there are pretty conservative. My son was very weirded out by the priests, as well as members of a Catholic organization, who both grumbled about atheists “infiltrating” the Church and other nonsense which neither me or my son is amused by. So basically, he became further isolated from them too. He still goes to church, but only when he comes home ( only an hour and twenty away).

So really, I think he needs to find a kind of community he has in high school ( which, btw, was all boys). A big part of this would be spending a lot of time with a smaller amount of people to get to know them. The tricky thing is, though, my son’s abstinence from drinking and I think that has made him hesitant to go to many parties with people he’s met in class or a club. I just don’t know if Madison is designed for a kid like my son? But, given the cheapness of the tuition, I really can’t see another viable option. A [b]small midwestern college like st Olaf [/b]or Oberlin may be nice, but it’s probably too expensive ( we’re in the middle income bracket where we can comfortably afford in-state tuition, but private school tuition just can’t be an option). I’ve also heard transfer students get much worse financial aid.[/quote]

Given that he already seems to have some things to build on (a few friends, running club, a good professor relationship) I don't think transferring makes sense. But if he does want a small school you might talk with St. Olaf about potential merit aid. They are pretty generous, at least with incoming freshmen and got close to our public in-state cost.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the whole thread, but it sounds like you may be Catholic. See if there is a Catholic group. This has made all the difference in the world to my nephew at a school with big drinking/frat culture. (The school is described in a negative way on this forum and I would never have known otherwise.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big 10 school. It can be very lonely if you don’t meet your people and you can definitely get lost in the shuffle. I think he either needs to get really get involved in something (join a club and take a big role in it - like student government) or think about a smaller school.

+1

He is a good candidate for a smaller school. Where he wont get lost in the shuffle. At the big schools your student must put themselves out there and continue to do it until they make friends. Same at a smaller school, but it's a bit easier. Because with only 3-6K undergrads, you see a lot of the same people in classes and in activities/sports/EC.

If he's really depressed, it might be best to take a semester off (trust your gut), and apply to transfer for spring or next fall. Because trudging along if he's miserable could have terrible consequences. And in reality, he's likely not getting as much out of academics as he should if he's not happy and healthy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big 10 school. It can be very lonely if you don’t meet your people and you can definitely get lost in the shuffle. I think he either needs to get really get involved in something (join a club and take a big role in it - like student government) or think about a smaller school.

How is this the answer? Transferring to a smaller school is having to start over again and doesn't solve the social issue that seems to be bothering him because he still needs to find an outlet there too. Caveat - transferring to a school where a friend(s) go.

Transferring anywhere is hard. But at a school with only 2-6K students, it will be easier to find a group that you like. Easier to do activities that interest you and find friends that way. And your major will not have 4K other sophomores in it, so classes will be much smaller---you will see a lot of the same people in all your courses or at TA/Office hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP. I don't think men can escape drinking culture at college. Unless you're at very specific schools like BYU or in some sort of special club. Maybe he should focus on the one frat that's academic enough and see if it works out, and if not, that's o.k. Also, despite the weird vibes, people do drop out of frats if they don't work out.

Regarding running...I understand there are many physiological benefits for the people who really like all the track sports. That is good to get back into that. Good plan!

Maybe your kid could get a job at college? Something where young people work, to see if it helps? What if he offered to be a research assistant in the history department? Maybe he professor would have ideas on how he could fit in better with the staff/befriend the grad students (if any).

A 3.5 is not bad for someone who feels blue. I've known kids who got everything in their lives back in order after utterly trashing freshman year.

But it is much easier to escape the drinking culture at a smaller college, one where 50%+ of the students are NOT involved in greek life. At most Big10 campuses, Greek life is a HUGE part of the social structure.

One of my kids went to a Jesuit school---greek life was not that big. Sure everyone drank and knew how to party, but nothing on the level of Ohio State/Penn State.

Other kid is at a T40, private (non-religious) where only 20-25% of kids are in Greek Life--it's a school where literally 90% of them were Waitlisted at an Ivy/T25 (and many WL at several, some even admitted and chose to attend this school). And the greek life is VERY different from your typical large state school (Big 10 School). Extremely different. My own kid joined a sorority (never thought I'd say that), and it's very different. 50% of her friends who rushed ended up in this sorority. My kid dances---and half the sorority is dancers (not all dance majors but kids who continue their dancing in college), so my kid would be hanging out with these kids even if she didn't rush---these are literally her people. Also, 75% of her sorority is premed, STEM, engineering focused as well. They are known as being one of the nicer and "smarter" sororities on campus. My kid's an engineering major. So she literally found her people---and mainly did it to ensure great housing for sophomore year (it worked, got a Dingle and shared bathroom with just the RA, so 1 bathroom, 2 people and in a large double by herself).
Only 1 or 2 sororities come close to having vibes of what you think of "traditional Rush"---where looks and pedigree are the most important aspects, and focus is more on drinking and partying culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. Maybe encourage him to keep trying grouos. Sounds like faith is a big deal, and he's a non drinker, so maybe join a Bible study or Christian fellowship group or a substance free interest group? Theatre kids are usually inclusive. Always need help with tech, management.

Hang in there.

Thank you!
In order to really answer this, I think I’m just going to say he goes to Madison ( this also answers other posters). Maybe it’s something about Madison being so liberal, but it seems that the Catholic organizations there are pretty conservative. My son was very weirded out by the priests, as well as members of a Catholic organization, who both grumbled about atheists “infiltrating” the Church and other nonsense which neither me or my son is amused by. So basically, he became further isolated from them too. He still goes to church, but only when he comes home ( only an hour and twenty away).

So really, I think he needs to find a kind of community he has in high school ( which, btw, was all boys). A big part of this would be spending a lot of time with a smaller amount of people to get to know them. The tricky thing is, though, my son’s abstinence from drinking and I think that has made him hesitant to go to many parties with people he’s met in class or a club. I just don’t know if Madison is designed for a kid like my son? But, given the cheapness of the tuition, I really can’t see another viable option. A small midwestern college like st Olaf or Oberlin may be nice, but it’s probably too expensive ( we’re in the middle income bracket where we can comfortably afford in-state tuition, but private school tuition just can’t be an option). I’ve also heard transfer students get much worse financial aid.

Madison is similar to most Big10 Schools (in the Midwest). If you live 90 mins away (I'm guessing you don't live 90 mins away in Milwaukee), it shouldn't be a big shock that it was like this. There will always be a very large party faction. If he's religious, then he should keep searching/trying different clubs and places of worship. Most colleges have non-denominational services or groups that attend a "christian non-denominational church" as a group weekly. Join a volunteer organization--a habitat for humanity type group. Think of groups that might have people who are not major partiers all the time (or that are at least supportive of others and differences).

[Anonymous]

He has been unhappy at his current school for almost a year. This isn’t going away and will only get worse. It is not a huge deal to come home, take time off or go to CC while he looks to transfer. I feel strongly that city schools are very solid fits for kids like yours (I have a similar son). They are much busier without the campus feel that become burdensome for many. Lots of kids transfer. Let him lead the way on this and support his decision.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely have him look at all the fraternities- service probably. It really is an automatic built in social group.