Where did you find your affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An over 55 is going to have a hard time getting it up

Not the case for all guys.

Far from the case with DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, 55 is too old, someone not older than 48. By 49 most men stop trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such a dipsh@t, OP. I can’t imagine being like: I’m unhappy in my marriage as a burned out working wife: oh I’ll go troll the internet to find some rando guy to bang.

Such serious dysfunction and poor coping skills. I’ve had low times and points in my marriage where I felt like I was doing it all. I fixed it. Not once did I think: you know what would fix this: sex with others.

Don’t be a stupid ho. The amount of drama and trauma if you choose that path is tremendous. You can ask my friend who lost her house and college kids don’t talk to her anymore.

+1 what kind of crap did you see in childhood that you think this is a legit path, OP?

There a showdown at the Ho-down. Jerry Springer material. Trashy AF

Yep imagine having a parent that thinks like this

[Anonymous]

He was a trainer at my gym. He’s not the typical kind of guy I would have dayed in my single days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gross topic, I know. I'm a terrible person. I hate myself, too.

I'm 34, stuck in a marriage with a man who wants a mommy to care for him. I can't divorce him without losing half of my time with my kid. I'm the financial breadwinner. He hasn't taken me on a date in 5 years. He won't book a plane ticket or a vacation unless I do it for him, and all he has to do is show up at the airport. He couldn't tell you where to buy our child's uniform for the fall. He has never scheduled a doctor or dentist appointment; I do it all and manage the bills, groceries, cooking, and cleaning independently. I work full-time, have a contracting gig on the side, and am working on my master's degree. He has no interest in advancement, higher education, politics, art, or culture. He was hot when I met him at 25, and he was 30, but the lust is gone now. On our wedding day, he told his mother: "It's ok, Mom, Larla will take care of me now..."

I wish to find a 55-year-old man with adult children who wants a travel partner/lover without commitment to a relationship or entanglement. I can't go on dating apps without someone recognizing me; there's no way I would engage in a work affair. I wish I could find someone interested in the same things I am. My husband doesn't read.

If your husband is this much of a manbaby, he's eventually going to give up on 50/50 custody. So I think you should divorce him comfortably knowing pretty soon you will have all your time with your kids. Unless all this is really about is wanting some strange on the side. Sorry OP.

+1

He’s had mommy or wifey take care of him his whole life. He isn’t going to suddenly become dad of the year. He may step it up in the beginning but eventually he’ll be asking if you can take extra days and it will be a slow slide into maybe 80% / 20%.

You use that time he does have his kids to do all the traveling and banging your new guy. And then you can enjoy it, not having to engage in self loathing (you admitted in your OP you feel gross and hate yourself). Then you can go on apps and see what is out there. Do it now while you’re still young enough to have many years left to enjoy. It will be stressful at first but then your load will be lighter without him to take care of.

[Anonymous]

Op, another married woman here and I just wanted to say I feel for you. I love the whole “just get a divorce crowd” because they are always people happily married that 1. Have never had to even contemplate something like this. 2. Have no idea how expensive and complicated divorce is with kids.

The internet is amazing. That’s all I’m saying. The internet is your friend and even if you don’t want to actually take action-there are anonymous forums simply to be able to talk about what this is like with people going through the same thing.

Also-the whole “STDs here we come” and “you will get beat up by the other spouse” crowd seems to think that these aren’t concerns that people actually consider when doing something like this.

Full panel std tests can be done anonymously and any responsible person is going to get one done as well as ask the other person to get one done as well. Also, there seems to be this belief that people doing this are banging multiple people all the time. This is simply not the case. The vast majority of people doing this are married with children and looking for one person to do this with long term.

As far as the “getting beat up”. There is a whole community and there are safeguards. Nobody uses real phone numbers, nobody knows anybody’s real name or address. Basically if you wanted to end something it can basically be done with one click and no paper trail.

Yes it’s “gross”. Be happy you are not in a position to ever have to do it.

[Anonymous]

So you still have to be mommy?

[Anonymous]

NP. OP, I'm not clear on this: If you're already swamped with career job plus side gig plus graduate degree program plus arranging your kid's entire life from school uniforms to dentist appointments -- how on Earth do you expect time will magically appear for you to have this affair and [checks notes]...travel with Mr. No-Strings?

Asking seriously and without snark. Do you genuinely and seriously think this would happen like you're picturing? I suspect you're tossing out "55" due to thinking this AP would be free of kid entanglements of his own by then, and you've added a list of cultured habits and love of travel...in other words, the things you like and want to do with someone and which DH doesn't do. You've created an idealized AP, a shopping list, and others here (where there is great love for telling OPs how to cheat) are urging you to plug that list into a dating app or website.

You're after a companion; those apps and sites are going to be full of men looking for sex, not looking to travel with you to do cultured stuff. Sure, they'll sell you on the idea that they want all the cultured chitchat and shared adventure, but they want sex, and after a while you'll be back online finding another sex partner.

And all that is if you can magically create extra time. And if you already Do It All for your child and are in grad school etc. -- when exactly do you plan to conduct an affair that is anything more than an occasional quick, furtive screw, and not in some fun travel location, but near home, because you have to get to class, work on a paper, pick up your child....?

I'm sounding harsh but the point is: You're venting your fantasy here. Venting's fine. But as a PP noted: Take all the energy you'd expend trying to make that fantasy real (and ending up with just sex with some dude who may have lied about the whole unattached, cultured, travel thing anyway, just to get to the sex), and expend that same energy in either

(1) arranging a divorce --and suck up the fact your DH will get at least 50/50 custody, or
(2) actually telling your DH what you told us strangers. I have zero idea whether you've even truly communicated your deep and understandable frustrations to him. If you say you have but it's been piecemeal, or you've expected he would just "get it," well, that's not the communication you and he need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, another married woman here and I just wanted to say I feel for you. I love the whole “just get a divorce crowd” because they are always people happily married that 1. Have never had to even contemplate something like this. 2. Have no idea how expensive and complicated divorce is with kids.

The internet is amazing. That’s all I’m saying. The internet is your friend and even if you don’t want to actually take action-there are anonymous forums simply to be able to talk about what this is like with people going through the same thing.

Also-the whole “STDs here we come” and “you will get beat up by the other spouse” crowd seems to think that these aren’t concerns that people actually consider when doing something like this.

Full panel std tests can be done anonymously and any responsible person is going to get one done as well as ask the other person to get one done as well. Also, there seems to be this belief that people doing this are banging multiple people all the time. This is simply not the case. The vast majority of people doing this are married with children and looking for one person to do this with long term.

As far as the “getting beat up”. There is a whole community and there are safeguards. Nobody uses real phone numbers, nobody knows anybody’s real name or address. Basically if you wanted to end something it can basically be done with one click and no paper trail.

Yes it’s “gross”. Be happy you are not in a position to ever have to do it.

The bold may be your own experience, PP, but it is "simply not the case" for many women who have found that many if not most men online are seeking sex first and foremost and are happy to have multiple partners or move quickly from partner to partner. They're not going to be OP's guy who wants to do cultural things and travel with her. Those men may be "looking for one person to do this with long term" but that means convenient, guaranteed sex rather than a relationship beyond sex. The stuff above about "there is a community and there are safeguards" makes the online meat market sound supportive and almost innocuous. It isn't, unless one is very adept at compartmentalizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gross topic, I know. I'm a terrible person. I hate myself, too.

I'm 34, stuck in a marriage with a man who wants a mommy to care for him. I can't divorce him without losing half of my time with my kid. I'm the financial breadwinner. He hasn't taken me on a date in 5 years. He won't book a plane ticket or a vacation unless I do it for him, and all he has to do is show up at the airport. He couldn't tell you where to buy our child's uniform for the fall. He has never scheduled a doctor or dentist appointment; I do it all and manage the bills, groceries, cooking, and cleaning independently. I work full-time, have a contracting gig on the side, and am working on my master's degree. He has no interest in advancement, higher education, politics, art, or culture. He was hot when I met him at 25, and he was 30, but the lust is gone now. On our wedding day, he told his mother: "It's ok, Mom, Larla will take care of me now..."

I wish to find a 55-year-old man with adult children who wants a travel partner/lover without commitment to a relationship or entanglement. I can't go on dating apps without someone recognizing me; there's no way I would engage in a work affair. I wish I could find someone interested in the same things I am. My husband doesn't read.

If your husband is this much of a manbaby, he's eventually going to give up on 50/50 custody. So I think you should divorce him comfortably knowing pretty soon you will have all your time with your kids. Unless all this is really about is wanting some strange on the side. Sorry OP.

+1

He’s had mommy or wifey take care of him his whole life. He isn’t going to suddenly become dad of the year. He may step it up in the beginning but eventually he’ll be asking if you can take extra days and it will be a slow slide into maybe 80% / 20%.

You use that time he does have his kids to do all the traveling and banging your new guy. And then you can enjoy it, not having to engage in self loathing (you admitted in your OP you feel gross and hate yourself). Then you can go on apps and see what is out there. Do it now while you’re still young enough to have many years left to enjoy. It will be stressful at first but then your load will be lighter without him to take care of.

If OP goes this route, it's still going to be a long time before she's divorced, custody is arranged and she's out there, kid-free and banging a new guy. If the DH decides to fight her on divorce or custody or financially it'll be even longer. Do not underestimate a supposedly checked out or loser DH who's faced with a divorce. Not all of them just cave in and make it easy or quick like you're assuming her DH will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, another married woman here and I just wanted to say I feel for you. I love the whole “just get a divorce crowd” because they are always people happily married that 1. Have never had to even contemplate something like this. 2. Have no idea how expensive and complicated divorce is with kids.

The internet is amazing. That’s all I’m saying. The internet is your friend and even if you don’t want to actually take action-there are anonymous forums simply to be able to talk about what this is like with people going through the same thing.

Also-the whole “STDs here we come” and “you will get beat up by the other spouse” crowd seems to think that these aren’t concerns that people actually consider when doing something like this.

Full panel std tests can be done anonymously and any responsible person is going to get one done as well as ask the other person to get one done as well. Also, there seems to be this belief that people doing this are banging multiple people all the time. This is simply not the case. The vast majority of people doing this are married with children and looking for one person to do this with long term.

As far as the “getting beat up”. There is a whole community and there are safeguards. Nobody uses real phone numbers, nobody knows anybody’s real name or address. Basically if you wanted to end something it can basically be done with one click and no paper trail.

Yes it’s “gross”. Be happy you are not in a position to ever have to do it.

Nope. The “just get a divorce crowd” are often us betrayed spouses that had their lives blown up, and many of us getting exposed to potential STIs while we were still having sex with our spouses.

We have lived through the trauma of two families imploding. Kids/teens being traumatized having resultant mental/school issues due to the betrayal. Childhood homes being sold.

It’s not sexy. And when this comes to light both cheaters are reviled by family and friends and had zero intention of ever spending a life together.

Sounds like it’s worth it, doesn’t it ?

[Anonymous]

Whatsyourprice.com

Make an unrecognizable username
Make your pics private

Try going on a vaca by yourself and spend time at a nice hotel bar

Also you got to raise your vibration and find other ways to be happy because if you are mad and desperate then you will not attract anyone worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, another married woman here and I just wanted to say I feel for you. I love the whole “just get a divorce crowd” because they are always people happily married that 1. Have never had to even contemplate something like this. 2. Have no idea how expensive and complicated divorce is with kids.

The internet is amazing. That’s all I’m saying. The internet is your friend and even if you don’t want to actually take action-there are anonymous forums simply to be able to talk about what this is like with people going through the same thing.

Also-the whole “STDs here we come” and “you will get beat up by the other spouse” crowd seems to think that these aren’t concerns that people actually consider when doing something like this.

Full panel std tests can be done anonymously and any responsible person is going to get one done as well as ask the other person to get one done as well. Also, there seems to be this belief that people doing this are banging multiple people all the time. This is simply not the case. The vast majority of people doing this are married with children and looking for one person to do this with long term.

As far as the “getting beat up”. There is a whole community and there are safeguards. Nobody uses real phone numbers, nobody knows anybody’s real name or address. Basically if you wanted to end something it can basically be done with one click and no paper trail.

Yes it’s “gross”. Be happy you are not in a position to ever have to do it.

The bold may be your own experience, PP, but it is "simply not the case" for many women who have found that many if not most men online are seeking sex first and foremost and are happy to have multiple partners or move quickly from partner to partner. They're not going to be OP's guy who wants to do cultural things and travel with her. Those men may be "looking for one person to do this with long term" but that means convenient, guaranteed sex rather than a relationship beyond sex. The stuff above about "there is a community and there are safeguards" makes the online meat market sound supportive and almost innocuous. It isn't, unless one is very adept at compartmentalizing.

Yes. ^ reality. And most of the married ones are cake eaters that live their family life and just temporarily looking for variety at midlife- it isn’t going to be an exit affair or exotic trios and gifts. You will be used and discarded like a whore when he feels guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP. OP, I'm not clear on this: If you're already swamped with career job plus side gig plus graduate degree program plus arranging your kid's entire life from school uniforms to dentist appointments -- how on Earth do you expect time will magically appear for you to have this affair and [checks notes]...travel with Mr. No-Strings?

Asking seriously and without snark. Do you genuinely and seriously think this would happen like you're picturing? I suspect you're tossing out "55" due to thinking this AP would be free of kid entanglements of his own by then, and you've added a list of cultured habits and love of travel...in other words, the things you like and want to do with someone and which DH doesn't do. You've created an idealized AP, a shopping list, and others here (where there is great love for telling OPs how to cheat) are urging you to plug that list into a dating app or website.

You're after a companion; those apps and sites are going to be full of men looking for sex, not looking to travel with you to do cultured stuff. Sure, they'll sell you on the idea that they want all the cultured chitchat and shared adventure, but they want sex, and after a while you'll be back online finding another sex partner.

And all that is if you can magically create extra time. And if you already Do It All for your child and are in grad school etc. -- when exactly do you plan to conduct an affair that is anything more than an occasional quick, furtive screw, and not in some fun travel location, but near home, because you have to get to class, work on a paper, pick up your child....?

I'm sounding harsh but the point is: You're venting your fantasy here. Venting's fine. But as a PP noted: Take all the energy you'd expend trying to make that fantasy real (and ending up with just sex with some dude who may have lied about the whole unattached, cultured, travel thing anyway, just to get to the sex), and expend that same energy in either

(1) arranging a divorce --and suck up the fact your DH will get at least 50/50 custody, or
(2) actually telling your DH what you told us strangers. I have zero idea whether you've even truly communicated your deep and understandable frustrations to him. If you say you have but it's been piecemeal, or you've expected he would just "get it," well, that's not the communication you and he need.

She’s in the cheater stage where they only see negative and bad and are overly critical so they can justify going out and banging other people. They never are painting a true picture of the marriage or partner. It’s the narrative they latch onto to justify getting banged in a hotel room by strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who had to tell their kids they are getting a divorce today becausemy DH cheated, don't do it. Not worth destroying your family.

Bloom where you are planted OP, or offer your DH a clean and honest break. You can find fulfillment without being unethical.

Such a misogynistic attitude.

Why did not you bloom where your cheating spouse planted you?

You are an azshole. I am divorcing a cheater like the OP wants to be.

If the OP doesn't like her DH she should divorce him. Not cheat on him.

If she wants to stay married, she could devote all this effort she's about to put into finding an affair partner into her marriage.

To use your metaphor: OP wants to stay married and "bloom where she was planted" by having an affair. You decided not to bloom and left your seedbed. You are not doing what you are preaching.