I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her that your morning routine is changed and that you won’t be able to pick up her son anymore.

As an aside, I have a feeling you’re also resentful because she presented as only needing help because the baby was sleeping. They either weren’t being truthful from the beginning or now that the baby is awake they no longer need your help, but are still taking your help. I get it.

What would your feelings have been if they asked for help driving am without having added the sleeping baby etc.?

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, people. OP was helping when there were exigent circumstances, but obviously that pressing need isn't as pressing.

Do you all just see everyone else as supporting cast for you? The deal is we ask for help when we need it, but we don't impose if we don't need it (unless it's a trade-off thing, or your very good friend, or something).

it is absolutely a-okay for OP to politely decline to continue this. I doubt everyone in this thread says yes to everything other people might ask -- if you do, then people likely avoid asking you for small annoying things, for whatever reason.

And OP still gets to lean on her community when in dire need. This is obviously not dire need.

Yes they do.

A family who does this is always going to want more. If OP continues to do this they will conclude "cool she doesn't have anything going on -- we can call on her in the future when it's convenient for us again."

OP is being used.

BTW: why can't either parent do the school run. So they both have jobs without the flexibility to take their kid to school AND they have grandma to take care of the younger two. Sounds like they need to get more realistic about what it means to have kids. I have turned down jobs because they involved travel or hours that just don't work with kids. That's life. If you are wealthy I guess you can always hire help for this kind of thing. But I would never assume a neighbor (just a neighbor! these people aren't really even friends) would step in to ensure I could keep my demanding job. What if OP would love to take a job with longer hours but she and her spouse know someone needs a flexible schedule as long as they have young kids.

OP can open her mouth and say no. You are spinning out a scenario where the neighbor now has some sort of indentured servant in OP when OP has complete agency in what she is willing to do.

The neighbor asked. OP said yes. Now OP wants to say no. She will have to be a grown-up and figure how to do that. She isn’t a victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have an extra car seat in your car for this kid?

No, I don’t, but it’s not required at six.

Are you in MD? If so, yes it is.
All children under 8 years old must use an appropriate child passenger restraint device unless they are 4’9″ or taller.

[Anonymous]

It is hard to understand exactly OP's problem here, because I don't think OP knows her problem.

Is the problem that the baby was awake today, so OP feels used?

Or is the problem that the grandma helped buckle the child up the first week but not later?

Or is the problem that OP just over-committed and is now feeling angry and projecting at this family?

If she can identify the issue, maybe we can give better advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

Help is help. This is an ongoing taking advantage.

Do you ask for favors with that mouth?

Nooo, help comes in many forms. The problem here is that the OP and the neighbor were not clear with each other regarding what the agreement was. OP needs to say no if she doesn’t want to do it. Be clear.

And you sound lovely, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have an extra car seat in your car for this kid?

No, I don’t, but it’s not required at six.

Are you in MD? If so, yes it is.
All children under 8 years old must use an appropriate child passenger restraint device unless they are 4’9″ or taller.

Actually it looks like MD, DC, and VA all require something for under 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, people. OP was helping when there were exigent circumstances, but obviously that pressing need isn't as pressing.

Do you all just see everyone else as supporting cast for you? The deal is we ask for help when we need it, but we don't impose if we don't need it (unless it's a trade-off thing, or your very good friend, or something).

it is absolutely a-okay for OP to politely decline to continue this. I doubt everyone in this thread says yes to everything other people might ask -- if you do, then people likely avoid asking you for small annoying things, for whatever reason.

And OP still gets to lean on her community when in dire need. This is obviously not dire need.

Yes they do.

A family who does this is always going to want more. If OP continues to do this they will conclude "cool she doesn't have anything going on -- we can call on her in the future when it's convenient for us again."

OP is being used.

BTW: why can't either parent do the school run. So they both have jobs without the flexibility to take their kid to school AND they have grandma to take care of the younger two. Sounds like they need to get more realistic about what it means to have kids. I have turned down jobs because they involved travel or hours that just don't work with kids. That's life. If you are wealthy I guess you can always hire help for this kind of thing. But I would never assume a neighbor (just a neighbor! these people aren't really even friends) would step in to ensure I could keep my demanding job. What if OP would love to take a job with longer hours but she and her spouse know someone needs a flexible schedule as long as they have young kids.

OP can open her mouth and say no. You are spinning out a scenario where the neighbor now has some sort of indentured servant in OP when OP has complete agency in what she is willing to do.

The neighbor asked. OP said yes. Now OP wants to say no. She will have to be a grown-up and figure how to do that. She isn’t a victim.

Maybe you missed that she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, people. OP was helping when there were exigent circumstances, but obviously that pressing need isn't as pressing.

Do you all just see everyone else as supporting cast for you? The deal is we ask for help when we need it, but we don't impose if we don't need it (unless it's a trade-off thing, or your very good friend, or something).

it is absolutely a-okay for OP to politely decline to continue this. I doubt everyone in this thread says yes to everything other people might ask -- if you do, then people likely avoid asking you for small annoying things, for whatever reason.

And OP still gets to lean on her community when in dire need. This is obviously not dire need.

Yes I think people are downplaying this, but 10 min/day = 50 min/week which is close to 4 hours/month or the equivalent of almost an entire workweek over the span of 10 months. As a working mom u don’t have that much time to give someone else for their “convenience.”

It’s one thing to trade your own convenience to help someone undergoing cancer treatment or something. But I wouldn’t commit to trading my own morning convenience for someone else’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can it be a carpool? So you do the three days she’s working, and she picks up your son on the other two days? This way you both get benefit from the arrangement?

They have no room in their cars. Grandma and mom drive sedans.

But if the 2 younger kids are home then they are just driving 1 kid to school, can they not fit one more kid? Or in theory 2 more kids since they should be set up to tote around 3?

As a mom of 3 I purposefully got a minivan so I could drive around my own kids + friends. I didn’t want to be in a position of not having room for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to understand exactly OP's problem here, because I don't think OP knows her problem.

Is the problem that the baby was awake today, so OP feels used?

Or is the problem that the grandma helped buckle the child up the first week but not later?

Or is the problem that OP just over-committed and is now feeling angry and projecting at this family?

If she can identify the issue, maybe we can give better advice.

No I think the issue is quite obvious.

OP agreed to help when this was presented as a difficult situation with an infant at home -- the school run conflicts with morning nap and we don't want to wake the baby up. OP specifically was responding to the concern about not waking the baby and agreed to help with that.

But now not only is the baby awake but also the behavior of the family indicates they just view OP as their son's permanent ride to school. That is not how it was presented to OP. It's a bait and switch.

And it's important OP say something now to end it because the longer she does it the more the other famiily thinks it's no big deal for her. If she speaks up now and says "hey I really wanted to help because I know it's tough with infant sleep schedules but we're struggling with this schedule so I think I can only do it through the middle of September" or whatever then there will be no hard feelings. If OP keeps it up for months getting more and more annoyed the family will become reliant on her and it will get harder to extricate herself without causing offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, people. OP was helping when there were exigent circumstances, but obviously that pressing need isn't as pressing.

Do you all just see everyone else as supporting cast for you? The deal is we ask for help when we need it, but we don't impose if we don't need it (unless it's a trade-off thing, or your very good friend, or something).

it is absolutely a-okay for OP to politely decline to continue this. I doubt everyone in this thread says yes to everything other people might ask -- if you do, then people likely avoid asking you for small annoying things, for whatever reason.

And OP still gets to lean on her community when in dire need. This is obviously not dire need.

Yes they do.

A family who does this is always going to want more. If OP continues to do this they will conclude "cool she doesn't have anything going on -- we can call on her in the future when it's convenient for us again."

OP is being used.

BTW: why can't either parent do the school run. So they both have jobs without the flexibility to take their kid to school AND they have grandma to take care of the younger two. Sounds like they need to get more realistic about what it means to have kids. I have turned down jobs because they involved travel or hours that just don't work with kids. That's life. If you are wealthy I guess you can always hire help for this kind of thing. But I would never assume a neighbor (just a neighbor! these people aren't really even friends) would step in to ensure I could keep my demanding job. What if OP would love to take a job with longer hours but she and her spouse know someone needs a flexible schedule as long as they have young kids.

OP can open her mouth and say no. You are spinning out a scenario where the neighbor now has some sort of indentured servant in OP when OP has complete agency in what she is willing to do.

The neighbor asked. OP said yes. Now OP wants to say no. She will have to be a grown-up and figure how to do that. She isn’t a victim.

Maybe you missed that she is.

She’s saying it to us and asking us what she should do.

She should say it to the neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

Help is help. This is an ongoing taking advantage.

Do you ask for favors with that mouth?

Nooo, help comes in many forms. The problem here is that the OP and the neighbor were not clear with each other regarding what the agreement was. OP needs to say no if she doesn’t want to do it. Be clear.

And you sound lovely, BTW.

I believe the word was "nasty." That's PP's (your?) word, not mine. I don't use it to describe people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, people. OP was helping when there were exigent circumstances, but obviously that pressing need isn't as pressing.

Do you all just see everyone else as supporting cast for you? The deal is we ask for help when we need it, but we don't impose if we don't need it (unless it's a trade-off thing, or your very good friend, or something).

it is absolutely a-okay for OP to politely decline to continue this. I doubt everyone in this thread says yes to everything other people might ask -- if you do, then people likely avoid asking you for small annoying things, for whatever reason.

And OP still gets to lean on her community when in dire need. This is obviously not dire need.

Yes I think people are downplaying this, but 10 min/day = 50 min/week which is close to 4 hours/month or the equivalent of almost an entire workweek over the span of 10 months. As a working mom u don’t have that much time to give someone else for their “convenience.”

It’s one thing to trade your own convenience to help someone undergoing cancer treatment or something. But I wouldn’t commit to trading my own morning convenience for someone else’s.

No, it’s 30 mins/wk. Keep up.