Blended Family Expenses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have been in your step-daughters life since she was like 14. Did you contribute to household expenses for the years before you had your own child? Or did DH cover everything entirely? Do you feel no affinity towards her as a step child?

You also don't say what his agreed upon expenses are, are these much higher than yours? Are they 50/50? Proportional to salary? Or is he expected to cover most everything and you just buy fun baby clothes and whatever you want on amazon?

Stepparents are in no way responsible for their stepkids so anything they do is to be decent. Kid has two parents. Kid is living above their means. They don't need a car and car insurance (especially a car with a payment). And, if OP wants to spend money on their kids and themselves they have every right to. This stepkid and spouse sound irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely refuse to give money to this adult stepchild who is not even trying to help themselves, and would get my ducks in a row to file for divorce.

I don't know how you get that from this post. If the adult child is a full time student, that workload seems okay.

The child could have worked this summer, and could have paid cash for a cheap car. At 22, they should have graduated college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't let this small financial issue bring down your marriage. And don't make him feel like he has to choose between his child and you.

Divorce is SOOOOOO much more expensive! You lose half your assets and pay much more in overall expenses.

You can make it work.

This argument goes both ways. He'd lose half his assets and pay much more in overall expenses, likely leaving nothing for him to give to his adult child in the end. The solution is not for OP to lay down on this issue. OP is a mother, and most mothers are not willing to turn their young children into martyrs. She's likely not fighting for herself but for her dependent, minor kids and the support they deserve from their father. Her spouse needs to pay his share.

Her spouse also needs to pay his fair share for his daughter. Just because she's a starter family doesn't mean he gets out of paying. It sounds like he had a second family that he can't afford

If they get divorced, he'll be ordered to pay child support and half of the kid's expenses, and he'll be on his own to pay his living expenses. No judge will order him to give his 22-year-old daughter money to cover her cell phone or car expenses. You're probably right that he had no business starting a second family, but what's done is done. He has to support his minor children, period, end of story.

The stepparent is in no way responsible for a 22 year old, let alone one that is not their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have been in your step-daughters life since she was like 14. Did you contribute to household expenses for the years before you had your own child? Or did DH cover everything entirely? Do you feel no affinity towards her as a step child?

You also don't say what his agreed upon expenses are, are these much higher than yours? Are they 50/50? Proportional to salary? Or is he expected to cover most everything and you just buy fun baby clothes and whatever you want on amazon?

Stepparents are in no way responsible for their stepkids so anything they do is to be decent. Kid has two parents. Kid is living above their means. They don't need a car and car insurance (especially a car with a payment). And, if OP wants to spend money on their kids and themselves they have every right to. This stepkid and spouse sound irresponsible.

OP said that her mom is not in her life due to mental illness. OPs post is dripping with resentment over a child she's known since she was 14! OP is leaving out a LOT of details that are likely relevant. If DH is paying 75% of expenses and OP is paying 25%, and he's asking her to cover an extra 5% it's not unreasonable. There is give and take in marriage, and things aren't always black and white or clear cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have been in your step-daughters life since she was like 14. Did you contribute to household expenses for the years before you had your own child? Or did DH cover everything entirely? Do you feel no affinity towards her as a step child?

You also don't say what his agreed upon expenses are, are these much higher than yours? Are they 50/50? Proportional to salary? Or is he expected to cover most everything and you just buy fun baby clothes and whatever you want on amazon?

Stepparents are in no way responsible for their stepkids so anything they do is to be decent. Kid has two parents. Kid is living above their means. They don't need a car and car insurance (especially a car with a payment). And, if OP wants to spend money on their kids and themselves they have every right to. This stepkid and spouse sound irresponsible.

How do you know they are living way above their means? They're a senior which could mean interning. They also work which often involves needing a car to get to work. OP's husband is a POS for having a second family that he can't afford

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't let this small financial issue bring down your marriage. And don't make him feel like he has to choose between his child and you.

Divorce is SOOOOOO much more expensive! You lose half your assets and pay much more in overall expenses.

You can make it work.

This argument goes both ways. He'd lose half his assets and pay much more in overall expenses, likely leaving nothing for him to give to his adult child in the end. The solution is not for OP to lay down on this issue. OP is a mother, and most mothers are not willing to turn their young children into martyrs. She's likely not fighting for herself but for her dependent, minor kids and the support they deserve from their father. Her spouse needs to pay his share.

Her spouse also needs to pay his fair share for his daughter. Just because she's a starter family doesn't mean he gets out of paying. It sounds like he had a second family that he can't afford

If they get divorced, he'll be ordered to pay child support and half of the kid's expenses, and he'll be on his own to pay his living expenses. No judge will order him to give his 22-year-old daughter money to cover her cell phone or car expenses. You're probably right that he had no business starting a second family, but what's done is done. He has to support his minor children, period, end of story.

The stepparent is in no way responsible for a 22 year old, let alone one that is not their child.

Most families who are able to support their children while they are still in college. What your saying is that even though the kid has been in her house since age 14, she's still the step child

[Anonymous]

Seems like the words “blended” and “family” are being used very loosely. It’s the usual his, hers, ours, and mine, when most advantageous. Not a strong family unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

[Anonymous]

I find it kind of gross that you keep differentiating between your bio kids and your stepkid the way you are, given that stepkid has lived with you full time for years without other parent being involved. At that point, don't you view yourself as a parent with an obligation to help with college expenses the same way I bet you plan to do for your bio kids? Sounds like you are headed to another case of a stepmom who wants to conserve resources for her bio kids, step kids be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

OP is leaving out a lot. Spouse could be paying for all the mortgage, cars, utilities, groceries, and OP pays for kids clothing and activities or something. Note that she doesnt say household expenses, or family expenses. "bio kid expenses".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blended/Married for 8 years with two biological elementary aged kids and a 22yo step-child in college. Have separate finances with agreed expenses paid by both spouses. Spouse is determined to cover step-child expenses in college (car payments, insurance, housing, and part
of tuition expenses), but can’t really afford to do so anymore and is constantly asking me to pay some of their fair share of bills. Basically, we’re both struggling financially just to float college expenses. Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse. I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc. I am thinking of separating from my spouse, because of all of these issues….Will going to a marriage counselor help alleviate some of the issues or should I just say “f-it” and file? I am willing to try marriage therapy though.

Will this pass since the stepchild is 22? Or do you anticipate your DH will continue to cover car payments, insurance, and housing into young adulthood? How do you feel about only seeing your biological kids 50% of the time? These are some initial questions.

In my opinion, you should always try therapy before ending a marriage, even if you're pessimistic about its ability to improve things. Do it for yourself so that if you leave, you feel 100% good about the decision and that you gave your marriage your best shot.

In the meantime, some better boundaries should be set and enforced. Depending on the children's expenses, he needs to pay his share of living expenses and your mutual. He can help his adult child with whatever is left over after he covers those costs. If you don't know how to enforce boundaries like that within your marriage, I suggest also seeing an individual therapist. Many women, such as my mom, have zero boundaries in their relationships and get run over by their spouses. You may be part of the problem because you don't know how to set and enforce boundaries in your marriage.

OP—I have firm boundaries in my marriage and will not cover unpaid bills for my spouse (his agreed expenses). The expectation is for him to stop paying these expenses once my step-child graduates from college in two years. They’re on their own from there. I will bring up to marriage counselor that this is a major issue in our marriage and the step-child can work more to cover their living expenses. My spouse was a single parent with sole custody, the other parent has severe mental illness and is not in the picture financially.

You’re kind of terrible.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty typical for parents to cover some expenses for a full-time college student, as going to school is their "job" while they are enrolled. You think the stepkid should be a full-time student and work 3-4 days a week? When do they study and have a college experience? Like PPs have warned, be very careful about the precedent you set here, because if you expect stepkid to work to cover her expenses, you better expect bio kids to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

If you read OP's original post she says, "I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc." What's even crazier than splitting 50/50 is paying for everything. This couple is on their way to a divorce, and OP ought to be thinking now about herself and her little kids as her step-life sounds like it's coming to an end on its own.

Many marriages have it so that one spouse pays for everything. That's the joint pot.

Income 1 + Income 2 = HHI

HHI - college expenses - family expenses = X

Then X can either be joint savings, or split between the spouses individual savings. Some years X = zero. Those are the lean years. It happens.

Marriage is not always 50-50, whether that means financial contributions or otherwise. OP doesn't like that set up, then yes it's time to divorce. However, that doesn't mean she is going to end up with a larger percentage of X. Divorce is so damn expensive. I'd put up with tution for two more years and work on my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blended/Married for 8 years with two biological elementary aged kids and a 22yo step-child in college. Have separate finances with agreed expenses paid by both spouses. Spouse is determined to cover step-child expenses in college (car payments, insurance, housing, and part
of tuition expenses), but can’t really afford to do so anymore and is constantly asking me to pay some of their fair share of bills. Basically, we’re both struggling financially just to float college expenses. Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse. I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc. I am thinking of separating from my spouse, because of all of these issues….Will going to a marriage counselor help alleviate some of the issues or should I just say “f-it” and file? I am willing to try marriage therapy though.

Will this pass since the stepchild is 22? Or do you anticipate your DH will continue to cover car payments, insurance, and housing into young adulthood? How do you feel about only seeing your biological kids 50% of the time? These are some initial questions.

In my opinion, you should always try therapy before ending a marriage, even if you're pessimistic about its ability to improve things. Do it for yourself so that if you leave, you feel 100% good about the decision and that you gave your marriage your best shot.

In the meantime, some better boundaries should be set and enforced. Depending on the children's expenses, he needs to pay his share of living expenses and your mutual. He can help his adult child with whatever is left over after he covers those costs. If you don't know how to enforce boundaries like that within your marriage, I suggest also seeing an individual therapist. Many women, such as my mom, have zero boundaries in their relationships and get run over by their spouses. You may be part of the problem because you don't know how to set and enforce boundaries in your marriage.

OP—I have firm boundaries in my marriage and will not cover unpaid bills for my spouse (his agreed expenses). The expectation is for him to stop paying these expenses once my step-child graduates from college in two years. They’re on their own from there. I will bring up to marriage counselor that this is a major issue in our marriage and the step-child can work more to cover their living expenses. My spouse was a single parent with sole custody, the other parent has severe mental illness and is not in the picture financially.

You’re kind of terrible.

Agree OP sounds awful. This is not a blended family. It's one family. Blended families have a number of other adults contributing.

[Anonymous]

OP's attitude to this young woman is horrifying.

OP, the reason her tuition is high is because your income was taken into account when she applied for aid. If you didn't want your family responsibility for her college you shouldn't have married her father. If you didn't have the resources for 3 kids, you shouldn't have had the younger two.