Wife Using Pregnancy As An Excuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Examples?
I think it may be that you have seen this pattern before but pregnancy made it worse? Or you feel you are being manipulated overall? If the relationship was wonderful then I’m guessing this would not have come up

OP here. We have always had a really good relationship. We have issues like every other couple but nothing serious.

The things that have been bothering me is she uses pregnancy as an excuse. She has cut her hours at work - without talking about it first - and her excuse is she’s too tired to work. She has even brought up the idea that she quit work for now while pregnant because it’s too hard and difficult. She doesn’t sleep well and she will just call off work. The excuse again is she’s pregnant and too tired. If we make plans, and she decides she doesn’t want to do it, she will cancel because of pregnancy. When she doesn’t want to deal with something, she uses the excuse of her being pregnant.

She has been spending money like crazy. When I brought it up she got upset and said that it’s for the baby. I told her that we should set a budget since she will be off work for a while and doesn’t get full paid leave. She told me that I’m robbing her of the chance to enjoy this pregnancy.

She can’t handle anything negative because it makes her “ emotional”. I feel like I’ve been walking on egg shells and I shouldn’t have to do that in my own home.

The second trimester was EXHAUSTING for me. I get everything in the first paragraph, but she needs to calm down about spending money. A baby doesn't need much - you can also get so many barely used items second hand. We had a second hand glider (I just bought new cushions) and a crib from IKEA.

[Anonymous]

Pregnancy is exhausting. She is asking for help and you’re not stepping up so she is resorting to admittedly pathetic strategies, but it’s because she’s desperate for help. If you are not helpful now, it will have lasting consequences on your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until there’s a baby.

YEEEP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This entire post is insane. Op is mad that his first trimester wife is tired, nauseous and not up to doing things? Op you can go eff yourself seriously. How hard is it to use google/ find a book to understand the basics of what pregnancy does to a woman’s body. And you better buckle up- I had a fine first trimester and worked no issues. At 20 weeks I was diagnosed with a super high risk issue and from then on I can’t even lift my daughter, do laundry, have sex and now I’m pulled off work. My husband has to do the brunt of the work now. Did not have any issues at all with our first so you need to really consider whether/ if you even want to pursue fatherhood. Jerk.

You ATA - she never said she was nauseous. She literally just doesn't want to do things and wants to be pampered. Kinda like when my daughter in law demanded a diamond "push ring" from my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until there’s a baby.

Things improved for me as far as energy. Once I had the baby at least I wasn't in pain and I could actually sleep very well in between feedings. But having the baby does start a whole new set of challenges. Op will need to buck up.

[Anonymous]

A budget is a perfectly reasonable thing to discuss. Children and their care is expensive and you need to be able to not go into bankruptcy or be resentful because of them. She she wont discuss - then you have to cut $$ from somewhere else - vacations...new car...new clothes... entertainment...cable tv. Lay it out for her.

[Anonymous]

I'll hop on the thread to agree with all PPs who mentioned the fatigue of the first trimester. I only had mild nausea with no vomiting, and it was still a gravitational pull unlike anything I thought was possible.

I think most people inexperienced with pregnancy have no idea about first trimester fatigue, so they are completely unprepared/disbelieving. I thought I'd naturally be more tired as the baby grew and I was carrying around that extra weight and discomfort. Ha! I felt great in my final trimester-- plenty of energy, very agile, active-- but the first tri almost did me in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This entire post is insane. Op is mad that his first trimester wife is tired, nauseous and not up to doing things? Op you can go eff yourself seriously. How hard is it to use google/ find a book to understand the basics of what pregnancy does to a woman’s body. And you better buckle up- I had a fine first trimester and worked no issues. At 20 weeks I was diagnosed with a super high risk issue and from then on I can’t even lift my daughter, do laundry, have sex and now I’m pulled off work. My husband has to do the brunt of the work now. Did not have any issues at all with our first so you need to really consider whether/ if you even want to pursue fatherhood. Jerk.

You ATA - she never said she was nauseous. She literally just doesn't want to do things and wants to be pampered. Kinda like when my daughter in law demanded a diamond "push ring" from my son.

Hmm- i can already see why your DIL likely doesn't like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a jerk. You are going to end up divorced.

I agree. It’s possible she’s being overly dramatic but if it’s out of character… yeah it’s because she is pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others who said that until you know what pregnancy feels like, you can't possibly know what she is going through.

Suck it up and be a man.

[Anonymous]

The budgeting issue is real. You are being ignorant about the rest.

You don't get to dictate the terms of any pregnancy. You have NO idea how it will go each time. Exhaustion coupled with insomnia and trying to keep a job actually IS really hard.

You'll know women who state they felt great all through their pregnancy and took 5 minutes to push the baby out, and if you listen enough you'll hear of women being physically confined to bedrest, or hospitalized, just to bring a baby to term and delivered via c-section - and everything in between. It is not a one-size-fits-all experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others who said that until you know what pregnancy feels like, you can't possibly know what she is going through.

Suck it up and be a man.

+1
I’ve been pregnant, but don’t think I understand how all pregnancies feel. Regardless, it’s a weird experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far along is she?

I think i was a pretty chill pregnant lady but I had a very easy pregnancy and most women don’t.

Try to be more understanding.

OP here. She is 16 weeks.

16 weeks. She is being a total drama queen. You know and she knows every other woman not on bed rest is perfectly capable of doing all the "things" while pregnant. If she cancels on plans, then you go. Live your life - dont get sucked into this manipulation.

From about 7 - 16 weeks is the hardest part of pregnancy. Your ignorance is embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

The budget is fine to discuss.
The working is a decision you both need to make. One person cant just stop working and then increase spending

Where I draw the line, as a pregnant person myself, is using pregnancy as an excuse to not do things. Lord, bring this man some comeupance since he seems to lack empathy.

No pregnancy is the same for one individual, so rest assured there is a spectrum across all women. The problem with your first is that you literally didnt know you could function and be that tired. The problem with your second and any thereafter is you know what to expect- you hope its better and not worse like hyperemesis or nausea from 4-14 weeks all day and night- but you also have other kids so you cant not function and you got used to functioning on less and less sleep and energy once you had kids.

I was just talking about this earlier because I used to be mesmerized by my mom who could take a nap on the couch or say she needed a rest and then hear single thing that went on. Thats how I rest during the day lately and Im 11 weeks pregnant with my 2nd. I slept 9-7 last night and took (2) 2-hour rests yesterday. I could hear everything going on, but my body just needed to be still and quiet. I am also vomiting the first meal of every day. Prenatals or any other pills make my nausea 100% worse. The only thing I want to eat is ice cream and sushi and fruit. The smell of meat in its raw form all the way through cooked makes me gag. So do: feet/stinky shoes, wet towels, public restrooms, my husbands deodorant (had to change it at week 9), and most of the flowering trees in our neighborhood. The trees smell like decomposing bowels and I used to work on cadavers for whole body donation so I actually know the smell of bowels starting to decompose.

I was running a temp of 99.5 throughout the day and night for 4 weeks and couldnt sleep without the windows open in late February. If the heat came on, I got ill because I was so hot and sweaty.

Most men cant even handle catching a common cold. Imagine having common cold symptoms for weeks on end and being expected to continue as normal. Now as the pregnancy progresses add weight, increased blood volume and blood flow, back pain, sciatica, hip pain, breast tenderness, nipple tenderness, night sweats, swelling of the veins in your vulvar region, lower extremity swelling, etc.

You and your wife will need to learn how to compromise schedules and leave and all sorts of things but dont discount how emotionally and physicall exhausting pregnancy CAN be. Come to a compromise on how to get what she needs to feel okay to do her job and keep her job. That may mean outsourcing lots of household tasks and ordering meal delivery or having PBJ and cereal for dinner for weeks on end.

Ill also add that there was research that just came out showing a significant decrease in low birth weight for moms who napped more than 45 minuntes per day. Rest is necessary for one body to make another body. I would also encourage you to prompt her to ask for additional bloodwork to monitor her iron, vit D, and thyroid since she seems to be experience lots of tiredness. While COMPLETELY normal to be tired 24/7 while pregnant, it is useful to make sure her bloodwork is optimal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far along is she?

I think i was a pretty chill pregnant lady but I had a very easy pregnancy and most women don’t.

Try to be more understanding.

OP here. She is 16 weeks.

16 weeks. She is being a total drama queen. You know and she knows every other woman not on bed rest is perfectly capable of doing all the "things" while pregnant. If she cancels on plans, then you go. Live your life - dont get sucked into this manipulation.

Based on what? The first 20 weeks were hell for me, extreme nausea and fatigue, hormones going crazy. I Things settled down after that.