Blended Family Expenses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

That’s why you don’t get married. But once you’re married you’re “family” supposedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

That’s why you don’t get married. But once you’re married you’re “family” supposedly.

I guess! Should have had this conversation before they married. Personally, I wouldn't financially stretch myself for my own bio kid to be a lazy bum in college with a newer model car and only working 1 shift a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH is covering the mortgage and property taxes on your house it sounds like he is covering at least 50% of your joint expenses so your OP was very misleading.

Yup. There's a reason she wrote it the way she did. He's covering more than 50%, OP just wants to pay less than 50%.

Her husband probably earns more because she mommy tracked herself raising their two kids. A 50/50 split is not necessarily far, they should pay the same percentage. Sounds like she's doing way more of the housework, as women usually do.

Are you OP? None of this is written here. Do you not think covering the cost for housing, taxes and vehicles as far more than 50%? It sounds like he's keeping all the household bills paid and afloat and OP is still angry. OP pays for activities and clothing.

I have no idea but you're not supposed to be spending more than 1/3 on housing

Again, I don't know the income differential either

Err maybe you mean 1/3 of your income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

That’s why you don’t get married. But once you’re married you’re “family” supposedly.

I guess! Should have had this conversation before they married. Personally, I wouldn't financially stretch myself for my own bio kid to be a lazy bum in college with a newer model car and only working 1 shift a week.

It sounds like both adults have a spending issue and they passed that on to the adult child. It happens more than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

Why are you so gross towards the daughter? She isn't doing anything wrong here. She's going to school and working 1-2 shifts per week. The parents disagree on the degree on support for her, but ultimately it's not her fault and not really appropriate to call her a "princess" or whatever other insults people are throwing at her.

Anyways, you are right, you don't know how much her husband is paying, just that it's the majority of all their family bills. You don't know that her career was mommy tracked, presumably she knew about this child before procreating with her father, so OP should have been aware that his resources as a single dad might be stretched. OP also wrote in a previous post that college savings are being covered for her two bio kids.

Because I know the entitled attitude of lazy college students because I was one. I did something harder than CPA after undergrad and realize how lazy I was as a college kid. Took on debt I didn't need to, etc. I wish somebody was my baddy and put a food up my butt.

Read it again, she works as few as one shift every other week. School is just starting up now, if she was working all summer why are they financially stretched at the end of August?

This was already answered, maybe YOU should read it again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry.

Former stepkid here. It's totally fine when we're kids. When we're teens the stepmoms tolerate us. When we're actual adults with opinions? GTFO. My stepmom said, and I quote, "I never had a problem with you before", when I explained that I couldn't facetime with her and my father in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with my own DH and kids. It was a pretty sad realization, because I thought we were close. Then I realized we got along because I viewed her (and treated her) like a respected adult/parent type and did what she said. When I became an independent person I became something in her way.

OP, I hope you remember this post when your two bio kids are in their early 20's. You will not, and I'd bet my 401K on this, dump them financially nor make them work full time in college. You just won't.

The fact that this is what you want for your H's kid tells me everything I need to know. Now it sounds like your H isn't stepping up for your bio kids either, and I'm sorry about that, that isn't right either. But you signed on for a package deal. Your resentment to your H is 100% playing out on how you feel about his daughter. Your position is understandably hard, but this is why I, and many grown women with stepmoms, think so poorly of them. We're just not your kids, and you make sure we know it. Sorry our dads suck, but that doesn't mean we deserve the shaft.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the stepchild carrying a full courseload? Obviously they are supposed to be studying and writing papers in addition to in-class time. If they are a part-time student that's different.

It's all too common for second wives to not understand what expenses are age-appropriate for older teens and young adults. Housing etc really is horribly expensive. Be sure your perceptions are accurate. It's not realistic to expect the child to earn enough for living expenses while also carrying a full courseload, especially if they are in an expensive area.

I agree. My oldest is in college with a full course load and there is no way he can pay even a quarter of his way, even if he had the time to get a full-time job, which he doesn't. We agreed to this expensive college when we had the money. Now we're facing an unexpected financial crisis (it's a completely crazy issue with our bank) and funds are tight. Temporarily, we hope. It's been very stressful, and under stress, our marriage has not done well. My husband said things he can't take back.

Hang in there, OP. Maybe go over all your finances together and try to find ways to reduce your lifestyle so funds can be re-allocated. This is what we're doing right now. Anything non-essential was cancelled. And obviously, no frivolity for any of you or your children, including the adult stepchild. Tuition and room and board, that's it. He can pay for everything else, like transport (unless he's really far away), clothes, books and occasional treats, with his little jobs. Do not sacrifice retirement or college funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry.

Former stepkid here. It's totally fine when we're kids. When we're teens the stepmoms tolerate us. When we're actual adults with opinions? GTFO. My stepmom said, and I quote, "I never had a problem with you before", when I explained that I couldn't facetime with her and my father in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with my own DH and kids. It was a pretty sad realization, because I thought we were close. Then I realized we got along because I viewed her (and treated her) like a respected adult/parent type and did what she said. When I became an independent person I became something in her way.

OP, I hope you remember this post when your two bio kids are in their early 20's. You will not, and I'd bet my 401K on this, dump them financially nor make them work full time in college. You just won't.

The fact that this is what you want for your H's kid tells me everything I need to know. Now it sounds like your H isn't stepping up for your bio kids either, and I'm sorry about that, that isn't right either. But you signed on for a package deal. Your resentment to your H is 100% playing out on how you feel about his daughter. Your position is understandably hard, but this is why I, and many grown women with stepmoms, think so poorly of them. We're just not your kids, and you make sure we know it. Sorry our dads suck, but that doesn't mean we deserve the shaft.

I'm sorry that happened to you Your step mom sounds very similar to OP.

[Anonymous]

I’d file for divorce. He is a net negative at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it kind of gross that you keep differentiating between your bio kids and your stepkid the way you are, given that stepkid has lived with you full time for years without other parent being involved. At that point, don't you view yourself as a parent with an obligation to help with college expenses the same way I bet you plan to do for your bio kids? Sounds like you are headed to another case of a stepmom who wants to conserve resources for her bio kids, step kids be damned.

If that is the case and op should treat the step child as her own, then she and her husband need to discuss and agree on the expenses they will pay towards their college kid. The same way they would discuss and agree on how to finance their bio childrens’ when the time comes. If he is making unilateral financial decisions for HIS child without her input, that’s *the problem*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry.

Former stepkid here. It's totally fine when we're kids. When we're teens the stepmoms tolerate us. When we're actual adults with opinions? GTFO. My stepmom said, and I quote, "I never had a problem with you before", when I explained that I couldn't facetime with her and my father in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with my own DH and kids. It was a pretty sad realization, because I thought we were close. Then I realized we got along because I viewed her (and treated her) like a respected adult/parent type and did what she said. When I became an independent person I became something in her way.

OP, I hope you remember this post when your two bio kids are in their early 20's. You will not, and I'd bet my 401K on this, dump them financially nor make them work full time in college. You just won't.

The fact that this is what you want for your H's kid tells me everything I need to know. Now it sounds like your H isn't stepping up for your bio kids either, and I'm sorry about that, that isn't right either. But you signed on for a package deal. Your resentment to your H is 100% playing out on how you feel about his daughter. Your position is understandably hard, but this is why I, and many grown women with stepmoms, think so poorly of them. We're just not your kids, and you make sure we know it. Sorry our dads suck, but that doesn't mean we deserve the shaft.

I am not married to a man with kids from a different woman. I think it is abominable and adultery. I brought up three kids with zero help from my mom or my MIL because they were busy with second families. I had complications, PPD, PTSD from one really crappy experience. My 2 year old was just in the hospital with bronchiolitis for 3 days. Zero help.

Here is the hard truth: people treat their own better. Step kids are less likely to be taken to the hospital, more likely to be neglected. People who let their marriage fall apart and/or made bad choices should stay single and concentrate their resources on the kids they already have. 22 year old step child needs to realize the situation she is in and become independent ASAP. So yeah, she needs to pick up more shifts. Life is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry.

Former stepkid here. It's totally fine when we're kids. When we're teens the stepmoms tolerate us. When we're actual adults with opinions? GTFO. My stepmom said, and I quote, "I never had a problem with you before", when I explained that I couldn't facetime with her and my father in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with my own DH and kids. It was a pretty sad realization, because I thought we were close. Then I realized we got along because I viewed her (and treated her) like a respected adult/parent type and did what she said. When I became an independent person I became something in her way.

OP, I hope you remember this post when your two bio kids are in their early 20's. You will not, and I'd bet my 401K on this, dump them financially nor make them work full time in college. You just won't.

The fact that this is what you want for your H's kid tells me everything I need to know. Now it sounds like your H isn't stepping up for your bio kids either, and I'm sorry about that, that isn't right either. But you signed on for a package deal. Your resentment to your H is 100% playing out on how you feel about his daughter. Your position is understandably hard, but this is why I, and many grown women with stepmoms, think so poorly of them. We're just not your kids, and you make sure we know it. Sorry our dads suck, but that doesn't mean we deserve the shaft.

I am not married to a man with kids from a different woman. I think it is abominable and adultery. I brought up three kids with zero help from my mom or my MIL because they were busy with second families. I had complications, PPD, PTSD from one really crappy experience. My 2 year old was just in the hospital with bronchiolitis for 3 days. Zero help.

Here is the hard truth: people treat their own better. Step kids are less likely to be taken to the hospital, more likely to be neglected. People who let their marriage fall apart and/or made bad choices should stay single and concentrate their resources on the kids they already have. 22 year old step child needs to realize the situation she is in and become independent ASAP. So yeah, she needs to pick up more shifts. Life is hard.

P.S. Plenty of people have mommy issues with their biomom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry.

Former stepkid here. It's totally fine when we're kids. When we're teens the stepmoms tolerate us. When we're actual adults with opinions? GTFO. My stepmom said, and I quote, "I never had a problem with you before", when I explained that I couldn't facetime with her and my father in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with my own DH and kids. It was a pretty sad realization, because I thought we were close. Then I realized we got along because I viewed her (and treated her) like a respected adult/parent type and did what she said. When I became an independent person I became something in her way.

OP, I hope you remember this post when your two bio kids are in their early 20's. You will not, and I'd bet my 401K on this, dump them financially nor make them work full time in college. You just won't.

The fact that this is what you want for your H's kid tells me everything I need to know. Now it sounds like your H isn't stepping up for your bio kids either, and I'm sorry about that, that isn't right either. But you signed on for a package deal. Your resentment to your H is 100% playing out on how you feel about his daughter. Your position is understandably hard, but this is why I, and many grown women with stepmoms, think so poorly of them. We're just not your kids, and you make sure we know it. Sorry our dads suck, but that doesn't mean we deserve the shaft.

I am not married to a man with kids from a different woman. I think it is abominable and adultery. I brought up three kids with zero help from my mom or my MIL because they were busy with second families. I had complications, PPD, PTSD from one really crappy experience. My 2 year old was just in the hospital with bronchiolitis for 3 days. Zero help.

Here is the hard truth: people treat their own better. Step kids are less likely to be taken to the hospital, more likely to be neglected. People who let their marriage fall apart and/or made bad choices should stay single and concentrate their resources on the kids they already have. 22 year old step child needs to realize the situation she is in and become independent ASAP. So yeah, she needs to pick up more shifts. Life is hard.

PP/former stepkid here. While it may be in stepkid's best interest to realize her stepmother is not on her team, and act accordingly, she did not write this post. The stepmom did. And my statement stands. Stepmom will likely care for her adult kids in a way she does not want her DH to do now for his own. And yes, this is their problem: "my kid and your kid". In successful blended families, this is what's required.