Son (20) can fit in at large state school. Advice?
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Anonymous
| Agree with other posters that transferring or taking a semester off could be a good possibility, but in the meantime I’d encourage your son to try out some campus activities. How does your son feel about community service? Those can be really active and welcoming groups. |
Anonymous
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Can he swim ??
The campus indoor pools always need lifeguards. Take the cert class (it’s easy and short who knows you might get credits). It’s usually a big group of guards. |
Anonymous
If it’s UMD I can give you a lead |
Anonymous
This is a great suggestion, but most campus jobs require you to be on financial aid. |
Anonymous
| I think single rooms make the social aspects of college so much more difficult. |
Anonymous
| If he's a rule follower and social, he could consider becoming an RA next year. That's a pretty built in social network. |
Anonymous
| running clubs have big hearts ime. and a lot of people join expressly for social interaction - so it's a lot of going to the pub after a run. he should get comfortable going to the pub even if he doesn't drink or drink much (I say this as a sober person who had to get over drinking a Diet Coke at a bar - you realize nobody cares) |
Anonymous
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You're getting great suggestions here OP. I'll pile on - I was miserable during the second semester of my freshman year at a medium-sized school (10k undergrads, 10k grads.) I was determined to transfer and planned to go abroad second semester of sophomore year. When I got back that fall, I made a second attempt at an extracurricular that I had tried and not clicked with my freshman year. It ended up being a life-changing experience for me. It took some time, but I decided not to go abroad second semester and then to stick around.
All that is to say, it can turn around for your DS. Encourage him to try new opportunities, even ones that he may have tried last year. I now have a college junior at a SLAC and we nudged him in that direction in part because I remembered feeling so lost when I would go to one of the many cafeterias at my university and sit alone for every meal. That doesn't happen at a SLAC. But it still can be hard. My DS doesn't drink and he's not on a school sports team, which I've heard can be a bit isolating. He's naturally very social and has found club teams and other groups of friends. I wanted to second the recommendation to consider campaign activity - all the campaigns are desperate for volunteers this fall and it's a great professional opportunity for a history major as well. My DS volunteered this summer with a Senate campaign and after a few weeks they offered him a FT job! Good luck OP to you and your DS. Fwiw our friend's kid just transferred as a junior from a big 10 to a top SLAC so that's also a real option. |
Anonymous
This depends on the school. There may also be off campus jobs that are essentially equivalent to an on campus position if very close to the university. There are also skilled jobs, e.g., life guard, research assistant, TA, trainer, etc, that aren't based on financial aid. |
Anonymous
| My brother who didn’t like the drinking culture at UVA joined a service fraternity and loved it so much he recommended it to his daughters another another big state school. Co-ed frat. It was a great experience and they all met really nice kids who care more about community than partying. |
Anonymous
IME, with a kid at big state U, they are begging for people to work dining services. Anyone can get a job there. Yes, more desirable office type jobs likely go to work-study students. But my non-work-study kid got a TA job in 2nd semester sophomore year from doing well in a class and having a good relationship with the professor. It sounds like he's got the start of some good things -- running club, a few friends, a good relationship with a professor. That's great! I would not encourage transfer at this point where he'd be back to starting from scratch. I'd say... 1. He needs to see a counselor for the depression. 2. Get a job so he has one more place to consistently get to know people and something that gets him out of his room 3. Try out other groups with an aim of being active in at least one other thing. If he liked the idea of a fraternity one thing to look into is some colleges have a coed service "fraternity", Alpha Phi Omega that might be a fit. 4. Encourage him to watch Harlan Cohen on YouTube. He talks a lot about the realities of how difficult the social stuff can be in college with practical advice on dealing with it https://youtube.com/@helpmeharlan |
Anonymous
| There is probably a Catholic students group on campus. He could start there. |
Anonymous
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Is the on-campus mental health counseling any good and if so has your son spoken to someone there? There are a lot of emotions around feeling like you don’t fit in and having tried different things that haven’t worked out. For my kid, it helped talking to someone that wasn’t their parent.
As for activities, the key will be finding some that have a social component or something that is collaborative vs competitive where they are spending enough time consistently that people get to know each other. A campus job that has several students working together, community service, religious or affinity group, a professional fraternity (these likely are co-ed). Also having a physical outlet like running and maybe try something new that is coed and has a social component like climbing club or some sort of dance that takes beginners. Also, I would encourage him not to study in his room (if that’s what he does). My kid had a single when their roommate moved out second semester and it definitely made it harder because they really didn’t have to leave their room other than classes. Before, they would have to block off time when they would go to the library or other study spot - which helped with being more disciplined in their work and increased the opportunities to run into people they knew and have casual conversations. Good luck to your son. |
Anonymous
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My nephew was in a nearly identical situation a couple years ago, including the single dorm room and a robust set of high school friends. He ended up coming home and doing a year of community college after freshman year before transferring to the state flagship where many of his high school friends (who he stayed in touch with) were.
Sounds like he's doing the right things - running club, etc. But I think you also need to let him know that it's okay if he ends up taking a different path and you could evaluate that together over Christmas break (and taking a semester or year off before transferring is okay). There's so much build up that college is going to be great and it isn't for some kids - or takes awhile to get there. |
Anonymous
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