Help: 14 years boy told mom he is a gay.

[Anonymous]

He may well change his mind. Tell him you accept him for who he is and don’t make a huge deal out of it. Some parents are too quick to affirm the whims of their kids, but at the same time you don’t want to scare him away or anything. Acceptance but without finalizing it for him, you know? He is still exploring

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that means he's gay. They haven't even finished going through puberty yet. Maybe he feels safer around girls.

Jesus this thread is torture to read. People know they are gay WAY before puberty. Some suppress it. Some don’t understand it. But they all know.

Stop being so uneducated.

+1
I would love to place a bet on this teen still being gay in 10 years. Op should celebrate that he is accepting of himself, that is a very brave thing to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just love your kid.

Let them know you're there for them. Let them know that whoever they prefer, they should be safe, and that a partner should always be kind and respectful. Welcome a boyfriend into your home the same way you would welcome any friend or partner. Follow his lead and keep an open line of a communication.

A doctor isn't needed, because there's nothing wrong with him. If he is anxious or needs someone else to talk to, a therapist can be great, but that's up to him.

If he is advanced enough in his sexual identity to come out to his parents, he is certainly realizing his own sexual maturity and natural adolescent urges.

A doctors visit IS needed here, but it needs to be a doctor familiar with PREP who can prescribe.

Look OP, if he is not already having sex, he soon will (which is why you need to immediately provide condoms and make sure he knows to use them for both oral and anal).

But PREP is also needed. Condoms break. Teenagers are impulsive and - in the heat of the moment - unprotected anal sex happens, but PREP is his best shot at avoiding HiV.

This is such an over-reaction for a kid that shows no indication of pursuing any sexual activity. If he's not having sex at 14 he soon will? That seems really specious. Like putting an IUD in a 10 year old girl because they are advanced enough in their sexuality to know they're straight.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming you are not American?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With all the challenges in the world for kids being a gay is a concern and nothing wrong with counseling

Is this the OP? Nobody else on this thread says "a gay" but the OP, so far.

[Anonymous]

Help?

[Anonymous]

I had a friend in high school whose parents made him do counseling with their pastor to "make him get over being gay".

The result of that counseling (and the "summer camp" they sent him to) was that he was suicidal.

My friend today, fortunately he recovered, doesn't speak to his parents. My point here being: if you love your son, love who he is. Definitely steer very far away from anyone who claims they can change him

[Anonymous]

Accept your son for who he is. I know you are posting because you love him and want what he best for him. What is best for him is to know you accept his choices. Could it be a phase of exploration? Perhaps. But more likely it is just who he is. He can’t change it anymore than you could change your attraction to the opposite gender. The reason for him to see a counselor would be to gain support for his sexual orientation, not to change it. If you are struggling to accept he is gay, there are also therapists and support groups who help parents to openly accept and support their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I noticed that you report he didn't actually express an attraction to boys, rather than he's more comfortable with girls. And then you mention that girls have set him up with a "boyfriend."

Lot to unpack here. He could very well be gay. But simply preferring the (platonic) company of girls at this age doesn't necessarily mean he's sexually attracted to boys. It could just be he's asexual, which at 14 would be slightly unusual but hardly developmentally inappropriate -- he may develop sexual interests later.

The bigger thing is the mention of the girls' involvement in this. That they "shipped" him suggests they're influencing his thinking in some ways. And girls in particular are really big in this generation on making declarations various sexual identities that weren't commonly announced 30 or 40 years ago when many of us were that age. THEY'RE the ones who are "trying on identities" and I could see some of them pushing that on others, especially if he's preferring their company.

He very well may be gay. But honestly, at 14 it's all "practice" anyway. The only thing you can control is your reaction. And the only appropriate reaction is to be supportive, avoid overreacting to things that you might not like or might scare you. Because in all likelihood, he'll be all over the place as he seeks his identity (which is more than just sexual preference).

All excellent points!

Agreed. I'm old enough there was a lot of social pressure to remain in the closet and not express your true self. Today there is also social pressure but sometimes that pressure wants you to immediately identify yourself as something, and you may not completely know yet. Some kids do. Some kids know from age 2 or so and there is no doubt. Others are on a more fluid journey.

OP, in addition to the advice above, I do think it's important to discuss all the safety aspects of dating and relationships. Broken hearts, red flags for controlling/abusive behaviors, potential STIs, inappropriate use of social media/pictures/videos/phones. Dating and relationship safety are very important regardless of who's dating who.

[Anonymous]

I am a gay woman. I had my first crush on a girl when I was 13, and came out at 15. It did not go well and my parents were not neutrally unsupportive but my mom in particular expressed disgust and made other ignorant comments. So I went back in the closet, put my actual desires on the WAY back burner, dated boys, married a man, had kids, then 12 years into that it all came tumbling down when I realized I could not keep doing it. It might have been possible to stay if my ex was a different kind of husband and father, but he was emotionally abusive and a narcissist who never considered me as an equal. When I realized that would never change, I decided it was time to leave, even if I would be single for the rest of my life.

I am divorced now and in a long term relationship with a woman. My family of origin has changed and become more supportive, and thankfully we have the financial resources that my kids lives did not have to be completely disrupted, but it has been hard for them. I did always want to have a family which is why it was kind of easy to go the route of marrying a man, but I wish things had been different and could have avoided pain for all involved.

OP, this is why you need to support your son now. He may be gay, or not. You did not say if your son actually had a crush on another boy. Maybe he is just more emotionally mature than other boys his age which is why he prefers to be friends with girls, and these particular girls are eager to play matchmaker. Or he could really be gay. Sexuality is a spectrum and kids are figuring themselves out, and now there is a lot of pressure for kids to figure out their “identity” at a young age. Please give him enough room to figure it out on his own. Make sure he knows you are on his side no matter what. Do not bring him to a doctor when there is nothing wrong with him. Also 14 is too young to be having sex. Just keep those communication channels open so that when he gets older and the time comes, he is prepared regardless of the gender of his partner.

Anecdotally, my teen DD told us she was a lesbian a couple of years ago, but now she is crushing on a boy and fantasizing about wedding dresses. So you never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend in high school whose parents made him do counseling with their pastor to "make him get over being gay".

The result of that counseling (and the "summer camp" they sent him to) was that he was suicidal.

My friend today, fortunately he recovered, doesn't speak to his parents. My point here being: if you love your son, love who he is. Definitely steer very far away from anyone who claims they can change him

No one is saying this, there are regular counselors that can help with being gay and determining if it's some trauma that needs to be addressed manifesting as gay. It's ok to be gay but support is important to help the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just love your kid.

Let them know you're there for them. Let them know that whoever they prefer, they should be safe, and that a partner should always be kind and respectful. Welcome a boyfriend into your home the same way you would welcome any friend or partner. Follow his lead and keep an open line of a communication.

A doctor isn't needed, because there's nothing wrong with him. If he is anxious or needs someone else to talk to, a therapist can be great, but that's up to him.

If he is advanced enough in his sexual identity to come out to his parents, he is certainly realizing his own sexual maturity and natural adolescent urges.

A doctors visit IS needed here, but it needs to be a doctor familiar with PREP who can prescribe.

Look OP, if he is not already having sex, he soon will (which is why you need to immediately provide condoms and make sure he knows to use them for both oral and anal).

But PREP is also needed. Condoms break. Teenagers are impulsive and - in the heat of the moment - unprotected anal sex happens, but PREP is his best shot at avoiding HiV.

This is such an over-reaction for a kid that shows no indication of pursuing any sexual activity. If he's not having sex at 14 he soon will? That seems really specious. Like putting an IUD in a 10 year old girl because they are advanced enough in their sexuality to know they're straight.

Huge difference between a 10 year-old girl and a 14 year-old boy who is sexually aware enough to feel the need to come out of the closet, sexually.

[Anonymous]

Um, the topic of this thread is the boy’s sexual orientation / sexual identity.

Why do people think “sex” has nothing whatsoever to do with his sexual identity/ orientation?

Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend in high school whose parents made him do counseling with their pastor to "make him get over being gay".

The result of that counseling (and the "summer camp" they sent him to) was that he was suicidal.

My friend today, fortunately he recovered, doesn't speak to his parents. My point here being: if you love your son, love who he is. Definitely steer very far away from anyone who claims they can change him

No one is saying this, there are regular counselors that can help with being gay and determining if it's some trauma that needs to be addressed manifesting as gay. It's ok to be gay but support is important to help the child.

I wonder if gay people need to go to counselors if they think they might be straight. You know, to see if there is some trauma that needs to be addressed that’s manifesting itself as STRAIGHT.

[Anonymous]

Just love your son and don’t make a big deal. It will be what it will be, and you will still love your son.