I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to understand exactly OP's problem here, because I don't think OP knows her problem.

Is the problem that the baby was awake today, so OP feels used?

Or is the problem that the grandma helped buckle the child up the first week but not later?

Or is the problem that OP just over-committed and is now feeling angry and projecting at this family?

If she can identify the issue, maybe we can give better advice.

I’m sure it’s a combination of both the baby being awake for a week and a half during pick up time and grandma not helping putting the School age kid in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.

But you knew going in this was never really going to be an emergency situation? It’s not like you didn’t know up front what the situation was.

I just don’t know why people say yes when they really mean no. You want to be seen as helpful and kind, without ever being either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

I have said it twice: I agreed to help pick up the boy so the baby didn’t have to be awakened. But for the past week and today, the baby has been awake when I pick up the boy. So I feel like I was asked to help under false pretenses. The baby has been awake more than not since I started helping so the baby can stay asleep.

[Anonymous]

is your issue that you think you are being taken advantage of or that it is burdensome? If it is the former, cant stand people like you. In either case just say you " i cant " and dont.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

Help is help. This is an ongoing taking advantage.

Do you ask for favors with that mouth?

Nooo, help comes in many forms. The problem here is that the OP and the neighbor were not clear with each other regarding what the agreement was. OP needs to say no if she doesn’t want to do it. Be clear.

And you sound lovely, BTW.

I believe the word was "nasty." That's PP's (your?) word, not mine. I don't use it to describe people.

No, not me and not my word, though, given your response, it may apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

We know from OP's account that her understanding was that this was needed specifically because of the infant's sleep schedule. It doesn't actually matter what the neighbor thought they were agreeing to because OP is the one doing the helping. If OP misunderstood then that is on the neighbor for not being clear. When you ask someone for a favor you need to be clear and specific to avoid just this kind of confusion.

It would be different if OP was deriving any benefit from this arrangement. She's not -- the burden is all on her. She was fine helping with the baby's sleep situation but if that's over she wants to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

This. And moreover, if you are trying to get a permanent childcare solution, don't give reasons that aren't true. Just say it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

I have said it twice: I agreed to help pick up the boy so the baby didn’t have to be awakened. But for the past week and today, the baby has been awake when I pick up the boy. So I feel like I was asked to help under false pretenses. The baby has been awake more than not since I started helping so the baby can stay asleep.

Has the family given you any reason to believe this is a "false pretenses" situation? Isn't it 100x more likely that the baby's schedule has shifted temporarily or in general?

Walking around the world assuming that everyone is lying to you isn't healthy, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

I have said it twice: I agreed to help pick up the boy so the baby didn’t have to be awakened. But for the past week and today, the baby has been awake when I pick up the boy. So I feel like I was asked to help under false pretenses. The baby has been awake more than not since I started helping so the baby can stay asleep.

Then say no.

What is the issue with saying no, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

We know from OP's account that her understanding was that this was needed specifically because of the infant's sleep schedule. It doesn't actually matter what the neighbor thought they were agreeing to because OP is the one doing the helping. If OP misunderstood then that is on the neighbor for not being clear. When you ask someone for a favor you need to be clear and specific to avoid just this kind of confusion.

It would be different if OP was deriving any benefit from this arrangement. She's not -- the burden is all on her. She was fine helping with the baby's sleep situation but if that's over she wants to stop.

And we are only hearing one side of that conversation. Perhaps OP as not clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

I have said it twice: I agreed to help pick up the boy so the baby didn’t have to be awakened. But for the past week and today, the baby has been awake when I pick up the boy. So I feel like I was asked to help under false pretenses. The baby has been awake more than not since I started helping so the baby can stay asleep.

you said it was an "emergency" tho. anyway how did you know to pick up the next day without being told again that the baby was again asleep?

what if the baby despite being awake during this time the last few days is asleep everyday going forward into perpituity at that time?

cant stand people who constantly think they are being taken advantage of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, people. OP was helping when there were exigent circumstances, but obviously that pressing need isn't as pressing.

Do you all just see everyone else as supporting cast for you? The deal is we ask for help when we need it, but we don't impose if we don't need it (unless it's a trade-off thing, or your very good friend, or something).

it is absolutely a-okay for OP to politely decline to continue this. I doubt everyone in this thread says yes to everything other people might ask -- if you do, then people likely avoid asking you for small annoying things, for whatever reason.

And OP still gets to lean on her community when in dire need. This is obviously not dire need.

Yes I think people are downplaying this, but 10 min/day = 50 min/week which is close to 4 hours/month or the equivalent of almost an entire workweek over the span of 10 months. As a working mom u don’t have that much time to give someone else for their “convenience.”

It’s one thing to trade your own convenience to help someone undergoing cancer treatment or something. But I wouldn’t commit to trading my own morning convenience for someone else’s.

No, it’s 30 mins/wk. Keep up.

Okay so 2 hours/month. I still couldn’t give up 2.5 workdays of my life for someone’s else’s convenience when I’m a working mom as well. Especially if I’m in a household with 2 working adults and no grandparent help. With 3 adults and only 1 working FT this family has more flexibility than most. Also I think this family is trying to have it both ways by having free childcare from grandma but grandma isn’t really able to take care of a preschooler and a baby and get another kid to school without logistical help. I have 3 kids and no family help, so I paid for childcare and took a flexible job. Not just cobbled together help for free so I could not have to pay.

[Anonymous]

It’s almost like babies are that predictable in their sleep schedule that OP seems to think the family misrepresented. If baby wakes, then grandma is of course going to get them ready for the day. My child never slept until some exact, predictable time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

I have been taken advantage of too many times to be this simple. I wish it wasn't the case but there are a lot of people who will just test out to see if you are the kind of person who is "helpful" and then will start taking advantage of you to save them time and money. This has happened to me enough times to be very wary of it.

Helping your neighbor is something like "hey I had to take Larlo to urgent care and DH just told me his train is stopped and he doesn't know when it will start -- can you pick up Larla and let her stay at your house until one of us is back." It's not becoming your neighbors permanent childcare solution to save them the trouble of shifting work schedules or hiring help.

Depends. Did OP agree to pick up three days a week for more than just the first few days of school? That would be helping either way - a few days or a few weeks or all year. Helping doesn’t have to be just in emergency situations.

We only have OP’s side of the conversation so we will never know what the understanding was with the neighbor.

I have said it twice: I agreed to help pick up the boy so the baby didn’t have to be awakened. But for the past week and today, the baby has been awake when I pick up the boy. So I feel like I was asked to help under false pretenses. The baby has been awake more than not since I started helping so the baby can stay asleep.

Then say no.

What is the issue with saying no, OP?

No issue at all. I’ll see how it goes the rest of this week, if baby is happily awake when I pick up, and then make my decision. Thanks for your help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is your issue that you think you are being taken advantage of or that it is burdensome? If it is the former, cant stand people like you. In either case just say you " i cant " and dont.

Can't stand people like what? People who don't realize that agreeing to help you in any way means that they are agreeing to help you forever even when the original need has passed. You hate people you can't easily take advantage of I guess.

Also this is de facto burdensome. OP has to go out of her way to pick up the kid. Even if it's just a few minutes every morning it's still a burden. The whole point here is that OP thought she was taking on this burden to help with a need (not wanting to wake the baby) but now it appears to just be a convenience (not wanting grandma to have to load three kids in the car). Why should OP take on a permanent inconvenience in order to spare another family an inconvenience they must have known would be an issue when they had a third kid.

Also I don't think people are understanding the burden of being responsible for someone else's kid every morning. It's not just that OP has to go out of her way. It means that if she is running late one morning then not only is her son late but so is the other kid. Or there may be mornings where OP would be on time except she still has to go pick up the other kid. So now her son is late specifically because she had to pick up this other kid. Also now if OP's son is sick she has to contact this family and let them know she's not taking him to school -- just what you want to do when you are also trying to juggle your own work scheudule and also maybe get your kid into the doctor.

It's actually NOT a small imposition anymore than taking your own kid to school ever day is a small imposition -- it's work.