Blended Family Expenses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blended/Married for 8 years with two biological elementary aged kids and a 22yo step-child in college. Have separate finances with agreed expenses paid by both spouses. Spouse is determined to cover step-child expenses in college (car payments, insurance, housing, and part
of tuition expenses), but can’t really afford to do so anymore and is constantly asking me to pay some of their fair share of bills. Basically, we’re both struggling financially just to float college expenses. Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse. I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc. I am thinking of separating from my spouse, because of all of these issues….Will going to a marriage counselor help alleviate some of the issues or should I just say “f-it” and file? I am willing to try marriage therapy though.

Let me explain to you what is going on here: Your DH has raised the same issue with his DD and she was a b---h to him. Of the two, he thinks you are the bigger door mat and so he's wiping his feet on you. Do what you will with this information. Overall, with the infidelity accusations I would say this marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry.

Former stepkid here. It's totally fine when we're kids. When we're teens the stepmoms tolerate us. When we're actual adults with opinions? GTFO. My stepmom said, and I quote, "I never had a problem with you before", when I explained that I couldn't facetime with her and my father in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with my own DH and kids. It was a pretty sad realization, because I thought we were close. Then I realized we got along because I viewed her (and treated her) like a respected adult/parent type and did what she said. When I became an independent person I became something in her way.

OP, I hope you remember this post when your two bio kids are in their early 20's. You will not, and I'd bet my 401K on this, dump them financially nor make them work full time in college. You just won't.

The fact that this is what you want for your H's kid tells me everything I need to know. Now it sounds like your H isn't stepping up for your bio kids either, and I'm sorry about that, that isn't right either. But you signed on for a package deal. Your resentment to your H is 100% playing out on how you feel about his daughter. Your position is understandably hard, but this is why I, and many grown women with stepmoms, think so poorly of them. We're just not your kids, and you make sure we know it. Sorry our dads suck, but that doesn't mean we deserve the shaft.

I am not married to a man with kids from a different woman. I think it is abominable and adultery. I brought up three kids with zero help from my mom or my MIL because they were busy with second families. I had complications, PPD, PTSD from one really crappy experience. My 2 year old was just in the hospital with bronchiolitis for 3 days. Zero help.

Here is the hard truth: people treat their own better. Step kids are less likely to be taken to the hospital, more likely to be neglected. People who let their marriage fall apart and/or made bad choices should stay single and concentrate their resources on the kids they already have. 22 year old step child needs to realize the situation she is in and become independent ASAP. So yeah, she needs to pick up more shifts. Life is hard.

PP/former stepkid here. While it may be in stepkid's best interest to realize her stepmother is not on her team, and act accordingly, she did not write this post. The stepmom did. And my statement stands. Stepmom will likely care for her adult kids in a way she does not want her DH to do now for his own. And yes, this is their problem: "my kid and your kid". In successful blended families, this is what's required.

Successful blended families are the exception, not the norm. If the adults had enough maturity to pull it off they wouldn't have found themselves single with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it kind of gross that you keep differentiating between your bio kids and your stepkid the way you are, given that stepkid has lived with you full time for years without other parent being involved. At that point, don't you view yourself as a parent with an obligation to help with college expenses the same way I bet you plan to do for your bio kids? Sounds like you are headed to another case of a stepmom who wants to conserve resources for her bio kids, step kids be damned.

If that is the case and op should treat the step child as her own, then she and her husband need to discuss and agree on the expenses they will pay towards their college kid. The same way they would discuss and agree on how to finance their bio childrens’ when the time comes. If he is making unilateral financial decisions for HIS child without her input, that’s *the problem*.

Therein lies the rub. If OP and her DH treated OP's stepdaughter as their own, then OP's DH would listen when she said they couldn't afford to fund a 22-year-old for two more years of full-time college. DH and I told our kids they get four years of college paid for, and then we're cutting the cord. We expect them to do their part and graduate in 4 years, and we're not making exceptions. That is not the case here, though. OP's DH makes unilateral decisions with marital funds. OP should leave for the factors she listed (baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, the fact that her DH is effectively mooch as he relates to OP and their minor children), or if she stays, she needs firm boundaries because they simply do not have the type of romantic marriage where they can have one pot and make financial decisions based on mutual respect - her DH does whatever he damn well wants. It's up to OP to create firm boundaries, including only paying her portion of their shared expenses for each other and their mutual kids, or continue to get walked all over like a doormat.

[Anonymous]

OP, doesn’t sound like you can afford the investment property. You make it sound like you are married to a dead beat, none of us really know the answer, nor care. Make an accurate spreadsheet, figure out if you and kids will be better off married or divorced.

[Anonymous]

DH makes unilateral decisions with marital funds.

OP has made it clear that there are NO marital funds. She keeps her money; he keeps his. They share expenses according to some arrangement they negotiated when they got married. That agreement is almost certainly not legally enforceable.

She is angry because H is not paying the percentage of their expenses they previously agreed upon. Evil stepmom has decided this is because her H is paying too much for his child from a previous marriage. So, she has decided that she should be able to force her H to pay less for his child so she doesn't have to spend as much of her money on their kids and joint expenses.

IMO, she's wrong. She can tell her H she can't take up the slack of what he was paying, but it's not up to her to decide where he gets the money to pay what she considers his fair share. Leave it at that--don't say she wants him to pay more by paying less for his child. He can get a side gig. He can cut back on his personal expenses, he can announce he is not going to take a vacation this year and won't contribute to any vacation stepmom takes, he can take out a Parent Plus loan...whatever.

She doesn't get to decide that her stepdaughter is a "princess," that she has to work more shifts, that she should have a crappier car, etc. Since she obviously doesn't consider this young woman as her child, she does NOT have the right to control her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH makes unilateral decisions with marital funds.

OP has made it clear that there are NO marital funds. She keeps her money; he keeps his. They share expenses according to some arrangement they negotiated when they got married. That agreement is almost certainly not legally enforceable.

She is angry because H is not paying the percentage of their expenses they previously agreed upon. Evil stepmom has decided this is because her H is paying too much for his child from a previous marriage. So, she has decided that she should be able to force her H to pay less for his child so she doesn't have to spend as much of her money on their kids and joint expenses.

IMO, she's wrong. She can tell her H she can't take up the slack of what he was paying, but it's not up to her to decide where he gets the money to pay what she considers his fair share. Leave it at that--don't say she wants him to pay more by paying less for his child. He can get a side gig. He can cut back on his personal expenses, he can announce he is not going to take a vacation this year and won't contribute to any vacation stepmom takes, he can take out a Parent Plus loan...whatever.

She doesn't get to decide that her stepdaughter is a "princess," that she has to work more shifts, that she should have a crappier car, etc. Since she obviously doesn't consider this young woman as her child, she does NOT have the right to control her.

When you are married it’s all marital funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't throw away a marriage for an issue that will 100% resolve itself in 2 years.

I definitely think counselling is a good idea, as is college kid working more shifts to cut down what dad has to contribute. I think some compassion towards him being a single dad to her is nice as well. It almost sounds like you resent his child for "taking away" from your children, which isn't necessarily fair. There is so much room for compromise here - like maybe she pays for her own car insurance, but he still covers the rest. Or some mixture of her covering more/him less.

The problem is, this is a 22 year old adult. And the adult apparently has 2 more years to go in college! So even as a 24 year old, she will not be expected to support herself. If the dad doesn't expect a 22 year old to do more than work one shift a week part time, he is not going to stop being Daddy Moneybags in two years either. Likely, he spoils her out of guilt and is conflict avoidant. This is not a problem that's going to go away in a couple of years.

I'd leave if he won't agree to counseling now.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry.

Former stepkid here. It's totally fine when we're kids. When we're teens the stepmoms tolerate us. When we're actual adults with opinions? GTFO. My stepmom said, and I quote, "I never had a problem with you before", when I explained that I couldn't facetime with her and my father in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with my own DH and kids. It was a pretty sad realization, because I thought we were close. Then I realized we got along because I viewed her (and treated her) like a respected adult/parent type and did what she said. When I became an independent person I became something in her way.

OP, I hope you remember this post when your two bio kids are in their early 20's. You will not, and I'd bet my 401K on this, dump them financially nor make them work full time in college. You just won't.

The fact that this is what you want for your H's kid tells me everything I need to know. Now it sounds like your H isn't stepping up for your bio kids either, and I'm sorry about that, that isn't right either. But you signed on for a package deal. Your resentment to your H is 100% playing out on how you feel about his daughter. Your position is understandably hard, but this is why I, and many grown women with stepmoms, think so poorly of them. We're just not your kids, and you make sure we know it. Sorry our dads suck, but that doesn't mean we deserve the shaft.

I am not married to a man with kids from a different woman. I think it is abominable and adultery. I brought up three kids with zero help from my mom or my MIL because they were busy with second families. I had complications, PPD, PTSD from one really crappy experience. My 2 year old was just in the hospital with bronchiolitis for 3 days. Zero help.

Here is the hard truth: people treat their own better. Step kids are less likely to be taken to the hospital, more likely to be neglected. People who let their marriage fall apart and/or made bad choices should stay single and concentrate their resources on the kids they already have. 22 year old step child needs to realize the situation she is in and become independent ASAP. So yeah, she needs to pick up more shifts. Life is hard.

PP/former stepkid here. While it may be in stepkid's best interest to realize her stepmother is not on her team, and act accordingly, she did not write this post. The stepmom did. And my statement stands. Stepmom will likely care for her adult kids in a way she does not want her DH to do now for his own. And yes, this is their problem: "my kid and your kid". In successful blended families, this is what's required.

Successful blended families are the exception, not the norm. If the adults had enough maturity to pull it off they wouldn't have found themselves single with kids.

PP here and you are correct. This is why the “this is mine that’s yours” approach is a spectacular failure. OP and her DH don’t share money or values. The answer is not for OP to shoulder the expenses of the bio kids, or for DH to shoulder the expenses of Stepkid. This is a family of 3 children who should benefit equally from parent’s finances. Don’t like it? Don’t get married to someone with previous kids, or marry and make more kids with a new partner. Finally stepkids are not inconveniences for you to tolerate on your way to building whatever life you want OP. Before he married you, he was someone else’s husband, and he’s still someone else’s father. You and your DH both need to work with that fact for your marriage to succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP isn't obligated to take on slack from her husband's first wife. The fact that her husband had a relationship with a mentally ill woman shouldn't mean she gets financially stretched for a 22 year old adult step child.

She's known this girl since she was 14, it's not like she swooped in on DH when his child was already an adult.

Seems like OP was fine playing step mommy to get her ring, now that the reality is coming out she's resentful and angry.

Former stepkid here. It's totally fine when we're kids. When we're teens the stepmoms tolerate us. When we're actual adults with opinions? GTFO. My stepmom said, and I quote, "I never had a problem with you before", when I explained that I couldn't facetime with her and my father in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with my own DH and kids. It was a pretty sad realization, because I thought we were close. Then I realized we got along because I viewed her (and treated her) like a respected adult/parent type and did what she said. When I became an independent person I became something in her way.

OP, I hope you remember this post when your two bio kids are in their early 20's. You will not, and I'd bet my 401K on this, dump them financially nor make them work full time in college. You just won't.

The fact that this is what you want for your H's kid tells me everything I need to know. Now it sounds like your H isn't stepping up for your bio kids either, and I'm sorry about that, that isn't right either. But you signed on for a package deal. Your resentment to your H is 100% playing out on how you feel about his daughter. Your position is understandably hard, but this is why I, and many grown women with stepmoms, think so poorly of them. We're just not your kids, and you make sure we know it. Sorry our dads suck, but that doesn't mean we deserve the shaft.

I am not married to a man with kids from a different woman. I think it is abominable and adultery. I brought up three kids with zero help from my mom or my MIL because they were busy with second families. I had complications, PPD, PTSD from one really crappy experience. My 2 year old was just in the hospital with bronchiolitis for 3 days. Zero help.

Here is the hard truth: people treat their own better. Step kids are less likely to be taken to the hospital, more likely to be neglected. People who let their marriage fall apart and/or made bad choices should stay single and concentrate their resources on the kids they already have. 22 year old step child needs to realize the situation she is in and become independent ASAP. So yeah, she needs to pick up more shifts. Life is hard.

PP/former stepkid here. While it may be in stepkid's best interest to realize her stepmother is not on her team, and act accordingly, she did not write this post. The stepmom did. And my statement stands. Stepmom will likely care for her adult kids in a way she does not want her DH to do now for his own. And yes, this is their problem: "my kid and your kid". In successful blended families, this is what's required.

Successful blended families are the exception, not the norm. If the adults had enough maturity to pull it off they wouldn't have found themselves single with kids.

PP here and you are correct. This is why the “this is mine that’s yours” approach is a spectacular failure. OP and her DH don’t share money or values. The answer is not for OP to shoulder the expenses of the bio kids, or for DH to shoulder the expenses of Stepkid. This is a family of 3 children who should benefit equally from parent’s finances. Don’t like it? Don’t get married to someone with previous kids, or marry and make more kids with a new partner. Finally stepkids are not inconveniences for you to tolerate on your way to building whatever life you want OP. Before he married you, he was someone else’s husband, and he’s still someone else’s father. You and your DH both need to work with that fact for your marriage to succeed.

Alot of whining and turning OP into the big baddie, yet no discussion of the infidelity accusations.

Also, I find it fascinating that stepDD is a member of the family when it comes to her husband asking OP to shoulder more expenses, yet OP has no right to suggest (require?) obvious solutions to princess' problem, as a biomom would, like working more shifts. Sounds abusive and unwinnable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH makes unilateral decisions with marital funds.

OP has made it clear that there are NO marital funds. She keeps her money; he keeps his. They share expenses according to some arrangement they negotiated when they got married. That agreement is almost certainly not legally enforceable.

She is angry because H is not paying the percentage of their expenses they previously agreed upon. Evil stepmom has decided this is because her H is paying too much for his child from a previous marriage. So, she has decided that she should be able to force her H to pay less for his child so she doesn't have to spend as much of her money on their kids and joint expenses.

IMO, she's wrong. She can tell her H she can't take up the slack of what he was paying, but it's not up to her to decide where he gets the money to pay what she considers his fair share. Leave it at that--don't say she wants him to pay more by paying less for his child. He can get a side gig. He can cut back on his personal expenses, he can announce he is not going to take a vacation this year and won't contribute to any vacation stepmom takes, he can take out a Parent Plus loan...whatever.

She doesn't get to decide that her stepdaughter is a "princess," that she has to work more shifts, that she should have a crappier car, etc. Since she obviously doesn't consider this young woman as her child, she does NOT have the right to control her.

He's not trying to pick up a part time job, he's trying to raid his wife's bank account! "Constantly" according to her.

[Anonymous]

College kids dont need cars. No one should own a car until they can pay for it and all expenses themselves. Sell the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding 50/50 split for bio kids or household expenses is crazy when you are married. That's something divorced couples do.

In marriage there is give and take, and that includes providing expenses for college aged daughter, even if she isn't your biological daughter. You've been in her life for at least 8 years. However, you both need a firm line with the amount you are paying for college. Expense money (all of it) should come out of a combined pot, even when one spouse adds more to the pot than the other.

I say this as a wife who at times has contributed more and less than my husband. We are a combined unit.

This. Why are you splitting money and having separate accounts. The state views all of your money has joint.

Have you both considered getting second jobs? Marriage is a lot about give and take. Many times one spouse makes more.

You seem to have a lot of resentment.

You're telling a mom of elementary aged kids to get a second job so her 22 year old step kid doesn't have to work while going to college???????????

22 y/o is working.

From the OP: Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse.

Sounds like they could easily work 15 hours more a week, they're just too lazy and spoiled. And why would she? Her dad is putting his hand in step mom's pocket book to pay for her lifestyle.

Freaking car payments? Get her a beater, start there. A paid off car has much cheaper car insurance. Or princess can take the bus.

So you agree, step daughter is working. No one is putting their hand into OPs pocket to pay for anything, if you review the post she breaks down that her husband is paying the vast majority of bills. It's not unfair to want his wife to contribute to their lifestyle, but she seems adamantly against it.

I have no idea how much her husband is paying. Presumably he earns more because working moms tend to have their career derailed when they take off to give birth.

One shift a week is obviously not enough. At 22 princess should be paying more of her own way.

The wife is not objecting to paying for their lifestyle, she's objecting to subsidizing her husband paying for the grown adult in college who is too much of a princess to take on a second shift.

I have to wonder, are the two youngest having their college savings prepared?

It sounds like he spent time as a solo parent, and also possibly time trying to co-parent with someone with severe mental illness. I don't think you can argue that being a parent must have derailed her career, and not cut him the same break.

As for the youngest kids and college savings, it wouldn't be uncommon for a family with this kind of age gap to need to put savings for younger kids on hold while they pay for the oldest, but in fact OP is able to put some in 529 savings since her husband is taking care of tuition, and the mortgage, the two biggest expenses for most families.

OP—I paid off the vehicles. He pays insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blended/Married for 8 years with two biological elementary aged kids and a 22yo step-child in college. Have separate finances with agreed expenses paid by both spouses. Spouse is determined to cover step-child expenses in college (car payments, insurance, housing, and part
of tuition expenses), but can’t really afford to do so anymore and is constantly asking me to pay some of their fair share of bills. Basically, we’re both struggling financially just to float college expenses. Step-child works once a week or sometimes once in two weeks to cover their own utilities/groceries. When I mentioned that being in classes three times a week, leaves another three days to work a part-time job…..is met with resentment/silence by spouse. I am at a point where I am doing everything on my own and covering our bio kids expenses without any financial contribution from my spouse. There are other issues in marriage on top of this one such as baseless infidelity accusations, emotional abuse, and etc. I am thinking of separating from my spouse, because of all of these issues….Will going to a marriage counselor help alleviate some of the issues or should I just say “f-it” and file? I am willing to try marriage therapy though.

I hate to say it, but you made your bed and now you must lay in it. The signs must have been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically you married and had kids with a man who can't afford it, and you also disagree with his parenting choices. Yet you had kids with him anyway.

Take some responsibility for your role in this.

Yes, and she hates the step daughter for taking resources away from the precious "our" golden children. Who likely have lived a much more privileged life than SD with a mentally ill mom.

Maybe OP shouldn't have had more children than she could afford?

This. I have a friend like op who has no compassion for her older step kid. That she doesn’t show any empathy or compassion for her says she should have never married this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College kids dont need cars. No one should own a car until they can pay for it and all expenses themselves. Sell the car.

Agree with this to start. Waste of money.