Son (20) can fit in at large state school. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother who didn’t like the drinking culture at UVA joined a service fraternity and loved it so much he recommended it to his daughters another another big state school. Co-ed frat. It was a great experience and they all met really nice kids who care more about community than partying.

This would be a much better option than a regular fraternity

[Anonymous]

I think sticking it out and getting more involved is best particularly because he is so close by.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should find him a therapist. That person can provide support and boost his self esteem while he’s building his social network, and also evaluate him for depression.

I also think that creating and building relationships is a major life skill and that it sounds like he needs to develop that more. I don’t think that transferring to another school is going to do that. It may be that transferring is the appropriate decision at some point, but for now I think he needs to work on making his current school work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is probably a Catholic students group on campus. He could start there.

+1 Great suggestion.

OP: The school location might be important for two reasons:

Too close to home so easy to resist growing socially;

Might suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) which is not obvious at home due to being around family & familiar friends.

Had to lol at an above post that suggested that multiple cafeterias might aggravate the feeling of isolation/loneliness. Try eating alone in the sole cafeteria at a small school. Will not only be hyper aware of his loneliness, but will also be a spectacle subject to ridicule.

What is your son's preferred major ?

Being a non-drinker can be an issue during one's freshman year as well as first semester sophomore year, but as students get more involved in their majors, drinking becomes a less significant factor.

OP: My best guess is that the size of the school has little to do with your son's loneliness and feelings of isolation. He is experiencing growing pains. The problem is your son--not the school. Your son's maturity level and social skills need to be developed further. Transferring might help as a fresh start with no bad memories, but it could also highlight his lack of maturity and lack of social skills. Ironically, your son is not alone with respect to his feelings of loneliness and isolation.

If at a Big Ten school, there is no need to keep the school name a secret as it is highly unlikely to out him.

What does your son want to study ? What are your son's interests ? Any career in mind ?

[Anonymous]

He needs a girlfriend with an active social group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you should find him a therapist. That person can provide support and boost his self esteem while he’s building his social network, and also evaluate him for depression.

I also think that creating and building relationships is a major life skill and that it sounds like he needs to develop that more. I don’t think that transferring to another school is going to do that. It may be that transferring is the appropriate decision at some point, but for now I think he needs to work on making his current school work.

I know a couple boys who had disastrous experiences at large schools (Penn State) and several students for whom transferring made a big difference in their happiness. It’s not just the size and ability to fall through the cracks, it’s the vibe and the kids and coming in with a fresh mindset: the whole thing. I also think it’s valuable in life to realize that sometimes despite your best efforts a situation isn’t working and to try something new.

[Anonymous]

OP: Consider William & Mary. A bit more nerdy & less alcohol centric social activities. Great for History majors.

I reread your second long post in this thread. Your son has friends and activities, but he is homesick. Too close to home & still hanging out with friends from high school when at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should get an on campus job. It's another good way to meet people and be social.

This is a great suggestion, but most campus jobs require you to be on financial aid.

No, that's not true at all. I'm a university professor and department chair. Most of our on-campus student jobs are -not- associated with work-study or financial need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't want a drinking culture, no, a small catholic college is not the right choice.

Agree! OP seems to have the idea that Catholics don't drink based on her kid's experience at his Catholic high school. This is not at all true at all Catholic high schools and certainly not at Catholic colleges.

[Anonymous]

My college kid can tend toward depression and several things have helped.

—A club that involves spending a lot of in-person time together with people (think play performance, intramural sport, etc)

—A job that has you working with others (I worked in catering at my big 10.)

To make friends, you need a reason to gather on a regular basis with others in person, and the above will support that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he swim ??

The campus indoor pools always need lifeguards. Take the cert class (it’s easy and short who knows you might get credits). It’s usually a big group of guards.

This is ideal. The job is not very taxing and a position of authority. Looks good for dating. Large schools have multiple pools and a large bullpen of guards.

[Anonymous]

Also have him look into the “after dark” programming a lot of big schools have.

This programming is designed to offer activities that don’t center on drugs and alcohol.

At different schools, the program usually incorporates the mascot in the name—

Bears After Dark, Vikings After Dark, and so on.

Here’s an example of the UMD program:

https://terpsafterdark.umd.edu/

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Maybe encourage him to keep trying grouos. Sounds like faith is a big deal, and he's a non drinker, so maybe join a Bible study or Christian fellowship group or a substance free interest group? Theatre kids are usually inclusive. Always need help with tech, management.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Is there a Neumann club? Agree service organization and jobs would be good for him. Running club or intramural sports might be another option.

I wish more colleges had house dorm set up and no frat culture.

Good luck to DS!

[Anonymous]

I agree with many suggestions made. I was very shy and joined a co-ed service fraternity (Alpha Phi Omega @ VT) and met a great group of people.

I have a freshman at JMU and she seems similar to your son. She has really focused on attending the open houses where all the organizations have a booth and you learn of different opportunities. She has found friends in:
-Co-ed service frat (Alpha Phi Omega @ JMU)
-Christian small group (~10 girls). This is designed to be a ready made group of friends
-Study groups
-Honors Program activities
-Considering being a volunteer dispatcher for sober rides

Sophomore is very early in the journey and many organizations are looking for people to join.