Help: 14 years boy told mom he is a gay.
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Anonymous
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My DS is 8th grade, plays a team sport in State level, and has very good academic at school. He takes care his school study well and works hard in his travel team practice/games.
He is our only child, is quiet at home most of the time, not much talk with us, behavior normal. This week he suddenly told mom that he is a gay, he said he feel more comfortable to stay with girls, but does not like girls at all. His school friends know this and some girl even introduced a boyfriend to him. He said he has no body touch with other boys yet. We are a bit shocked for this, we are going to have a more in-depth conversation see how serious he is. And should we take him to see a doctor/counselor to assess him? or just treat this as adolescent rebellion and this minds may go away when he in HS/College? |
Anonymous
Maybe, maybe not. I don't understand some of your impulses and language choices, though. "Body touch?" And a doctor?!? He's not sick. The proper thing to do here is to humor him. He may be gay. He may be trying on an identity, who knows. Most likely he's gay and he might benefit from therapy to help figure himself out, but a counselor isn't a tool to "assess" him -- a counselor can't tell you whether he's gay or not. So if that's the approach you're taking with a "counselor," then that will likely have a bad outcome. Play it out. If he's gay, so what? |
Anonymous
| Good lord, no! Do not take him to the counselor to "assess him" or hope it will go away. Accept and love your son and act like you did before you knew this. Feel grateful he told his mom and don't make a huge deal out of it. |
Anonymous
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Please let this be a troll.
He is gay OP. That's it. That's all it is. He finds men attractive and is not attracted to females. Perfectly normal. I hope you said, thank you for telling me. We support you and love you. But I have a strange feeling this core memory for your son was tarnished by you. WTF are you talking about doctors, touching, and counselors. Jesus |
Anonymous
| Watch Heartstopper with Olivia Colman for a good example of how to be loving and supportive. |
Anonymous
| He felt comfortable telling you. This is good. Don’t scare him into hiding by being weird and taking him to a doctor. He is what he is, he will be fine. Be supportive, don’t be too intrusive and just be there for him. |
Anonymous
| Thank you all, I appreciate the kind advice. |
Anonymous
| Are you from another culture, OP? One that doesn't accept homosexuality? |
Anonymous
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I noticed that you report he didn't actually express an attraction to boys, rather than he's more comfortable with girls. And then you mention that girls have set him up with a "boyfriend."
Lot to unpack here. He could very well be gay. But simply preferring the (platonic) company of girls at this age doesn't necessarily mean he's sexually attracted to boys. It could just be he's asexual, which at 14 would be slightly unusual but hardly developmentally inappropriate -- he may develop sexual interests later. The bigger thing is the mention of the girls' involvement in this. That they "shipped" him suggests they're influencing his thinking in some ways. And girls in particular are really big in this generation on making declarations various sexual identities that weren't commonly announced 30 or 40 years ago when many of us were that age. THEY'RE the ones who are "trying on identities" and I could see some of them pushing that on others, especially if he's preferring their company. He very well may be gay. But honestly, at 14 it's all "practice" anyway. The only thing you can control is your reaction. And the only appropriate reaction is to be supportive, avoid overreacting to things that you might not like or might scare you. Because in all likelihood, he'll be all over the place as he seeks his identity (which is more than just sexual preference). |
Anonymous
I don't get the sense he told OP. I get the sense OP learned it from the boy's mother. |
Anonymous
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Clearly English is not this person’s first language so let’s not harp on the word choices.
Being gay doesn’t mean something is wrong with him, it doesn’t need to be investigated more in depth or assessed. Certainly no need to see a doctor. You tell your son, “thank you for telling me. I love you so much. If you ever want to talk more to me about any of your feelings, I’m here for you.’l |
Anonymous
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There’s an organization to help parents and loved ones of LGBTQ kids: pflag.org. They’ll have resources to help you navigate this period with your family relationships intact.
In the meantime, you’ll need to have the same conversations you would if he were straight, about consent, respect within relationships, safe sex, etc. There may also be a club at his school that can help him navigate the social situation. It’s possible his preferences and identity may evolve as he gets older, but it’s important to respect that this is how he feels right now. It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic deal, just acknowledge it, thank him for being candid with you, and continue treating him as the good kid he already is. Who he’s attracted to doesn’t change that. |
Anonymous
All excellent points! |
Anonymous
He ain't mentally ill so no need for an assessment. He's gay. Big deal. He's still the same person. I don't mean to hit you with cliche's , and I know some parents worry because a lot of times there is still a stigma, but times have changed a lot for the better. Cool that he told you. You must have a good relationship |
Anonymous
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Sexuality and gender are a spectrum (so my 14 year old tells me).
Give it time - if he's gay, great! If he's not, great! Just love your kid for who he is. |