Hot take: I think we overemphasize 'time moves fast' and underemphasize 'time off'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is more that there isn't time off. I don't think most people can get any time off. I don't have business trips. When I had a baby though I used to dream of a white fluffy hotel bed where I could sleep until noon. My youngest is great and STTN, but she's 2 and only wants me to put her to bed. I really don't get a break. Dh probably is the most hands on father I know, but all 3 kids really just want me, especially at night. The 2 year old in particular will scream until she throws up for me. I'm trying to treasure it because she's my last, but man could I use a vacation.

I get pretty bitter about relatives who don't make my life easier because I don't need any more burdens. There's a lot of TAKE from parents and rarely any giving. So much can be a slog but I'm trying here.

I only have one kid but I second this. I also don't have anyone in my life who can give me a true break except DH. And while we give each other breaks for sure (nights out and taking our kid solo for a day on a weekend -- that kind of thing) I really crave several days of just not having to think about parenting. I think it's compounded for me because I work the "flexible" job which means I'm pretty much always on call for kid-related stuff and I do the vast majority of the every day childcare plus most of the long-term planning. I've tried to offload more of that onto my DH but the truth is he sucks at planning and logistics (not just kid related but anything and even at work this is his biggest struggle) so it really is just mostly on me.

What I would really like is to take 3 days and go away and just let DH handle everything. Over a weekend. I think it would be good for him and DD too. But it would mostly be for me. Just 2-3 nights in a hotel somewhere with a pool where I can sleep in and sit by the pool and do nothing and not have to accommodate anyone's needs or wants but my own.

I've floated this by DH and he's pretty resistant. He'll say "but why would you want to go away without us? can't we just go on a vacation together and you take solo breaks during that?" -- he doesn't understand the degree to which even our vacations require so much from me in terms of planning and organizing and most of it is for him and DD and I just want a break from that. I should probably push harder for it.

Quit asking your husband permission and just book a hotel. Tell him you will be gone.

[Anonymous]

This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

[Anonymous]

It’s not an either/or situation. It’s a both/and situation.

Time moves fast. Quality time is important. To have quality time requires breaks and rest. No one can be “on” 24/7/365 for 18 years straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

Mine are 10, 11 and it did fly by! Now that those long a%^ days when they were so babies/toddlers/preschool age are gone I wish I could go back and soak in every minute with them. I hate to say that I wished some of that time away because it was so hard. But yeah, I did not take care of myself properly. That is why I'm so jealous of those who have help...even just a few hours here and there to break away. We didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

DP here. Some of us just don't have the option for vacations without our kids. And rather than whining and complaining about it, we just accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

DP here. Some of us just don't have the option for vacations without our kids. And rather than whining and complaining about it, we just accept it and move on.

And that’s understandable but doesn’t necessarily mean you like your kids any more or less than someone who does have and chooses to partake of the option for an occasional child free vacation.

[Anonymous]

I actually feel like this attitude has gotten better over the years. I have 2 kids with a larger age gap (2014/2019 babies) and I had some problems getting pregnant the first time so I was in pregnancy and TTC spaces online and following that discourse since roughly 2012(!) And the trend has definitely moved away from the extreme attachment parenting (remember all that???) of the late 2000s through mid to late 2010s to a more balanced approach. Some of the same dumb stuff remains, there’s the same number if not more anti-vaccine people. Thanks Covid. But if you had a kid before about 2017 you were in the trenches with some of this nonsense and you remember. The extreme focus on breastfeeding exclusively, the people who collected the expensive baby wraps and were into baby wearing as a hobby, the cloth diaper collectors, etc. etc. You can literally see the change in attitude on here, I can’t remember the last time I saw a “breast is best!!!!” “You’re a selfish mom if you don’t breastfeed!” Post. That attitude is passé now.

There’s still weird stuff out there and a lot of anxiety around having and raising kids. But we’re at least at a point now where it’s ok to acknowledge that mom needs a break too sometimes and we were definitely not acknowledging that 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

I never bought into the BS messaging that you have to be there for every waking moment. So I see the 2nd time they walk who give a flying f. Are people insane.

When they were little I always took my birthday off to just be, I went out every Saturday for dinner with either my H or friends, I did not do bedtime routine every Wednesday, either I went to the gym or happy hour or something ... anything but rush home, eat dinner and do bedtime routine.

I created traditions they will remember like Thursday movie night.

My H and I would take off once every 2 months, drop the kids at school and do an all day date, have someone else pick them up and get home after bedtime.

You don't need to see your kids 112 hours a week, that's insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

I like my kids and I also like having some time (including the occasional vacation) apart from them and am a better parent for it. The two are not mutually exclusive and I feel sad for you that you seem to conflate “liking your kids” with necessitating being joined at the hip.

I also have taken a number of vacations without my spouse, so by your logic I guess I should let him know we’re doomed for divorce.

DP here. Some of us just don't have the option for vacations without our kids. And rather than whining and complaining about it, we just accept it and move on.

You sound like you are wining about it. Just take a day off while they are at school and take a chill pill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 8 and just 11 and I feel like since they were both born, I've been bombarded with 'time moves fast' 'cherish every moment' 'you have this many days until they move out forever' 'this may be the last time you pick them up' etc etc. It feels, to me, like this adds overwhelming pressure to experience parenting in a way that's wholly unrealistic and does not match reality.
I'm on a work trip today in a bad hotel in a hot city with a pile of work to do and my stress level is still about 70% lower because all I need to take care of is me.
I wish there was more messaging saying that it's ok to take time out of parenting, it's ok if you find it stressful, you don't have to constantly squeeze the joy and 'soak them in' - you can step away and that's more than ok.
Maybe there is this messaging, but I did not get a ton of it.

They’re making a TV show about the life of mommy blogger Glennon Doyle, who became internet famous overnight when her “Don’t Carpe Diem” post, which was about exactly what you’re saying, went viral in 2012.

[Anonymous]

Another spin on "time moves fast":

If you do not take time for yourself or have any goals or hobbies of your own outside of your kids and work then one day you are going to wake up on the other side of having parented one or more kids to adulthood and ask yourself "Who even am I?"

And you may discover that some of the stuff you've put off to focus just on your kids are a lot harder to do on the other side of that 20ish year period. Stuff like making friends and learning new skills and certain kinds of travel or quality time with your spouse.

That doesn't mean ignore your kids and just focus on yourself. But if you ignore yourself and just focus on your kids then some of the things you wanted for yourself in life might pass you by. Some of this depends on how old you were when you had kids and what life was like before.

I also think to myself about the example I'm setting. I don't want to teach my kids to martyr themselves to anything. I want them to have fulfilling and balanced lives. That means it's good for them to see me sometimes taking time to do something I really care about just for me. They see me doing for them all the time (and likely take it for granted which is fine -- kids should take for granted that their parents will show up for them like that). But I also want them to have memories of me pursuing my own goals or taking pleasure in stuff just for me. They might miss me for a night or a day or a weekend here and there now but I don't think it will scar them and then later they'll know that's something they can and should do for themselves later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hot take because I totally disagree. I have ES kids and even I am aware of how fast they infancy flew by. 18 years is literally nothing in the scheme of life and I have never regretted spending more time with them over work/phone/TV.

She isn’t asking to spend more time on DCUM. She wants a real break — like a vacation without her kids. I don’t understand why moms martyr themselves and say things like “I haven’t had a vacation for 14 years without my kids.” It is insane to sacrifice yourself entirely on the altar of your children.

What? I haven’t had a vacation ever without my kids. I didn’t realize this is martyrdom, I just like my kids.

Or you have no life… it won’t bode well when they leave.

Do them a favor and get a life.