My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned, and so is she (sounds like she is very thoughtful for her age).

Once she is in her early 20s, the boys from good families will absolutely be considering your family dynamic before proposing marriage. Their families will insist on it and they will, by then, naturally be considering it themselves.

So now is the time to get your house in order so that you do not burden her and limit her marriage prospects.

The boys from bad families won't care, but I assume you'd rather she didn't marry them.

OP here. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I would absolutely love to "get my house in order". Unfortunately divorce seems to be the only way, which I think I cannot afford now. But I also have to keep in mind how my daughter will be affected by the constant quarrel at home.

Unfortunately, that ship has already sailed. The only thing you can try to do is mitigate the damage. Ask yourself a hard question. Is it unaffordable because you can't maintain your current standard of living, or is it unaffordable because you really couldn't even swing a studio apartment? What exactly is it you are waiting for?

OP here. I could not maintain my standard of living. We would need to sell our house. With the current interest rates I could not afford to buy even a small house in a less desirable area. Hoping to stick it out a bit longer...

[Anonymous]

The only people who might care would be a serious boyfriend's parents at most. Guys don't care about this. You're right that hanging with a happy family is a cherry on top but I think she will be just fine, marry well and she'll continue being anxious about the signs that her relationships are turning into reflections of her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you are really getting a lot of mileage out of this narcissist husband thing. Very thrifty!

Your complainy quote about him neglecting to mention the bar exam to his mom speaks volumes. As is often the case, the partner of the accused narcissist is probably one herself.

+1

I had the same thought. OP thinks the world revolves around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your general sentiment OP but I find your example of your husbands narcissism odd. I would not expect news like that to be broadcasted to my in laws unless there was a specific reason / context. Never mind expecting my husband to bring it up in a conversation just between him and his mother. You do realize they might have been or may want to talk about things not related to you?

OP here. I am not sure what would be odd about letting his mom know that the huge effort and expense of the law school has paid off and that I could finally start a new phase in my life by working as a lawyer.

You are right. Nothing would be odd about letting his mom know this. But there isn't really anything odd about his failure to mention it either. Which makes you ... also a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

I remember being embarrassed to bring friends over to my house because my family was so dysfunctional. I certainly would have never brought over a boyfriend. I also grew up in a Korean household where shame and shaming were prevalent emotions. It's a lot easier socially as a teenager when you have a house that is warm and comfortable. I'd imagine it has some impact on one's dating life, thought less and less so as one gets older. Since I didn't get married until I was 30, my parents (since divorced) weren't a big part of my relationship with my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your general sentiment OP but I find your example of your husbands narcissism odd. I would not expect news like that to be broadcasted to my in laws unless there was a specific reason / context. Never mind expecting my husband to bring it up in a conversation just between him and his mother. You do realize they might have been or may want to talk about things not related to you?

OP here. I am not sure what would be odd about letting his mom know that the huge effort and expense of the law school has paid off and that I could finally start a new phase in my life by working as a lawyer.

You are right. Nothing would be odd about letting his mom know this. But there isn't really anything odd about his failure to mention it either. Which makes you ... also a narcissist.

+1. Another attorney here. I can’t imagine being concerned with whether or not my husband announced my passing of the bar to his mother. I think it’s just kind of expected and not big news for most? Also, usually you are already working an attorney job while you wait for the (in most cases passing) results. Unless maybe you’d failed a number of times and your inability to pass the bar meant you’d lost a job and it was a big thing?

Without more context, it’s an unpersuasive example of your husband’s narcissism and says more about you than him.

[Anonymous]

where is she getting these ideas -- itseems like it's something the parnts would fear and convey

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned, and so is she (sounds like she is very thoughtful for her age).

Once she is in her early 20s, the boys from good families will absolutely be considering your family dynamic before proposing marriage. Their families will insist on it and they will, by then, naturally be considering it themselves.

So now is the time to get your house in order so that you do not burden her and limit her marriage prospects.

The boys from bad families won't care, but I assume you'd rather she didn't marry them.

This is the oddest response.

There is an easy work around here. OP's DD can wait until she's a fully grown adult to consider marriage. She can choose men, not boys.

[Anonymous]

1) men don't care.

2) your original example of narcissism is not a very strong one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband and I sadly have a high-conflict relationship and would love to divorce. He is a narcissist who lacks empathy (just a quick example: he didn't consider the fact that I passed the bar exam to be newsworthy when he spoke with his mom on the day when we found out the results).

My teenage daughter considers herself to be less desirable in the eyes of boys because her parents have a bad relationship with each other. She things boys will choose other girls over her because they will not want to get into a broken family.
She is also worried that he will choose a partner who will not become an involved father, just like her own dad is checked out.

I find this very sad, and I would love to improve her sense of self-worth. I realize that the type of relationship we model sets a bad example, and I would love to balance that out.

I told her that she is still a long way of settling down with a young man, and that boys in high school are more interested in her looks and whether she is kind and fun to be around. Nobody really cares about the girl's parents. And that when she will be off to college and about to settle down maybe in her late 20s, her parents will really not matter at all. Still, very sad that she cannot be proud of us.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Sounds like a troll post but I'll play. This is important to lot of people who dream of a happy and long term marriage. Their spouse dealing with or personally replicating family drama scares many away. However, it shouldn't be an issue for random dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned, and so is she (sounds like she is very thoughtful for her age).

Once she is in her early 20s, the boys from good families will absolutely be considering your family dynamic before proposing marriage. Their families will insist on it and they will, by then, naturally be considering it themselves.

So now is the time to get your house in order so that you do not burden her and limit her marriage prospects.

The boys from bad families won't care, but I assume you'd rather she didn't marry them.

OP here. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I would absolutely love to "get my house in order". Unfortunately divorce seems to be the only way, which I think I cannot afford now. But I also have to keep in mind how my daughter will be affected by the constant quarrel at home.

Timing of divorce aligns well with recent ability to become independent. He isn't needed any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) men don't care.

2) your original example of narcissism is not a very strong one.

+1

The good news is your daughter doesn't live in Korea. Someone up thread mentioned having to go to therapy to learn healthy relationship dynamics and you're daughter might have to do the same someday.

[Anonymous]

Some cultures are very conscious about these issues, heck some still care about caste and dowry.

[Anonymous]

Divorce will help her see that your current situation is not permanent. She has zero control over her parent’s situation and any decent potential spouse will see that.

[Anonymous]

She's right, but she's also wrong, in that by far the most important criteria for marriage is HER intelligence, kindness, money/career and beauty (maybe the last is most important in the eyes of some men, but maybe don't insist on that).

Anyway. What I'm impressed with is that she can express this and have a mature conversation about it. At her age, I wasn't even thinking about boys, let alone in-laws.

You need to really insist that what SHE makes of herself is the most important. Both for her own happiness, and sense of self-worth, and for any future relationships.