Blended Family Expenses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's attitude to this young woman is horrifying.

OP, the reason her tuition is high is because your income was taken into account when she applied for aid. If you didn't want your family responsibility for her college you shouldn't have married her father. If you didn't have the resources for 3 kids, you shouldn't have had the younger two.

I was about to post something similar. For all the people saying that step-parents have no financial obligations to college step-kids, be aware that your income is taken into account in those kid's FAFSAs and financial aid decisions. The kids get totally screwed over by parents (step and bio) whose income counts toward expected family contribution but then refuse to pay for college. If you don't want to be financially responsible for someone else's kids, don't marry someone who is already a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's attitude to this young woman is horrifying.

OP, the reason her tuition is high is because your income was taken into account when she applied for aid. If you didn't want your family responsibility for her college you shouldn't have married her father. If you didn't have the resources for 3 kids, you shouldn't have had the younger two.

I was about to post something similar. For all the people saying that step-parents have no financial obligations to college step-kids, be aware that your income is taken into account in those kid's FAFSAs and financial aid decisions. The kids get totally screwed over by parents (step and bio) whose income counts toward expected family contribution but then refuse to pay for college. If you don't want to be financially responsible for someone else's kids, don't marry someone who is already a parent.

LOUDER FOR THOSE IN THE BACK!

This is part of marrying a parent. OP comes off like the evil stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Stepparents are in no way responsible for their stepkids so anything they do is to be decent. Kid has two parents. Kid is living above their means. They don't need a car and car insurance (especially a car with a payment). And, if OP wants to spend money on their kids and themselves they have every right to. This stepkid and spouse sound irresponsible.

Nobody is claiming that the stepmom is legally responsible for stepD. (though try telling that to some colleges.) However, her H is responsible --possibly legally and DEFINITELY morally--to his D. Wife number 2 has NO legal right to determine how much her H pays to support his child vs. their shared children unless she divorces him or legally separates from him in which case a judge will determine how much he has to pay to support her and their kids.

Moreover, when their alleged deal re splitting expenses was entered into, his D was living with him and thus the amount he was willing to pay was probably based in part on how much it cost to feed and house etc. her. Now that she is not living with them, it is entirely reasonable to expect some part of what stepD cost while living with them to be transferred to her expenses living elsewhere and/or for the percentage of their mutual expenses he pays to be reduced. IOW, his share was set with the understanding that he was bringing 2 people into the shared household--himself and his D--while OP was only bringing herself. A readjustment of his share downward may well be warranted.

The support award set by a judge for her and their mutual children could well be less than the amount he has agreed to pay under their allegedly mutually agreed deal--which is highly unlikely to be legally binding. There is a possibility that if they divorced a court would order him to pay less than he is currently paying. We can't tell in part because OP has been very coy as to what that deal is

Whether he is responsible for funding his older D is partly a legal question and partly a moral one.
If he is LEGALLY responsible for paying for his older child X, that obligation supersedes his obligation to his second wife and their children. She knew he had a child when she married him. If he doesn't earn enough to support two families, that's on her for creating a second family with him.If there is a court order or a divorce agreement that says he has to pay certain expenses, he has to pay them. His second wife can't just unilaterally decide his daughter has to work more hours so her dad can pay less to her and more for her and their kids.

Whether or not he is legally obligated to support his 22 year old daughter, he may well be morally obligated. If for example, they discussed how much he would pay towards her support while she was considering colleges and she chose a college based on his promise to pay X amount, then in my opinion, he has a moral obligation to keep his word.

It is NOT a stepmother's right--nor ours--to determine whether or not the 22 year old needs a car or what kind of car she can buy. She may need a car to get to work and/or school. She may have worked hard all summer to pay her share of tuition--by her share I mean what her dad won't pay. It may not have been possible to earn enough to pay for a car AND pay her "share" of tuition.

He is the older girl's father. Her mother is mentally ill and cannot contribute. Wife number 2 is trying to force her H to choose funding her and their mutual children rather than his older daughter. It doesn't sound as if he's being madly generous and spending lavishly on this girl. He's not even paying her full tuition. She does work some during the school year and is covering her lodging and utilities. (For all we know, he cosigned the loan to buy the car in which case he is going to be held legally responsible for paying for it if she can't.)

If OP chooses to divorce H, here's hoping the amount of support she gets is less than he's paying now and that she lives in a state in which her then exH will have no legal obligation to pay anything to the cost of college. Maybe she'll be really lucky and he'll acquire a new girlfriend who will oppose him paying any amount toward the education of their mutual offspring voluntarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

Many marriages have it so that one spouse pays for everything. That's the joint pot.

Income 1 + Income 2 = HHI

HHI - college expenses - family expenses = X

Then X can either be joint savings, or split between the spouses individual savings. Some years X = zero. Those are the lean years. It happens.

Marriage is not always 50-50, whether that means financial contributions or otherwise. OP doesn't like that set up, then yes it's time to divorce. However, that doesn't mean she is going to end up with a larger percentage of X. Divorce is so damn expensive. I'd put up with tution for two more years and work on my marriage.

Might point is that it looks like he's planning on leaving OP based on the following Red Flags:

1. She says: "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse." I would be suspicious of a spouse who previously participated in joint expenses but is now withholding. I don't care what the justifications are - this is a red flag.

2. She says: "There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." Baseless infidelity accusations are often a sign that the accuser is cheating themselves, feeling guilty, and blame-shifting to ease their guilt and move on with another person. Emotional abuse is also a sign that a spouse no longer values you or the marriage.

I understand in a happy blended family (assuming that isn't an oxymoron), your approach makes sense. This does not sound like a happy blended family. It sounds like a blended family that is imploding, and OP should wise up and prepare herself, particularly because the facts suggest he values his first child more than his subsequent children with OP, and provided for them is going to fall mostly on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

I hope you feel the same way about SAHMs who's husbands pay for everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

Many marriages have it so that one spouse pays for everything. That's the joint pot.

Income 1 + Income 2 = HHI

HHI - college expenses - family expenses = X

Then X can either be joint savings, or split between the spouses individual savings. Some years X = zero. Those are the lean years. It happens.

Marriage is not always 50-50, whether that means financial contributions or otherwise. OP doesn't like that set up, then yes it's time to divorce. However, that doesn't mean she is going to end up with a larger percentage of X. Divorce is so damn expensive. I'd put up with tution for two more years and work on my marriage.

Might point is that it looks like he's planning on leaving OP based on the following Red Flags:

1. She says: "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse." I would be suspicious of a spouse who previously participated in joint expenses but is now withholding. I don't care what the justifications are - this is a red flag.

2. She says: "There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." Baseless infidelity accusations are often a sign that the accuser is cheating themselves, feeling guilty, and blame-shifting to ease their guilt and move on with another person. Emotional abuse is also a sign that a spouse no longer values you or the marriage.

I understand in a happy blended family (assuming that isn't an oxymoron), your approach makes sense. This does not sound like a happy blended family. It sounds like a blended family that is imploding, and OP should wise up and prepare herself, particularly because the facts suggest he values his first child more than his subsequent children with OP, and provided for them is going to fall mostly on her.

I disagree with this, but I'm wondering why you think this? What has OP written that makes you think he values one child over the others? Because he pays for a vehicle and cell phone? Should he pay for elementary children to also have vehicles and phones just to make it even?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

I hope you feel the same way about SAHMs who's husbands pay for everything?

SAHMs provide a significant value to marriage and children. I'm not one, but I value their role. Is OP's husband making up for his lack of financial support to the family by doing all the tasks that an SAHM does? If he doesn't, and OP wasn't exaggerating when she said, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse," then it sounds as if her husband has no tangible value to OP or her shared kids. And she claims he's also emotionally abusive, so it's not like there is love or other soft benefits to keep them together. If everything OP claims is true and she's not exaggerating because she's having a bad day, then she needs to face the music.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's attitude to this young woman is horrifying.

OP, the reason her tuition is high is because your income was taken into account when she applied for aid. If you didn't want your family responsibility for her college you shouldn't have married her father. If you didn't have the resources for 3 kids, you shouldn't have had the younger two.

I was about to post something similar. For all the people saying that step-parents have no financial obligations to college step-kids, be aware that your income is taken into account in those kid's FAFSAs and financial aid decisions. The kids get totally screwed over by parents (step and bio) whose income counts toward expected family contribution but then refuse to pay for college. If you don't want to be financially responsible for someone else's kids, don't marry someone who is already a parent.

FAFSA is different than actual responsibility. It sounds like this kid has a heafty tuition bill, along with housing, car insurance, a car payment and more and is not being reasonable or helping at all. College kids should not have car payments, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

I hope you feel the same way about SAHMs who's husbands pay for everything?

SAHMs provide a significant value to marriage and children. I'm not one, but I value their role. Is OP's husband making up for his lack of financial support to the family by doing all the tasks that an SAHM does? If he doesn't, and OP wasn't exaggerating when she said, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse," then it sounds as if her husband has no tangible value to OP or her shared kids. And she claims he's also emotionally abusive, so it's not like there is love or other soft benefits to keep them together. If everything OP claims is true and she's not exaggerating because she's having a bad day, then she needs to face the music.

The quote wasn't about value. It was about paying. So no, SAHMs do not pay for anything, and their WOH husband does. You may disagree with the sentiment, but don't try and dispute the wording.

I posted upthread slightly about the quote from OP - note that it only says "bio kid expenses". Not household expenses. DH could be covering mortgage, cars, investments, utilities and groceries and OP is whining about buying socks and pencils for the kids. She is intentionally not saying what their split is or what they are each responsible for. It's not so black and white to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

Many marriages have it so that one spouse pays for everything. That's the joint pot.

Income 1 + Income 2 = HHI

HHI - college expenses - family expenses = X

Then X can either be joint savings, or split between the spouses individual savings. Some years X = zero. Those are the lean years. It happens.

Marriage is not always 50-50, whether that means financial contributions or otherwise. OP doesn't like that set up, then yes it's time to divorce. However, that doesn't mean she is going to end up with a larger percentage of X. Divorce is so damn expensive. I'd put up with tution for two more years and work on my marriage.

Might point is that it looks like he's planning on leaving OP based on the following Red Flags:

1. She says: "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse." I would be suspicious of a spouse who previously participated in joint expenses but is now withholding. I don't care what the justifications are - this is a red flag.

2. She says: "There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." Baseless infidelity accusations are often a sign that the accuser is cheating themselves, feeling guilty, and blame-shifting to ease their guilt and move on with another person. Emotional abuse is also a sign that a spouse no longer values you or the marriage.

I understand in a happy blended family (assuming that isn't an oxymoron), your approach makes sense. This does not sound like a happy blended family. It sounds like a blended family that is imploding, and OP should wise up and prepare herself, particularly because the facts suggest he values his first child more than his subsequent children with OP, and provided for them is going to fall mostly on her.

I disagree with this, but I'm wondering why you think this? What has OP written that makes you think he values one child over the others? Because he pays for a vehicle and cell phone? Should he pay for elementary children to also have vehicles and phones just to make it even?

OP says her husband pays for the 22-year-old's "car payments, insurance, housing, and part of tuition expenses," and OP is "doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse." Where you spend your money is a reflection of what you value. It's hard to believe OP's husband has a divorce agreement that requires him to pay 100% of what he earns to support his 22-year-old daughter. It sounds more like he's chosen to spend 100% of what he earns to support his 22-year-old (or perhaps hoard it in preparation for a divorce), leaving OP with 100% of the burden of their shared minor children's expenses and possibly his if he's not pitching in at all.

The typical solution for bean counters in blended families is that each person is 100% responsible for their prior children and 50% (or pro rata based on income) accountable for the costs of life with their new spouse, including children they have together. People make accommodations based on circumstances, but this is a guideline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

I hope you feel the same way about SAHMs who's husbands pay for everything?

SAHMs provide a significant value to marriage and children. I'm not one, but I value their role. Is OP's husband making up for his lack of financial support to the family by doing all the tasks that an SAHM does? If he doesn't, and OP wasn't exaggerating when she said, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse," then it sounds as if her husband has no tangible value to OP or her shared kids. And she claims he's also emotionally abusive, so it's not like there is love or other soft benefits to keep them together. If everything OP claims is true and she's not exaggerating because she's having a bad day, then she needs to face the music.

The quote wasn't about value. It was about paying. So no, SAHMs do not pay for anything, and their WOH husband does. You may disagree with the sentiment, but don't try and dispute the wording.

I posted upthread slightly about the quote from OP - note that it only says "bio kid expenses". Not household expenses. DH could be covering mortgage, cars, investments, utilities and groceries and OP is whining about buying socks and pencils for the kids. She is intentionally not saying what their split is or what they are each responsible for. It's not so black and white to me.

I'm the PP. If he's covering half of the household expenses and OP is whining that he's not contributing to the $50 monthly cost of their kids' socks and pencils, then I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

I hope you feel the same way about SAHMs who's husbands pay for everything?

SAHMs provide a significant value to marriage and children. I'm not one, but I value their role. Is OP's husband making up for his lack of financial support to the family by doing all the tasks that an SAHM does? If he doesn't, and OP wasn't exaggerating when she said, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse," then it sounds as if her husband has no tangible value to OP or her shared kids. And she claims he's also emotionally abusive, so it's not like there is love or other soft benefits to keep them together. If everything OP claims is true and she's not exaggerating because she's having a bad day, then she needs to face the music.

The quote wasn't about value. It was about paying. So no, SAHMs do not pay for anything, and their WOH husband does. You may disagree with the sentiment, but don't try and dispute the wording.

I posted upthread slightly about the quote from OP - note that it only says "bio kid expenses". Not household expenses. DH could be covering mortgage, cars, investments, utilities and groceries and OP is whining about buying socks and pencils for the kids. She is intentionally not saying what their split is or what they are each responsible for. It's not so black and white to me.

I'm the PP. If he's covering half of the household expenses and OP is whining that he's not contributing to the $50 monthly cost of their kids' socks and pencils, then I agree.

I have no idea what the actual breakdown is, but the way OP worded it (and hasnt responded to any question regarding it) I'm a bit suspicious. I'm assuming it's not $50 and is probably more, but you never know!

[Anonymous]

You need to face the fact that you were merely the gravy train for the kid that mattered. He used your pregnancy to entrap you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Stepparents are in no way responsible for their stepkids so anything they do is to be decent. Kid has two parents. Kid is living above their means. They don't need a car and car insurance (especially a car with a payment). And, if OP wants to spend money on their kids and themselves they have every right to. This stepkid and spouse sound irresponsible.

Nobody is claiming that the stepmom is legally responsible for stepD. (though try telling that to some colleges.) However, her H is responsible --possibly legally and DEFINITELY morally--to his D. Wife number 2 has NO legal right to determine how much her H pays to support his child vs. their shared children unless she divorces him or legally separates from him in which case a judge will determine how much he has to pay to support her and their kids.

Moreover, when their alleged deal re splitting expenses was entered into, his D was living with him and thus the amount he was willing to pay was probably based in part on how much it cost to feed and house etc. her. Now that she is not living with them, it is entirely reasonable to expect some part of what stepD cost while living with them to be transferred to her expenses living elsewhere and/or for the percentage of their mutual expenses he pays to be reduced. IOW, his share was set with the understanding that he was bringing 2 people into the shared household--himself and his D--while OP was only bringing herself. A readjustment of his share downward may well be warranted.

The support award set by a judge for her and their mutual children could well be less than the amount he has agreed to pay under their allegedly mutually agreed deal--which is highly unlikely to be legally binding. There is a possibility that if they divorced a court would order him to pay less than he is currently paying. We can't tell in part because OP has been very coy as to what that deal is

Whether he is responsible for funding his older D is partly a legal question and partly a moral one.
If he is LEGALLY responsible for paying for his older child X, that obligation supersedes his obligation to his second wife and their children. She knew he had a child when she married him. If he doesn't earn enough to support two families, that's on her for creating a second family with him.If there is a court order or a divorce agreement that says he has to pay certain expenses, he has to pay them. His second wife can't just unilaterally decide his daughter has to work more hours so her dad can pay less to her and more for her and their kids.

Whether or not he is legally obligated to support his 22 year old daughter, he may well be morally obligated. If for example, they discussed how much he would pay towards her support while she was considering colleges and she chose a college based on his promise to pay X amount, then in my opinion, he has a moral obligation to keep his word.

It is NOT a stepmother's right--nor ours--to determine whether or not the 22 year old needs a car or what kind of car she can buy. She may need a car to get to work and/or school. She may have worked hard all summer to pay her share of tuition--by her share I mean what her dad won't pay. It may not have been possible to earn enough to pay for a car AND pay her "share" of tuition.

He is the older girl's father. Her mother is mentally ill and cannot contribute. Wife number 2 is trying to force her H to choose funding her and their mutual children rather than his older daughter. It doesn't sound as if he's being madly generous and spending lavishly on this girl. He's not even paying her full tuition. She does work some during the school year and is covering her lodging and utilities. (For all we know, he cosigned the loan to buy the car in which case he is going to be held legally responsible for paying for it if she can't.)

If OP chooses to divorce H, here's hoping the amount of support she gets is less than he's paying now and that she lives in a state in which her then exH will have no legal obligation to pay anything to the cost of college. Maybe she'll be really lucky and he'll acquire a new girlfriend who will oppose him paying any amount toward the education of their mutual offspring voluntarily.

When you are married all income is shared. It is up to both adults to de use. They cannot afford this and that is the issue. Kid is an adult and needs to get a job or she does not need luxuries like a car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have been in your step-daughters life since she was like 14. Did you contribute to household expenses for the years before you had your own child? Or did DH cover everything entirely? Do you feel no affinity towards her as a step child?

You also don't say what his agreed upon expenses are, are these much higher than yours? Are they 50/50? Proportional to salary? Or is he expected to cover most everything and you just buy fun baby clothes and whatever you want on amazon?

Stepparents are in no way responsible for their stepkids so anything they do is to be decent. Kid has two parents. Kid is living above their means. They don't need a car and car insurance (especially a car with a payment). And, if OP wants to spend money on their kids and themselves they have every right to. This stepkid and spouse sound irresponsible.

OP said that her mom is not in her life due to mental illness. OPs post is dripping with resentment over a child she's known since she was 14! OP is leaving out a LOT of details that are likely relevant. If DH is paying 75% of expenses and OP is paying 25%, and he's asking her to cover an extra 5% it's not unreasonable. There is give and take in marriage, and things aren't always black and white or clear cut.

Or, child can get a job and pay the extra money... why didn't they work over the summer?