Son (20) can fit in at large state school. Advice?
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Anonymous
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Hello all,
My son is just starting his sophomore year at a large well regarded big 10 university. We both agreed that it was a good school, and he seemed to be excited before freshman year and after Christmas break. During Christmas, he acknowledged he was feeling a bit lonely, but simply dismissed it as being “it’s only freshman year” kinda thing, to which I agreed. Then second semester came around, and the whole loneliness thing didn’t really go away; but, he tried a totally new extracurricular that semester so he blamed that. Well, since he started his sophomore year( only three days ago), he’s become VERY depressed and completely isolated. He’s living in a single dorm right now, as he did last year. He chose that for himself freshman year, because he was an only child and felt more comfortable sleeping alone. But, with this big college, you needed to choose your next-year housing arrangements literally the next month after you move in so he just stuck with that. Now he’s living in a single with little genuine friends in college and feels very lost, socially and academically. I’m frankly deeply worried about him, because he can be very social if he’s with the right people. To be clear, he has many friends still from high school. His best friend actually was a year younger than him, but he just started at another college ( got rejected unfortunately). He was VERY happy during summer break: he’d work at his job and then bike over to see his friends and it seemed all was well…until college seemed to shock him again. We sent him to a catholic High School, where all the kids liked to hang out and play sports, but not do drugs or drink. He says he feels like he can’t fit in with anyone, because even the Catholic kids will frequently drink and stay up way too late on weekdays. So, please, what do I do?? We’ve really talked this over a lot and, while he wasn’t that communicative as a freshman, we’re talking for hours over these last few days. I don’t know if a smaller college will be better for him. He’s deeply scared it’s already too late for him and then no college will accept him as a transfer etc etc. I don’t know if that’s true and, if it’s not true, what small college would be a good fit with a decently high acceptance rate. I really don’t want to give away the name of the college in this, so I think I’ve conveyed enough. |
Anonymous
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Taking a semester off is not the end of the world. Missing a year of college is not the end of the world. You need to realize this and you need to tell him this. You don’t mess around.
My nephew came anyone for a semester with depression. He went back to a different school. I know so many kids in re don’t years who have transferred or had to take a Md gal health break. There is zero shame and really the whole age 18-22 4-year thing is not a huge deal these days. He had his entire life ahead of him. A gap year, time off to get his mental health in order is vital. It’s scary what is happening to kids and mental health these days. Trust your gut. |
Anonymous
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* recent years
* mental health break |
Anonymous
| I don't think it's too late to transfer. But in the meantime, sign up for some intramural sports so he can meet teammates. Can he go out with friends that are drinking but not drink himself? And not stay out late...or choose to join them on weekends? Also look for some other clubs, like outdoors groups that will take hiking trips or go rock climbing, maybe groups that do things like watch films, or clubs that "run" social events (on campus speakers, concerts etc,). These will get him out and speaking with people, meeting them....but get on the transfer right away and see whether any schools that are smaller and have his major will take January transfer applications. |
Anonymous
| I went to a big 10 school. It can be very lonely if you don’t meet your people and you can definitely get lost in the shuffle. I think he either needs to get really get involved in something (join a club and take a big role in it - like student government) or think about a smaller school. |
Anonymous
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Transferring is not the answer. Wherever he goes there he is. He needs to get out of the single room situation. Sounds like situational 'depression'.
His job this semester is to get involved in activities on campus. And smile but don't be over eager. |
Anonymous
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Does he like politics? He could volunteer with College Dems etc.
He could look into studying abroad next semester while his transfer applications are pending. Of course it can be hard to make friends as a transfer but maybe he would make friends with other transfers |
Anonymous
How is this the answer? Transferring to a smaller school is having to start over again and doesn't solve the social issue that seems to be bothering him because he still needs to find an outlet there too. Caveat - transferring to a school where a friend(s) go. |
Anonymous
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He needs to find a community.
He should join 2 clubs this semester. Maybe professional fraternities. He should prioritize taking smaller classes and see if he can invite any classmates for study sessions or coffee. Another possibility is to do some volunteering that's socially beneficial. Is there any musical ensemble he could join? Maybe online dating? Consider talking to an RA or the mental health services center to get locally relevant ideas. It's never too late to take a gap year or transfer. But one needs to make sure the issues were really place-linked. Coming home might not be a bad idea. I switched from one big state school to another after freshman year. Rural to urban, shared room to single, didn't find friends to easy to find friends. And I could go home on weekends much easier. It all turned around in one year. |
Anonymous
Yes thank you for the response. A couple things ( and this is also to everyone’s responses). 1. He is already decently close to home: like an hour and 20 away. He’s coming home for this weekend. 2. He really hit a social gridlock this semester after he started rushing for frats. With all except one, he got the vibe that frats drink too much and aren’t academic. 3. He did some extra curricular’s freshman year, but some of the wrong ones for him. A big mistake was doing debate, because the team ended up being toxic to him spring semester. 4. While he spends a lot of time in his room, it’s not like he has no friends. He has a nice group of sophomores who also live in the dorm which he hangs out with every other day. But, everyone lives in singles so they are all introverted. His closest friends are still from high school. So my resolution, as a parent, is to say that. A.) Frats might not be for you and that’s ok B.) He needs to do extracurriculars he likes, not ones that he thinks would look good on a resume ( what he was doing last year). He was a four year varsity track/cc athlete in high school, and for the first time he’s trying running club this semester ( but we’re only four days in so I don’t know how’s it going yet). C.) If he does want to transfer, I think a small Catholic college like holy cross would be best. BUT, I’m not sure if he has the grades for it. He did well in high school (4.00 uw/ 5APs/1350 sat) and pretty well first semester of college (3.67 gpa). He was doing well at the start of spring semester, but tanked in his final exams after the loneliness finally caught up with him. So he has a 3.5 now. The one upshot is that his best class second semester, a history class, really upgraded his writing skills. He loved the class and befriended the professor, and one big regret about transferring would be leaving the opportunity to do a senior thesis with him. He’s a history major ( and I got a PhD in history), so he was already very gifted in writing, but this summer I read some of his essays and they were just phenomenal. BUT, I’m hoping that him doing well this semester plus his essay writing might get him into holy cross as a junior? |
Anonymous
| If he doesn't want a drinking culture, no, a small catholic college is not the right choice. |
Anonymous
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PP. I don't think men can escape drinking culture at college. Unless you're at very specific schools like BYU or in some sort of special club. Maybe he should focus on the one frat that's academic enough and see if it works out, and if not, that's o.k. Also, despite the weird vibes, people do drop out of frats if they don't work out.
Regarding running...I understand there are many physiological benefits for the people who really like all the track sports. That is good to get back into that. Good plan! Maybe your kid could get a job at college? Something where young people work, to see if it helps? What if he offered to be a research assistant in the history department? Maybe he professor would have ideas on how he could fit in better with the staff/befriend the grad students (if any). A 3.5 is not bad for someone who feels blue. I've known kids who got everything in their lives back in order after utterly trashing freshman year. |
Anonymous
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Pepperdine
Olaf If he is looking to transfer. My heart goes out to you OP, my son who is a senior in Hs is very similar and I think it is a struggle for these kinds of boys. |
Anonymous
| Does he socialize? If he is at a large state school, Saturday football games are probably big events. Not drinking isn’t a big deal unless you make it that way. I would continue to push extra curriculars and not necessarily academic clubs. |
Anonymous
| He should get an on campus job. It's another good way to meet people and be social. |