Undergoing IVF in a Rocky Marriage

[Anonymous]

I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

This just seems profoundly selfish to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

This just seems profoundly selfish to me.

Because it is. Pp should come back in 20 years and let us know how things turned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

I agree with this. Life is never perfect. Husbands aren't, kids aren't.

Give up on the perfect life, try to calm yourself, and have a baby. For many, the kids is the most important goal.

I have a friend who gave up IVF and adopted. Her marriage was ok at the time. Everything went spectacularly south when the kids were in elementary school. One kid has anxiety and struggles in school, the other is hyperactive. My friend is am educated, intelligent, compassionate person.

My main point is, relationships are kind of a dice roll anyway. In the situation you're in, you know what you're facing. To give that up for an unknown that could be better or worse doesn't make sense to me.

2nd best is to do a bunch of egg freezing, divorce, and try to find a better partner for your needs. But men don't usually like biological clock pressure.

I'm assuming single motherhood doesn't meet your "want it all" threshold.

I believe there is some chance that the IVF process is worse for your relationship and stress than having a baby.

[Anonymous]

PP. Meant to explain by "going spectacularly south" that husband had affairs and they divorced. I'm horrified that he agreed to adopt kids and then would do that. The kids have abandonment issues because they know they are adopted and he is a very lazy divorced dad with respect to custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

+1

Don’t give up your best shot at motherhood because your husband is a loser. Have the baby and then see how things pan out and proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

+1

Don’t give up your best shot at motherhood because your husband is a loser. Have the baby and then see how things pan out and proceed accordingly.

Yes, only do what’s best for you. Screw the child, they are only there to serve the desire of the woman to be a mother.

[Anonymous]

Why would you bring a baby into this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you bring a baby into this?

Because she is desperate to be a mother and he is a sperm donor. I feel sorry for the guy actually. Op doesn’t respect or love him and probably will talk trash about him for the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having panic attacks about my upcoming embryo transfer. I have waited so long to be a mother and have put up with so much from my husband who...is really immature among other things. We fight all the time and spend a lot of weekends stone walling each other. He has emotional regulation issues and was an alcoholic in the past although no longer. He does not deal with change well and I am anxious about adding a baby to the dynamic.

I want a baby desperately but I want the whole package. I want a wonderful warm home, financial stability, a mature, kind, emotionally stable husband and father who will be my rock and a good role model for our child.

I just don't feel like i can have it all as I am in my late thirties. I just want to cry with this stress!

Well… you kind of match each other, no? He “does not deal with change well” and “has emotional regulation issues”. And you have anxiety and panic attacks and “want to cry”. You BOTH fight with each other.
Maybe his wish is to have a wonderful, warm, mature, kind woman too. But I do not think he has a chance since you are determined to have a baby with him since you are getting older.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t be so selfish to bring a child into this mess of a relationship. You need to put your future child’s needs above yours. That is what being a mother is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having panic attacks about my upcoming embryo transfer. I have waited so long to be a mother and have put up with so much from my husband who...is really immature among other things. We fight all the time and spend a lot of weekends stone walling each other. He has emotional regulation issues and was an alcoholic in the past although no longer. He does not deal with change well and I am anxious about adding a baby to the dynamic.

I want a baby desperately but I want the whole package. I want a wonderful warm home, financial stability, a mature, kind, emotionally stable husband and father who will be my rock and a good role model for our child.

I just don't feel like i can have it all as I am in my late thirties. I just want to cry with this stress!

Well… you kind of match each other, no? He “does not deal with change well” and “has emotional regulation issues”. And you have anxiety and panic attacks and “want to cry”. You BOTH fight with each other.
Maybe his wish is to have a wonderful, warm, mature, kind woman too. But I do not think he has a chance since you are determined to have a baby with him since you are getting older.

PP. IVF is incredibly expensive and stressful. It creates feelings of failure in both parties. Babies are a lot of work and they can make a marriage worse but not always. It's not magical thinking to take a chance that things could get better. I am the person who mentioned a "dice roll" above.

People with broken "pickers" don't always guess right the second time either.

There is value in fixing the marriage you have.

A person who has overcome active alcoholism may also be able to work on improving the marriage with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

I agree with this. Life is never perfect. Husbands aren't, kids aren't.

Give up on the perfect life, try to calm yourself, and have a baby. For many, the kids is the most important goal.

I have a friend who gave up IVF and adopted. Her marriage was ok at the time. Everything went spectacularly south when the kids were in elementary school. One kid has anxiety and struggles in school, the other is hyperactive. My friend is am educated, intelligent, compassionate person.

My main point is, relationships are kind of a dice roll anyway. In the situation you're in, you know what you're facing. To give that up for an unknown that could be better or worse doesn't make sense to me.

2nd best is to do a bunch of egg freezing, divorce, and try to find a better partner for your needs. But men don't usually like biological clock pressure.

I'm assuming single motherhood doesn't meet your "want it all" threshold.

I believe there is some chance that the IVF process is worse for your relationship and stress than having a baby.

Have you, “relationships are a dice roll” person, been in a difficult or bad marriage?

No relationship is perfect but someone who has addiction and emotional regulation issues is throwing out a bunch of red flags for having a child. Most children add a large amount of stress to a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Then don't do it, OP. This is not the time for you or DH to bring a child into the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby in a bad marriage for similar reasons and don’t regret it for 1 second. I am so happy being a mom and she and I have an amazing relationship (she is 3).

I still hate my husband but have made peace with NOT having “the whole package” and that will be key for you in my opinion if you choose to move forward.

+1

Don’t give up your best shot at motherhood because your husband is a loser. Have the baby and then see how things pan out and proceed accordingly.

Yes, only do what’s best for you. Screw the child, they are only there to serve the desire of the woman to be a mother.

There are plenty of married women who are terrible mothers and single women who are great mothers.

Or should only married cis heteronormative people become parents?