My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's right, but she's also wrong, in that by far the most important criteria for marriage is HER intelligence, kindness, money/career and beauty (maybe the last is most important in the eyes of some men, but maybe don't insist on that).

Anyway. What I'm impressed with is that she can express this and have a mature conversation about it. At her age, I wasn't even thinking about boys, let alone in-laws.

You need to really insist that what SHE makes of herself is the most important. Both for her own happiness, and sense of self-worth, and for any future relationships.

I think it's really pretty profoundly weird that a teen is hung up on what her future husband and in-laws will think. That too, influenced by K-drama, which is FICTION.

Marriage is at least 4 or 5 years down the road, right? Parents might get divorced. One or the other of them might not be alive. Her future husband might not have parents. His family might be just as dysfunctional. It's just not a thing for a teen to worry about things not in her control, and so far into her future. She should focus on her studies and her future/career, not some imaginary in-laws that may or may not look down their nose at her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned, and so is she (sounds like she is very thoughtful for her age).

Once she is in her early 20s, the boys from good families will absolutely be considering your family dynamic before proposing marriage. Their families will insist on it and they will, by then, naturally be considering it themselves.

So now is the time to get your house in order so that you do not burden her and limit her marriage prospects.

The boys from bad families won't care, but I assume you'd rather she didn't marry them.

OP here. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I would absolutely love to "get my house in order". Unfortunately divorce seems to be the only way, which I think I cannot afford now. But I also have to keep in mind how my daughter will be affected by the constant quarrel at home.

Unfortunately, that ship has already sailed. The only thing you can try to do is mitigate the damage. Ask yourself a hard question. Is it unaffordable because you can't maintain your current standard of living, or is it unaffordable because you really couldn't even swing a studio apartment? What exactly is it you are waiting for?

OP here. I could not maintain my standard of living. We would need to sell our house. With the current interest rates I could not afford to buy even a small house in a less desirable area. Hoping to stick it out a bit longer...

So your large house is more important than your daughter? Parent of the year here

[Anonymous]

Seems like she's rationalizing why she doesn't have a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like she's rationalizing why she doesn't have a boyfriend.

Yeah this strikes me as an odd thing for a teen girl to be worrying about.

In a situation like this, it would usually be the fear of parents divorcing, where would she live, what would her relationship with Mom and Dad be like, maybe embarrassed how it will look to her friends. I was once a teen experiencing my parents’ marriage ending, and my desirability for marriage was not on my radar.

[Anonymous]

If this is true, I assume she said it to express her sadness and unhappiness about the situation she is living in. She’s telling you in no uncertain terms that she thinks the way you and your spouse are choosing to live your lives and the way she is being raised is having long-term negative effects on her that will affect her future. Rather than saying she doesn’t like you behavior, she is saying that other people won’t like it.

She’s probably right. When I dated people I would be put off by those with tense and unhappy homes. Partly because I worried that these behaviors are what meant familiar “home” to them and they would unconsciously replicate in their own lives but also because I did not want to deal with unpleasant in laws for my whole life. It wouldn’t have been insurmountable if I truly loved someone but it definitely would give me something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Daughter is worried that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner ~ well it will if she keeps talking about it. People who dwell on something negative about growing-up, and won't let it go -- they are insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to stop watching Korean TV dramas. Seriously. She’s taking them way more literally and personally than she should. Not healthy for a sensitive teen.

Try steering her to something lighter. And not dramatic. Maybe the Amazing Race?

[Anonymous]

Some potential partners do judge based on this criteria. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Op is a troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your general sentiment OP but I find your example of your husbands narcissism odd. I would not expect news like that to be broadcasted to my in laws unless there was a specific reason / context. Never mind expecting my husband to bring it up in a conversation just between him and his mother. You do realize they might have been or may want to talk about things not related to you?

OP here. I am not sure what would be odd about letting his mom know that the huge effort and expense of the law school has paid off and that I could finally start a new phase in my life by working as a lawyer.

This is weird. This reads like you are the narcissist. Why would your inlaws care about your education? Did they pay for it?

My inlaws could care less about my accomplishments. They care about their child and grandchildren. I have my own family who care about me and my children.

[Anonymous]

As long as she is hot and slim and not too dramatic/difficult/hifh maintenance/cold she will have plenty of suitors!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some potential partners do judge based on this criteria. It is what it is.

My friends with divorced parents are the only ones who divorced in our group of 10 girl friends from high school 30 years later.

[Anonymous]

There is no way she got this from a k drama. It sounds like a Korean reality game show (like the bachelor)

[Anonymous]

If this is even true what’s happening is she sees you have no self esteem or self worth and have settled for being treated like dirt and then martyring yourself over it, and she’s worried that’s going to be her as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? Your teenage daughter has all of these concerns about her still married parents reflecting poorly on her future prospects? That's a very unusual for a teenager to be so forward thinking. Who is putting these ideas in her head?

THIS. She didn’t come to these ideas on her own.