My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner

[Anonymous]

My husband and I sadly have a high-conflict relationship and would love to divorce. He is a narcissist who lacks empathy (just a quick example: he didn't consider the fact that I passed the bar exam to be newsworthy when he spoke with his mom on the day when we found out the results).

My teenage daughter considers herself to be less desirable in the eyes of boys because her parents have a bad relationship with each other. She things boys will choose other girls over her because they will not want to get into a broken family.
She is also worried that he will choose a partner who will not become an involved father, just like her own dad is checked out.

I find this very sad, and I would love to improve her sense of self-worth. I realize that the type of relationship we model sets a bad example, and I would love to balance that out.

I told her that she is still a long way of settling down with a young man, and that boys in high school are more interested in her looks and whether she is kind and fun to be around. Nobody really cares about the girl's parents. And that when she will be off to college and about to settle down maybe in her late 20s, her parents will really not matter at all. Still, very sad that she cannot be proud of us.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

You're still married. From the outside, you don't have a broken family

[Anonymous]

Wow, you are really getting a lot of mileage out of this narcissist husband thing. Very thrifty!

Your complainy quote about him neglecting to mention the bar exam to his mom speaks volumes. As is often the case, the partner of the accused narcissist is probably one herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you are really getting a lot of mileage out of this narcissist husband thing. Very thrifty!

Your complainy quote about him neglecting to mention the bar exam to his mom speaks volumes. As is often the case, the partner of the accused narcissist is probably one herself.

OP here. I am quite sure that there are more than a few women on this board with narcissist husbands. You cannot assume that one person starts all threads, if I understand your assumptions correctly.

[Anonymous]

Really? Your teenage daughter has all of these concerns about her still married parents reflecting poorly on her future prospects? That's a very unusual for a teenager to be so forward thinking. Who is putting these ideas in her head?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you are really getting a lot of mileage out of this narcissist husband thing. Very thrifty!

Your complainy quote about him neglecting to mention the bar exam to his mom speaks volumes. As is often the case, the partner of the accused narcissist is probably one herself.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're still married. From the outside, you don't have a broken family

OP here. Anybody who spends two minutes in the company of my husband and myself would feel the tension right away.

[Anonymous]

I understand your general sentiment OP but I find your example of your husbands narcissism odd. I would not expect news like that to be broadcasted to my in laws unless there was a specific reason / context. Never mind expecting my husband to bring it up in a conversation just between him and his mother. You do realize they might have been or may want to talk about things not related to you?

The bigger issue here is your relationship with your husband. The fact that your daughter picks up on the issues and feels self conscious is indicative of how unhealthy the relationship is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? Your teenage daughter has all of these concerns about her still married parents reflecting poorly on her future prospects? That's a very unusual for a teenager to be so forward thinking. Who is putting these ideas in her head?

OP here. My daughter has been watching these Korean TV shows that sort marriage prospects according to their desirability based on various criteria, such as family fortune, ancestors, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really? Your teenage daughter has all of these concerns about her still married parents reflecting poorly on her future prospects? That's a very unusual for a teenager to be so forward thinking. Who is putting these ideas in her head?

OP here. My daughter has been watching these Korean TV shows that sort marriage prospects according to their desirability based on various criteria, such as family fortune, ancestors, etc.

Tell her she does not live in South Korea.

Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your general sentiment OP but I find your example of your husbands narcissism odd. I would not expect news like that to be broadcasted to my in laws unless there was a specific reason / context. Never mind expecting my husband to bring it up in a conversation just between him and his mother. You do realize they might have been or may want to talk about things not related to you?

OP here. I am not sure what would be odd about letting his mom know that the huge effort and expense of the law school has paid off and that I could finally start a new phase in my life by working as a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Well, she’s not entirely wrong, considering the snobby comments I read on this site. It’s not really something she can worry about now, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really? Your teenage daughter has all of these concerns about her still married parents reflecting poorly on her future prospects? That's a very unusual for a teenager to be so forward thinking. Who is putting these ideas in her head?

OP here. My daughter has been watching these Korean TV shows that sort marriage prospects according to their desirability based on various criteria, such as family fortune, ancestors, etc.

Good. God. Tell her that her life is not a K-drama.

IF everyone only chose their partners on the basis of their parents' relationships, there wouldn't be anyone left to have relationships with. I think your guilt over your lousy marriage is getting in the way of parenting. Tell her to focus on getting herself set up in life, and that any guy who's shallow enough to judge her on the basis of her parents' relationship is not someone worth marrying anyway.

[Anonymous]

HS boys do not care. College guys will also likely not care, but she should be aware of her own interactions and relationship dynamics. Maybe she can go to therapy and work this out.

My parents have a volatile relationship but refuse to divorce - they just scream at each other constantly. I lost my college BF of 5 years because I didn’t know how to work through disagreements in a healthy way. I have a great husband and marriage now, but he comes from a super wholesome, functional family. I went to therapy before I met him and it helped me get to a place that he wanted to have a relationship with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HS boys do not care. College guys will also likely not care, but she should be aware of her own interactions and relationship dynamics. Maybe she can go to therapy and work this out.

My parents have a volatile relationship but refuse to divorce - they just scream at each other constantly. I lost my college BF of 5 years because I didn’t know how to work through disagreements in a healthy way. I have a great husband and marriage now, but he comes from a super wholesome, functional family. I went to therapy before I met him and it helped me get to a place that he wanted to have a relationship with me.

OP here. Thanks, PP. This is great advice.
I try not do fight with my husband in front of our daughter, but my husband does not care one bit, on the contrary. He thinks that "she is entitled to know how things stand and what the issues are." Lately, if he gets started, I immediately walk out of the room. But that, of course, leaves him to fill her head with his version of the "facts."