Hot take: I think we overemphasize 'time moves fast' and underemphasize 'time off'.

[Anonymous]

Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Mine are 16 and 13 and it really does fly by and I want to go back and soak more in. 18 years is SHORT. I'm not just saying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Mine are 16 and 13 and it really does fly by and I want to go back and soak more in. 18 years is SHORT. I'm not just saying that.

I have a 19 year old and I feel like it's both. The days were very long for sure. Part of that might be that I'm a single parent and I did everything and that's really tiring but my friends are tired too. I don't feel like 18 years were short. My friend just had a baby and she's talking about all of this baby stuff and that seems like a lifetime ago. I am enjoying having an almost adult at home this summer. Just because they turn 18 does not mean they won't ever be home. Mine has been home since the first week of May and these college summers are much longer than previous summers. I think people overdramatize things in general about having kids. I look back at all of my Facebook memories with my son and while they make me smile, so does my son now. He isn't gone and we are making plenty of new memories together and they don't involve me doing every single thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

Mine are 20 and 16; 20 yo is at college. But hell yeah I love a business trip where it's all me and I always have. I have gone to some shitty places because I was asked to speak, and even then I found room to breath. It makes me a better mom in the long run, getting 3-4 days even if it's work related. I DO think there is more attention to "self care" than there was 10 years ago. Unless you're listening to mommy bloggers and the like. Step away from the mommy martyrs.

[Anonymous]

Those are just generic messages and you don't have to let them control you. I don't really see it as contradictory at all. When it comes to longer spans of time, I think about how it moves fast - like I want to do XYZ things with them this summer. If it's a discrete night out with friends, short work trip etc I don't ever think "oh they will only be out once so I shouldn't get a drink with my friend who's in town"...

[Anonymous]

I don't pay attention to the generic BS messages out their about parenting or momhood or whatever. If these are friends saying that things, get new friends. We have a really good balance in our house of spending time with DS and doing things for him and doing things for ourselves.

Time does to by fast, but that doesn't mean you need to lose yourself during that time too. When you get back from your trip, do something fun with your kids. That's what's important

[Anonymous]

Genuinely curious as to what sort of things are you doing with them that is stressful and a result of “squeeze the joy” messaging. I’ll admit I operate from more of a “benign neglect” stance, so I probably appear a lot less engaged in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

Mine are 20 and 16; 20 yo is at college. But hell yeah I love a business trip where it's all me and I always have. I have gone to some shitty places because I was asked to speak, and even then I found room to breath. It makes me a better mom in the long run, getting 3-4 days even if it's work related. I DO think there is more attention to "self care" than there was 10 years ago. Unless you're listening to mommy bloggers and the like. Step away from the mommy martyrs.

Haha yes stay far far away from them. My mom was one and now that I have a 10 year old, I realize how toxic and sad it was for her. Thankfully she had a wake up call when I was 16 but I promised myself I would never be a martyr. Trust me when I saw your kids aren't better off if you are.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue is more that there isn't time off. I don't think most people can get any time off. I don't have business trips. When I had a baby though I used to dream of a white fluffy hotel bed where I could sleep until noon. My youngest is great and STTN, but she's 2 and only wants me to put her to bed. I really don't get a break. Dh probably is the most hands on father I know, but all 3 kids really just want me, especially at night. The 2 year old in particular will scream until she throws up for me. I'm trying to treasure it because she's my last, but man could I use a vacation.

I get pretty bitter about relatives who don't make my life easier because I don't need any more burdens. There's a lot of TAKE from parents and rarely any giving. So much can be a slog but I'm trying here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious as to what sort of things are you doing with them that is stressful and a result of “squeeze the joy” messaging. I’ll admit I operate from more of a “benign neglect” stance, so I probably appear a lot less engaged in comparison.

I think OP is probably paying attention to the people who say their lives must be centered around their kids all the time. Once the school/work day is over they must all be together. Op must do fun and educational activities. Op must do active stuff with them. Op must do X,Y,Z. I had a friend who kind of fell for this messaging and it really didn't create a great environment. They've since backed off and don't do that every day. Their teen is happy to get a day to play video games with friends instead of game nights. Their younger kid is happy to do things on her own for a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is more that there isn't time off. I don't think most people can get any time off. I don't have business trips. When I had a baby though I used to dream of a white fluffy hotel bed where I could sleep until noon. My youngest is great and STTN, but she's 2 and only wants me to put her to bed. I really don't get a break. Dh probably is the most hands on father I know, but all 3 kids really just want me, especially at night. The 2 year old in particular will scream until she throws up for me. I'm trying to treasure it because she's my last, but man could I use a vacation.

I get pretty bitter about relatives who don't make my life easier because I don't need any more burdens. There's a lot of TAKE from parents and rarely any giving. So much can be a slog but I'm trying here.

Have you ever just tried not being home at bedtime? Of course if you're home she's going to cry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

Mine are 20 and 16; 20 yo is at college. But hell yeah I love a business trip where it's all me and I always have. I have gone to some shitty places because I was asked to speak, and even then I found room to breath. It makes me a better mom in the long run, getting 3-4 days even if it's work related. I DO think there is more attention to "self care" than there was 10 years ago. Unless you're listening to mommy bloggers and the like. Step away from the mommy martyrs.

Haha yes stay far far away from them. My mom was one and now that I have a 10 year old, I realize how toxic and sad it was for her. Thankfully she had a wake up call when I was 16 but I promised myself I would never be a martyr. Trust me when I saw your kids aren't better off if you are.

You mean like all of the homeschooling, homesteading, trad wives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Mine are 16 and 13 and it really does fly by and I want to go back and soak more in. 18 years is SHORT. I'm not just saying that.

I'm sorry, I just broke my eyeballs rolling them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

Mine are 20 and 16; 20 yo is at college. But hell yeah I love a business trip where it's all me and I always have. I have gone to some shitty places because I was asked to speak, and even then I found room to breath. It makes me a better mom in the long run, getting 3-4 days even if it's work related. I DO think there is more attention to "self care" than there was 10 years ago. Unless you're listening to mommy bloggers and the like. Step away from the mommy martyrs.

Haha yes stay far far away from them. My mom was one and now that I have a 10 year old, I realize how toxic and sad it was for her. Thankfully she had a wake up call when I was 16 but I promised myself I would never be a martyr. Trust me when I saw your kids aren't better off if you are.

You mean like all of the homeschooling, homesteading, trad wives?

I think that’s a separate issue from the mommy martyr syndrome.

[Anonymous]

I always took these types of messages as reminders to take a second and enjoy the small moments, even when exhausted and sleep deprived! I can remember walking around my son’s room with him in my arms at 2 in the am…absolutely exhausted…and thinking, I need to remember to focus on how lucky I am to be holding him with his head on my shoulder, instead of thinking about how completely tired I was. Being a parent is hard and there is nothing wrong with enjoying a little time to yourself. But, as my oldest prepares to head to college next month, I can tell you that 18 years flies by, and so I am so thankful that I embraced these comments and chose to find moments of peace and happiness when everything was crazy!