Undergoing IVF in a Rocky Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP. Meant to explain by "going spectacularly south" that husband had affairs and they divorced. I'm horrified that he agreed to adopt kids and then would do that. The kids have abandonment issues because they know they are adopted and he is a very lazy divorced dad with respect to custody.

Complete sidebar but it's incredibly how often men do this. They're unhappy (OK, that's no crime), but rather than having some integrity and stating their feelings and filing for divorce, they hang around, pout, then cheat, and then more often than not require a crow bar to get out of the house and move on.

I remember initiating multiple calm conversations with my unhappy ex, at one point even genuinely asking if he was seeing someone else (he was), and that if so we should just let each other go and it was ok. Nope, no affair, yes let's keep trying, nope no ideas about how to make that happen. Fast forward 6 mos and I found all the awful stuff on his phone, had to call my girlfriends to help me pack up his things, and change the locks.

And he still calls me to this day. I have no no words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

I agree with this. Life is never perfect. Husbands aren't, kids aren't.

Give up on the perfect life, try to calm yourself, and have a baby. For many, the kids is the most important goal.

I have a friend who gave up IVF and adopted. Her marriage was ok at the time. Everything went spectacularly south when the kids were in elementary school. One kid has anxiety and struggles in school, the other is hyperactive. My friend is am educated, intelligent, compassionate person.

My main point is, relationships are kind of a dice roll anyway. In the situation you're in, you know what you're facing. To give that up for an unknown that could be better or worse doesn't make sense to me.

2nd best is to do a bunch of egg freezing, divorce, and try to find a better partner for your needs. But men don't usually like biological clock pressure.

I'm assuming single motherhood doesn't meet your "want it all" threshold.

I believe there is some chance that the IVF process is worse for your relationship and stress than having a baby.

Have you, “relationships are a dice roll” person, been in a difficult or bad marriage?

No relationship is perfect but someone who has addiction and emotional regulation issues is throwing out a bunch of red flags for having a child. Most children add a large amount of stress to a marriage.

PP addressed. I do not need to explain what's imperfect in my life to you, to be qualified enough to share my opinion. I think I have sufficient experience.

I am old enough to have seen a lot. And to have been surprised by a lot. In both positive and negative directions. I think many families have red flag tendencies...so I don't rush to judge people for having kids "anyway". Reproduction at all is biologically selfish. The world clearly doesn't need any more of us.

Many of us could benefit from watching the opening sequence of the movie Idiocracy. Where the dumb, careless people have a huge family tree, and the thoughtful, affluent, overthinking professionals fail because they waited too long for the perfect time, household situation, etc. It's satire but hits close to home.

I work with someone who gave up on IVF around 40 and close to 50 must have gone DE because she became pregnant twice and had three daughters. Currently a happy mom of 3. For sure, she had to have changed her mind about DE as it is unlikely to have 2 successful pregnancies (one with twins) in late 40s after 20 years of infertility. I know she had fertility treatment around 2003-5 because I was asked by our management to excuse her work performance issues at that time because of it. Married continously to same husband.

When I step back and look at it from the outside, I see this as a situation of a person who maybe lost 8 years of motherhood at a younger age because she wasn't willing to relinquish the perfect dream of having her own genetic kids. I respect her decision, I just think she could have spared herself sadness and had more happiness by grappling sooner with her desire for a more ideal situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

+1

Don’t give up your best shot at motherhood because your husband is a loser. Have the baby and then see how things pan out and proceed accordingly.

Yes, only do what’s best for you. Screw the child, they are only there to serve the desire of the woman to be a mother.

There are plenty of married women who are terrible mothers and single women who are great mothers.

Or should only married cis heteronormative people become parents?

That’s what you are saying since you are agreeing with the PPP saying OP in a terrible should just have a kid with her husband.

[Anonymous]

What does the agreement say about what happens to your embryos if you get divorced?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s fair to suggest he has addiction issues when his alcoholism was in the past.

Has your marriage always been rocky or is it happening during this infidelity phase? Marriages have their rough spots. It doesn’t mean you need to end the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1204801.page

This

OP is this you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

I agree with this. Life is never perfect. Husbands aren't, kids aren't.

Give up on the perfect life, try to calm yourself, and have a baby. For many, the kids is the most important goal.

I have a friend who gave up IVF and adopted. Her marriage was ok at the time. Everything went spectacularly south when the kids were in elementary school. One kid has anxiety and struggles in school, the other is hyperactive. My friend is am educated, intelligent, compassionate person.

My main point is, relationships are kind of a dice roll anyway. In the situation you're in, you know what you're facing. To give that up for an unknown that could be better or worse doesn't make sense to me.

2nd best is to do a bunch of egg freezing, divorce, and try to find a better partner for your needs. But men don't usually like biological clock pressure.

I'm assuming single motherhood doesn't meet your "want it all" threshold.

I believe there is some chance that the IVF process is worse for your relationship and stress than having a baby.

Have you, “relationships are a dice roll” person, been in a difficult or bad marriage?

No relationship is perfect but someone who has addiction and emotional regulation issues is throwing out a bunch of red flags for having a child. Most children add a large amount of stress to a marriage.

PP addressed. I do not need to explain what's imperfect in my life to you, to be qualified enough to share my opinion. I think I have sufficient experience.

I am old enough to have seen a lot. And to have been surprised by a lot. In both positive and negative directions. I think many families have red flag tendencies...so I don't rush to judge people for having kids "anyway".

Of course you don’t have to explain yourself. In fact you don’t need to respond at all. But I can certainly take your opinion with a grain of salt when you don’t indicate that you have personal experience with what Op is experiencing- the panic of planning for a family with a troubled partner. We’re all pretty old around her and opinions are like you know what… everybody has one.

This isn’t about idiocracy or society… it’s about OP’s life and the well being of herself and her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

I agree with this. Life is never perfect. Husbands aren't, kids aren't.

Give up on the perfect life, try to calm yourself, and have a baby. For many, the kids is the most important goal.

I have a friend who gave up IVF and adopted. Her marriage was ok at the time. Everything went spectacularly south when the kids were in elementary school. One kid has anxiety and struggles in school, the other is hyperactive. My friend is am educated, intelligent, compassionate person.

My main point is, relationships are kind of a dice roll anyway. In the situation you're in, you know what you're facing. To give that up for an unknown that could be better or worse doesn't make sense to me.

2nd best is to do a bunch of egg freezing, divorce, and try to find a better partner for your needs. But men don't usually like biological clock pressure.

I'm assuming single motherhood doesn't meet your "want it all" threshold.

I believe there is some chance that the IVF process is worse for your relationship and stress than having a baby.

Have you, “relationships are a dice roll” person, been in a difficult or bad marriage?

No relationship is perfect but someone who has addiction and emotional regulation issues is throwing out a bunch of red flags for having a child. Most children add a large amount of stress to a marriage.

PP addressed. I do not need to explain what's imperfect in my life to you, to be qualified enough to share my opinion. I think I have sufficient experience.

I am old enough to have seen a lot. And to have been surprised by a lot. In both positive and negative directions. I think many families have red flag tendencies...so I don't rush to judge people for having kids "anyway".

Of course you don’t have to explain yourself. In fact you don’t need to respond at all. But I can certainly take your opinion with a grain of salt when you don’t indicate that you have personal experience with what Op is experiencing- the panic of planning for a family with a troubled partner. We’re all pretty old around her and opinions are like you know what… everybody has one.

This isn’t about idiocracy or society… it’s about OP’s life and the well being of herself and her children.

PP. You addressed me specifically in a way intended to cast doubt on the validity of my opinion. It's about you being judgy.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don't want to coparent with your DH as he is right now, so don't have a baby with him. Parenting is relentlessly stressful, and even pregnancy is not a cakewalk. You need to go into it with a strong partnership or a plan to fly solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having panic attacks about my upcoming embryo transfer. I have waited so long to be a mother and have put up with so much from my husband who...is really immature among other things. We fight all the time and spend a lot of weekends stone walling each other. He has emotional regulation issues and was an alcoholic in the past although no longer. He does not deal with change well and I am anxious about adding a baby to the dynamic.

I want a baby desperately but I want the whole package. I want a wonderful warm home, financial stability, a mature, kind, emotionally stable husband and father who will be my rock and a good role model for our child.

I just don't feel like i can have it all as I am in my late thirties. I just want to cry with this stress!

More info is required.

How is your husband immature? Why do you two fight? Btw if you are having panic attacks you are also having emotional regulation issues.

I would suggest you work on your marriage. Take six months, work on your marriage. and if things improve then try to have children.

You also gave a laundry list of wishes for a picture perfect family. What are you doing to bring that shout?

[Anonymous]

If your marriage is in bad shape (and it appears as if it is), then I guarantee you bringing a baby into the mix will only make things much much worse. 🙁

I can understand wanting it all:
The loving + dedicated husband who is also a natural Father…..one who dotes on his children and dedicates his entire life to them.

But know that if you continue in this miserable marriage > you will NEVER have that.
In fact from the way things are now, you may have the opposite.
And it is fundamentally wrong to expose an innocent life to such chaos.

Your best bet here would be to seek counseling w/your husband while pausing the IVF.

If your husband refuses to attend therapy - then you should divorce him so that you can find someone else who can give you your happily ever after.

[Anonymous]

What if this is your only shot at biological motherhood?

What matters more? Children or spouse?

[Anonymous]

Have this baby! Or two! You will not regret it. Children are a joy.

[Anonymous]

Go for the baby and get rid of the husband. After a few weeks, you will begin to realize how miserable you were.

[Anonymous]

Op I get it and have been there with ivf so I know your desperation
Even more than most people though I can and should wait if for no other reason than you have the ability to embryos freeze