Hot take: I think we overemphasize 'time moves fast' and underemphasize 'time off'.

[Anonymous]

I'm truly curious about how this "messaging" you talk about matters. I hear people say things all day that I don't agree with, so I just...ignore it. Maybe it's a personality trait or something but I just don't get it. The fact that you are living your life stressed out because of some sort of message that someone is sending you is wild to me. Write your own message. Do what works for you. It boggles my mind that people don't live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious as to what sort of things are you doing with them that is stressful and a result of “squeeze the joy” messaging. I’ll admit I operate from more of a “benign neglect” stance, so I probably appear a lot less engaged in comparison.

I think OP is probably paying attention to the people who say their lives must be centered around their kids all the time. Once the school/work day is over they must all be together. Op must do fun and educational activities. Op must do active stuff with them. Op must do X,Y,Z. I had a friend who kind of fell for this messaging and it really didn't create a great environment. They've since backed off and don't do that every day. Their teen is happy to get a day to play video games with friends instead of game nights. Their younger kid is happy to do things on her own for a little bit.

Makes sense. I do think we give moms the message that no matter what they do it’s never enough. I never got on that crazy train, and I think it’s been better for the whole family.

Who is we? If my MIL says I'm a bad mother because I didn't make my kids heart-shaped pancakes on Valentine's Day I'd just shrug. Why does she decide? Seriously, where is this messaging coming from? If a pediatrician is telling you your children have a terrible diet and need more exercise then ok, you should be listening to that message. But are people being publicly shamed in the town square for not going on a field trip? Who is doing this shaming? Maybe I just have the best friends ever but I have only once heard someone say something ridiculous and it was regarding breast feeding and she was a nut case anyway so I just rolled my eyes because I couldn't care less what she thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is more that there isn't time off. I don't think most people can get any time off. I don't have business trips. When I had a baby though I used to dream of a white fluffy hotel bed where I could sleep until noon. My youngest is great and STTN, but she's 2 and only wants me to put her to bed. I really don't get a break. Dh probably is the most hands on father I know, but all 3 kids really just want me, especially at night. The 2 year old in particular will scream until she throws up for me. I'm trying to treasure it because she's my last, but man could I use a vacation.

I get pretty bitter about relatives who don't make my life easier because I don't need any more burdens. There's a lot of TAKE from parents and rarely any giving. So much can be a slog but I'm trying here.

I only have one kid but I second this. I also don't have anyone in my life who can give me a true break except DH. And while we give each other breaks for sure (nights out and taking our kid solo for a day on a weekend -- that kind of thing) I really crave several days of just not having to think about parenting. I think it's compounded for me because I work the "flexible" job which means I'm pretty much always on call for kid-related stuff and I do the vast majority of the every day childcare plus most of the long-term planning. I've tried to offload more of that onto my DH but the truth is he sucks at planning and logistics (not just kid related but anything and even at work this is his biggest struggle) so it really is just mostly on me.

What I would really like is to take 3 days and go away and just let DH handle everything. Over a weekend. I think it would be good for him and DD too. But it would mostly be for me. Just 2-3 nights in a hotel somewhere with a pool where I can sleep in and sit by the pool and do nothing and not have to accommodate anyone's needs or wants but my own.

I've floated this by DH and he's pretty resistant. He'll say "but why would you want to go away without us? can't we just go on a vacation together and you take solo breaks during that?" -- he doesn't understand the degree to which even our vacations require so much from me in terms of planning and organizing and most of it is for him and DD and I just want a break from that. I should probably push harder for it.

So do it! I take trips alone or with friends, as does my husband. It's good for everyone. Your husband sounds like he needs to step up. You only have one kid, he can't figure that out by himself?

[Anonymous]

As opposed as they may be, I completely agree with the first two posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

Your medal is in the mail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm truly curious about how this "messaging" you talk about matters. I hear people say things all day that I don't agree with, so I just...ignore it. Maybe it's a personality trait or something but I just don't get it. The fact that you are living your life stressed out because of some sort of message that someone is sending you is wild to me. Write your own message. Do what works for you. It boggles my mind that people don't live like that.

It's cute you think you are completely immune to socialization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

DP here. Some of us just don't have the option for vacations without our kids. And rather than whining and complaining about it, we just accept it and move on.

You sound like you are wining about it. Just take a day off while they are at school and take a chill pill.

To be fair to some, my vacation and sick accrual aren't that great and instead of slowly building it up from age 2 onwards, I scrambled with 1-2 days of leave max from 2020-2023 due to COVID and restrictive daycare policies and illnesses and whatever else and that was during FT daycare years.
Now FF to school years and my leave is primarily used for sick days for my kid or school closures. This upcoming school year from Aug-June has 28 days off. I am not including school closures when I have holiday pay. Even split between my DH and myself plus a good year with little to no illness, you can assume having to cover at least 30 days. If you get COVID or flu or GI bug or strep or whatever else is going around, then that easily hits 35-40 days. We use winter break camps and spring break camps but it's usually just 3 days each.

Thats for one kid. If you have one in ES and another in daycare, you can easily add another 10 days of sick for the whole year.

There's no just taking a day off and "chilling".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

DP here. Some of us just don't have the option for vacations without our kids. And rather than whining and complaining about it, we just accept it and move on.

You sound like you are wining about it. Just take a day off while they are at school and take a chill pill.

To be fair to some, my vacation and sick accrual aren't that great and instead of slowly building it up from age 2 onwards, I scrambled with 1-2 days of leave max from 2020-2023 due to COVID and restrictive daycare policies and illnesses and whatever else and that was during FT daycare years.
Now FF to school years and my leave is primarily used for sick days for my kid or school closures. This upcoming school year from Aug-June has 28 days off. I am not including school closures when I have holiday pay. Even split between my DH and myself plus a good year with little to no illness, you can assume having to cover at least 30 days. If you get COVID or flu or GI bug or strep or whatever else is going around, then that easily hits 35-40 days. We use winter break camps and spring break camps but it's usually just 3 days each.

Thats for one kid. If you have one in ES and another in daycare, you can easily add another 10 days of sick for the whole year.

There's no just taking a day off and "chilling".

Gurl gets babysitter FFS and take a day and chill…. Or chill on a Saturday and have your h take the kids somewhere for the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm truly curious about how this "messaging" you talk about matters. I hear people say things all day that I don't agree with, so I just...ignore it. Maybe it's a personality trait or something but I just don't get it. The fact that you are living your life stressed out because of some sort of message that someone is sending you is wild to me. Write your own message. Do what works for you. It boggles my mind that people don't live like that.

It's cute you think you are completely immune to socialization.

Ok? I'm not the one tying herself into miserable knots because of some mysterious message about how I'm supposed to live my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

DP here. Some of us just don't have the option for vacations without our kids. And rather than whining and complaining about it, we just accept it and move on.

You sound like you are wining about it. Just take a day off while they are at school and take a chill pill.

To be fair to some, my vacation and sick accrual aren't that great and instead of slowly building it up from age 2 onwards, I scrambled with 1-2 days of leave max from 2020-2023 due to COVID and restrictive daycare policies and illnesses and whatever else and that was during FT daycare years.
Now FF to school years and my leave is primarily used for sick days for my kid or school closures. This upcoming school year from Aug-June has 28 days off. I am not including school closures when I have holiday pay. Even split between my DH and myself plus a good year with little to no illness, you can assume having to cover at least 30 days. If you get COVID or flu or GI bug or strep or whatever else is going around, then that easily hits 35-40 days. We use winter break camps and spring break camps but it's usually just 3 days each.

Thats for one kid. If you have one in ES and another in daycare, you can easily add another 10 days of sick for the whole year.

There's no just taking a day off and "chilling".

Gurl gets babysitter FFS and take a day and chill…. Or chill on a Saturday and have your h take the kids somewhere for the day.

Yes that happens but let's not act like babysitters dont cost $$$. A full day is close to 200 or more. To go out with friends from 530-1130 plus dinner is a $300 minimum. And of course, I get time to do stuff independently or my DH has the kids for the day but it's not a vacation. A vacation is what she was talking about. Real time off. I even understand what she means about a work trip. I dont have cook or clean or worry about anyone else. Thats what she is referencing. And its not just for a few hours, its usually at least 3 days.

And yes, of course, if you already outsourcing cleaning and other running household tasks this wont really be an issue for you.

Just like vacation with kids are just trips with kids. Its the same shi# in a different location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm truly curious about how this "messaging" you talk about matters. I hear people say things all day that I don't agree with, so I just...ignore it. Maybe it's a personality trait or something but I just don't get it. The fact that you are living your life stressed out because of some sort of message that someone is sending you is wild to me. Write your own message. Do what works for you. It boggles my mind that people don't live like that.

It's cute you think you are completely immune to socialization.

Ok? I'm not the one tying herself into miserable knots because of some mysterious message about how I'm supposed to live my life.

You do just not about this one specific thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

DP here. Some of us just don't have the option for vacations without our kids. And rather than whining and complaining about it, we just accept it and move on.

You sound like you are wining about it. Just take a day off while they are at school and take a chill pill.

To be fair to some, my vacation and sick accrual aren't that great and instead of slowly building it up from age 2 onwards, I scrambled with 1-2 days of leave max from 2020-2023 due to COVID and restrictive daycare policies and illnesses and whatever else and that was during FT daycare years.
Now FF to school years and my leave is primarily used for sick days for my kid or school closures. This upcoming school year from Aug-June has 28 days off. I am not including school closures when I have holiday pay. Even split between my DH and myself plus a good year with little to no illness, you can assume having to cover at least 30 days. If you get COVID or flu or GI bug or strep or whatever else is going around, then that easily hits 35-40 days. We use winter break camps and spring break camps but it's usually just 3 days each.

Thats for one kid. If you have one in ES and another in daycare, you can easily add another 10 days of sick for the whole year.

There's no just taking a day off and "chilling".

Gurl gets babysitter FFS and take a day and chill…. Or chill on a Saturday and have your h take the kids somewhere for the day.

Yes that happens but let's not act like babysitters dont cost $$$. A full day is close to 200 or more. To go out with friends from 530-1130 plus dinner is a $300 minimum. And of course, I get time to do stuff independently or my DH has the kids for the day but it's not a vacation. A vacation is what she was talking about. Real time off. I even understand what she means about a work trip. I dont have cook or clean or worry about anyone else. Thats what she is referencing. And its not just for a few hours, its usually at least 3 days.

And yes, of course, if you already outsourcing cleaning and other running household tasks this wont really be an issue for you.

Just like vacation with kids are just trips with kids. Its the same shi# in a different location.

Oh you’re one of those, you put a $ on everything.

Go to a friends for the weekend and relax ffs. Do you have friends?

My roommate from college comes 2x a year and I go visit friends all over the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

DP here. Some of us just don't have the option for vacations without our kids. And rather than whining and complaining about it, we just accept it and move on.

You sound like you are wining about it. Just take a day off while they are at school and take a chill pill.

To be fair to some, my vacation and sick accrual aren't that great and instead of slowly building it up from age 2 onwards, I scrambled with 1-2 days of leave max from 2020-2023 due to COVID and restrictive daycare policies and illnesses and whatever else and that was during FT daycare years.
Now FF to school years and my leave is primarily used for sick days for my kid or school closures. This upcoming school year from Aug-June has 28 days off. I am not including school closures when I have holiday pay. Even split between my DH and myself plus a good year with little to no illness, you can assume having to cover at least 30 days. If you get COVID or flu or GI bug or strep or whatever else is going around, then that easily hits 35-40 days. We use winter break camps and spring break camps but it's usually just 3 days each.

Thats for one kid. If you have one in ES and another in daycare, you can easily add another 10 days of sick for the whole year.

There's no just taking a day off and "chilling".

Gurl gets babysitter FFS and take a day and chill…. Or chill on a Saturday and have your h take the kids somewhere for the day.

Yes that happens but let's not act like babysitters dont cost $$$. A full day is close to 200 or more. To go out with friends from 530-1130 plus dinner is a $300 minimum. And of course, I get time to do stuff independently or my DH has the kids for the day but it's not a vacation. A vacation is what she was talking about. Real time off. I even understand what she means about a work trip. I dont have cook or clean or worry about anyone else. Thats what she is referencing. And its not just for a few hours, its usually at least 3 days.

And yes, of course, if you already outsourcing cleaning and other running household tasks this wont really be an issue for you.

Just like vacation with kids are just trips with kids. Its the same shi# in a different location.

Oh you’re one of those, you put a $ on everything.

Go to a friends for the weekend and relax ffs. Do you have friends?

My roommate from college comes 2x a year and I go visit friends all over the country.

She’s putting a number on it bc it costs an amount of money.

I assume you have parents or siblings who watch your kids. Some of us have to decide if we want to drop $300 each time we go out with our spouse.

Not sure what your college roommate visiting has to do with anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

DP here. Some of us just don't have the option for vacations without our kids. And rather than whining and complaining about it, we just accept it and move on.

You sound like you are wining about it. Just take a day off while they are at school and take a chill pill.

To be fair to some, my vacation and sick accrual aren't that great and instead of slowly building it up from age 2 onwards, I scrambled with 1-2 days of leave max from 2020-2023 due to COVID and restrictive daycare policies and illnesses and whatever else and that was during FT daycare years.
Now FF to school years and my leave is primarily used for sick days for my kid or school closures. This upcoming school year from Aug-June has 28 days off. I am not including school closures when I have holiday pay. Even split between my DH and myself plus a good year with little to no illness, you can assume having to cover at least 30 days. If you get COVID or flu or GI bug or strep or whatever else is going around, then that easily hits 35-40 days. We use winter break camps and spring break camps but it's usually just 3 days each.

Thats for one kid. If you have one in ES and another in daycare, you can easily add another 10 days of sick for the whole year.

There's no just taking a day off and "chilling".

Gurl gets babysitter FFS and take a day and chill…. Or chill on a Saturday and have your h take the kids somewhere for the day.

Yes that happens but let's not act like babysitters dont cost $$$. A full day is close to 200 or more. To go out with friends from 530-1130 plus dinner is a $300 minimum. And of course, I get time to do stuff independently or my DH has the kids for the day but it's not a vacation. A vacation is what she was talking about. Real time off. I even understand what she means about a work trip. I dont have cook or clean or worry about anyone else. Thats what she is referencing. And its not just for a few hours, its usually at least 3 days.

And yes, of course, if you already outsourcing cleaning and other running household tasks this wont really be an issue for you.

Just like vacation with kids are just trips with kids. Its the same shi# in a different location.

Oh you’re one of those, you put a $ on everything.

Go to a friends for the weekend and relax ffs. Do you have friends?

My roommate from college comes 2x a year and I go visit friends all over the country.

When you cant actually address the point, just insult the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

You’re so full of shit