Hot take: I think we overemphasize 'time moves fast' and underemphasize 'time off'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Mine are 16 and 13 and it really does fly by and I want to go back and soak more in. 18 years is SHORT. I'm not just saying that.

I'm sorry, I just broke my eyeballs rolling them.

Dp, but why, really? Pp’s point is valid from my experience. The time really does fly. Doesn’t mean you should sacrifice your well-being over it, but the basic sentiment is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious as to what sort of things are you doing with them that is stressful and a result of “squeeze the joy” messaging. I’ll admit I operate from more of a “benign neglect” stance, so I probably appear a lot less engaged in comparison.

I think OP is probably paying attention to the people who say their lives must be centered around their kids all the time. Once the school/work day is over they must all be together. Op must do fun and educational activities. Op must do active stuff with them. Op must do X,Y,Z. I had a friend who kind of fell for this messaging and it really didn't create a great environment. They've since backed off and don't do that every day. Their teen is happy to get a day to play video games with friends instead of game nights. Their younger kid is happy to do things on her own for a little bit.

Makes sense. I do think we give moms the message that no matter what they do it’s never enough. I never got on that crazy train, and I think it’s been better for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious as to what sort of things are you doing with them that is stressful and a result of “squeeze the joy” messaging. I’ll admit I operate from more of a “benign neglect” stance, so I probably appear a lot less engaged in comparison.

I think OP is probably paying attention to the people who say their lives must be centered around their kids all the time. Once the school/work day is over they must all be together. Op must do fun and educational activities. Op must do active stuff with them. Op must do X,Y,Z. I had a friend who kind of fell for this messaging and it really didn't create a great environment. They've since backed off and don't do that every day. Their teen is happy to get a day to play video games with friends instead of game nights. Their younger kid is happy to do things on her own for a little bit.

+1 to this. Or even the guilt of feeling like a bad parent when you’re not 100% patient and focused on your children 24/7. (At least I feel that guilt.) Enjoy your trip, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Mine are 16 and 13 and it really does fly by and I want to go back and soak more in. 18 years is SHORT. I'm not just saying that.

I'm sorry, I just broke my eyeballs rolling them.

I don't know what to tell you, it's true. I just really really like them, then and now. But I miss when my husband and I were more the center of their world. Now they have their friends and activities, which they love it's how it should be, but I miss those old days. The ages of OP's kids was actually a sweet spot for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is more that there isn't time off. I don't think most people can get any time off. I don't have business trips. When I had a baby though I used to dream of a white fluffy hotel bed where I could sleep until noon. My youngest is great and STTN, but she's 2 and only wants me to put her to bed. I really don't get a break. Dh probably is the most hands on father I know, but all 3 kids really just want me, especially at night. The 2 year old in particular will scream until she throws up for me. I'm trying to treasure it because she's my last, but man could I use a vacation.

I get pretty bitter about relatives who don't make my life easier because I don't need any more burdens. There's a lot of TAKE from parents and rarely any giving. So much can be a slog but I'm trying here.

I only have one kid but I second this. I also don't have anyone in my life who can give me a true break except DH. And while we give each other breaks for sure (nights out and taking our kid solo for a day on a weekend -- that kind of thing) I really crave several days of just not having to think about parenting. I think it's compounded for me because I work the "flexible" job which means I'm pretty much always on call for kid-related stuff and I do the vast majority of the every day childcare plus most of the long-term planning. I've tried to offload more of that onto my DH but the truth is he sucks at planning and logistics (not just kid related but anything and even at work this is his biggest struggle) so it really is just mostly on me.

What I would really like is to take 3 days and go away and just let DH handle everything. Over a weekend. I think it would be good for him and DD too. But it would mostly be for me. Just 2-3 nights in a hotel somewhere with a pool where I can sleep in and sit by the pool and do nothing and not have to accommodate anyone's needs or wants but my own.

I've floated this by DH and he's pretty resistant. He'll say "but why would you want to go away without us? can't we just go on a vacation together and you take solo breaks during that?" -- he doesn't understand the degree to which even our vacations require so much from me in terms of planning and organizing and most of it is for him and DD and I just want a break from that. I should probably push harder for it.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be highly child and situation specific. I work in an elementary school and it's pretty obvious that some parents are having a much better parenting experience than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

Mine are 20 and 16; 20 yo is at college. But hell yeah I love a business trip where it's all me and I always have. I have gone to some shitty places because I was asked to speak, and even then I found room to breath. It makes me a better mom in the long run, getting 3-4 days even if it's work related. I DO think there is more attention to "self care" than there was 10 years ago. Unless you're listening to mommy bloggers and the like. Step away from the mommy martyrs.

Haha yes stay far far away from them. My mom was one and now that I have a 10 year old, I realize how toxic and sad it was for her. Thankfully she had a wake up call when I was 16 but I promised myself I would never be a martyr. Trust me when I saw your kids aren't better off if you are.

You mean like all of the homeschooling, homesteading, trad wives?

I haven't met any trad wives but I have met some pretty cool home schooling and homesteading moms. They just aren't the "I do it for social media" types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

Mine are 20 and 16; 20 yo is at college. But hell yeah I love a business trip where it's all me and I always have. I have gone to some shitty places because I was asked to speak, and even then I found room to breath. It makes me a better mom in the long run, getting 3-4 days even if it's work related. I DO think there is more attention to "self care" than there was 10 years ago. Unless you're listening to mommy bloggers and the like. Step away from the mommy martyrs.

Haha yes stay far far away from them. My mom was one and now that I have a 10 year old, I realize how toxic and sad it was for her. Thankfully she had a wake up call when I was 16 but I promised myself I would never be a martyr. Trust me when I saw your kids aren't better off if you are.

3-4 days quarterly is far, far away? Okay nutter.

[Anonymous]

I think all of it is true: It goes by fast, it's precious and fleeting, you have to cherish it, it's exhausting, a break feels nice...The key is to try your best to sit in whatever emotion and moment and embrace it as it happens. Like now, embrace that time away! There's nothing wrong with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I only have one kid but I second this. I also don't have anyone in my life who can give me a true break except DH. And while we give each other breaks for sure (nights out and taking our kid solo for a day on a weekend -- that kind of thing) I really crave several days of just not having to think about parenting. I think it's compounded for me because I work the "flexible" job which means I'm pretty much always on call for kid-related stuff and I do the vast majority of the every day childcare plus most of the long-term planning. I've tried to offload more of that onto my DH but the truth is he sucks at planning and logistics (not just kid related but anything and even at work this is his biggest struggle) so it really is just mostly on me.

What I would really like is to take 3 days and go away and just let DH handle everything. Over a weekend. I think it would be good for him and DD too. But it would mostly be for me. Just 2-3 nights in a hotel somewhere with a pool where I can sleep in and sit by the pool and do nothing and not have to accommodate anyone's needs or wants but my own.

I've floated this by DH and he's pretty resistant. He'll say "but why would you want to go away without us? can't we just go on a vacation together and you take solo breaks during that?" -- he doesn't understand the degree to which even our vacations require so much from me in terms of planning and organizing and most of it is for him and DD and I just want a break from that. I should probably push harder for it.

Yes, push harder for it, or you'll wake up one day and wish you had. My DH is just like this.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I have the rest of my life to have time to myself or alone with DH. In an 80+ year life, the years actively parenting are a small percentage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is more that there isn't time off. I don't think most people can get any time off. I don't have business trips. When I had a baby though I used to dream of a white fluffy hotel bed where I could sleep until noon. My youngest is great and STTN, but she's 2 and only wants me to put her to bed. I really don't get a break. Dh probably is the most hands on father I know, but all 3 kids really just want me, especially at night. The 2 year old in particular will scream until she throws up for me. I'm trying to treasure it because she's my last, but man could I use a vacation.

I get pretty bitter about relatives who don't make my life easier because I don't need any more burdens. There's a lot of TAKE from parents and rarely any giving. So much can be a slog but I'm trying here.

Why would you expect to have a lot of time off when you chose to have 3 kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Mine are 16 and 13 and it really does fly by and I want to go back and soak more in. 18 years is SHORT. I'm not just saying that.

I'm sorry, I just broke my eyeballs rolling them.

Dp, but why, really? Pp’s point is valid from my experience. The time really does fly. Doesn’t mean you should sacrifice your well-being over it, but the basic sentiment is true.

Because everyone will likely feel that way either way. Taking a weekend off when you’re burnt out can be so restorative and that particular weekend will not make a difference in not feeling sad something is completely over. It’s not like the PP would feel differently if she spent 5% more time with her kids vs spending that time on things that gave her some down time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have the rest of my life to have time to myself or alone with DH. In an 80+ year life, the years actively parenting are a small percentage.

This is a separate thing from saying you won’t benefit from breaks from that “small percentage” (practically 1/3 of your adult life or more). That’s like saying ultramarathoners shouldn’t take breaks to rest because it’s only 8 hours - they take breaks because it restores them during the 8 hours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have the rest of my life to have time to myself or alone with DH. In an 80+ year life, the years actively parenting are a small percentage.

This is a separate thing from saying you won’t benefit from breaks from that “small percentage” (practically 1/3 of your adult life or more). That’s like saying ultramarathoners shouldn’t take breaks to rest because it’s only 8 hours - they take breaks because it restores them during the 8 hours

True. But time DOES move fast and the fact that OP wants a break doesn't change the fact that time moves fast.